She's married. But i can't seem to just accept it?!

January 2, 2013

Hi everyone

So...heres my problem, and ill start from the top! ive been part of an amateur theatre group for just over a year now, within the last few months or so me and this girl from the group have become extremely good friends. we get along amazingly well and have such a laugh.

Couple of months ago we started giving each other lifts to and from rehearsals and social events in the group as we live so close...it made sense.

Over this time i found myself seeing her as more than a friend, she ticked every box and we just hit it off, but when i started to feel this, she was due to get married not long after!

So of course i let it be out of respect to her and her partner, im not out to ruin anybodies relationship!

I had just started getting used to the fact that she was 'off-limits' when the most unhelpful thing happened.

We were attending the Christmas party for the group together, which then led to an after party at a members house, everybody was very drunk and slowly more and more people left to go home. we however could not leave until the morning due to needing to catch the first train on that line in the morning.

Now dont panic...no cheating involved...we were sitting chatting until the early hours of the morning which isnt odd for us, when she then confessed to me that she had liked me a lot for a while even before she got married but never said anything out of fear for her marriage due to confusion and also the fact she thought i saw her as just a friend. Since this we have been chatting non stop! In a different manner too!

She claims to like me so much and says its not just a fling or a phase its more than that, that i could be her 'soulmate' and this has never happened to her before. Liking me even caused her doubts before she got married but she just put it down to cold feet. We have met a few times now in secret to talk about it and for the fact we can't stand not seeing eachother, but neither of us really know what to do. We have both pretty much agreed that eventually this will come down to either we call it quits and keep it friendly and forget about it if possible, or of course the less easy route of her husband getting hurt...which again has never been my intention.

and to add, she speaks quite negatively of her marriage and that she thinks she kinda got caught up in the excitement of it all and rushed in to it, when deep down she probably knew it wasn't right and may love him but not be 'in love' with him.

So i guess im just after people's opinions on if they think maybe i should just back off? or if maybe theres even a hint of a chance at something else.

Any responses hugely appreciated! Thanks

January 2, 2013

Hi everyone

So...heres my problem, and ill start from the top! ive been part of an amateur theatre group for just over a year now, within the last few months or so me and this girl from the group have become extremely good friends. we get along amazingly well and have such a laugh.

Couple of months ago we started giving each other lifts to and from rehearsals and social events in the group as we live so close...it made sense.
Over this time i found myself seeing her as more than a friend, she ticked every box and we just hit it off, but when i started to feel this, she was due to get married not long after!
So of course i let it be out of respect to her and her partner, im not out to ruin anybodies relationship!
I had just started getting used to the fact that she was 'off-limits' when the most unhelpful thing happened.

We were attending the Christmas party for the group together, which then led to an after party at a members house, everybody was very drunk and slowly more and more people left to go home. we however could not leave until the morning due to needing to catch the first train on that line in the morning.
Now dont panic...no cheating involved...we were sitting chatting until the early hours of the morning which isnt odd for us, when she then confessed to me that she had liked me a lot for a while even before she got married but never said anything out of fear for her marriage due to confusion and also the fact she thought i saw her as just a friend. Since this we have been chatting non stop! In a different manner too!

She claims to like me so much and says its not just a fling or a phase its more than that, that i could be her 'soulmate' and this has never happened to her before. Liking me even caused her doubts before she got married but she just put it down to cold feet. We have met a few times now in secret to talk about it and for the fact we can't stand not seeing eachother, but neither of us really know what to do. We have both pretty much agreed that eventually this will come down to either we call it quits and keep it friendly and forget about it if possible, or of course the less easy route of her husband getting hurt...which again has never been my intention.

and to add, she speaks quite negatively of her marriage and that she thinks she kinda got caught up in the excitement of it all and rushed in to it, when deep down she probably knew it wasn't right and may love him but not be 'in love' with him.

So i guess im just after people's opinions on if they think maybe i should just back off? or if maybe theres even a hint of a chance at something else.

Any responses hugely appreciated! Thanks

If she's in the "wrong M" then she needs to get out. Nothing is stopping her from a D or possibly even an annulment.

Tell her to file for D (or an annulment) and after that maybe you two can have a go at it.

January 2, 2013

You guys hang out all the time and she is unavailable because she is married. This is a great recipe for LOVE.

The website you gave was pretty interesting at the least, so thanks lol.

But the being unavailable because she is married being a great recipe for love, please elaborate? as i kinda see that as more of an obstacle

January 2, 2013

unless you are referring to that article saying that by using those techniques i can take full advantage of time spent together?

January 2, 2013

The website you gave was pretty interesting at the least, so thanks lol.

But the being unavailable because she is married being a great recipe for love, please elaborate? as i kinda see that as more of an obstacle

It heightens the excitement of the time you spend together. It holds false intimacy because you have to "fight" to be together, against society , against her terrible spouse... You'll be like Romeo and Juliet. Except not.

( and actually ? R and J is terrible overwrought story, too. LOL )

January 2, 2013

OhDear, what Pierre is trying to say is that anyone can experience this feeling of love if given the right circumstances and engaging in certain behaviors that are designed to draw people together.

He's saying your story is NOT unique - and he's right, it's not.

Part of the dynamic that draws you together is the knowledge that you can't have what you want.

Be realistic. It's REAL easy to tell someone "you could be my soulmate!" when they don't have to put their damned money where their mouth is. Words are cheap and the simple truth is, she has no CLUE whether you could be her soulmate. All you two have is a good friendship, and now, these stolen moments that cause all those feel-good chemicals to be released from the brain, making you both feel giddy and as though you're in love.

The reality is that NO relationship is perfect like you two keep deluding yourselves into believing would happen if ONLY she were free. Real life has a way of interfering with fairytales and you two are NO different than all the others before you who also thought their 'great love' transcended everyone else's.

Pierre is simply telling you that given the right set of circumstances, pretty much ANYONE can be led to believe they're in love.

Thanks for the explanation firstly. i see exactly where u are coming from and it does make sense, i guess the only way it could possibly become something in the future is if she was divorced first, and it was approached as a new thing...not as a 'she left him for me' sort of thing, would you agree?

I do wonder, has anybody heard of or seen a case where an MW/MM has left their spouse for an OW/OM and it actually worked? or is that pretty much non-existant

January 2, 2013

Thanks for the explanation firstly. i see exactly where u are coming from and it does make sense, i guess the only way it could possibly become something in the future is if she was divorced first, and it was approached as a new thing...not as a 'she left him for me' sort of thing, would you agree?

I do wonder, has anybody heard of or seen a case where an MW/MM has left their spouse for an OW/OM and it actually worked? or is that pretty much non-existant

I would say it does happen. If you are looking for 100% certainty either way...you will need a crystal ball and instructions.

January 2, 2013

I would say it does happen. If you are looking for 100% certainty either way...you will need a crystal ball and instructions.

haha! nicely put! of course every case is a different one and it would be very hard for all involved to truly know what was real and what was trickery of the brain/heart. Just sucks to be in the situation at all i guess!

January 2, 2013

haha! nicely put! of course every case is a different one and it would be very hard for all involved to truly know what was real and what was trickery of the brain/heart. Just sucks to be in the situation at all i guess!

Choices...they mean everything.

January 2, 2013

Choices...they mean everything.

And not knowing which choice holds the happier ending, is what leaves us all a little bit lost huh!

January 2, 2013

This is on her. If she really does love you, she needs to prove it by leaving her husband.

If she doesn't, it's just lip service.

There's not much you can do here. Well, except to keep your own integrity. Yes, you should back off and let her decide what she wants to do. If you are there for her, she doesn't have to make a decision.

January 2, 2013

We always want what we cannot have.

If you have a GF fully available to you 24/7 with no hurdles to jump and nothing to conquer you become complacent.

If the woman you like or love is not available 24/7 and she is married (HUGE HURDLE) your brain chemicals that trigger the sensation of love will be sky high. This high generally brings the famous "soul mate" quotes which everyone in this forum knows means nothing. It is just the hyperbole of feeling like a teen again because of the high you get the change in brain chemistry.

The other famous quote you mention is the AP's phrase. "I love him, but I am not in love with him".:laugh: That is a universal phrase that men and women that cheat use to give themselves permission to cheat.

But the words have some truth. She is simply comparing the rush and novelty of the "unavailable" with the OLD and reliable at home. Imagine having a Rolls Royce that you have driven all your life and now you are curious to drive a Mini Cooper. It really means I love the novelty of the NEW.

But, ;ets assume she is truly in love with you and does not love her husband. NO PROBLEM!!!!! She just got married and she can easily get a divorce because there are no children, property, retirement accounts, mortgages, etc.

I suggest you ask her to leave her husband. If the two of you are truly soul mates she will leave the marriage to be with you.

Firstly, i completely understand the part about wanting what you can't have therefore causing trickery of your emotions/thoughts, it does make a lot of sense. But i guess its that state of denial you find yourself in because you want to believe that it is all completely real, and there's not a huge hope of truly knowing without finding out the hard way.

Secondly, you may not be implying this anyway, but thus far there has been no 'cheating' but i guess it depends on your definition of the word.

Thirdly, unfortunately there is a property and a mortgage involved too

January 2, 2013

If you are there for her, she doesn't have to make a decision.

In other words by being there for her, this could falsify her decision? or have i mis-read what you're saying?

January 3, 2013

And not knowing which choice holds the happier ending, is what leaves us all a little bit lost huh!

I am one of those odd people who does not believe true happiness comes at another's expense. Someone else may be better able to answer the lost part.

January 3, 2013

In other words by being there for her, this could falsify her decision? or have i mis-read what you're saying?

No, by being there, you are putting off her decision. She doesn't have to choose if she has both of you. If you tell her that you are distancing yourself while she figures out what is happening with her marriage, she is put into a position where she has to choose.

January 3, 2013

Firstly, i completely understand the part about wanting what you can't have therefore causing trickery of your emotions/thoughts, it does make a lot of sense. But i guess its that state of denial you find yourself in because you want to believe that it is all completely real, and there's not a huge hope of truly knowing without finding out the hard way.

Secondly, you may not be implying this anyway, but thus far there has been no 'cheating' but i guess it depends on your definition of the word.

Thirdly, unfortunately there is a property and a mortgage involved too

Didn't take her long to get M and get that mortgage - and all with a guy she never should have M in the first place and doesn't love.

I wonder what her excuse for getting pregnant will be?

January 3, 2013

Didn't take her long to get M and get that mortgage - and all with a guy she never should have M in the first place and doesn't love.

I wonder what her excuse for getting pregnant will be?

She has been with him for 5 years... and the mortgage came first, so i don't see what timeline you're basing that on.

That comment is not meant in a rude way by the way

January 3, 2013

but thus far there has been no 'cheating' but i guess it depends on your definition of the word.

Any kisses, touches or inappropriate conversations (meaning expressing feelings to one another? ) if yes, then IT IS cheating on her behalf. I'm sure her husband would not approve of this friendship with you at all.

January 3, 2013

She's definitely married.

She's married with mortgage, property and husband.

So I think she is putting too much pressure on you to make the decisions.

You can lovingly support her with her choice (and she may go back and forth until she knows for good).

Life is confusing, but having a good friend at your side is invaluable.

January 3, 2013

Ohdear, if I read this right, you have been good friends for a couple of months and during a Christmas party you both talked more and in a different way and now she is questioning her marriage. This is a very short time frame, it also appears she is only a few months, at most into her marriage.

If I have indeed read this right, a lot has happened in this very short time and you are 'soulmates'. Of course it is possible for her to have made a mistake getting married and of course it is possible that she has found, in you, someone she believes could make her happier. It is just rather odd that this has happened in what seems to be less than a month. I would wonder at that and wonder how she could have gone through a marriage, with all the excitement and promise that it holds only to be getting cold feet a few weeks into it. If it were me, I would not only have to accept she was not only married, but, very newly married, also at the seemingly fickle nature she appears to have. I would also be looking to protect myself from falling too quickly and too deep.

What is it you want or expect? Why did she go ahead with a wedding and so soon afterwards discover it was the wrong thing to do?

January 3, 2013

She has been with him for 5 years... and the mortgage came first, so i don't see what timeline you're basing that on.

Yeah, guess what assumption made out of me.

What is interesting, because for a guy she talks so down about she had no problem buying a property, a home I presume, with him. THEN getting M.

Also lost is the fact that she values this house more than you - as its an obstacle to her leaving.

That comment is not meant in a rude way by the way

Ok, a bit snarky but you wouldn't be the first "solemate" to learn of a baby coming from the horrible, no good very bad spouse - nor the last (should that come to pass).

Also lost...she is, I presume, putting up obstacles to leaving? House for one...

January 3, 2013

Any kisses, touches or inappropriate conversations (meaning expressing feelings to one another? ) if yes, then IT IS cheating on her behalf. I'm sure her husband would not approve of this friendship with you at all.

Yeah point taken

January 3, 2013

Ohdear, if I read this right, you have been good friends for a couple of months and during a Christmas party you both talked more and in a different way and now she is questioning her marriage. This is a very short time frame, it also appears she is only a few months, at most into her marriage.

If I have indeed read this right, a lot has happened in this very short time and you are 'soulmates'. Of course it is possible for her to have made a mistake getting married and of course it is possible that she has found, in you, someone she believes could make her happier. It is just rather odd that this has happened in what seems to be less than a month. I would wonder at that and wonder how she could have gone through a marriage, with all the excitement and promise that it holds only to be getting cold feet a few weeks into it. If it were me, I would not only have to accept she was not only married, but, very newly married, also at the seemingly fickle nature she appears to have. I would also be looking to protect myself from falling too quickly and too deep.

What is it you want or expect? Why did she go ahead with a wedding and so soon afterwards discover it was the wrong thing to do?

well, friends for about a year now, but yes the whole 'situation' has all happened in quite a small timeframe. And i dont really 'expect' anything, what i would want is probably just something of wishful thinking...which is why i came to seek advice. A lot of posts do come across in a way as if i'm telling everybody that mine is a unique case, in which i am not, more a case of i've never been in a situation like this before and found myself a little bit lost in what the right way to go about it was

January 3, 2013

Same old, same old. Cheating MOM or MOWs always have an excuse for not leaving the mariage: Mortgage, the dog, the cat, kid is not 30 yet, have to wait for the winter to end, I am changing jobs, spouse is sick, etc. The list is endless.

She is simply a woman that has been with a guy for five years. Generally speaking after five years the butterflies are not as intense as in the beginning of the relationship. She simply wants the butterflies back and you do a great job. She is a needy woman and a cheater. In the meantime she can keep her marriage and mortgage while you supply the butterflies. It is called cake eating.

I take on board what you say about the definition of 'cheating'.

However i was only stating that there was also a mortgage involved as someone mentioned it, there has not yet been any sort of 'i want to leave him for you but i have this or i can't because of that'

And could you call it cake eating as early as this? or more a matter of confusion? I mean you have approached this in two different ways now pierre, first you said its more of a human nature thing that these feelings could all be a bit false due to certain chemicals in the brain and so on to no fault of our own..

And now you're actually saying she's just cake eating aka she could be stringing me along knowing exactly why/what she is doing...

January 3, 2013

Yeah, guess what assumption made out of me.

What is interesting, because for a guy she talks so down about she had no problem buying a property, a home I presume, with him. THEN getting M.

Also lost is the fact that she values this house more than you - as its an obstacle to her leaving.

Ok, a bit snarky but you wouldn't be the first "solemate" to learn of a baby coming from the horrible, no good very bad spouse - nor the last (should that come to pass).

Also lost...she is, I presume, putting up obstacles to leaving? House for one...

She is not in an abusive marriage although i get the idea that this is quite common with MW/MM who seek attention from OW/OM, but this is not the case, if anything (by the way she talks of him) its more a case of he was the 'safe' option, so maybe not the man she wanted deep down to spend the rest of her life with but more the security of it all.

And there has not been any kind of obstacles as to why she can't leave her husband, i was merely stating facts that if she were to leave then these were the points that made things a little bit messier

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She's married. But i can't seem to just accept it?!

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