xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Regardless of how you feel now, do you think you are going to lust after that hot chick in 20 years the same way you did when she was 25? Why not? I mean, sure, our lust dropped a bit from year 0 to year 2. But from year 2 to year 20, there has been little difference Sexual chemistry and great connection > hot Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveinquestion Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 To respond to a few questions. 1) I do have a high sex drive. I think more so than most guys. I think this plays into my problem of focusing a lot of energy on sex. 2) It's not that I disregarded looks all together when I first met her. She well exceeded my minimum threshold of dating, but it was her personality that had me hooked and not her looks. I feel in the world of dating, you notice someone first based on looks, and go out with them and hope they have the same values/morals as you have. However, I knew my girlfriend first in social settings and got to know the real her first. We connected right away and it lead to the physical soon after. The more the relationship wore on, though, the more I focused only on her looks and took her personality for granted. (I have no reason why and I can't stop it). I definitely don't want to find a hot bimbo that I can't connect with. I was never the guy to hook up randomly and treat girls like crap (although I am sure many of you think what I am doing with my current girlfriend is just as worse). I obviously want to spend my life with my best friend. Someone I can count on and support me. Someone that makes us a great team and it's us vs. the world. However, in practicality, I would like to know if people who have been married for many years still feel that carnal sexual desire with their mate? I know love evolves over time, but I want to know if that desire fades away or always stays if they love someone. And since I don't have that animal desire I did with other women that means I don't love my current? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 However, in practicality, I would like to know if people who have been married for many years still feel that carnal sexual desire with their mate? Yes. As long as we are in our sexual years, I expect we'll maintain that carnal desire. People differ, but I would be very dissatisfied married to a man who didn't desire me. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Well, I'll be married 25 years in a few months and have been with my wife exclusively for 31 years. I still lust after her. More importantly, I love her. I have a committment to her that I would never break. I may have a higher sex drive, but I do not contemplate having sex with others because I am in a committed, monogamous relationship. You need to ask yourself if she is the person you want to enter into this type of relationship with forever. She sounds wonderful. Does she have any inkling that you feel this way? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I feel in the world of dating, you notice someone first based on looks, and go out with them and hope they have the same values/morals as you have. Well there you go . . . you've answered your own questions about what to do. It sounds like you're most comfortable with this attraction style and if you don't feel you need to settle, then you should go back to this style. Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I also think its why its important to stay in your league somewhat and not go below that or search too high up becasue if your partners a lot better looking then you and used to hotter people he or she will eventually lose lust for you So i think i know what the op means..while the girl might not be ugly or anything the op has probably had much hotter and its hard for him to have that same lust for her that he had and enjoyed in the past I had the same experience this girl i dated that i clicked with while she wasnt unaaractive she was ok looking but i was used to much hotter..this girl i had to almost trick my way into lusting after her because i really liked her personality but i was just tricking myself and evnetually left because there was no animal lust Link to post Share on other sites
jakelongot Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Any chance of posting a picture of the g/f in question to better assess the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveinquestion Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Well, I'll be married 25 years in a few months and have been with my wife exclusively for 31 years. I still lust after her. More importantly, I love her. I have a committment to her that I would never break. I may have a higher sex drive, but I do not contemplate having sex with others because I am in a committed, monogamous relationship. You need to ask yourself if she is the person you want to enter into this type of relationship with forever. She sounds wonderful. Does she have any inkling that you feel this way? That sounds great. It's answers like that which make me doubt my current relationship and agree with everyone who says to end it. However, she IS wonderful and I don't think I'll ever find someone again that I can connect with like this (I have dated enough to realize how incredibly hard they are to come by). However, I don't want to feel like I am "compromising" in any way - she deserves it all also and she deserves to be with a man that can give her all she wants. She is incredibly happy with me and she knows that I have doubts every once in awhile (I don't frame these doubts as "I am not attracted to you"). I told her again last night - explained to her that I don't lust after her all the time and I don't know if that's a problem or I'm making something big out of nothing. She obviously gets devasted when I tell her that something isn't clicking with me sexually. She is very pragmatic about life - she's been through a lot and knows how to cope with things. She won't wait much longer for me...nor should she. She will move on from me if I can't commit and will in no time find a great guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveinquestion Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Any chance of posting a picture of the g/f in question to better assess the situation? No. I respect her way too much to do that. Most people will find her extremely attractive - she gets comments even when we walk down the street together. It's more about the way I perceive her and not other people. And the post below this one, is somewhat on point to some degree. I have had "hotter" before and definitely miss touching a nice, taught body. However, I have never even close had a better personality before (not even by a long shot). I do know as time goes on, bodies change and it seems incredibly stupid for me to emphasize the physical so much now because no matter how nice their body is now, it won't be that way in 20 years. However, I have lusted after other women who I found good looking (but as I look back on it they weren't anything special). I always knew my current girlfriend wasn't my usual "type", but I didn't think it would come back to haunt me like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Hvae you dated more attractive? Less attractive? Perhaps you could try and spice up the bedroom with some toys or blindfolds or role play or what have you Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 You know it's funny...if you turned some of the details in this around, I would swear you were my BF's fiance. He says the most awful things to her, and the sentiment is alot like what you've said...he tells her she's fat (she's probably a size 6) that she's just too big for him, that he was more attracted to his exes. That masturbating is more fun then having sex with her. Let's see...what other douchery has he said...who knows. He's basically you, only I don't know if you've actually verbalized to her how you feel. And, like you, he dated this one girl in college who he was really attracted to, but who cheated on him. Poor thing. I'm going to tell you what I wish I could tell him: GTFO. Seriously. Find someone who "does it" for you and just leave her alone so that she can find someone who is actually worth her time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minka333 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 You mentioned that she was attracted to you. But.. my hypothetical question is what would you feel and do if you accidentally found out in a secret diary or forum that she feels the same way? That she really secretly desires a hotter ex or any magic mike type of guys? And she isn't sexually attracted to you..but thinks you're amazing in all aspects Would you swallow the truth and stay? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Any chance of posting a picture of the g/f in question to better assess the situation? NO, NO, NO!!!! OP please don't post her picture. That is not fair! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Obviously as I am writing this I can tell I have issues - so please don't be harsh on my about that. I am going to go to a therapist about all of this. But thought I could use some advice on here as well. I vote go to a therapist ASAP and get some unbiased outside perspective. Once you've clarified things in your mind, you can make a decision about what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Every woman I've been in a relationship with, some days they look good, some days they look bad. I think that for me, I'm particularly critical on the days when they don't look great because somehow them going out with me reflects on me. It's a involuntary psychological thing. I'm not stupid though. I just ignore it. Do whatever you want. But don't think that dumping her is the only way just because a bunch of strangers says it is. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Every woman I've been in a relationship with, some days they look good, some days they look bad. I think that for me, I'm particularly critical on the days when they don't look great because somehow them going out with me reflects on me. It's a involuntary psychological thing. You actually think they look bad some days? Is that a typical guy thing? As a woman, the only time I think my partner looks bad is when he is very sick. Link to post Share on other sites
SilverStar Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Okay, after reading this whole thread let me share with you my experience in this area... I met a guy who was smart, funny, and thought the sun shined out of my ass. NOT to be conceded, but when I met him, I was an actress trying to make it while doing modeling gigs to pay my bills. I was all but 20 and received a lot of attention. He was 30, more then just a little over weight, short, and was not attractive to me...AT ALL. People were even confused as to why I was with him. But, much like you. I got to know him first, and gave him a chance since he was such a "great guy." Long story short... Not being attracted to your partner is a deal breaker. About 1.5 years into our relationship, I was where you are now. But, unlike taking all this wonderful advice all these people on LS have to offer, I stayed with him cause he was a "sweet guy" and I knew they were hard to find. We were so compatible in many other ways, and I knew he loved me, and wanted to make it work. This is what happened in our 5 year relationship I should have abandoned at the 1.5 year mark: -Jealously -Spite -Anger -Violence -Cheating -Lies -Deception -Abuse Those are key words describing things we BOTH did. And you might be shocked as to who did what. Because this issue is not something to be taken lightly. It is serious and can SERIOUSLY hurt everyone involved if not handled immediately. If you continue to see this girl, similar things will happen to you. Guaranteed. Spare her the pain, spare YOURSELF the pain. Stop trying to justify staying with her when you already have one foot out the door. You are only going to damage her further. And she does not deserve that. Attraction is so, so important! And after my experience, I never date anyone I don't want to jump at a moments notice. I have had zero problems since. Be an adult, and let her go on with her life. The more you drag this out, the more it will hurt. Don't learn the hard way. It's not pretty. And sure, you may never find "the total package." But that's a risk that everyone takes in the dating world. Be smart, be kind, and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
40 Fonzarelli Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Wow the original post sounded just like me to a T. Only my relationship ended after a year. OP, don't waste anymore time it's only gonna get harder. My question for you, do you think its possible that you are addicted to porn/masturbation? I only ask this because I think that was the reason why I was always hungry for variety and wanting to have sex with other girls. When you are looking at porn all the time, you usually don't watch the same clips over and over again. You get the instant gratification of a hot new girl and the cycle goes on forever. I always noticed other girls while we were together, lusting after them and having the same thoughts you did. I knew I had a problem when I wasn't excited to have sex with my gf and preferred to masturbate. I no longer look at porn and I feel it has made me a better person and I don't objectify women like before. Of course I still place an importance on looks, but in a more healthy way. I think its normal to check out other girls but when you no longer are sexually attracted to your gf then its definitely a deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 You actually think they look bad some days? Is that a typical guy thing? As a woman, the only time I think my partner looks bad is when he is very sick. Oh yea. Sometimes on the same day, she could look really bad or really hot. Depends on the lighting. Etc. Could even be the same night. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode I think it's more related to my insecurities of my own looks somehow though. I don't think that way about my female friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Dear Lord, Please save me from men like these, No offense guys Thanks , Axee Link to post Share on other sites
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