loveinquestion Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) My girlfriend and I are both 29. We have been dating 2.5 years and currently we live together. Almost everything is great – she is the first girl I’ve been with where I have ever connected on such an emotional and mental level. We share many things in common and she is such a great person. I have searched for many years to find a genuine, loyal, fun, and emotionally stable person and I have found all these traits in her. It’s just one problem that has been nagging at me for quite some time now (I would say 1.5 years on and off) – the fact I’m not sure if I am completely sexually attracted to her. A little bit of background of myself: I have dated a good number of people in the past, but only truly had 2 girlfriends before the current one. They both went on for quite a number of years (probably much longer than they should have since I knew for awhile I would never end up marrying either one of them – but I chalk that up to being in my teens and early-mid 20’s and being somewhat immature). My first girlfriend lasted for 5 years throughout college, so a part of me feels like I missed out on my college experience a little bit. After her, I went completely on looks for the next girlfriend, and while I was very much lusting after her all the time, we did not connect on an emotional level and we both decided to break it off. After her, I dated girls, but became very picky on a personality and physical level. Then, I met my current girlfriend, and I instantly felt connected to her. I’m a very sexual person and usually notice a girl first on looks, but with her it was different. We were like the same person – we had such great talks and I became instantly hooked on her. However, she was different than my previous relationships – this one started off as friends first and then became physical. She is also physically different than my normal type – she has strawberry blonde hair and is average weight, while my previous girlfriends were very petite with dark brown/black hair. At first, I didn’t even pay attention to her looks – I knew she wasn’t my usual type, but I just loved being around her. We had so much fun together. The first 6 months were great. After 6 months, we became very comfortable around each other and I would say the “honeymoon” period ended. Since then, on and off, I begin to look at her and only notice the physical. How she isn’t drop dead gorgeous and how I miss my petite, dark skinned girls I used to date. Believe me, I’m quite self-aware to know I am not a model or anything, but I can’t help to think this about her. It’s started to seep into other parts of our relationship where she knows I look depressed and it’s because I’m thinking about her looks. It’s gotten to the point where I look online or at other girls and say to myself “I wish my girlfriend’s butt was perky and big like hers” or “this girl’s boobs are much nicer”. I know I sound shallow, but I can’t help how I feel and I am looking for some guidance. I really hope this is something wrong with me which I can fix and not our relationship, because I really do love her and she really loves me. But, I have friends who are infatuated with their wives, and I don’t lust after my girl. We have sex quite often, but I don’t feel the same release as I have in prior relationships in the past – in fact, masturbating has become more enjoyable for me. I wonder if this is the first real normal relationship I have had and everything is perfect that I’m just trying to find something wrong with it. Or, she truly just isn’t my physical type and I shouldn’t waste her time. She tells me all the time how attractive she is to me and I feel very guilty that I don’t feel it to the same degree back. She is a very pretty girl, don’t get me wrong, and I know many guys out there would love to have her. But, I don’t know if she is the one for me. People say love is blind, and if I loved her I wouldn’t even be fixated on these characteristics. My biggest fear is that even though we get along great and we are best friends, I don’t love her as other people love their significant others. not sure – sorry for rambling, I am just confused, trying to look for some answers…thanks!! Edited January 2, 2013 by loveinquestion Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's perfectly natural to have preferences for what you want in a person. The problem is that you're lying to a girl who is in love with you for all that you are and most likely lusts after you. You're pretty much in a "best friend" relationship. You connect with this girl mentally and emotionally but unfortunately on one of the most important parts- the physical... you don't feel it. Pretty much 85% of your relationship you've spent unhappy because you're not attracted to her. The fact that masturbating is more enjoyable is a huge problem here and it's not going to get better and it's not going to change. This girl isn't what you're looking for on a physical level. For a relationship to really work, you need to love SOMETHING about her appearance, but you're not really saying anything here. You're mainly saying you masturbate over sex, and that you look online at other women and wish your girlfriend was more like them. This is highly unhealthy and extremely unfair to her. The physical attraction is there, or it's not. For you, it's not. I wish there was some ideal route to take here but there isn't. You can either remain physically unsatisfied and unhappy (which will honestly lead to cheating either emotionally or physically down the line) or you can end it and allow her to find someone who finds her so incredibly sexy and who can't keep their hands off her. At the end of the day, YOU will probably lose the relationship in all capacity, even friends. And then it comes down to all the questions you will get from her... "what happened?" and then you can't answer with, "I've never been attracted to you" because that's horrible. So what are you even going to say to her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Break up with her and move on. Do both of yourselves a favor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Break up with her and move on. Do both of yourselves a favor. I agree with this Has she put on weight, has she stopped getting dolled up? Is she doing anything different about her appearance? Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I agree with this Has she put on weight, has she stopped getting dolled up? Is she doing anything different about her appearance? Op was never attracted to begin with. Recipe for disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Good lord you've been thinking this for over 1/2 of your relationship! Obviously it's not getting better, Katzee is right this is a best friend type of thing. How can a relationship thrive long term with no passion? how can there be passion with no physical attraction? What's the point of a passionless relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Op was never attracted to begin with. Recipe for disaster. Oh wow, I overlooked that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 As much as you may hate to admit it to yourself, the relationship has run it's course. There is nothing you can do to make yourself more physically attracted to someone, nor "fix" some kind of emotional lacking of in order to progress to the next phase unless you were intentionally holding back or guarded. However it seems like you had a fulfilling relationship that lasted 6 mons, and otherwise you seem to have reverted to a similar pattern. Do you not realize you are doing the same thing? continuing a relationship far past the point you knew it would last? You need more experience or experimentation to figure out what really works for you, you also need to work on your own issues as there is a pattern here that does not having anything to do with these women. You seem to become infatuated with this person for some reason or other then you either detach or sabotage the relationship, out of fear of commitment or emotionally vulnerability...there could be many different things that affect you that you have to figure out. The fact of the matter is, even if you were with the "perfect girl"...judging from your history and pattern I don't anticipate you would know how to keep her or make it last, you are not ready for that level of a relationship and you are not making wise and responsible decisions with the people you are in a relationship with...which tells me you are primarily focused on your own feelings and needs. Much to learn you have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 If a women doesnt get your dick hard i dont care how much you click it aint gonna work Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Please break up with her. For your sake and for hers. Don't cite attraction issues...come up with some other reasons...but this thing needs to end. No, you are not a bad person. Everyone needs to be attracted to their mate. You are only a bad person if you continue to stay with her and deprive her (and yourself) of a more mutually fulfilling relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I tried this for a few months this year as I really liked the guy except the attraction was not really there. Doesn't work. Find someone else or you'll have a life of frustration and it will be really bad for both of you. I don't regret breaking up one bit to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Just don't tell her that you were never attracted to her. It will scar her for life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Just don't tell her that you were never attracted to her. It will scar her for life. THIS...just be up front, make a little fib about who you just aren't in love with her anymore, but yeah, dont say you were never attracted to her Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveinquestion Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It seems everyone thinks I should break it off. The only reason I haven't yet is I am afraid it's an issue with me, rather than my attraction for her. I do find her pretty and I am not turned off by the thought of her. However, I do not have the "I need to have you right now urge". It confuses me since early on in the relationship I did not have these feelings. It seemed the moment everything was comfortable I did. I know it's selfish to keep her around if I don't love her. She's a great girl and she doesn't deserve that. My fear is I won't ever find the "perfect" girl or the complete package. I am very picky when it comes to a mate and she fits every single criteria except for my lustful passion. I just don't want to make a mistake when it's such emotional issue with me when I am trying to destroy a great thing I have. I can see having a great life with this girl. She is marriage material. She has all the same values as me and for the first time ever in a relationship I trust her. It seems a part of me expects to be with a girl like a personality like I have now, but with a body of a victoria secrets model - which is clearly messed up. In the past, I have always found something wrong with the girl physicially. I have broken up with many girls in the past because of their looks. The one girl I thought was great looking was my second girlfriend, but I look back now at pictures of her and realize she isn't that attractive (somehow when I was with her I didn't pick up on any of her flaws). She controlled me though - I felt like I always had to chase her and win her and I think my obsession with her was because of that. Obviously as I am writing this I can tell I have issues - so please don't be harsh on my about that. I am going to go to a therapist about all of this. But thought I could use some advice on here as well. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Op was never attracted to begin with. I disagree -- if he was never attracted, he wouldn't have referred to a "honeymoon" period. It just sounds like a little different type of attraction -- I've heard the term "comprehensive attraction" in this context -- than what he's used to. I do agree that his relationship's on the downhill side -- at least from his standpoint. Sounds like he first wants to find his physical ideal then hope the character and emotional connection work out -- if he's up for that challenge, more power to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Yes, I agree with the above statement, In all relationships after a few months the sparks fall down and love blooms because of values, care and respect. If you go for looks alone, it WILL lead to disaster. Make no doubts about that. You are most likely commitment phobic and will find faults with everyone. A woman is not an object, and stop seeing women like that. A woman is a whole person , now you know what negative influence media has by flashing women's body parts all over. Having said that RIGHT NOW, the only right thing is to let her go , sometimes one needs to learn lessons the hard way, and believe me you will..and that regret alone will make you a better person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 The "need" does fall off naturally after a couple years, but not to the point that you don't feel the need at all. Stick a fork in this one. It's done. In the future, make sure you are at least attracted to the girl before starting a relationship. Then, if you lose attraction at the 2 year point, it is time to start looking inward: why can't you maintain attraction, when other men can? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Please let this wonderful girl go so she can be found by a man who will cherish everything about her. Good luck on your search for the perfect woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 So typical for men. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Maybe OP has a low sex drive. A lack of testosterone? I agree, one should feel the urge regardless. That could be true. I wonder about men who need super hot and/or new to get turned on by a woman. I am accustomed to men who get turned on more than they'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
jakelongot Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 In 100% of relationships there will be a loss of spark after a few years of being together 24/7. In this situation only couples with great sexual skills and imagination stay together. Those that lack imagination and need NEW genitals to get excited will have to move on. I would agree here. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part that initial lust of being with someone new will fade at some point. I think that is what the OP is experiencing here. All the females chiming in telling him to let her go are jumping to conclusions. It's not like he is cheating on her or thinking about hooking up with other girls. He is just admitting to a lack of lust after time...a very guy thing. OP, do you treat her well? Are you two happy together in other aspects other than your lust for her body? A good girl is hard to find and i'm sure it is just as true that a good guy is hard to find. It would be a shame to kill a great relationship just because your biological chemistry and human nature of being a guy lusts for something different. Best thing you can do is talk about it with your partner. Write down exactly what you want to say as it will be a little bit of a tricky subject, but discuss it as partners vs. unilaterally making a decision that could be easily correctable. If you truly love eachother you can work on things to improve sex life. Do you have any fantasies that you could incorporate in the bedroom? If not, maybe you two can come up with some things you would like to try. THAT WOULD BE HOT! If you both have fun with it, it could probably be extremely arousing to share some of those secret fantasies with eachother not to mention be a fun thing you guys can share going forward with your relationship. A fun secret that you both share!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 , If you go for looks alone, it WILL lead to disaster. Make no doubts about that. If you try to discount looks all together like the op it will lead to a disaster also People try to be pc or live in a fantasy land but looks and animal lust are a HUGE part of a relationship its why good looking people are so sought after and why average or blah looking people lose that spark with each other after awhile because once the mental spark is gone a little they relaize wait a second this person isnt even all that attractive Link to post Share on other sites
jakelongot Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 If you try to discount looks all together like the op it will lead to a disaster also People try to be pc or live in a fantasy land but looks and animal lust are a HUGE part of a relationship its why good looking people are so sought after and why average or blah looking people lose that spark with each other after awhile because once the mental spark is gone a little they relaize wait a second this person isnt even all that attractive So what would you rather spend the rest of your life with? A woman that you lust over, but isn't your best friend or a woman that is your best friend, pretty and would probably understand your feelings and work with you to make it better? Regardless of how you feel now, do you think you are going to lust after that hot chick in 20 years the same way you did when she was 25? Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 So what would you rather spend the rest of your life with? A woman that you lust over, but isn't your best friend or a woman that is your best friend, pretty and would probably understand your feelings and work with you to make it better? Regardless of how you feel now, do you think you are going to lust after that hot chick in 20 years the same way you did when she was 25? Why cant i have both? Average or unattractive people try this shaming tactic like only average or blah looking people can have great personalities:laugh: we can have the best of both worlds while not so great looking people have to find some personality trait or magical thing to find thier so sexy because their looks alone cant do it I feel sorry for those people who cant just get hot and bothered simply by looking at how hot their so is physically Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Sure, that spark fails after some time, but it doesnt sound like he ever had that physical spark toward her. OP, what was your sex drive like in past relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
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