meeji Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I was in an LDR with a guy that I met 9 months ago. The relationship lasted 6 of those months. Long story short, my ex became terrified at the thought of relocating and making the commitment. I had previously expressed that I was not interested in doing an LDR unless plans to close the gap were in the future. I said I was willing to give it a 2 year run at a distance. Upon realizing that he is afraid of this, he also realized that he is not very mature and at this point in time, he cannot handle a mature relationship as he has a lot of growing to do. I put up the offer to work things out together and he just said "I don't know what to do about anything and I'm very confused." I tried to end it once and he flipped out and asked for some time. I gave it to him but eventually, it ended with me ending it (last night). My question is about a trip that was planned that is coming up soon. He is supposed to be coming here in 18 days. He says he still wants to come and he wants to see how he feels about me when he is here. At the time, he was caught up in the honeymoon phase and he isn't sure what is real and what isn't. He thinks that being around me will make something clearer to him. I thought that letting come here would at least give us the opportunity to end things properly, if that is how its going to go but some other members in the forum have put the idea in my head that maybe I shouldn't allow that. What do you guys think? Should I let him come visit or not? I'm doubting myself and would like a second opinion.
fixing Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 hmm, i think you have to protect yourself first and foremost. I mean, if you think its prolonging the BU which you WANT, then, yes, its probably a bad idea. But otoh, if you really like him, and believe that him coming to see you could make things stronger between you both, then why not?
Author meeji Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Well, if u ask me.... i dont think his feelings for me have changed. I think he is afraid of growng up and making changes in life. He is comfortable where he is and also in our relationship to the point where this breakup should help him decide what he is honestly willing and unwilling to do for the sake of being with someone. I would want to work thng out but only if he is going to be dedicated to the cause. I am on the fence about it. Im a little tired of the limbo too. Hmm.. thanks for your comment
veggirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Don't let him come. If he does you guys will prob enter a honeymoon type phase and have a great time....then he will go home and second guess it all, again. And hurt you, again. Bad idea.
Author meeji Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Don't let him come. If he does you guys will prob enter a honeymoon type phase and have a great time....then he will go home and second guess it all, again. And hurt you, again. Bad idea. I have also considered this as a possible outcome. So in other words, you think it would be stupid of me to think that maybe something will change in my favor, huh. Thanks for the tip. You might be on to something.
geegirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Do you think 18 days is going to magically instill maturity within him and all the right skills to handle an adult relationship? Stay away from him. You both will get all giddy about those 18 days because you'll get caught up with superficial level emotions, forgetting that there are ingrained issues that won't go away overnight and will most likely resurface when he's back home.
Author meeji Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Do you think 18 days is going to magically instill maturity within him and all the right skills to handle an adult relationship? Stay away from him. You both will get all giddy about those 18 days because you'll get caught up with superficial level emotions, forgetting that there are ingrained issues that won't go away overnight and will most likely resurface when he's back home. I think you are right. I think he is a commitment phobe. After reading up on it see that our relationship has followed a similar path. I should run for the hills.
Author meeji Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 I am still struggling with this.... I think I need to sit him down and talk about why he wants to come here and what he expects to accomplish while he is here. If I feel like he is going to come here to try to work things out I can make it clear to him what my conditions are and if he can't ( not if he doesn't intend to) meet them then we need to save ourselves the fuss and just let it die. I think that is a little bit unfair for me to assume that I know exactly what he is going to do. We haven't been in this situation before so I don't know. Its a long shot but maybe all of this has made him think a little more intently about what his personal goals are, what he wants out of life, what he sees in his future. I'm starting to feel like I should let him come. Someone said to me today "At least let him come and see what he says. If you hear him out and decide that you can't for that, later on down the road you won't have any regrets about it because you tried." I feel like as long as I make guidelines for myself and I stick to them, letting him visit shouldn't be such a threat. Remember, he is coming to stay in MY house. If it gets to the point where he is no longer welcome I can always ask him to leave. still conflicted...
geegirl Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I am still struggling with this.... I think I need to sit him down and talk about why he wants to come here and what he expects to accomplish while he is here. If I feel like he is going to come here to try to work things out I can make it clear to him what my conditions are and if he can't ( not if he doesn't intend to) meet them then we need to save ourselves the fuss and just let it die. I think that is a little bit unfair for me to assume that I know exactly what he is going to do. We haven't been in this situation before so I don't know. Its a long shot but maybe all of this has made him think a little more intently about what his personal goals are, what he wants out of life, what he sees in his future. I'm starting to feel like I should let him come. Someone said to me today "At least let him come and see what he says. If you hear him out and decide that you can't for that, later on down the road you won't have any regrets about it because you tried." I feel like as long as I make guidelines for myself and I stick to them, letting him visit shouldn't be such a threat. Remember, he is coming to stay in MY house. If it gets to the point where he is no longer welcome I can always ask him to leave. still conflicted... No one can tell you what to do. You have to get through this yourself based on what you believe is right.
Author meeji Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 No one can tell you what to do. You have to get through this yourself based on what you believe is right. I know... /sigh. You're right. I just really can't decide what I think is better. One minute I feel like I should just cut everything completely off from now on and the next minute I feel like I should at least be willing to listen. Sometimes I feel like its a trap and I shouldn't allow it. Others, I feel like I am just letting my emotions get the best of me and overpowers my logic. I guess this is normal but its annoying as ****!
geegirl Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I know... /sigh. You're right. I just really can't decide what I think is better. One minute I feel like I should just cut everything completely off from now on and the next minute I feel like I should at least be willing to listen. Sometimes I feel like its a trap and I shouldn't allow it. Others, I feel like I am just letting my emotions get the best of me and overpowers my logic. I guess this is normal but its annoying as ****! He has issues. Talking about it won't change him. He is who he is. You can listen. But I would suggest keeping boundaries and having him stay at a hotel. You don't want to get too close and 1) get attached over the 18 days and have him go back and repeat his pattern 2) have him in your home and feel uncomfortable 3) be in the awkward position of having to ask him to leave if things go south. 1
Bluem Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) I highly suggest you don't see him, and if he asks why, explain that you care about him and you want there to be a future - you don't see him as a fling. I've been in this situation before and I can tell you right now, even if he does agree to commit, won't you still have doubt about you feel? I had a guy who told me he didn't want to commit, but when I axed the relationship and try to move on, he came back apologizing, saying he'd make a mistake, etc. Guess what? Two years later and we were still having the same commitment issues because he'd just find a way to say he was committed without actually investing. It ended up hurting a lot more two years later than if I had just let him go the first 7-8 months or so I was seeing him! My advice to you is: run! Right now you might be upset for a few months about what "could have been", etc or why he couldn't commit - but how are you going to feel years down the line when you realize you've invested and he has not? I ended up forcing him to break it off with me and it was really painful - someone I had been with for 3 years. I grew all kinds of anxiety from our relationship, wondering if he was really there or not. If you do decide to talk to him - do NOT have any kind of physical intimacy. This is very important to see how he reacts when he's not just getting sex, etc - see how he is when it's just about the relationship! You'll see his true side come out, I promise. I know you might not be able to resist just talking to him, etc but whatever you do - do not let him use you. If you see he reacts negatively, isn't fully committed, drop him and move on. Trust me, it'll hurt a lot more the more invested you get in him. If you realize he's not committing, just drop him because he's simply not ready. Edited January 3, 2013 by Bluem 1
Author meeji Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 I think that if he tries to win me over, one of the conditions is that I see some action taking place before I agree to date again. I am not going to just believe what he says to me and I don't plan on immediately taking him back either. I would wait a while and watch him to see what he does. I guess I would be giving one last chance to prove to me that he has these problems but that he is willing to DO something about them and not just swim in it and drag me behind him. BLUEM,As far as the hotel, I think that is a good idea from the start. I have a spare bedroom that I was going to let him sleep in but maybe he will be much more cozy sleeping in an empty hotel room. About the sex, that is not a problem. Knowing what I know about him now, I am not interested in being physical with someone who won't commit to me. I realized A: this can be a distraction from the problems at hand and B: it could cause one or both of us to be even more confused about our feelings about the other. Not on my agenda. Geegirl, you are also right about that. My goal is not to change him. Only he can change himself. If he wants something with me for real, he needs to know that this cannot happen in his current state and that I am not willing to settle. I guess I thought if were together in real life, he would be able to see what he is letting go of and maybe that would kick start him to make moves on his own accord. I appreciate you guys commenting. I'm sure this story has been posted many time. girl is confused bout ex and ping pongs back and forth.
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