nes9 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 So this past August, I met a girl who is in my grad school class and we have been dating ever since. That is, up until today on my birthday when she called to tell me she was getting back together with her ex boyfriend. She and her ex boyfriend dated for a year, 9 months of which were long distance and they broke up at the end of May. We started dating in the beginning of August and we had both come out of ****ty relationships. In the beginning she mentioned a fear of not being over her ex boyfriend. Because of this, I was weary of being a rebound and I took things slow. Things progressed and things were going real well for us after a month or so Since October we were a couple, we were hanging out all the time and about a month ago I asked her if she still thinks about her ex or if she is over him. She said she is completely over him and that she only likes me. We both went home to visit our families for Christmas break. Our school is in Colorado and I live in the northeast while she lives in Florida. After a couple days of no response through phone, I sensed something was up. She finally answered my call today and I found out she got coffee with her ex boyfriend who is a cop that lives in florida, and that she plans on "trying to make things work with him." Were both going back out to Colorado in the next few days as school starts back up for us in a couple weeks. This caught me completely off guard as he hurt her really bad during their break up and things were going so well for us the past few months we were dating. Now she sees him at home, hangs out with him and is immediately back on board with dating him again??? I'm so confused. Any advice or thoughts on the situation would be great. I'm trying to wrap my head around all this.
Chi townD Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Well, you were the rebound guy. Sorry to say..... If she can toss you and your relationship to the curb in a New York Minute, then you let her go. She's not the girl for you. You're going back to school and I can guarantee you that she's going to want to talk to you and try her best to get you in the "friend zone". So, basically, you'll be taking care of her emotional needs while she's away from her cop boyfriend. She will try and contact you because that's a really sh*tty thing to do to someone on their Birthday of all days. The guilt WILL get to her at some point. Dude, you are NOT her friend. I'm pretty sure that you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with the ultimate outcome of you being nothing more than a really good "friend" to her. Avoid her like the plague. Start NC (no contact) on her, Don't answer her calls, respond to texts and block her on Facebook. She made a choice, and it wasn't you. SHe made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly that.
flitzanu Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 do exactly what Chi is saying. none of that means you did anything wrong, it just means she was never over him. the biggest hurdle as Chi points out is she is going to just expect you to be ok with this and be friends with her. do not be friends with her, and do not communicate with her.
fixing Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Well, you were the rebound guy. Sorry to say..... If she can toss you and your relationship to the curb in a New York Minute, then you let her go. She's not the girl for you. You're going back to school and I can guarantee you that she's going to want to talk to you and try her best to get you in the "friend zone". So, basically, you'll be taking care of her emotional needs while she's away from her cop boyfriend. She will try and contact you because that's a really sh*tty thing to do to someone on their Birthday of all days. The guilt WILL get to her at some point. Dude, you are NOT her friend. I'm pretty sure that you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with the ultimate outcome of you being nothing more than a really good "friend" to her. Avoid her like the plague. Start NC (no contact) on her, Don't answer her calls, respond to texts and block her on Facebook. She made a choice, and it wasn't you. SHe made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly that. +1000000 Sorry for your pain OP.
Author nes9 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I have already unfriended her on facebook and deleted her cell phone number. The only thing is, we'll see each other on a daily basis in class. The thing I'm worried about is that she will try to come back to me in the future and I will cave. It has happened to me in the past with the last two girls that I have dated and gotten dumped by. They broke up with me and came back to me after future endeavors hadn't worked out and I caved and re-dated them again. thinking it would work the second time around. I would bet a lot of money on it not working out between her and her jealous ex-boyfriend when she comes back out to colorado and he's still in Florida. I know that is the wishfull part of me thinking and that I shouldn't worry about what happens between her and her ex. But if her relationship goes to **** again and old problems resurface after a month or so, all the NC in the world won't keep me away from her as she is in all my classes.
mike588 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 So this past August, I met a girl who is in my grad school class and we have been dating ever since. That is, up until today on my birthday when she called to tell me she was getting back together with her ex boyfriend. She and her ex boyfriend dated for a year, 9 months of which were long distance and they broke up at the end of May. We started dating in the beginning of August and we had both come out of ****ty relationships. In the beginning she mentioned a fear of not being over her ex boyfriend. Because of this, I was weary of being a rebound and I took things slow. Things progressed and things were going real well for us after a month or so Since October we were a couple, we were hanging out all the time and about a month ago I asked her if she still thinks about her ex or if she is over him. She said she is completely over him and that she only likes me. We both went home to visit our families for Christmas break. Our school is in Colorado and I live in the northeast while she lives in Florida. After a couple days of no response through phone, I sensed something was up. She finally answered my call today and I found out she got coffee with her ex boyfriend who is a cop that lives in florida, and that she plans on "trying to make things work with him." Were both going back out to Colorado in the next few days as school starts back up for us in a couple weeks. This caught me completely off guard as he hurt her really bad during their break up and things were going so well for us the past few months we were dating. Now she sees him at home, hangs out with him and is immediately back on board with dating him again??? I'm so confused. Any advice or thoughts on the situation would be great. I'm trying to wrap my head around all this. Yep you were a rebound and sounds so familiar. 2 years ago I reconnected with an old friend and we met up and one thing led to another. Mine was 'fresh" out of a relationship (HUGE RED flag) I ignored and I believed her when to assured me...then reassured many many times she would NEVER go back to him. She told me I was the best thing to ever come along in her life..she loved me blah blah blah. We dated for a year then out of the blue she tells me she going back to him...WHAT!!! Needless to say I was devestated and went thru all the broken heart symptoms. Thing is (like your ex) is that she never really took the time to heal/get over her ex. Our ex.s were still in love with that "other person" and couldn't let go. She may or may not have intentionally used you though...you were just there as an emotional bandaid....to help her during her rough time/s. Someone to be with..to do things with etc.etc. She may have also believed or wanted to believe that it could work with you but her heart was never really there..she was still hung up on her ex. still emotionally attached. I know it sucks but you need to let her go!! Don't contact her in any way!! DON'T,,,she has made her decision now leave her alone. Contacting her...crying..begging..pleading will NOT help and will make you look PATHETIC!! Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I know that's easy for me to say (cause I've been there) but it's the best thing for you. Mine contacted me after I went strict no contact around the 6...7 month mark full of apoligies and regrets.....your may too. 1
Author nes9 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 I just don't get why she went back to her ex. Her and I both have 2.5 years of pharmacy school left. If her relationship with her ex couldn't last through the first 6 months of school, you would think she would be smart enough to not jump back into the same LDR that left her crushed. I can't predict the future but it just looks like she is grasping at straws with what she's doing. It has left me confused as hell. I wish I could tell her these thoughts but it would be so useless and wouldn't make her want to be with me anymore than she does now.
flitzanu Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I just don't get why she went back to her ex. Her and I both have 2.5 years of pharmacy school left. If her relationship with her ex couldn't last through the first 6 months of school, you would think she would be smart enough to not jump back into the same LDR that left her crushed. I can't predict the future but it just looks like she is grasping at straws with what she's doing. It has left me confused as hell. I wish I could tell her these thoughts but it would be so useless and wouldn't make her want to be with me anymore than she does now. this part is absolutely true, and it's great that YOU see this. but you're right, that was her decision, and nothing you say is going to make her see any differently. per the above, there's no magic to keep you from going back to her if she crawls back to you, that's something you're going to have to be strong about doing. she did it once now, who's to say she won't do it again? also the "two other girls" you mentioned that did this to you...you're not with them, so obviously they just left again, so that should give you an idea of what would happen. she made her bed, let her lie in it.
Joaquin Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Trying to rationalise her behaviour will get you nowhere. She told you she wasn't over her bf. You chose to ignore that huge red flag. Was she communicating with her ex while you were together? I broke up with a girl in my class in college. It's actually easier then you might think. You just blank them. Ignore her completely.
Author nes9 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 No she wasn't contacting her ex bf. Only reason I say this with confidence is she would let me use her phone any time, even if she was in the shower etc. She definitely had nothing to hide and when I talked to her on the phone when she broke up with me, she said the other day was the first time she had talked to her ex since they broke up back in late may. I shouldn't have ignored the red flag when she told me she wasn't over her ex after a few weeks of us dating. But when she said that, we slowed things down for a bit. Then started hanging out again and when things started getting more serious I asked her if she still thinks about her ex and she looked me in the eye with confidence and said she was over him. I've dealt with some dishonest girls and this is one of the most honest girls I've come by. I mean, after she had been dating me for a few weeks she took initiative to text me and tell me she still had thoughts of her ex because she felt "she owed it to me to let me know that." That's pretty admirable considering most girls would just keep that to themselves and keep playing the dude. I really think she thought she was over him. My mistake was I should have bailed early on the first time when she said she was still thinking of her ex. I felt that if her and I kept hanging out and stuff went well (which it definitely was) then her and I would work out, seeing as her ex lives across the country. I was wrong. This is my first time dealing with a girl that had problems getting over her ex. No breakups are ever easy or good in anyway. I've broken up with one ex-girlfriend, been broken up with by the next, cheated on by the next girlfriend and now this ex-bf crap. Though they all sucked and hurt, this one is the most confusing to me just because of how well things were going between her and I. I know there was the red flag in the beginning and I should have taken it more seriously but as things progressed I really thought it was no longer an issue. All my other relationships I could see deteriorating at some point, I could tell one ex was growing apart, I suspected cheating by the other but this caught me completely off guard. Went from talking to me on the phone one day and saying how much she misses me and cant wait to get back to Colorado in a few days so she can see me, to 3 days of silence and dropping the bomb on my birthday. Sorry for any ranting/repeating of myself but I'm just bewildered and it helps me to vent on here and read the advice in the responses.
Chi townD Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 No she wasn't contacting her ex bf. Only reason I say this with confidence is she would let me use her phone any time, even if she was in the shower etc. She definitely had nothing to hide and when I talked to her on the phone when she broke up with me, she said the other day was the first time she had talked to her ex since they broke up back in late may. But, the point is. She's with him now. And you and I know that she's been intimate with him while on winter break. She tossed you to the curb and jumped right into his arms as soon as she saw him and he showed a speck of interest without ANY thought of you or your feelings. You were nothing more than an emotional band-aid to pass the time with until she was able to return to Florida and no sooner than when she got there, you were yesterday's news. Look, I'm not trying to tell you this to bring you down. I'm just trying to show you what kind of person you're dealing with. As much as you want to believe that her feelings for you were true (and they might have been at one time) one look at her Ex and she was gone. If she had any REAL feelings for you, she would have told her Ex that as far as their past relationship was concerned; that ship has sailed and she is now in a new relationship with a guy that doesn't treat her like crap. Did she do that? NOPE!!! You got the short end of that deal. Look, from what you're writing, you seem like a really good guy and wants to see the good in people (.i.e. taking girls back after they wronged you). But, you need to take a stand. Are you going to see her at school? Yeah. Is it going to hurt and burn your ass when she acts all happy and like she doesn't have a care in the world? Yep! But, you have to project the same at her. You have to act like what happened really didn't bother you. That, even though what she did to you was crappy, you will go on. You will move forward without her and that you're life will be full of successes. I am about willing to bet my paycheck that she will want to talk to you and try to be friend with you because of the fact that you will see each other in school. You say NO!!!!! You didn't get into a relationship with her to be only a friend to her. SHe made a choice and it wasn't you. She valued someone that going to be 5000 miles away from her more than the person standing right in front of her. Is she making a mistake? Probably. But, that's her mistake and you don't have to live with it. Stay strong! Keep going with NC! It's going to be tough. But, I promise, it will get better! 1
mike588 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Trying to rationalise her behaviour will get you nowhere. She told you she wasn't over her bf. You chose to ignore that huge red flag. Was she communicating with her ex while you were together? I broke up with a girl in my class in college. It's actually easier then you might think. You just blank them. Ignore her completely. Sooo right!!! Don't bother trying to analyze what happened like I did...your WASTING your time. Mine told me she still had feelings for her ex. and I FOOLISHLY ignored it believing she would never go back....Looking back on it now what a dumb ass I was!! I wondered and wondered and wondered if she was seeing him behind my back....were they having sex....was it planned...how long was it going on and finally realized it doesn't matter anymore. She made the choice and nothing was going to change her mind. Let her go and do your best to move on.
Author nes9 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Thank for the replies. Had her bf lived anywhere remotely close to driving distance to CO, I would have run for the hills as soon as she said she wasn't over him in the beginning of our relationship. But he lived across the country, a plane flight away. And we aren't finishing school anytime soon so she will be in CO for at least 2.5 more years. But alas, hindsight is 20/20 and I should have quit seeing her when she said she wasn't over her ex regardless of where he lived, as it meant I was #2 in her heart. I'm just finishing up day 2 of NC and damn it sucks. Keeping myself from contacting her actually isn't that hard, it's just coping with the emotions in my head. I get DEEPLY depressed multiple times throughout the day and it is quite literally debilitating. I can't eat, even though my stomach is in knots dying for food. When I try to take eat, I end up throwing up even though I desperately want to keep food down. I can fall asleep at nights but wake up around 6 or 7 AM and can not fall back asleep, thus making me tired throughout the day. Between that and the eating issue, I feel physically ill which just makes the healing process slower. Perhaps I will also post this part in the coping forum. Anywho, thank you for the responses thus far.
Author nes9 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 She is going to be back out here in CO on the 9th. I'm so tempted to contact her when she gets back to meet up and get answers from her about what was wrong with our relationship but my gut tells me this is not a good move. Someone please talk me out of it...
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I'll diagnose this one real quick. You're dealing with damaged goods and a b*tch. What kind of woman dumps a guy on his birthday? Really? I would always, always advise against getting emotionally involved with a girl who's not over her ex, in fact, any girl who's had a recent breakup or a recurring ex in her life. I've been in that situation one too many times. Even if she tells you she's over him or doesn't want to go back, it's BS. She'd be remembering the cons of the relationship and trying to think logically which women just never do consistently in emotional matters. There should be like a manual for rebounds. Rule #1, keep her an option, because that's what you are. Rule #2, don't be exclusive, because she sure as hell isn't. Rule #3, take anything she says about her ex with a grain of salt. Rule #4, if you find yourself more involved than she is, run like hell. Basically, hit and quit.
Keenly Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Do not attempt to contact her to find out what was wrong. Let me tell you whats going to happen. Give it a few months, their relationship will fall apart again. She WILL come crawling back without question. This is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in your life, but you need to reject her. It needs to happen for your mental health and her learning experience that you can't treat people as disposable. I hope she cries herself to sleep for months, because this is almost exactly what one of my ex's did to me.
fancy feast Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 You just blank them. Ignore her completely. This is the correct advice.
crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Well, you were the rebound guy. Sorry to say..... This is what I think as well. She broke up with her BF, met you and you two dated for a while, then her ex contacted her and she decided to get back with him. To that's exactly it...you were her rebound. Kind of a crappy thing to do to you if you ask me, and I'd be quite angry with her, and would tell her so...that her using you like this is a REALLY sh*tty thing to do to someone. I dunno if you believe in karma or whatever, but what goes around comes around, and her turn to be the one hurting will come sooner or later. You just dont go around breaking hearts on purpose and not pay for it SOMEHOW.
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