davisc123 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hi folks. Been seeing my current girlfriend for a little under a year. From the beginning she has been a bit stand off-ish, but it is now at the stage I can no longer ignore it. Big red flags I have ignored so far - she doesn't get intimate with me, rarely if ever initiates a kiss or ever compliments me beyond the very occasional 'oh that's a nice top' or something along those lines. That last one sounds daft but it starts to become noticeable after time and gnaws away. Will never be naked in front of me, or even semi-naked. I've tried my best to make her feel comfortable and haven't put any pressure on her whatsoever but she obviously has a complex and refuses to open up. I feel really alone in the relationship. I put in a lot of effort without ever smothering her, and I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't be missed if I wasn't there. I have approached her a few times about it. Recently, about a fortnight ago I told her I wasn't happy, and felt as though she was disinterested. That it was making me insecure, the fact that she is physically and emotionally cut off. Her repsonse was that she loved being with me and knew she had trouble expressing her emotions and would try. It got slightly better for a few days, but has gradually slipped into the old loop. The most frustrating thing is that she doesn't seem to notice that our relationship is seriously flawed. I am going to speak to her, but this time to break it off. I don't know what else I can do. It is starting to effect me mentally, and although I do love this girl I just can't force her to become more involved or show more of an interest. Has anybody had anything similar, or can offer any advice? I am really struggling to deal with this.
Zammo25 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Have we been dating the same Woman ? My ex was all over me like a rash for the first 3 months with undying love, sex etc. When our sex life was getting good she withdrew it and it was hard to get anymore real love or affection. We ended up doing it once every 6 weeks. I never in a year saw her naked, always lights out and we did one position only. I loved her wanted to hold her, kiss her, make love to her and the numerous times we went to bed and she just lay there even though I tried to initiate some loving got to me. I like the physical side, if you love someone, it is not the sex, I can live without that, it is the loving or love making that makes a relationship stronger and makes you closer. Her new guy maybe a stud and she maybe swinging from the lights for all I know, maybe I was crap in bed, who knows ? I doubt it. Anyway it does destroy a relationship so I am with you on this. It is IMPORTANT.
Author davisc123 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Hey man, first off thank you for the reply. I don't mean this in an unkind way (because I know exactly how horrible this is) but it is a comfort to know I'm not a unique case. I hope you are managing to move on a bit. Out of interest, was it you who ended the relationship and how did she react? I really don't know how she's going to take it. Whenever I have aired my concerns she assures me she wants to be with me. It's very confusing, her actions are usually at odds with this. You are spot on btw regarding making love. We have only done it a handful of times and in pitch darkness. I am desperate to be close with her physically, but cuddling is about the extent of it most of the time. If we kiss, it is me who initiates and it is just a peck if anything. The thing is, if she has issues she is allowing them to get in the way. But it's not just the physical and emotional thing - generally she is just quite thoughtless and puts minimal effort into the relationship. If she was on time, and arranging to meet up and be in my company more often I feel like I could approach the whole issue of physicality etc with some confidence she is into me, just struggling with it. As it stands, I am more inclined to believe that the underlying cause is not some deep seated issue. More that she just isn't into me. It's extremely difficult to take.
Zammo25 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I sent her a bottom line e mail about my feelings and I guess she used this as an excuse to end it. I did no want to end it, I just wanted to be able to love her. Anyway, it is gone now as she moved onto a new guy almost immediately. Maybe he can unlock the key and they are having wall to wall sex, I will never know. All I do know is that I should not beat myself anymore for wanting more and neither should you.
Zammo25 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I am getting my head around now and you should " she was not that into you ". That is the only explanation. Hard to take but it is what it is.
sweetkiwi Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think your exs should be dating my ex. Some people are just not emotional. You won't change her. You can try and appreciate her or you can decide if it is acceptable to you to live like that.
Zammo25 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think your exs should be dating my ex. Some people are just not emotional. You won't change her. You can try and appreciate her or you can decide if it is acceptable to you to live like that. If someone wants love, affection and love making and the other does not it is doomed. Maybe the new guy has unlocked the key. Whose's to know ?
Treasa Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Her words and her actions are telling you two different things. Pretend she's mute for a bit and pay attention to only her actions. I broke things off with my boyfriend for kind of similar reasons in some respects. He kept "assuring" me and saying he loved me, but it was all talk and nothing more. I'm so much happier without him now. I deserve so much more. 2
Sarahbee Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 She may have issues going on which make her unable to be emotional or physical with you, and if so it's unlikely that she'll be any different with anyone else. She may need counselling, but until she's ready to address her issues she won't change. It's really hard to take, but the bottom line is that if you're not getting your needs met in the relationship then you need to address that by trying to fix it or leaving it. It seems to me like you've done the former, so for your own sanity you're wise to walk away. I know it's really hard when you love them, but you have to look out for yourself and ask yourself whether the relationship is fulfilling you or draining you. A relationship that leaves you feeling bewildered and empty a lot of the time is not good for you. I left my boyfriend because he couldn't meet my needs, and while I miss him still, I know that if I'd stayed it would have chipped away at my self esteem and I'd be a mess. Sometimes you just have to walk. It's not about you, you've done all you can to make it work. You will find someone who's more compatible in time. 2
Author davisc123 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you guys. I really appreciate the responses, and I have to agree with what you are all saying. I am ill with worry. I have kept my dignity though, having learned a very harsh lesson a couple of years back at the end of a LTR. I am not going to force her to be close with me, as painful as it is I am just going to have to let her go. If i'm feeling up to it I will post on here to say how it went.
MyAngel Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 SarahBee your words mean a lot and I can fully relate. I loved my ex, perhaps too much, and yes I wasn't getting everything that I desired from her but I adored her and wanted to be with her forever. I thought I could overlook the things that I so wanted. I wish I could go back and not want more, just be satisfied with less then she would still be here.
MyAngel Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Davis, some people find it really hard to open up and bare their souls. It takes me a while myself. And I can count on one hand the amount of people I have shown my true self to. I have had a lot of heartbreak and that makes me close up even more. I can't see myself opening up again after getting my heart broken in December. That's it for me now. It sounds like you've done so much for her and your efforts haven't been able to get through to her. Does this mean you need to give up? Maybe.... I mean, you've spoken to her about it and she improved for a few days but it went back to normal. I have learned you cannot change anyone. Someone is only capable of loving you in the way that they know, not the way you'd want. Good luck. I think it will be very hard to break up given that you still love her but it will get better in time and you will hurt less.
Sarahbee Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 SarahBee your words mean a lot and I can fully relate. I loved my ex, perhaps too much, and yes I wasn't getting everything that I desired from her but I adored her and wanted to be with her forever. I thought I could overlook the things that I so wanted. I wish I could go back and not want more, just be satisfied with less then she would still be here. I feel for you MyAngel. I went through that too, trying to be happy with what he was able to give me, and it was hard because I knew his inability to give me more was due to his own pain - he basically was just too scared to trust or love after being devastated by his ex. I'll know next time to avoid people on the rebound! But I eventually realised that if I had to contort myself into accepting what he was able to give, and to justify it in my head and make excuses for his behaviour, then it was never going to work and I was just kidding myself that it would ever change. In your case, trying to be satisfied with less is not the best way to go, as you'll end up a wreck. You need what you need, and that's fair enough, and if someone can't give you what you need then trying to settle for less is too much of a compromise in most cases, unless your needs are completely unreasonable! And even if you did settle for less that's still no guarantee that she would still be there. Hold out for someone who doesn't make you feel insecure, you need to feel safe and treasured in a relationship. Davisc, be strong and let us know how it goes. You're right to hold onto your dignity, no-one can take that away unless you let them. 1
MyAngel Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Thank you so much Sarah. You have given me a lot of comfort, I am so appreciative of you taking the time to share your insight. It is just so crappy because I am sure she was my one in a million, I know I will never love another like her. But everything happens for a reason....
Author davisc123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Sarahbee, wise words indeed there, thankyou. MyAngel - I felt the same after my first love, that she was my one in a million even after the cheating and the lies that ruined our relationship (following 4 blissful years). In fact I was adamant in my own mind that she was heaven sent to me. But please do not allow yourself to believe that it's the case, because as hard as it is to believe now you will feel indifferent towards her one day, as long as you allow yourself the time to properly be apart and slowly start to reconstruct your own life. I am living proof of that. It only happened when I shut her off, which was extremely difficult but so worthwhile in the end. An update on my own situation - it is now all over. I spoke to my girlfriend and she actually agreed that it wasn't working and we seperated amicably. I now know with certainty that her behaviour was borne through a genuine lack of attraction, and although it was a relief to finish it and know where I stand, I am now in that all too familiar position of feeling rejected and low. I managed to keep my pride, and I won't be contacting her. But it isn't going to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if relationships are worth all the pain they inevitably bring.
MyAngel Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) Hey Davis. Sorry to hear about the break up but I think it was the right move. Feeling relief that it's over is a good sign and I hope your grieving will be managable. I often wonder too about love. We give so much of ourselves to te ones we love and often at the end all we have is a broken heart. If only we could know in the beginning if that person will only break us... But we might still get involved anyway as we are humans and we all have hope within us. We hope that this person will love us equally. We hope that it will all work out. It is shattering getting your hopes destroyed time and time again. And as for my ex, i loved her more than I've ever loved anyone. It's just a shame it wasnt reciprocated in the way i'd like. Such is life :/ Edited January 4, 2013 by MyAngel
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