Fondue Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hi everyone, thanks for reading my thread! Anyway, now that I'm at 25yo, have my own place, car, support myself, etc. etc. etc., I kind of feel like an "adult." So the dating game has changed, as well. Before this, college and post college dating was more about finding time to hookup, and all the courtship was done via texts, phonecalls, and just drunken tomfoolery. At this stage in life, I finally started to "date." You know, engaging in one to one activities, having stimulating/intellectual conversations, and all that jazz. That **** in the movies, really. I have found that with women whom I find to be very attracted to, my date game is kind of lacking. Conversations don't go as smoothly as I am nervous. With girls whom I have less interest in or maybe even find less physically attractive, things just go much easier! Conversations flow and building attraction seems simple. I have been looking to improve my dating skills, but I was planning on doing so by starting low and working my way up. I was wondering what LS would think. Is it immoral for me to setup dates with women I am not interested in physically or mentally just to get some of that experience in building up myself for women that I really would want to proceed with? For example, I was going to ask a girl out to dinner tomorrow as a date (and she'll likely say yes), but I am not really that interested in her. I think to myself, I may give her false expectations or attract her more unintentionally. WHat do you think?
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think it's a waste of time. Yours and hers. 7
mammasita Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 NOT AT ALL. I highly recommend it. It allows you to see different personalities and traits. It will help you hone in on what you truly want in a mate. One date is not leading anyone on. if you continue to see the other person when you aren't interested and/or try to have sex, then yes, that is wrong.....but one date hurts nobody.
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I could see this having traction if you preface your approach with the 'truth' of not looking for anything serious, since you're not, with them. Right now you need 'practice dates'. Get your practice and show them a good time. Who knows what will happen until you're in it. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Op is 25, not 13. He's seen enough of different personalities...a few practice dates is like learning how to change lanes after driving for 10 years. It's pointless. Men, women...it's just about interacting with people. Being yourself and being comfortable with yourself. If op's problem is that he has trouble being comfortable around people he's attracted to, going out on dates with people he is NOT attracted to is going to help how? Someone explain this to me because I don't get it. He needs to go out with people he IS attracted to...and get over his anxiety. 5
Mrlonelyone Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think it would be a waste of the OP's time. When dating someoneo really care about it will feel totally different much more intense and nervous. It is true that once out of college and beyond that situation dating becomes very different. In terms of what is really important in a partner, what is of value and what isn't. The sheer effort it takes to find someone who is free and relatively unfettered to date. (Outside college people have had more time to gather barnacles on their hull and take on baggage (or cute little passengers). 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Op is 25, not 13. He's seen enough of different personalities...a few practice dates is like learning how to change lanes after driving for 10 years. It's pointless. QUOTE] I don't know, I have seen people that have been driving for 40 years cut me off and forget to use turn signals when changing lanes. It would probably up his confidence and he could hone his conversation skills to be quicker to keep conversations going in a setting with a stranger on a date. being on a date is a little different than just normal day to day interaction with people. Wouldn't be very fair to the other person, but it might help him be more comfortable.
MoreThanThat Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Real life isn't rarely like the movies. It can take time to get to know if you can have a deeper connection with someone. That said, if I were a 25 year old male looking forward to the next stage when considering women to date - I'd focus on dating girls who had at least some common interests with attraction and put the deal breakers aside. Just enjoy time and maybe there will be one you do want to see again. I'm in mid 40s and have gone from one relationship to another. Been proposed to a handful of times. I said no in all but one case (where we did get married). I had my head up my ass about a lot of the men I saw because I was focusing more on what was wrong with each of them rather than what was right.
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 See, this is where things go sideways for me..... women historically socialize/date/have casual sex with whomever they choose, without regard to the man's feelings, sensibilities and/or any propriety. They do what they want. That's been my universal experience, without exception. If things match up, progress occurs. If not, next. We even see postings on these forums by women about going out with men they're decidedly not attracted to just for something to do or to get their mind off a breakup or ex. My exW essentially told me the same thing. To them, it's 'fun'. The OP wants to get into his dating groove; to feel comfortable being out and socializing with ladies and honing his dating skills. If they each enjoy the interaction, no animals are harmed in the making of the dating practice session. The lady will likely be far more experienced so can provide some good examples of style and technique for the OP to gather more information from. One or two dates with heretofore strangers aren't anything 'serious'; they're casual interaction. Goose and gander. Equal opportunity. My vote is to enjoy. Be honest, be polite, be respectful and have a good time. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think women often use men for a variety of reasons...maybe not "use" is the right word because if they accepted that fact they'd feel guilty about it...well at least some. However I think it's reasonable to go on dates and let your date know your intentions and where you stand, not necessarily that you intend to use her. The thing that can be misleading is when you say one thing then do another, like some people decide when a person isn't into them they have to work for it until that person is into them...then they feel ok to ditch that person because they pulled in another catch. I've seen a lot of men and women do this alike, men do it for the ego rub and practice, women do it for the attention, and validation...as many need someone into them at all times, they're like ping pong balls going from one potential love interest to another and when there is nothing better on the radar they just dabble in what is around them until someone else comes in the picture they like better or are truly into. I wouldn't also go into things so seriously, you are only 25 and you're still learning things about yourself and the dating game. I think you're a little behind on the conversational skill level as you haven't had any real dating experience but instead of going out with an agenda just go out to have fun and get to know someone, taking the pressure off yourself will likely allow yourself to be more of who you are...right now you just feel your skills are lacking and need to build them up so you can woo that next girl you take seriously, maybe you got rejected or a little burned and feel you need the practice, but don't look at it that way...just take it as a knockdown, but don't come up with a whole new strategy, just slow it down and calm your nerves...I know it's easier when it's not someone you are crazy about and want to perform at your best, but instead of pulling everything back in ego or confidence wise, leave it exposed and just face your fears...don't react, hold the line and just push yourself out of your comfort zone, don't be worried about failing just learn from your mistakes.
EasyHeart Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Not only is it not immoral, it's required. That is exactly how we learn to date and interact with the opposite sex. How are you going to play in the majors if you've never played AA ball?
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 See, this is where things go sideways for me..... women historically socialize/date/have casual sex with whomever they choose, without regard to the man's feelings, sensibilities and/or any propriety. They do what they want. That's been my universal experience, without exception. If things match up, progress occurs. If not, next. We even see postings on these forums by women about going out with men they're decidedly not attracted to just for something to do or to get their mind off a breakup or ex. My exW essentially told me the same thing. To them, it's 'fun'. The OP wants to get into his dating groove; to feel comfortable being out and socializing with ladies and honing his dating skills. If they each enjoy the interaction, no animals are harmed in the making of the dating practice session. The lady will likely be far more experienced so can provide some good examples of style and technique for the OP to gather more information from. One or two dates with heretofore strangers aren't anything 'serious'; they're casual interaction. Goose and gander. Equal opportunity. My vote is to enjoy. Be honest, be polite, be respectful and have a good time. Op isn't looking for casual sex. He stated very clearly that he is nervous around women he is attracted to (but fine around those he isn't) so he was wondering if "practice" dates with women he wasn't attracted to would help. That's like practicing football to get better at basketball.
Casablanca Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Not only is it not immoral, it's required. That is exactly how we learn to date and interact with the opposite sex. How are you going to play in the majors if you've never played AA ball? But you date someone you think you'll be attracted to improve skills. He wants dates with people he has no interest in at all. Just leading on the other person involved.
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 If you know she is interested in you, it is unkind to pretend you are interested in her, when you actually are not. I'm in the "waste of time" camp. Go out with someone you at least have some interest in. 3
iris219 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I don't see the benefit in going out with women he's not into. He's already said he does fine with women he's isn't attracted to, so what's the point? However, if he thinks he would like to get to know the woman better because he thinks his feeling for her might develop, he should go. 2
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Sounds like something that I should try as well. Though I wonder how one would be able to convince somebody they aren't interested in to go on a date.
Divasu Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 For example, I was going to ask a girl out to dinner tomorrow as a date (and she'll likely say yes), but I am not really that interested in her. I think to myself, I may give her false expectations or attract her more unintentionally. WHat do you think? Tell her beforehand you're not interested in anything long term with her. If she is still open to going on a date with you, great.
Author Fondue Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 There seems to be some confusion as to what purpose this serves for me, if I plan to start doing this. My main concern while "adult" dating with beautiful/desriable women is conversation and keeping interest. Here's the thing, desirable women are desired by many. There is competition. Regardless of how attractive one (a man) may be, if it isn't backed up by ability to communicate affectively and in an interesting way, you wont get very far. I was hoping to hone my routine, my jokes, story telling, and general chat flow. I find this to be easier with women that I am either not interested in, or women I know whom already interested in me. I was planning on "working my way up," so to speak. Get closer and closer to my goal by getting better and better at my craft. As far as casual sex goes: Relationships that I have which resulted in casual sex were pre-determined. I let them know full well that it is about sex only and nothing else. I wouldn't want to lead someone on. So if these women that I would be taking out for "practice" happened to lead to a sexual encounter, I would make it known to them that it is just that-- sex.
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I was hoping to hone my routine, my jokes, story telling, and general chat flow. I find this to be easier with women that I am either not interested in, or women I know whom already interested in me. Just be yourself and you wont have a problem, all that stuff you mention just comes naturally. Talking with a woman shouldn't be any different than talking to your male friends...sure you'll talk about different things and may be a little more filtered, but it really shouldnt change anything...women are just people too...just with boobs, a vagina and sans penis 1
todreaminblue Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I am in a similar position more comfortable around guys i am not attracted too and considering going on dates just to get it over with, it doesnt feel right though, especially when there is an attraction on the other end and nothing from me bar friendship and hopefully they have fun,thinking of calling the friendship card and if they can handle that then it is fair i guess....the basic truth is....groan...i dotn know what i am doing so i really should just step back and get a clue before i start to date, and taking the easy way out by not feeling anything is chicken territory and i am meant to be kamikaze deb...just not in the dating realm..i am way too out there for most men....so ill think ill become a nun..deb
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I am in a similar position more comfortable around guys i am not attracted too and considering going on dates just to get it over with, it doesnt feel right though, especially when there is an attraction on the other end and nothing from me bar friendship and hopefully they have fun,thinking of calling the friendship card and if they can handle that then it is fair i guess....the basic truth is....groan...i dotn know what i am doing so i really should just step back and get a clue before i start to date, and taking the easy way out by not feeling anything is chicken territory and i am meant to be kamikaze deb...just not in the dating realm..i am way too out there for most men....so ill think ill become a nun..deb It doesn't matter if you come off as a little shy or tongue twisted, if the guy likes you, this won't be a problem.
Maneater Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 yes it's immoral. why don't you go on a date with someone you are interested in and still call it practice!
xxoo Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I was hoping to hone my routine, my jokes, story telling, and general chat flow. I find this to be easier with women that I am either not interested in, or women I know whom already interested in me. Don't you practice this in basically all social situations? Why would you need to date someone you aren't attracted to in order to practice these things? Go to a party and mingle! 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 There seems to be some confusion as to what purpose this serves for me, if I plan to start doing this. My main concern while "adult" dating with beautiful/desriable women is conversation and keeping interest. Here's the thing, desirable women are desired by many. There is competition. Regardless of how attractive one (a man) may be, if it isn't backed up by ability to communicate affectively and in an interesting way, you wont get very far. I was hoping to hone my routine, my jokes, story telling, and general chat flow. I find this to be easier with women that I am either not interested in, or women I know whom already interested in me. I was planning on "working my way up," so to speak. Get closer and closer to my goal by getting better and better at my craft. As far as casual sex goes: Relationships that I have which resulted in casual sex were pre-determined. I let them know full well that it is about sex only and nothing else. I wouldn't want to lead someone on. So if these women that I would be taking out for "practice" happened to lead to a sexual encounter, I would make it known to them that it is just that-- sex. This has probably already been said but YOU'RE TRYING TO HARD. You don't have to do anything but be yourself.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Sounds like something that I should try as well. Though I wonder how one would be able to convince somebody they aren't interested in to go on a date. That's the funny thing. If you were to ask out a woman you had no interest in (or even just didn't have any real hope for getting a yes from) that's who will say yes. When you care; they don't care. When you don't care or stop caring; they care or suddenly start caring. It was funny then and funny now; because it was true then and it is true now. So go for it. I'll bet $20 if you walked outside and asked out a totally random single woman, cold approach, to have a coffe and convo with you they would say yes. Trouble is it'll be someone you don't like and therefore totally hollow! smh
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