diasterous skype w ex, angry and hurt

[my body is a cage]

ex and i have been in low contact since we broke up. it is unclear who broke up with whom - i initiated the talk while visiting bc i felt he was unhappy, and we concluded he wasn't ready for a relationship even though he said before he thinks im perfect he doesn't deserve me etc. i was very upset and said we couldnt be friends, and booked a train ticket back home immediately. he was super upset that i said we couldnt still be best friends, called me repeatedly afterwards, asked if he could visit, call me tomorrow, etc, as if we had not broken up. eventually i had to lay down the law and say we cant talk often nor can he visit me anymore and we certainly can't hook up [even though in a moment of weakness we had break up sex].

 

i have a really hard time setting boundaries. first i worry he will resent or hate me because of it, then i miss him and his friendship and having him in my life and break down and call him. the first time i did this it resulted in ex skype sex, via pressure from him. ridiculous, i know.

 

after that he called me several times over the next week, but if he doesnt call me i wonder if hes moved on from me totally and isnt romantically interested at all anymore and feel rejected and hurt and break down and contact him.

 

i sent him an xmas card saying i wish for both of us to work on our goals [one of which his was to stop smoking weed - he made it abundantly clear he wasn't looking for other girls and still calls me his girl etc ] and continue improving our lives and he loved it. he skyped me the day he got it with his son, which was adorable. i had kind of avoided meeting his son [we were only together 6 months but very close] because i was afraid - its a part of his life i dont quite understand, but he is a good person and a good father.

 

i celebrate xmas on xmas eve and he called me again [a couple of days after he got the card], which was cute. we had a nice convo. the day before new years eve he said he really wanted to talk to me. i figured he wanted to talk about something specific but no, he just wanted to talk. we skyped on new years eve and just talked, he was in a really good mood and we were talking about our hobbies and he kept saying i looked nice and am really cute. i mentioned i might have to go on a trip somehwere and he said he wanted to come! he would go next week! which was really strange. he also showed me a pipe he had made to smoke weed out of a carrot - i dont know if that was to test my reaction or not but if it was, i failed. so much for him not smoking weed. at the end of the convo he blew me a kiss and said he loved me.

 

yesterday my grandma [dad's mom] died. i was spending time w my dad, but him and i have a really strained relationship so it felt very intense and i needed to escape. in another moment of weakness, i called my ex and told him about it. he said he was very sorry. i played devils advocate a little and said i wanted to see him in person and he said i could whenever, and i could stay with him or my friend whom i met him through. i said i would rather stay with you because i love you, but htat might be hard. he said that would be very very hard and that he awnts to skype. so i said fine, lets skype.

 

pretty much the second we start skyping, he tries to skype seduce me again. i tried to resist and said i was confused. he asked why and i was like well why would it be so hard for me to stay with you? why are we still doing this if we broke up? he said did you really have such a bad time when we were together and i said no i had a great time with him [i really did, he treated me so well we were very good to each other] but i feel emotionally vulnerable. he said well if you still like spending time with me and we still are attracted to each other whats the problem? i could come down there we could have sex in real life etc, he just wasn't going to "label" anything because he is still not ready for a relationship. were together when were together but not together when were not together... im not sure if that is distance related or what. i said its confusing when he randomly calls me and says he loves me etc and he defensively said well i do love you! finally i conceded and had skype sex with him.

 

at the end of the convo he said he wanted to take a nap and started bringing up us moving in together. i told him i wanted to snuggle with him and he said i could, i could lay on top of him naked or vice versa and i said fine. he said he wanted to move into a 3 bedroom apartment w another guy and i said we would have separate rooms? why? im not moving in with you if were not living in the same room and first he was like no what if my son visits and then he was like fine, that would split the cost etc. how romantic. trust me im not actually considering moving in with him, i was just humoring him.

 

i dont even understand why he brought up living together. he seemed so angry and unloving when i was resistant towards skype sex. how can he be so sweet and charming one day and so cold demanding and dismissive of my feelings the next day? on the day my grandmother died and i was already vulnerable. it felt like his feelings towards me totally changed, i was no longer special to him, just a girl he was trying to use.

 

furthermore, i feel like i really devauled myself and was very needy. i nagged him about the state of our relationship, if i was sitll his girl [he said i was, but before he has called me declaring it] saying i missed him, is he still as attracted to me, wah wah wah, basically being as needy and gross as i could possibly have been. i feel like i had made such progress with the card and demonstrated maturity, and now i just begged for reassurance from him that he probably felt forced to give to me and reenforced why he doesnt want to have the responsibility of a relationship. it was jarring how decisive he was that he would still not label anything when the other day he called me and said he really wanted to talk and loved me, and if he still does love me he was so cold yesterday that it didnt seem like love at all. i feel like if there was any vestige of emotion left, i pushed it away by being so insecure, and reinforced all the reasons why he doesn't want to be with me [it feels personal, not general].

 

later i wrote him saying how vulnerable i was feeling bc of my grandma and how he helped [lie lie lie - he said he figured skype sex would help distract me, yeah right] and he said "thats good." honestly though, i feel like him even considering us moving in together was a lie and he wants nothing to do with me now after that despicable display of neediness. i feel like i made myself repulsive, and now he probably wont want to talk to me, whereas if i had just left things where they were when i had sent the card and he had reached out to me so many times they just would have gotten better. also, i feel like i saw a side of him that scared me and makes me angry at him, but most of all i feel like he probably just resents me for being such a pain.

 

i know i should probably stop being in touch with him, but i feel like that wont be an issue because he wont want to reach out to me. i feel like he is going to look back in anger and disgust now, and not see all the good of our relationship like he did before. and it crushes me.