Fiancé left 8 weeks ago. Shocked.

[Lost kitten]

Fiance left 8 weeks ago ... totally blindsided

My fiance has suffered from depression in the past. He was in therapy for many years, and stopped going this past May.

 

We knew each other for two years (I wasnt ready for a relationship, and either was he at the time), finally ended up dating for a year, moved in together in February, were engaged in April. Everything was wonderful. No fighting. He can be moody, and easily overwhelmed, in addition to being very passive. I am a super Type A person, and we worked well together. No doubts for either one of us that this was exactly what we wanted and needed. Wedding was booked for this coming July. He's very sweet - and very public with his feelings - many social media posts about how lucky he is, how he cant wait to marry me, etc...

 

In our relationship, I am the "giver". I did the cooking, cleaning and took care of responsibilities for us. Partly because he has no interest, but mainly because thats how I am. No resentment. We always faced any (minor) issues head-on. We never had a serious fight.

 

In late October, one week after taking engagement pictures, we got into a petty fight (I felt he wasnt sticking up for me, and was choosing his friends over me) that escalated due to us saying really mean things to each other. The following morning, he had changed his facebook status to "its complicated" and didnt want to discuss anything, and stayed with a friend. I was distraught.

 

The following few weeks, he was at the apartment, while saying he needed "space and time" and was confused - yet never left. I took steps to leave the apartment on the weekends and get to therapy, for myself. I tried to be strong and supportive for him. During this time, he was tearful, saying he loves me, he felt like a deadlocked jury, and didnt know what was wrong with him. He said his depression only was caused by girlfriends, and he needed to talk to his therapist. I told him he could be at the apartment, and try to get back to normal, or pack a bag and go to his parents for a few days. He got hysterical, and said he needed me. That night, he slept in bed with me and cried himself to sleep.

 

We live in NYC, so Hurricane Sandy hit right in the middle of all of this. He left the apartment for the storm, leaving me alone. He came home, sad and upset, saying he was homesick. His job had him working 16-18 hour days as well, in storm recovery.

 

Election night, the night after sleeping in bed with me, he coldly ended it by saying "I have decided to not take this any further". No answers, reasoning, and he admitted he still hadnt gotten in to see his therapist.

 

I asked him to leave that night, he did, but came back the next day. I begged for us to talk it out, and he agreed - only to ed up screaming at me, saying I did this, it was all my fault, etc...He ended up staying at the apartment for 2 more days, until I asked him to please give me space.

 

During this back and forth time, there was a lot of texting/calls - generally starting out as casual, but he'd soon get angry and defensive, pointing all the blame on me. My birthday fell during this time - I ignored his calls and texts, as he had told me he was "DONE".

 

A week later, he left a thoughtful, but painful personal gift for me on our porch. I couldnt accept it, as it was far too personal and related to both of us. He screamed at me. The following day, he was teary and upset about it, and said "he just wanted to do something to make me happy".

 

A week later, I heard from our wedding venue, he had contacted them to cancel.

 

Since then, we had one large fight, and he and I both, again, were mean. Low blows, throwing personal past history into each others faces, and pointing fingers. My therapist had warned me that this could happen if I didnt get any honest conversation with him.

 

We apologized, but he still stuck to his guns, saying its done. I met his mother for dinner one night (we were very close) and she is devastated, saying shes ashamed of him, he's miserable (hes staying at her house). He came over, finally, to discuss things, and immediately was defensive. Everything was MY fault, I did this, he is just fine without me, he doesnt love me. He swears he was 100% committed until the fight, and then it set him off. He blamed the storm, he blamed his stress level, he blamed me. No accountability on his part. He feels there was nothing else to talk about. I made plans to move out in mid-January.

 

I wrote him a long, heartfelt letter on Christmas, telling him how important he is to me, and how much he means to me, and how we can get through this. He called screaming at me, telling me i'm in denial.

 

Mutual friends have said he is sad and distracting himself. He's told them "he wishes things were different". Other friends of his, that i've run into, have no idea we even split - he's not talking to anyone. His family has reached out to me, and are upset. Our friends are upset.

 

He's now treating me coldly and meanly - saying he is "DONE" and "What dont I get, he has nothing to say".

 

I'm beginning to pack and move this coming weekend. I realize his depression caught up with him, and thats whats caused this - not me. People arent perfect, and I accepted his faults and loved him unconditionally. I don't know what caused this - especially when things were seemingly perfect before. It was a fight, minor, and he completely shutdown.

 

Is there anything I can do to salvage this? Or do I cut my losses, doubt he ever loved me, and go?

[Treasa]

I'm sorry all this happened. He sounds very emotionally unstable, and he's verbally and emotionally abusing you. I would go totally silent and not contact him or accept any contact from him.

 

If, maybe a few months from now, he comes back and said he's been in counseling, is VERY sorry, and is practically crawling on his knees begging you back, then I would say maybe try talking to him. But honestly, I think you're better off dating someone who's an adult - mentally speaking.

[crashvector]

I feel your pain.

 

My fiance left December 27th at 4:36pm.

 

We were going to get married this coming May in Hope, Alaska. She and I had spoken to the pastor, rented the venue, etc.

 

she left me over a pointless argument that never should have happened....it was a HUGE misunderstanding that she blew WAY out of proportion....a supposed surprise romantic dinner that I never got the chance to tell her about because she ended our engagement and hung up the phone and I haven't heard from her since.

 

Her silence is DEAFENING.

 

I would say...the BEST thing for now...is to wait.

 

Trust me..I KNOW how hard that is...when every single minute feels like an eternity.

[KatZee]

I feel like something is going on... all the finger pointing at you, and the blame on you... I don't get how he's so nasty to you, so aggressive, abusive... and to other people he's so sad and "wishing it were different." I feel like there's a ton of guilt on him and he's deflecting it onto you.

 

Does he have history of being verbally abusive to you and screaming at you during fights? He's not even communicating with you he's just attacking you, and for no real reason I can see here (unless you're omitting things).

 

Honestly he does sound unstable and this could very well be a huge bullet dodged. You don't want to be married to someone who's incapable of communication and who brings you to the level of screaming at each other and taking low blows. That's not healthy or respectful for either of you and you most certainly don't want that around any hypothetical kids.

[crashvector]

I know this adds little, but I just don't get why people act like this.

 

WHY must we tear our partners apart like this?! I dont know...I just wish people would have empathy for one another.

 

I get it...not every relationship can work...but WHY can we not part ways with grace and dignity? Why must SO many people seek to injure and belittle their former partner?

 

Have they no humanity for the fact that they have just broken the heart of another human being? Why add insult? WHY attempt to completely ruin the self-esteem of someone who is already hurting so much?

[Lost kitten]

Thank you. It's absolutely devastating. The person he is right now is NOT the person i've known for nearly 4 years, and was engaged to. It's so sad, and confusing, because I know he went to a dark place and is choosing to stay there. He is absolutely running - from responsibility, from commitments, and his feelings.

 

He still has all photos of us on facebook. (I shouldnt lurk but its impossible not to!) He believes that once I move out, he will be healed. I'm really not convinced of that. It seems like everything he's yelling at me, he's saying more to convince HIMSELF, not me.

 

I wrack my brain constantly - Is he thinking about me? Does he still love me? I just want him to be honest with me, but if he can't be honest with himself, how can he?

[Lost kitten]

I feel like something is going on... all the finger pointing at you, and the blame on you... I don't get how he's so nasty to you, so aggressive, abusive... and to other people he's so sad and "wishing it were different." I feel like there's a ton of guilt on him and he's deflecting it onto you.

 

Does he have history of being verbally abusive to you and screaming at you during fights? He's not even communicating with you he's just attacking you, and for no real reason I can see here (unless you're omitting things).

 

Honestly he does sound unstable and this could very well be a huge bullet dodged. You don't want to be married to someone who's incapable of communication and who brings you to the level of screaming at each other and taking low blows. That's not healthy or respectful for either of you and you most certainly don't want that around any hypothetical kids.

 

He has a history of having a very bad temper, in past relationships. I've never known of him to act like that towards me.

 

I'm certain his depression has caused him to do this - not me. He's been complaning of not feeling well, being overly stressed, either not sleeping or sleeping too much for a few months now, even before this. I'm not sure if he made the rash choice to walk out on us because it was something he could control or not.

 

In my research, it seems likely he's suffering from some form of bi-polar. Everything matches up. The thing is, how do I let him see that, without making him even more mad at me?

[fixing]

I'm sorry all this happened. He sounds very emotionally unstable, and he's verbally and emotionally abusing you. I would go totally silent and not contact him or accept any contact from him.

 

If, maybe a few months from now, he comes back and said he's been in counseling, is VERY sorry, and is practically crawling on his knees begging you back, then I would say maybe try talking to him. But honestly, I think you're better off dating someone who's an adult - mentally speaking.

 

Yeah this. So sorry for your sufferring OP x

[flitzanu]

of course the thing that stands out to me is right away how he changed his status on FACEBOOK to "complicated".

 

that's about the most immature thing he could do, especially since you lived together.

 

regardless of depression or anxiety, that's no real excuse to be a total prick to you. then again the fact that you too were laying into him, and both of you were at each others' throats, perhaps you're just hiding some latent animosity that has finally come out...and maybe you just aren't that compatible.

 

also standing out again is how he changed the facebook status, and later cancelled the wedding plans, like, HE IS THE ONE that is changing/cancelling/ending these things. maybe he just wasn't happy and has taken this opportunity to pull himself out of the situation.

[Lost kitten]

If he wasn't happy, I can understand that. However, something is wrong that led him to making rash moves (cancelling wedding, facebook status) without a discussion. It's so confusing.

 

These situations are difficult regardless of the situation, but his behavior is making it so much worse. He had no interest in trying, when he had admitted before the fight he had no doubts about marring me.