lostinlovex2 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Happy New Year! I just wanted some opinions on how to deal with all the judgement from friends (and some family) about my current situation. Had an affair with a MM while engaged. I ended my engagement, he his marriage. We had lots of mutual friends and everyone is judging me, but not him. He still has all of "our" old friends, as does his soon to be ex-wife, but they all treat me like crap. I understand that his stbew has probably told lie after lie about me, to anyone that would listen, but no one has approached me about anything involving this situation. MM still goes to dinner, spends NYE with them,etc. Some of them are accepting of our relationship while others are not. I'm just struggling to deal with all the judgement from "friends" while he gets none of it. Thoughts on how to deal with the feelings would be great. Thanks.
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I would just keep showing up to things anyway and try your best to let it go. I know that sounds really hard to do but I wouldn't try to get your side of the story out to anyone. If they are so easily affected to judge you without knowing you then they really aren't worth your explanation. Just be nice and don't feel intimidated by any of them. Don't feed their drama or their gossip. Rise above it and be better than them.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It'll take time for everybody to get used to you two as a couple. They are hurt too, the dynamic has changed and trust has to be re built. Some will probably be okay with this as time goes on but some may not be.. Not all will be happy and give you two their blessings.. Is he divorced yet or just separated?
underwater2010 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It makes me sad to hear that you are being judged and he is not. But that is one of the consequences of having an affair. Please bear in mind that his STBXW may not being telling lies, just telling them that you both cheated. Good luck in the future of this relationship. 1
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Happy New Year! I just wanted some opinions on how to deal with all the judgement from friends (and some family) about my current situation. Had an affair with a MM while engaged. I ended my engagement, he his marriage. We had lots of mutual friends and everyone is judging me, but not him. He still has all of "our" old friends, as does his soon to be ex-wife, but they all treat me like crap. I understand that his stbew has probably told lie after lie about me, to anyone that would listen, but no one has approached me about anything involving this situation. MM still goes to dinner, spends NYE with them,etc. Some of them are accepting of our relationship while others are not. I'm just struggling to deal with all the judgement from "friends" while he gets none of it. Thoughts on how to deal with the feelings would be great. Thanks. What did he say when you brought this up to him?
Decorative Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If this happened in my social group - I would not be friendly with either one of you. #bluntbuthowIam There might be something else going on that explains this behavior by your "friends", and I am not sure blaming his betrayed spouse is the default reason . I would have your partner ask those people what the difference is, and also why he feels like it is okay to hang with people who want nothing to do with you. From my seat- the issue is more that he wants to hang out with people who have rejected you. 2
Author lostinlovex2 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 What did he say when you brought this up to him? That he wouldn't hang out with people that didn't accept us. That "that group of friends" could either accept our new relationship or choose to not be a part of our lives.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 That he wouldn't hang out with people that didn't accept us. That "that group of friends" could either accept our new relationship or choose to not be a part of our lives. So what's the problem then? He ins't "hanging out" with those people and refusing to socialize with them. Oh. That didn't really answer anything did it? Because even though he doesn't associate with them YOU still know WHY. And it bothers you. What is really bothering you? It sounds like what is bothering you is really "I get treated less fairly than he (and we BOTH had the A)". If so, this R of yours wont last long. Best nip that in the bud.
Decorative Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Did you tell him this before or after NYE, when he hung out with them? 1
Author lostinlovex2 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Did you tell him this before or after NYE, when he hung out with them? I told him how I felt after he hung out with them. The issue hasn't come up since he said if they weren't accepting of us, he wouldn't spend time with them anymore. He's being accommodating to how I feel about it, and doesn't want to do anything to make me feel worse about it. He asked our friends why they were treating me differently than him, and that's when he found out his STBXW was spreading rumors about me. It is what it is, I'm just wondering a better way to deal with the feelings personally. I know why people are judging, and I know I deserve some of the judgement; I know what we did was wrong, but I'm just confused as to why I'm being judged more harshly than him, and trying to figure out a better way to deal other than getting angry.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I told him how I felt after he hung out with them. The issue hasn't come up since he said if they weren't accepting of us, he wouldn't spend time with them anymore. He's being accommodating to how I feel about it, and doesn't want to do anything to make me feel worse about it. He asked our friends why they were treating me differently than him, and that's when he found out his STBXW was spreading rumors about me. It is what it is, I'm just wondering a better way to deal with the feelings personally. I know why people are judging, and I know I deserve some of the judgement; I know what we did was wrong, but I'm just confused as to why I'm being judged more harshly than him, and trying to figure out a better way to deal other than getting angry. The OW has now, and likely always has, the worst reputation in these things - deservedly or otherwise. To wonder why and to pontificate that it isn't fair is not helpful. Seeing as you cannot change or control how others act and/or react, focus on you. Your resentment, and its resentment, that your BF is treated "less harsh" than you is not a positive step towards a healthy R. Its a slow cancer growing and eroding this new R. You gotta put a stop to it. And I'm not sure it has anything to do with his friends. I would think some couples counseling would help. I would not long allow this to fester.
herenow Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I told him how I felt after he hung out with them. The issue hasn't come up since he said if they weren't accepting of us, he wouldn't spend time with them anymore. He's being accommodating to how I feel about it, and doesn't want to do anything to make me feel worse about it. He asked our friends why they were treating me differently than him, and that's when he found out his STBXW was spreading rumors about me. It is what it is, I'm just wondering a better way to deal with the feelings personally. I know why people are judging, and I know I deserve some of the judgement; I know what we did was wrong, but I'm just confused as to why I'm being judged more harshly than him, and trying to figure out a better way to deal other than getting angry. What makes you so sure the stbxw doesn't think the "rumors" are the truth? Is she telling the truth? Did he tell you what she was saying? If she isn't being truthful, did he tell her what the real truth is? Do you know for a fact that he has been honest with her? Are you only getting his side of the story? 1
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 What makes you so sure the stbxw doesn't think the "rumors" are the truth? Is she telling the truth? Did he tell you what she was saying? If she isn't being truthful, did he tell her what the real truth is? Do you know for a fact that he has been honest with her? Are you only getting his side of the story? What kind of rumours is she spreading? Anything outside the realm that you had an A with her husband while engaged and helped break up their marriage? Fall outs from an affair are huge and even more so when the AP and WS end up together later.. And yes, as a society, they judge those who knowingly get involved with someone who is married much harsher than the actual cheater. It isn't gender specific, could be OW or could be OM.. People are going to believe what they're going to believe and unfortunately how you two got together may have tainted his friendships... Focus on your R with him and bonding more with him rather than others right now. Make new friends and hope that the older ones come around one day. Time heals all wounds, but some may not want to pursue or keep the friendship..And they have that right, like it or not.
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 How are these "friends" treating you like crap? Maybe they are stand-offish until the dust settles so they can slowly see the her they all stand?.?. Have you considered that maybe part of this could be You judging You too? You sound like you're being hard on yourself too. Yes, I believe engaging w/a MM is wrong but if the present situation is the two if you being single and available, then it is what it is. However if he is still married as in the Divorce is not official yet, then maybe these outsiders are still viewing you as the OW, homewrecker etc. (Not judging here, just trying to explain from the information you gave). As far as the Wife or STBXW or exW telling "lies", I kind of don't think she needs to tell lies. All she has to do from her standpoint is tell the truth should she feel the need to share information regarding the divorce. The "cure".? Time. Becoming a part of his life there for a part of his social life which includes his "friends".
MissBee Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If this happened in my social group - I would not be friendly with either one of you. #bluntbuthowIam There might be something else going on that explains this behavior by your "friends", and I am not sure blaming his betrayed spouse is the default reason . I would have your partner ask those people what the difference is, and also why he feels like it is okay to hang with people who want nothing to do with you. From my seat- the issue is more that he wants to hang out with people who have rejected you. Those are the same thoughts I had! How insulting and strange. I think it is very important you figure out why he seems to be going around happy go lucky, having dinner and NYE parties with people who have ostracized you, someone he supposedly loves, and his partner in the same crime. Why is he not bothered by this?
MissBee Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I told him how I felt after he hung out with them. The issue hasn't come up since he said if they weren't accepting of us, he wouldn't spend time with them anymore. He's being accommodating to how I feel about it, and doesn't want to do anything to make me feel worse about it. He asked our friends why they were treating me differently than him, and that's when he found out his STBXW was spreading rumors about me. It is what it is, I'm just wondering a better way to deal with the feelings personally. I know why people are judging, and I know I deserve some of the judgement; I know what we did was wrong, but I'm just confused as to why I'm being judged more harshly than him, and trying to figure out a better way to deal other than getting angry. I haven't experienced this personally, but as with lots of things that involve sex and fidelity, many times people/society judges women more harshly for it and gives men an easier time. It's definitely not right but that's how it is. Are these people close friends of yours or just acquaintances? If they are just acquaintances, then my only suggestion is to not worry about them and make new friendships with different people and avoid these folks. 1
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