What men say they want vs. what they really want...

[PhoenixRysing]

I have struggled with how to write this without it coming across as arrogant or trollish. I've not figured out how to do it so I ask that you please forgive any leans toward that in my language.

 

I understand from talking to all of the males in my life and reading for years here on LS that men want:

 

1. Someone who doesn't play games, who is good to them, and loves them as they are.

2. Someone beautiful and sexy who thoroughly enjoys and is excited about sex.

3. Someone who won't cheat or lie or try to change them.

4. Someone who is strong and independent (not clingy or desperate) but knows how to love openly.

5. Someone who has her own life, makes her own money, and is not a gold digger.

6. Someone who can cook, clean, make a home, but isn't stuck in that role.

7. Someone adventurous and ready to take chances.

 

Basically someone just like me. But instead of falling madly in love with me, every man I have dated tells me the same thing plus or minus:

 

"You are beautiful, kind, amazing, sexy, intelligent, wonderful, insert something else really awesome here, but I just don't see a future for us."

 

Usually they follow that up with something about how they aren't good enough for me, I deserve someone better, I would just leave them for something better....etc. Then they go on to chase after women who abuse them, lie to them, already have a husband, and generally treat them like trash.

 

So really, what gives? I am at a loss here. I have dated different kinds of men from different walks of life and the literally all say the same thing. Most of them eventually come back and tell me what a mistake they made in leaving me and then go on to tell me what a great woman I am and how they wish they had valued me when they had the chance. While that is nice to hear, I wonder where all the men are that actually can appreciate me when I am with them?

 

If you really want a great woman, why run when she is right there trying to love you? And as a woman, if you really are all the things a man wants, shouldn't your options reflect that? In my life I have found that the opposite is true. Men don't even ask me out. All of my relationships have stemmed from friendships where I finally asked the man out. Without fail, only then have they admitted to harboring feelings (sometimes for years) but never acting because they assumed I would not be interested...that I was "too perfect."

 

I am trying desperately here to state this as fact and not as my own opinion of what I bring to the table. I am not conceited, quite the opposite, and I recognize my own flaws, quirks, and room to grow. But based on the words of the men in my life, I am the best thing since sliced bread. They just can't be with me or take a chance on me.

 

I am genuinely confused. I am by all accounts "awesome" and I can't get a date or keep a man around. So I guess I am looking for answers and I really do want to understand what I am doing wrong.

[Maneater]

If I take your post for verbatim as you tell it. Then you're having the same issue as me. Men these days feel insecure when a woman seems to have it all and they then decide to date a female uglier and less intelligent so it builds their ego.

 

Ive seen it happen a million times. I don't know what the answer is as I am in the same predicament. I'd like to think that I'll just finally find a sane man.

[turt]

You're probably just finding men that have no intentions of forming a long term relationship. It seems the majority of people are like that. The same thing happens to men too.

[Radu]

If that description of you is accurate, they literally don't think they are at your level.

So they instinctively look for someone at their level, or below them.

[Weezy1973]

Some men also like laid back and easy going. If a woman is intent on being "perfect", this can cause stress in a relationship. Flaws, imperfections, and vulnerabilities are what make us human and lead us to connect more deeply with other humans. Perfectionism is a struggle that many women deal with. Step one: stop caring what men want.

[soccerrprp]

I have struggled with how to write this without it coming across as arrogant or trollish. I've not figured out how to do it so I ask that you please forgive any leans toward that in my language.

 

I understand from talking to all of the males in my life and reading for years here on LS that men want:

 

1. Someone who doesn't play games, who is good to them, and loves them as they are.

2. Someone beautiful and sexy who thoroughly enjoys and is excited about sex.

3. Someone who won't cheat or lie or try to change them.

4. Someone who is strong and independent (not clingy or desperate) but knows how to love openly.

5. Someone who has her own life, makes her own money, and is not a gold digger.

6. Someone who can cook, clean, make a home, but isn't stuck in that role.

7. Someone adventurous and ready to take chances.

 

Basically someone just like me. But instead of falling madly in love with me, every man I have dated tells me the same thing plus or minus:

 

"You are beautiful, kind, amazing, sexy, intelligent, wonderful, insert something else really awesome here, but I just don't see a future for us."

 

Usually they follow that up with something about how they aren't good enough for me, I deserve someone better, I would just leave them for something better....etc. Then they go on to chase after women who abuse them, lie to them, already have a husband, and generally treat them like trash.

 

So really, what gives? I am at a loss here. I have dated different kinds of men from different walks of life and the literally all say the same thing. Most of them eventually come back and tell me what a mistake they made in leaving me and then go on to tell me what a great woman I am and how they wish they had valued me when they had the chance. While that is nice to hear, I wonder where all the men are that actually can appreciate me when I am with them?

 

If you really want a great woman, why run when she is right there trying to love you? And as a woman, if you really are all the things a man wants, shouldn't your options reflect that? In my life I have found that the opposite is true. Men don't even ask me out. All of my relationships have stemmed from friendships where I finally asked the man out. Without fail, only then have they admitted to harboring feelings (sometimes for years) but never acting because they assumed I would not be interested...that I was "too perfect."

 

I am trying desperately here to state this as fact and not as my own opinion of what I bring to the table. I am not conceited, quite the opposite, and I recognize my own flaws, quirks, and room to grow. But based on the words of the men in my life, I am the best thing since sliced bread. They just can't be with me or take a chance on me.

 

I am genuinely confused. I am by all accounts "awesome" and I can't get a date or keep a man around. So I guess I am looking for answers and I really do want to understand what I am doing wrong.

 

Sounds like what women want in men! I'm looking for someone exactly like you!

 

Seriously, though. The intangibles are what matter most after the initial honey-moon phase. You may have all of those qualities, but you have little or no control over what the other person is thinking and feeling at any moment.

 

We've all had similar thoughts. It's not anything that anyone can put his/her finger on. Relationships are far more complex than simple checklists of preferences.

[DC4]

Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean they would be an ideal fit. Ever been in a position to hire someone? Happens ALL THE TIME.

[PinkSapphire]

We women all know that men like us better when we don't want them and treat them as such, or just basically ignore and be mean to them hoping it will drive them away. Instead, it makes them cling harder and want you more.

 

This is my experience, I'm sure you all have experienced the same, and it goes directly against your post.

 

One explanation? Men don't actually know what they want. A girl as awesome as you (and me when I actually want a man) is kinda boring. There is no drama there, and men actually do like drama (IME a lot more than the women in my life). The slightly crazy, demanding, exciting girl is just more alluring.

 

A possible explanation: maybe ther eis something about you that you just don't see. You say that you are aware of your flaws; I am aware I have flaws, too, and i know that they can be deal-breakers. Are you flaky? Moody? Socially awkward? Need too much attention than one guy can give (I suspect this is true for me, so please don't be offended at the question)? Something else you just can't see because you aren't aware of it? That would explain ALL the men in your life giving these nice compliments and NEVER saying anything constructive. My guy friends and even guys I am dating, generally are able to tell me like it is, knowing I can handle it. THey aren't afraid (after the first time; they are always scared the first time) to tell me a negative because they know I will take it like it is meant and not hold it against them or go off the deep end. Perhaps the fact that you have never heard a negative comment from the men in your life is the signal that you give off an unstable vibe that is not the alluring kind of crazy, but the scary kind.

 

And then another explanation is that these men are just too young and not ready to settle down, thus they cannot date a girl who is actually that awesome and wife material. This happens; if they fear they will love you too deeply it could scare them. Are these men in their early-mid 20s? That is a likely explanation. Give it a few years or date men closer to/in early 30s and this issue should disappear.

 

Hope this helps!

[edgygirl]

I have the same problem. You're probably dating commitmentphobes. Try to screen them early on so you don't waste your time.

 

They are not necessarily mean as the bad boys, so when they realize you want something more, they let you go.

 

How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Edited January 2, 2013 by edgygirl

[Gottabestrong]

Girl, I am in the same boat. I can't count the many times a guy that I was dating told me I was perfect, the woman of his dreams, amazing, etc. but then still dumped me after a few weeks/months/years to go back to his cheating ex, dating someone who has no job, no education, is overweight, alcoholic, etc.

 

I HATE it! What the hell am I supposed to do? Pretend I don't have a great job, half a brain, a decent body, etc? Seriously 80% of all my relationships start with the guy falling head over heels in love with me and telling me that I am the woman he has been waiting his whole life for. The moment they say that I want to scream because I already know how it is going to end. I try to remind them that I am just a normal human being with flaws like everybody else but it's like they get blinded by external things.

 

Worst of all, they usually don't go away and leave me alone, but keep hanging around trying to be friends. And they really mean it. I mean, they have new girlfriends, are happily married, have families, etc. but still want to stay in touch with me and know all about my life. I am still in touch with most of my exes, but only because I got tired of ignoring them after a few years and started replying to their birthday and holiday wishes, etc.

 

If I am that great and wonderful, why can't they just stay with me and give me the love they think I deserve? Just happened again 6 weeks ago with my most recent ex who tells me that I am perfect and he still loves me very much, but that he can't give me what I deserve and we therefore should not be together. Men!!!

 

Sorry, did not mean to high-jack your thread. Just needed to vent, I guess.

[Eddie Edirol]

You could be dating commitmentphobes, but IMO I think you are dating guys who were in relationships with women who they thought were out of their leagues, the relationship deteriorated and they dont know why. They wonder why a beautiful women would date them, or if they are dating them as a last resort. So if they have no clue as to why these women left them, all they can do avoid getting hurt, and thats where you stand. You are dating guys who dont understand alot about dating women. When they dont know whats going on, they cant stay confident about why you like them. So if you start dating a guy, his insecurity is obvious, and he says "why is a beautiful woman like you interested in me?" and you cant answer it in a way that he understands, then you will run into this situation again and again.

 

Its not your fault, some guys get jealous that other guys look at you, some guys dont like their women to be too friendly because they arent secure. Guys dont get a manual on how to keep women attracted to them, or how to approach women and get them to like you, or how women psychology works in general. They just get lucky and learn by trial and error. Many psychological things that happen with women you might never learn if you dont look it up. So you get guys that run around blind, and do what they must to protect themselves. Granted, if a guy is that insecure, he shouldnt date you in the first place.

 

And of course. like the other poster said, its could possibly be something youre doing that raises a red flag with these guys that you dont realize.

[Woggle]

Beats me. When I found a woman like that who wanted me as well I jumped at the chance. For some reason people these days seem to think what you offer is boring and they think drama is interesting because it creates passion. It happens in both genders. Don't know what the hell some of these people are thinking.

[Els]

My question for you is: What do you want in a man? Describe the men you've been with recently who told you that. How did the relationship progress in those cases?

[DC4]

You could be dating commitmentphobes, but IMO I think you are dating guys who were in relationships with women who they thought were out of their leagues, the relationship deteriorated and they dont know why. They wonder why a beautiful women would date them, or if they are dating them as a last resort. So if they have no clue as to why these women left them, all they can do avoid getting hurt, and thats where you stand. You are dating guys who dont understand alot about dating women. When they dont know whats going on, they cant stay confident about why you like them. So if you start dating a guy, his insecurity is obvious, and he says "why is a beautiful woman like you interested in me?" and you cant answer it in a way that he understands, then you will run into this situation again and again.

 

Ok-hold the phone. I need more information on this as I am running into this situation. I am dating someone that I like a lot. A LOT a lot. The issue is that he says things like this to me quite often. He is constantly questioning what I see in him. He says things that are not meant to be hurtful but really hurt me a lot, like I do wonders for his ego and how he likes being the guy with the hot girl on his arm.*

 

This all makes me feel that once the novelty of dating someone who he perceives is out of his league wears off that we'll be done. I feel like I'm some sort of dating training wheels, like sooner or later he'll be all "well that wasn't so hard" and *poof*, the attraction to me is over.

 

 

*I have no idea why he thinks this btw. I am not unattractive by any means, but yikes, this level of adoration confuses me. I wish he could see in himself what I see. I tell him specifically what makes him special but I'm not sure he even hears it.

[Imajerk17]

I feel bad reading threads like these. But then I wonder what kind of guys these girls themselves are dating, AND the kind of guys these girls are passing up. Are you "together" gals looking for "project" guys?

 

That said, we do want a woman who is a little bit of a challenge. If it is too easy to get you into a relationship, we feel claustrophobic. Even if the whole thing was our idea. How do you screen the guys you are dating? What are your standards?

[newmoon]

i consider myself a great catch, and have never had an issue getting a man, but keeping one is different because... imo, they actually don't want all those things we are lead to believe (even though they say it). in my situation the guys have always said they wanted someone more 'submissive' 'less argumentative' 'more easy-going' etc. i have watched some of them move on to very unattractive uneducated women. why? my opinion is that men truly do want to be MEN - they want to boss someone around a bit, have someone care for them 24/7 and make them #1 all the time, etc. and most 'modern' American women won't do that and don't have to. so, you might be coming across men who just cannot handle that you have your life/stuff together; most men imo want to 'save' a woman and be that knight - how can they fulfill that role when we already offer too mucha nd can handle ourselves? so, they move on to someone more needy

[Gottabestrong]

so, you might be coming across men who just cannot handle that you have your life/stuff together; most men imo want to 'save' a woman and be that knight - how can they fulfill that role when we already offer too much and can handle ourselves? so, they move on to someone more needy

 

Gosh, this is depressing. But makes a lot of sense.

[DC4]

I don't know about that, dudes really hate needy. I have kept my meathooks in many a man because I am totally self sufficient (except for the multiple texts I was yapping about in another thread)

[Eddie Edirol]

Ok-hold the phone. I need more information on this as I am running into this situation. I am dating someone that I like a lot. A LOT a lot. The issue is that he says things like this to me quite often. He is constantly questioning what I see in him. He says things that are not meant to be hurtful but really hurt me a lot, like I do wonders for his ego and how he likes being the guy with the hot girl on his arm.*

 

This all makes me feel that once the novelty of dating someone who he perceives is out of his league wears off that we'll be done. I feel like I'm some sort of dating training wheels, like sooner or later he'll be all "well that wasn't so hard" and *poof*, the attraction to me is over.

 

 

*I have no idea why he thinks this btw. I am not unattractive by any means, but yikes, this level of adoration confuses me. I wish he could see in himself what I see. I tell him specifically what makes him special but I'm not sure he even hears it.

 

Yeah he thinks he got the luck of lightning with you. I dont think you have to worry about him going for bigger fish, but what you have to worry about is losing your attraction to him if he cant get past his insecurity. It will get tired, but he might get used to it after a while. But if he doesnt believe that he is attractive enough for you, he will never hear you. If he doesnt know what he did to attract you with his personality, he will never hear you when you tell him what those things are.

 

Also remember, there are alot of beautiful women that date not so attractive guys because they attractive ones do them dirty. So its easy for a guy to think that he was a last resort due to lack of choices. A woman would never tell a guy that she would rather take the attractive guy, so a guy like him would never get the truth. Its not often an average guy will land a beautiful woman with 100% pure motives. Thats why guys are suspicious.

 

So if he cant figure out that your motives are 100%, then thats all on him, theres nothing you can do other than ride it out and see if he can eventually realize it.

[DC4]

Yeah he thinks he got the luck of lightning with you. I dont think you have to worry about him going for bigger fish, but what you have to worry about is losing your attraction to him if he cant get past his insecurity. It will get tired, but he might get used to it after a while. But if he doesnt believe that he is attractive enough for you, he will never hear you. If he doesnt know what he did to attract you with his personality, he will never hear you when you tell him what those things are.

 

Also remember, there are alot of beautiful women that date not so attractive guys because they attractive ones do them dirty. So its easy for a guy to think that he was a last resort due to lack of choices. A woman would never tell a guy that she would rather take the attractive guy, so a guy like him would never get the truth. Its not often an average guy will land a beautiful woman with 100% pure motives. Thats why guys are suspicious.

 

So if he cant figure out that your motives are 100%, then thats all on him, theres nothing you can do other than ride it out and see if he can eventually realize it.

 

The ironic thing is HE is the catch. Very smart guy, really fun and funny, prestigious job-really has his act together. I feel like a train wreck next to him. I may be considered the more attractive between us but overall, I am the lucky one that he gives ME the time of day!

 

Thank you for your input. This has been really bothering me as of late because like I said, I very much like this man and don't want the whole thing to blow up in my face before we ever even got off the ground.

[Lonely Ronin]

i consider myself a great catch, and have never had an issue getting a man, but keeping one is different because... imo, they actually don't want all those things we are lead to believe (even though they say it).

 

Well this guy does, and guess what women like the op are damn hard to find.

 

 

I have been told by friends and women I've dated that I'm the male equivalent to the op, and I have had similar troubles.

[NoMoreJerks]

If I take your post for verbatim as you tell it. Then you're having the same issue as me. Men these days feel insecure when a woman seems to have it all and they then decide to date a female uglier and less intelligent so it builds their ego.

Explains why my ex only ever dated women much older than him (he's 40 and used to date a 55 year old woman when he was 35), one of whom was OBESE.

[PhoenixRysing]

Wow, excellent feedback everyone. Thank you so much for throwing in your ideas.

 

I won't multiquote as that would get really long but I will do my best to address the ideas presented.

 

To the women who have chimed in feeling my pain, thank you for that. It is great to feel like I am not alone or unique in my frustration. It is good to have my experience validated after reading so many threads where folks assume dating is so much easier when you "are attractive, female, or well off."

 

As for the question about the type of men I have dated, I try to be very open with giving guys a chance. They literally have very little in common except extreme intelligence and quick wit. I have dated most races, varying socio-economic statuses, and men at various stages of their lives and careers. I am 35 and the men have been 27 - 52. I face the same issue regardless.

 

Those who suggest insecurities are at least partially correct. If they are gorgeous and not well-off, they stress about not being able to "provide" for me, if they are intelligent and not gorgeous, they stress that I am too attractive to be interested in them. If they are attractive and well-off, they might question their ability to keep up with me in intelligence. My girlfriends suggested that I simply need a man who is gorgeous, intelligent, and well-off and to stop dating men who are not all three. Right - I just happen to be fresh out of those, but I would certainly take one if anyone has one in their back pocket!

 

The idea that perfect is too hard to maintain is a good one, but that's just the thing. I don't think I am perfect, not by a long shot. I am quirky, odd, and sometimes downright strange. I have my own issues just like all of us do and I am fine with that. I like to think that I am just looking for a man who is cool with my special kind of crazy.

 

As for why I am not getting negative feedback, I actually do. It's just always retracted. I don't respond like a lunatic, I take it in stride and work to improve myself. This is true for me whether we are talking life, career, or love. Later they come back and say that even the negatives weren't bad and tend to tell me they were just looking for excuses to try to get me to argue with them.

 

I have definitely had the "But why are you interested in me?" conversation and I continue to fail at convincing the other half. Men do seem to want someone they can save and I don't need it. I do however adore men who bring fun, excitement, intelligent conversation, and calm into my world. I am usually quite open with my compliments but they typically revolve around a man's character and my enjoyment of it rather than anything tangible he brings. They all seem to struggle with this. I don't technically need a man in the ways men have been taught to be needed, but I do need love, companionship, sexual satisfaction, and friendship. It seems that the men I have dated can't wrap their brains around a woman wanting them JUST for them.

[Woggle]

The one thing that many of these men might be thinking and I am ashamed to say I have felt it at times is if you have all these things what do you need a man for. The I don't need a man mentality you sometimes hear expressed has given men a complex about what they can offer a woman.

[Els]

Ah, okay. I assume you live in a city in the USA?

 

The men I know actually do generally want to be needed by a woman, and to be able to take care of her in some way. I don't think it's insecurity so much as, well, the traditional male instinct of wanting to be able to provide tangible care and protection to a woman. That arouses feelings of love and warmth towards her, feelings of masculinity, and confidence. Of course, there's a balance to be struck here, as most of them certainly wouldn't sign up to be with a woman who expected him to do everything for her, but they do seem to want to be just a little more on the other side.

 

But that is just my culture, and I would assume that the USA is different. Perhaps not? Do you allow them to do anything at all for you? For instance, even if you make more, if they insist on treating you to a date, do you let them? Do you let them drive if they want to, even if your car is better? Do you let them do anything nice for you, tangible things, if they offer?