grecian Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 My husband never initiates sex and it bothers the hell out of me. And not only that... he looks like he's bored when i initiate and want some loving. He sees it as a chore. And it's the same thing every time. We're only a year married. We have a baby but i'm the one who takes care of the baby all the time - and still have sex drive! I'm pretty good looking and he has told me several times that i'm hot and that sort of thing. But, he's never horny and he acts like he's not attracted to me. I told him in the past that i feel like he's not giving me enough attention or affection and he got better but it didn't last for long. He went back to his usual ways. He's the type who likes to 'look' at beautiful women. He used to get guys' magazines and stuff like that when he was younger. But at the same time he's not much into sex. We used to do it a lot when we were dating but after we got married, intimacy went to crap. I'm about 33 and he's 40. I don't know if that info helps you figure him out. What the heck should i do?? I've been told to ignore him, not tell him i love him, not initiate anything, so that he gives me more attention. Do you think that will work? And if it will, for how long? I need to make a change that will be permanent, not just for a week or two. Advice PLEASE.
Sparty97 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 My husband never initiates sex and it bothers the hell out of me. And not only that... he looks like he's bored when i initiate and want some loving. He sees it as a chore. And it's the same thing every time. We're only a year married. We have a baby but i'm the one who takes care of the baby all the time - and still have sex drive! I'm pretty good looking and he has told me several times that i'm hot and that sort of thing. But, he's never horny and he acts like he's not attracted to me. I told him in the past that i feel like he's not giving me enough attention or affection and he got better but it didn't last for long. He went back to his usual ways. He's the type who likes to 'look' at beautiful women. He used to get guys' magazines and stuff like that when he was younger. But at the same time he's not much into sex. We used to do it a lot when we were dating but after we got married, intimacy went to crap. I'm about 33 and he's 40. I don't know if that info helps you figure him out. What the heck should i do?? I've been told to ignore him, not tell him i love him, not initiate anything, so that he gives me more attention. Do you think that will work? And if it will, for how long? I need to make a change that will be permanent, not just for a week or two. Advice PLEASE. Is he overweight? HBP? He might want to get his testosterone level checked.
Author grecian Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 He's got a few extra pounds but not really overweight. He's overall healthy. He's got to get a surgery on his shoulder because of injury. He hasn't worked out in a long time because of that. Do you think that could have something to do with it? I've thought about putting on something sexy or doing something out of the ordinary to get him interested but i'm afraid it may not make a difference and I would feel humiliated. He's usually not noticing my underwear or anything like that.
Sparty97 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 He's got a few extra pounds but not really overweight. He's overall healthy. He's got to get a surgery on his shoulder because of injury. He hasn't worked out in a long time because of that. Do you think that could have something to do with it? I've thought about putting on something sexy or doing something out of the ordinary to get him interested but i'm afraid it may not make a difference and I would feel humiliated. He's usually not noticing my underwear or anything like that. Not a doc, but at 40 testosterone could be an issue. It is made worse by obesity, but if it's just a few extra pounds? Who knows.
Minnie09 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Any unresolved issues? Underlying conflicts? Passive-aggressive? He likes to look at other women in magazines? Does he watch a lot of porn? That might be a reason. Overstimulation.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Don't they say at 40 is when women are at their sexual peak just when men discover their favorite easy chair? I'm 42 and my drive hasn't gone down any - pun intended In seriousness...have you sat down with and talked about this? Ask him what is going on and that you feel sexually neglected.
Author grecian Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Any unresolved issues? Underlying conflicts? Passive-aggressive? He likes to look at other women in magazines? Does he watch a lot of porn? That might be a reason. Overstimulation. No he doesn't watch. He used to watch a lot but he quit it before we even we got married. He used to get magazines when he was younger but hasn't for several years. So there's no overstimulation for sure. He doesnt even masturbate. I know 'cause he told me he doesnt want to do that while we're married and he's true. I mean he's only at work and at home; and there's not even any time for him to do it. And he never really gets much private time. He showers quickly in the mornings before work and he never closes doors or anything like that. I've talked to him a bit in the past and he said it's the stress of work and responsibilities and the fact that he's older. But, how can we fix that??
mitchell Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 You can't fix this alone. He needs to agree that there is a problem and then determine how to proceed. If this started after your pregnancy, perhaps he now views you as more of a mother/madonna figure and less as his former hot/sexy wife. If so, he needs to work through this with some counseling. Is he having issues with erectile dysfunction when you do have sex? Are you able to get him hard and have satisfying sex when he agrees? Perhaps he is avoiding sex all together so that he doesn't have to admit to his performance anxiety. As others have said, perhaps he does have low testosterone which has decreased his libido. A trip to the doctore for a simple blood test will give you the answer. The treatment may just be a simple testosterone cream to rekindle his lust for you.
Author grecian Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 You can't fix this alone. He needs to agree that there is a problem and then determine how to proceed. If this started after your pregnancy, perhaps he now views you as more of a mother/madonna figure and less as his former hot/sexy wife. If so, he needs to work through this with some counseling. Is he having issues with erectile dysfunction when you do have sex? Are you able to get him hard and have satisfying sex when he agrees? Perhaps he is avoiding sex all together so that he doesn't have to admit to his performance anxiety. As others have said, perhaps he does have low testosterone which has decreased his libido. A trip to the doctore for a simple blood test will give you the answer. The treatment may just be a simple testosterone cream to rekindle his lust for you. He gets 'hard' really easily; most of the time just kissing him does it. There's no performance issues. But he can't be on top for awhile now because of arm injury, and so i'm on top all the time. Do you think that that may have something to do with it?
mitchell Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 He gets 'hard' really easily; most of the time just kissing him does it. There's no performance issues. But he can't be on top for awhile now because of arm injury, and so i'm on top all the time. Do you think that that may have something to do with it? I love it when my wife goes on top. I can't say if that's what is bothering him. You will need to be more direct and ask. Have you tried doggie style? Perhaps you could bend over on the bed and let him take you from behind while he is standing. He would not have any pressure on his arm that way.
standtall Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 No he doesn't watch. He used to watch a lot but he quit it before we even we got married. He used to get magazines when he was younger but hasn't for several years. So there's no overstimulation for sure. He doesnt even masturbate. I know 'cause he told me he doesnt want to do that while we're married and he's true. Well grecian, men can get really creative with hiding it when it comes to rubbing one out. Also, a man saying he doesn't self pleasure on occasion is the biggest lie in the world. Does he have a smart phone? Where does he work? Does the bathroom at his work lock? Do you see where i am going with this? I hate to say it, but the porn radar is blipping.
Author grecian Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Well grecian, men can get really creative with hiding it when it comes to rubbing one out. Also, a man saying he doesn't self pleasure on occasion is the biggest lie in the world. Does he have a smart phone? Where does he work? Does the bathroom at his work lock? Do you see where i am going with this? I hate to say it, but the porn radar is blipping. That's hard for me to believe. His job is very demanding and he's always busy there. His phone and laptop are given to him from work so I don't think he would ever do anything like that on those devices. He wouldn't jeopardize his job for porn.
standtall Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Is the phone a company device? I'm not saying that he is, but some people do. Just food for thought.
pteromom Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 We used to do it a lot when we were dating but after we got married, intimacy went to crap. Well - a few options... - he just doesn't have a high sex drive. Maybe when you were dating, the newness was enough to temporarily increase his drive, but he went back to his norm. - he has testosterone issues. - he's using porn or has some fetish he is embarrassed to bring up to you. - there are other issues in your marriage that has killed his desire for you. - he's having an affair.
Author grecian Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Well - a few options... - he just doesn't have a high sex drive. Maybe when you were dating, the newness was enough to temporarily increase his drive, but he went back to his norm. - he has testosterone issues. - he's using porn or has some fetish he is embarrassed to bring up to you. - there are other issues in your marriage that has killed his desire for you. - he's having an affair. I've talked to him about it once and he blamed his age and the stress from work. I'm not sure if it's the problem is physical (low testosterone). It may be psychological 'cause he hit the 40's and he thinks he's old. What can I do about that though??
Author grecian Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 OK you guys are gonna curse me out probably cuz i made a big deal out of it, it seems. I talked to him last night... He said that he's usually tired from work but even when he's not tired, he can't relax because he thinks about the possible complications of having sex. He doesnt want to get me pregnant so soon after having our baby; he hates condoms and withdrawal; they kinda kill the whole thing for him. My cycles are still not normal (almost non existent) cuz i nurse the baby, and so we can't really know if and when i'm fertile to avoid pregnancy. I hate taking the pill or putting any other contraceptive in me... so we gotta find a solution...maybe a spermicide? Is that stuff over the counter or do i have to ask my gyn? Not very familiar with that kind of stuff.
pteromom Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 OK you guys are gonna curse me out probably cuz i made a big deal out of it, it seems. I talked to him last night... He said that he's usually tired from work but even when he's not tired, he can't relax because he thinks about the possible complications of having sex. He doesnt want to get me pregnant so soon after having our baby; he hates condoms and withdrawal; they kinda kill the whole thing for him. My cycles are still not normal (almost non existent) cuz i nurse the baby, and so we can't really know if and when i'm fertile to avoid pregnancy. I hate taking the pill or putting any other contraceptive in me... so we gotta find a solution...maybe a spermicide? Is that stuff over the counter or do i have to ask my gyn? Not very familiar with that kind of stuff. There is OTC spermicide foam you can use. And strips (that melt sorta like Listerine strips). There are also female condoms. I worry that he is making excuses though. I know you don't like taking the pill, but perhaps you could try something for the short-term just to take away his excuse and see if things get better. As far as being tired from work - what about morning sex? What about having a date night where someone watches your baby and you go out and have fun together a few times a month? There are solutions if you think about it.
standtall Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Okay grecian...I'll straight up ask it then...how much weight did you gain?
Author grecian Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Okay grecian...I'll straight up ask it then...how much weight did you gain? HAHA! That's funny! Trust me... it has nothing to do with my appearance. I'm still thin. I'm only 10 pounds more than before I got pregnant and I was only 135. I'm 5'9" tall. He actually likes my looks more now 'cause my breasts are a lot larger!
Author grecian Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 As far as being tired from work - what about morning sex? What about having a date night where someone watches your baby and you go out and have fun together a few times a month? There are solutions if you think about it. Morning sex is pretty much impossible at least for now 'cause I still have the baby with me in our bedroom and he sleeps on the couch We usually do it on the weekends mid-day when the baby is asleep. I guess the time right now is a bit awkward to rekindle any passion from him. I'm getting tired of initiating all the time. How the heck can I get him to initiate? Straight up tell him that I need him to do more or what? At the same time I don't want it to be forced.
standtall Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 HAHA! That's funny! Trust me... it has nothing to do with my appearance. I'm still thin. I'm only 10 pounds more than before I got pregnant and I was only 135. I'm 5'9" tall. He actually likes my looks more now 'cause my breasts are a lot larger! Wow..you took that question well... Okay, I ran outta guesses....you must of married one of the 5 sexless guys in the universe. I hang my head in shame as I have no more to offer.
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