How do I break off friendship with my friend because of my crush on her husband.

[figureitout13]

I really like my friend-I've never really had friends that were girls before and now as an adult-I've found a great circle of friends that aren't petty, or envious of other people. They understand what is important in life and it feels good to surround myself with people like that. Backstory: I met her and she is great! I met her husband and he's just as great! Nice people, nice family-he's attractive, smart, funny, with a strong and confident presence about him. We see eachothers family's through several different events such as school, sports, kids extracurricular activities. We are all very involved parents and have the best intentions for our families and children, so I don't want my friend to begin to think she did anything wrong for me to pull away as a friend but her husband and I enjoy eachothers company alittle too much, when we're all in a group. our conversations usually turn into one on one conversations and it feels like no one else is even there- I know it's horrible and I feel nauseas about it. My marriage is still recovering from my husband having an affair 4 yrs ago and I would never wish that upon an enemy let alone my friend and her children. but lately there has been awkward accidently hand touches followed by half embarrassed smiles and when I asked for something as a favor for my child and it was given to me I was truly happy for my child that I squealed an excited Thank you in his direction which was reciprocated by a devastatingly handsome smile/wink combo (not really his style at all) and a mouthed "anything". Honestly, I had to catch my breath. I love my children, and have been spinning my wheels to stay focused on helping my marriage recover, but I become absolutely undone around him more and more and need to give myself clarity. I just don't know what to tell my friend as to why we'll be declining invitations. I feel like a failure as a friend and a coward as a person

[ComingInHot]

I think your best bet is to look at the situation from a little bit different perspective. You Recognize your attraction for another woman's husband. Nothing has happened yet. And Nothing should. But instead of viewing it as you can't be friends w/her due to your attraction to him, decline the invitations unless it is a girls night or get together saying your going to focus on YOUR hubby tonight but thanks anyway. That is why you should be doing anyway and putting it in that context will not leave your friend feeling uncomfortable and the message will get relayed to her husband and he will get the picture as well.

 

Whatever you do, don't start justifying little things for interacting w/them/him. In the end you will become what your husband became for a time, a cheater, and you will have inflicted the same pain you felt onto another woman and friend no less.

 

I'm actually really proud of your acknowledgement of for seeing the trainwreck that could be. Stay strong!!

[whichwayisup]

I feel like a failure as a friend and a coward as a person

 

Did you tell your husband how you've felt about your friends husband? If not, WHY not? I think you should tell your husband..It'll for sure stop your feelings in it's tracks as well as make you focus on your husband and marriage.

 

The above, feeling like a failure as a friend..Better to feel that than to be a failure as a wife. Your priorities and worries are with the wrong person. Sorry to be blunt there.

 

You aren't a coward.. You are doing something about this BEFORE an affair happens. Question - Now that you have a crush on someone who is married, a friends husband, does this make you understand your husband's choice in having an affair?

[neveragain34]

when I asked for something as a favor for my child and it was given to me I was truly happy for my child that I squealed an excited Thank you in his direction which was reciprocated by a devastatingly handsome smile/wink combo (not really his style at all) and a mouthed "anything". Honestly, I had to catch my breath. I love my children, and have been spinning my wheels to stay focused on helping my marriage recover, but I become absolutely undone around him more and more and need to give myself clarity. I just don't know what to tell my friend as to why we'll be declining invitations. I feel like a failure as a friend and a coward as a person

 

Why are you asking favors of him to begin with? I don't think you're as concerned with your friend as you are putting out there or it wouldn't have even come to this point of becoming "undone" around him. You let the flirtation and attention go to far and you are now concerned with your marriage and the possibility of straying, not your friendship and that is why you want to distance yourself from them.

[Snowflower]

Did you tell your husband how you've felt about your friends husband? If not, WHY not? I think you should tell your husband..It'll for sure stop your feelings in it's tracks as well as make you focus on your husband and marriage.

 

The above, feeling like a failure as a friend..Better to feel that than to be a failure as a wife. Your priorities and worries are with the wrong person. Sorry to be blunt there.

 

You aren't a coward.. You are doing something about this BEFORE an affair happens. Question - Now that you have a crush on someone who is married, a friends husband, does this make you understand your husband's choice in having an affair?

 

The bolded part above is really good advice. In fact, many marriage-strengthening books and advice really advocate this idea...to tell your spouse about your attraction to another person.

 

Sure, it might be very awkward and uncomfortable but it will nip your feelings right in the bud and it has the added benefit of bringing strength to your relationship with your husband. And, since your H had an affair, he might be able to help you understand what is going on (and learn from it himself).

 

I actually had to deal with a similar situation myself recently. A business associate of my husband's started flirting with me. We aren't exactly friends, but he was an attractive enough guy, friendly and interesting. At first, I blew it off but it became more and more awkward. I told my H about it and it really helped. (like your H, my H also had an affair 4 years ago and we are still recovering)

 

Kudos to you for recognizing that this would cause a lot of pain to a lot of people. Talk to your H and figure out how to handle this together. Your H is the first consideration here, ahead of your friends.

 

I do like the advice of telling your friend (the wife--maybe when the 4 of you are all present) that you are going to concentrate on your marriage and family a little bit more in the New Year so you won't be as available for a little while. No more explanation than that is necessary.

[figureitout13]

Thank you "Coming in Hot" but it still makes me feel guilty that I have dreamt of being with this man, I still feel, I'm betraying my family-not my husband but my family as a unit.

As for my husband, I gave him my everything and now I give his "everything to our children" We have a courteous marriage-no ugly fights and when we disagree, we agree to disagree. We have sex and he tries to satisfy me (where he didn't try before)and I do have sex with him willingly but lately when we have, I dream of my friend. My husband wants me to behave with him the way I did before his Affair- I can't do that because I am not that same person and he knows that. I'm the deer that you accidentally see in the woods and he knows if he moves to closely I will run, so he doesn't push me. I can't let my children learn about selfishnes and heartache this way or not just yet, at least-they're only 5 and 8. They think Daddy is the the bestest, So I smile, hug everyone and say "yes he is isn't he". As horrible as it is, I can't bring myself to feel sorry for my husband even if everyday my only task is to try to find a little more respect for him to hopefully regain some measure of love for him above Platonic love.

[woinlove]

It sounds like you are feeding this fantasy by thinking about your friend's husband when you are not with him. Feed it and it grows into an obsession. If you really want to be faithful and a good friend, you need to refocus and end the fantasy in your head. When you think about sex and romance with your friend's husband, think of your friend, your husband, your family, yourself as trustworthy, or whatever will give the idea of having an affair with your friend's husband a negative slant. And then try to replace it with something positive.

 

I discuss all of my attractions with my H. If you can get to that point, I think it is a good state to be in.

[figureitout13]

"never again 34" I didn't ask him for the favor it was to a different group of mutual friends and he came forward and made the item for my child-I didn't even know he knew anything about my request.

In any case, I have already begun for the last couple of months to reduce my conversation and any/all interaction with him for a while now, but his wife invites me over to chat every now and then (which I have also started declining) but I feel like she's thinks she's did something wrong and I don't want her to feel that way at all.

I am sorry I am not as cocnerned for my husbands' opinion on this I just feel that our marriage is on thin enough ice right now and don't think it will help our marriage as much as it could just just us further apart and an extremely delicate point.

I apreciate the observation, and I'm the first person usually to mention the 10,000 lb gorilla in the room-I truly do hate sweeping issues under the rug, but unfortunately we do change from the convictions we once held so high in regard and yes I am mortified to say I FEAR I am with my husband "for the sake of the kids".

I adored my husband, he was once funny, shy, never meant ill will to anyone and I loved him for that. People often wondered what we had in common, and I would say-"he makes me laugh" He always had jealousy issues but I never gave him reason, because as long as I had him, no one else existed. The problem is that that husband, no longer exists. It's like he died 4 yrs ago.

[figureitout13]

You're right, Absolutely! I think I feel that the dreams are safe because it's not really happeing or I can say it's just in my head but it is feeding it because before I would have to beg my husband to go with us to these events and last year if he didn't go, I felt all the better for it and it's not right. Aside from that I don't think it's in my head how this person is behaving either and I'm more fearful now that he might act on it at some point. redirecting my focus is the best advice- It's sounds so stupid to start spreading rumors that I'm going to focus more on my marriage in 2013, but it might work. It will definitely ring true-as this group(or at least my friends know about my husbands affair-so I assume their husbands know as well)

[Snowflower]

You're right, Absolutely! I think I feel that the dreams are safe because it's not really happeing or I can say it's just in my head but it is feeding it because before I would have to beg my husband to go with us to these events and last year if he didn't go, I felt all the better for it and it's not right. Aside from that I don't think it's in my head how this person is behaving either and I'm more fearful now that he might act on it at some point. redirecting my focus is the best advice- It's sounds so stupid to start spreading rumors that I'm going to focus more on my marriage in 2013, but it might work. It will definitely ring true-as this group(or at least my friends know about my husbands affair-so I assume their husbands know as well)

 

When I gave this advice, I didn't mean a rumor!

 

I meant that if you said you were focusing on your marriage and family that your friend's husband would get the hint and realize that you are off-limits!! That you were focusing on your family and therefore were not interested in any type of flirtation--if that is what is happening.

 

Look, reading your subsequent posts tells me that you have a lot of issues in your marriage from your H's affair. Fair enough. Do not drag another family through the same pain as you experienced because you are having a little fantasy in your head and the other guy seems to be reciprocating.

[woinlove]

You're right, Absolutely! I think I feel that the dreams are safe because it's not really happeing or I can say it's just in my head but it is feeding it because before I would have to beg my husband to go with us to these events and last year if he didn't go, I felt all the better for it and it's not right.

 

In the long run, you are causing yourself more problems to give these fantasies free reign. Turning them around, by thinking of the negatives, will give you more control and allow you to spend more time in the present reality, which is where real happiness lies. If you are not happy with your present reality, then change it. Don't use fantasies in lieu of making constructive changes to your life.

[neveragain34]

Sounds like you have troubles that run far deeper than this friendship. Have you tried MC recently? I sense many unresolved issues over the past 4 years as a result of his affair.

[figureitout13]

Snowflake,

That's exactly WHY I was asking for advice on what to say to my friend. Because I Iknow what it's like for something like this to happen to someone and I know what it does. I never made many female friends, kept to work and my family-eyes forward. I saw alot of pettyness go on in my sister-in-laws circles of friends and assumed everyone was like that. Call it dysfunctional, but I didn't expect any better from anyone else and this person-my friend has helped me through alot and showed me differently-so I felt I owed it to her to not hurt her feelings-but I guess I was really looking for a way to keep her as my confidante and friend and more to discord any ideas her husband might think were appropriate-either by my reactions or interactions toward him. She knows we were in MC she knows how hard I tried-I'm not looking for sympathy-that's not me, what I'm saying is that she and my other 2 friends have been giving me suggestions that maybe it was time I moved on from my husband-so maybe rumor is a poor choice of words.But a turn around is what she might think it is because I've stopped justifying my reasons for being in this marriage when they offer me their well meaning advice that "in the end I shouldn't stay in a relationship that makes me unhappy" but I just stopped justifying it,because I know that deep down I would continue to try and salvage something from my marriage til kingdom come, that may be displaced stubbornness or never wanting to quit anything in my life, or residual Catholic Guilt over the whole mess, because for once I felt I had a support system in place that didn't solely include me. Guess what I really wanted was to find a way to keep the friendship with her but It's obvious I can't I don't know how.

[ComingInHot]

Does your friend's husband know your husband cheated?

If so, he may be thinking yur up for some revenge sex...I know you said he's a great guy but Most cheating husbands appear to be great guys. Some are that chose bad behavior but mostly these MM are Not such great guys and they can spot a vulnerable woman a mile away. And lady, you ARE vulnerable. Please be careful*

[figureitout13]

Thanks neveragain38 and woinlove this website has helped me far greater than venting any issues on SI has. On the MC note, H doesn't think he needs it anymore, but I am more than welcome to have at it if I like-So maybe I WILL!

 

 

Sometimes it tastes bad, but the medicine is good for you.

[Snowflower]

Okay, figureitout, your last post makes it more clear to me at least. My friends helped me so much as I figured things out after my H's affair.

 

Is there a way that you can just be friends with her and not see him at all? You know, go do girly stuff like shopping, lunch, girls night, etc, without him being around? If you value her friendship, there might be a way for you to figure out how to do this. You can still use the "prioritize our family" in 2013 excuse (how about that instead of rumor) to eliminate spending any couple/family time with them and instead only be friends with her.

[Snowflower]

Does your friend's husband know your husband cheated?

If so, he may be thinking yur up for some revenge sex...I know you said he's a great guy but Most cheating husbands appear to be great guys. Some are that chose bad behavior but mostly these MM are Not such great guys and they can spot a vulnerable woman a mile away. And lady, you ARE vulnerable. Please be careful*

 

It could be this^^^ some men are like this even if they have the appearance of a great family man/husband.

 

Or, figureitout, could it be that you are assigning all these great qualities to him and have become attracted to him simply because he really is a good husband who unlike yours, has never cheated? Maybe his "attention" toward you is simply him being nice to his wife's friend?

 

Does that even make sense?

 

I know for a long while, I was insanely jealous of all my friends' marriages that had been untarnished by cheating. I never became attracted to any of their husbands, not at all, but I was so envious of the great men my friends had married.

 

Just a thought.

[figureitout13]

I don't know for sure if he knows, I just assume they all did because when I told my friend, another close friend offered her support in any way (stating it was the reason her first marriage ended) So I figured they talked about it-I never told her not to mention it. Then we all went camping that summer and when my husband couldn't get the days off work at the last minute- I went alone and everyone was constantly asking me if I need anything and their husbands were very helpful in helping me put up camp and get gear together-not that I needed help, I was used to doing it, but it was like everyone had kid gloves on. A little uncomfortable until I thanked them and let them know I had camped before with my 4 brothers many times and could handle it. I don't feel so vulnerable-just stupid for being socially inept when it comes to female friends. but I tread much more carefully.

[neveragain34]

Does your friend's husband know your husband cheated?

If so, he may be thinking yur up for some revenge sex...I know you said he's a great guy but Most cheating husbands appear to be great guys. Some are that chose bad behavior but mostly these MM are Not such great guys and they can spot a vulnerable woman a mile away. And lady, you ARE vulnerable. Please be careful*

 

I agree with CIH; this man is not as great as you think he is and he smells his prey. The smile/wink with the words "anything" from him are creepy douchebag behaviors. I can just picture him now. Lol. If you think he's willing to go through with an affair (which it sounds like he would), then he is obviously not this great guy you are fantasizing about. Instead of ending your friendship with this woman, why not try seeing him in this negative light, a light that shines on a cheater. Remember the pain your husband caused you when he had an affair, the pain you are still experiencing 4 years later, and then ask yourself if you really want to be with or even fantasize about someone who is willing to put his wife, who is also your friend, through that same misery. Once you see him in a different light, it will be much easier to resist him and keep your friendship with his wife.

[figureitout13]

Wow, I'm actually laughing as I picture what you just put in my head-and you're right-I used to think "hey that was incredibly sexy" and now I'm laughing at how cheesy it must all look. I always considered myself someone very in tune with men-growing up with brothers seeing behind the curtain-a guys perspective and all-but holy crap maybe that's why I didn't see it, I didn't think that behavior would get past me as genuine. I dated alot but never slept aroundbefore I got married-so I guess I thought I knew how to recognize that behavior-I don't want to be judgmental of him-by all intense purposes his wife believes she has a great man and maybe snowflake is right-maybe I thought of course, someone as wonderful as my friend should have a great guy, but at least I can use your perception of his actions to see him in a "different light" Thank you

[Treasa]

Sorry, I only read the first page, but it sounds like your husband's affair is what made you lose attraction and deeper feelings of love for him. So by that token, if this guy is willing to cheat on his wife with you (which is sounds like he might given his actions), then it'd be the same as what your husband did.

 

I think you should look at what your husband is trying to do to make things better, and spend more time working on your relationship with him. It'd be a shame for you to lose this woman as a friend, but it'd probably be better than sleeping with her husband.

[Catplates]

Thank you "Coming in Hot" but it still makes me feel guilty that I have dreamt of being with this man, I still feel, I'm betraying my family-not my husband but my family as a unit.

As for my husband, I gave him my everything and now I give his "everything to our children" We have a courteous marriage-no ugly fights and when we disagree, we agree to disagree. We have sex and he tries to satisfy me (where he didn't try before)and I do have sex with him willingly but lately when we have, I dream of my friend. My husband wants me to behave with him the way I did before his Affair- I can't do that because I am not that same person and he knows that. I'm the deer that you accidentally see in the woods and he knows if he moves to closely I will run, so he doesn't push me. I can't let my children learn about selfishnes and heartache this way or not just yet, at least-they're only 5 and 8. They think Daddy is the the bestest, So I smile, hug everyone and say "yes he is isn't he". As horrible as it is, I can't bring myself to feel sorry for my husband even if everyday my only task is to try to find a little more respect for him to hopefully regain some measure of love for him above Platonic love.

 

It sounds as though you are living an unauthentice marriage. Have you ever recovered from you husband's affair? You sound quite unconviced that you love him at all.

 

Perhaps the feelings of betrayal and loneliness have lead you to fantasise about this other man and look for comfort? Perhaps the man has picked up that there is something lacking in your life?

 

It's very easy to take that final tumble into an affair but so difficult to get out of it.

 

Cat