edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I always thought I knew the kind of guy who would be good for me. I admit it was kind of a laundry list. But now that I am looking for something serious, whenever I meet this kind of guy I thought I wanted, I feel there is something lacking and that real chemistry is not there. A few examples: because I am very emotional, I always looked for quiet, stable types. Because my mind is too intense and I crave peaceful moments, I always looked for calm guys. But when I try to make things work out with guys who have the traits that seem desirable and right for my kind of personality, conflict and misunderstanding ensues, as they don't get me and I don't get them for not getting me. I get a little anxious with guys who are as intense as me because I think we wouldn't be able to have a peaceful life together without drama. Or to have a stable financial life, as usually more emotional guys are in artistic fields = not usually financially stable. So I try not to connect with these kind of people romantically, although they are more similar to me than stable, non-artistic guys. (OK, I know there are stable creative people out there but you know what I mean). Have I been looking in the wrong places and should I just reconsider and go for someone who is more similar to me?
Vercetti Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 In your age range I would hope the artistic types got over that tortured artist crap and balanced their lives. Only understand the stigmata of the type, so much so that even when not dating do not disclose artistic abilities. If someone discovers in the future its because I trust them, have a studio not wise to broadcast such information to randoms. My best advice is do the opposite. Say the opposite. Date the opposite. Just whatever you are doing flip it. Might be uncomfortable or unnatural, but in the end will be getting with people unlike those encountered before. If none of the people encountered before worked out...what would the opposite of that be 1
Andy_K Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Here's the philosophy I go for: Date someone who is similar to you in whatever ways are important, be that temperament, interests, academic achievements, etc. If you find that dating someone similar to you gives your life too much drama, instability, or whatever else - then what you need to is work on improving yourself, and then look again.
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 What do you do if you know you get along better with a certain type (creatives) but you know it's not that ideal for you (too much intensity & drama)? Ugh. Yes looking at it this way, maybe the problem is me, not them, haha. I was rethinking this thing most of us do - to have a certain type we think is ideal for us and then realizing I might be looking for the wrong type of people.
Weezy1973 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You should go for men that you like. Stop OLD; it makes it too easy to fall into that laundry list mentality. Get out in the world and do things that are important or interesting to you. Generally speaking, similarities will bode well in a long term relationship. If you want more stability in your life, become more stable. 3
Imajerk17 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) I hate the questions on here that have "should" in them. I mean how the hell are we supposed to know really if you are looking for love in the wrong places or if you "should" go for someone more like you. We are strangers off the internet! I know this sounds incredibly anal but it is a peeve of mine, and maybe its something to consider. Anyway... Well, in dating a lot of it is what you bring to the table. We don't know you or anything so I don't mean this personal, but it depends on what you mean by "very emotional". Hopefully that isn't code for "crazy". We all have some inner turmoil but do you have your life basically together yourself? A 40-year-old man or woman who does not is kind of a tough sell in the dating for LTR market. What do you bring to the table when it comes to dating? Where do you hang out too? What kind of guys do you meet in your usual spots? Edited January 2, 2013 by Imajerk17
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Weezy - I do go for men I like. But I have two contradictory types I like in my head. 1) the guys who are emotional (think poet/philosopher/artistic type - with whom I connect very well as I am creative type myself. 2) scientists/geeks types as although my brain doesn't function like theirs, (I am more left side of the brain and they are right side) - I find them super interesting because I like reading about science and technology and they just seem less dramatic which is a quality I admire and I like to think they will balance my tendency to be emotional about things (it works for my sis and her husband). The thing is I know I connect well with the first type, but for years I kept looking for the second type as they balance my energy and I have less propensity to drama with them. So... do I go for someone who I connect better and is very similar to me (and well, it's kind of boring in a way as I feel I'm dating myself), or do I keep going for these geeky types who I hope will give me a more stable relationship? My point is sometimes what you think is good for you might not be.
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It's a combination of: Experience Knowing yourself Knowing how to read people Luck I think most people don't know what they want early on in life. I know what I thought I wanted and what I ended up with was almost the complete opposite. You have to really know who YOU are so you know what makes you tick and what makes you happy. Then you have to be able to read this things in other people so you don't need a lifetime to figure out if he/she is right for you. Then...it's LUCK. Luck is a MAJOR factor because you might think you found Mr/Ms Right, everything clicks, the stars align...and then you find out you were wrong all along. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Dear Imajerk, stop being a jerk! lol. J/k. The idea of this post was the realization I'm having that sometimes we think we know what we want / need, and what kind of people will be good for us. And then suddenly we have some realization that we might be wrong and looking for the wrong type of person all along. I just gave a few examples to illustrate but what I'm thinking about is the general idea of not being stuck in a type you think is right, as well... it might not be. 'Very emotional' as in any creative type person - unusual, strong personality, edgy, innovative, not an easy going, Barbie-like girl who sits there and smiles and is not controversial or opinionated. I don't think this defines someone as "crazy" but it's not everyone's cup of tea either. In my case I like to think I do have my life together, except for the love life part. I think the fact that I met someone IRL instead of OLD the other day brought this to life and reminded me that it's easier to see if you connect with someone IRL. The problem is at my age it's rare to meet people like this so I'm stuck on OLD. In OLD I meet the second type - doctors, scientists, lawyers as I always thought they would balance out this restlessness I have being artistic. IRL I meet creative types more often but I don't usually get interested as it seems like I'd be dating myself. I do however connect better with them. Complicated!
pteromom Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Forget about "types". If those two "types" of guys are who you are attracted to, fine. But don't assume EVERY artistic guy is dramatic, and don't assume EVERY geeky guy is boring. Have your list. But change it up so that your list is more about what you want in a relationship. I always looked for quiet, stable types. I always looked for calm guys. Instead, make your requirement "I want someone who is able to resolve conflicts with me in a calm, rational way. I want someone who gives me a positive feeling and doesn't zap my energy." But when I try to make things work out with guys who have the traits that seem desirable and right for my kind of personality, conflict and misunderstanding ensues, as they don't get me and I don't get them for not getting me. "I want a guy who 'gets' me and who I 'get' too." Or to have a stable financial life, as usually more emotional guys are in artistic fields = not usually financially stable. Having him be financially stable is a good requirement, but don't write someone off simply because of what they do. You never know - if you are attracted to someone, give yourself the chance to find out. Don't categorize people. First, look for that attraction. If it is there, find out who they are. If they seem compatible and stable, move forward from there. 2
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 pteromom I think you're right. About 10 years ago I put in my mind that creative types are not compatible with me, seems it was a mistake. I love your positive way of looking at this and I guess it doesn't do anyone any good to categorize people in a laundry list way. Guess I need to do some thinking. But in general, doesn't almost everyone look for certain types they think is good for them? I thought what I was doing is something most people do.
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 You have to really know who YOU are so you know what makes you tick and what makes you happy. Yes the reason as I'm getting conflicted lately is because I thought I finally understood myself and my needs well enough to realize who I am and what I need, now that I'm entering my 4th decade But life keeps throwing these lessons at me, (relationships that fail) showing that I might be going in the wrong direction. All the things I thought I wanted might not be the ones that are good or right for me. Now, I ask myself - how do we know for sure what is good for us? Is it only when we meet the right person? Obviously my ideas of what I need as person are not leading me anywhere although I consider myself quite mature and like to think I know myself.
xxoo Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 'Very emotional' as in any creative type person - unusual, strong personality, edgy, innovative, not an easy going, Barbie-like girl who sits there and smiles and is not controversial or opinionated. And what is wrong with that in a partner? I don't really see the wisdom of your categories. The people I know don't fit neatly into one category or another. Every great scientist understands there is an art to science, and every great artist understands there is a science to art. Maybe you should just look for a person who connects with you, rather than a type? I agree with Weezy--get out there, hang out with interesting people, and let things happen naturally.
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) And what is wrong with that in a partner? Well I ask the same question! I am like that and I seem to scare most "calm" guys away I think they prefer similar calm, non threatening women. Artistic types do not feel weird around me and understand me. I don't really see the wisdom of your categories. The people I know don't fit neatly into one category or another. Every great scientist understands there is an art to science, and every great artist understands there is a science to art. Maybe you should just look for a person who connects with you, rather than a type? I agree that science can be an art, and vice-versa, maybe I shouldn't have chosen professions to explain the types. But if you think about it, you can divide what I'm talking about in two categories: the suffering artist and the logical scientist. We all know they exist. If you meet them, you usually know who they are and each has unique traits that go with that (a logical person versus someone who acts with their hearts). Is it too foolish to believe this exists? I agree with Weezy--get out there, hang out with interesting people, and let things happen naturally. I wish it was so easy to meet people IRL... it used to be and it was easier for dating and more gratifying. not anymore. Add to it that I am looking for someone in my religion. But that's for another post, soon... But still, I'll try, as the only person I met IRL this year seems to be more compatible with me than anyone I met through OLD. But really this post was more about this conflict that we can have when we think we need something vs. what would be better for us. Not specifically about my types etc. Edited January 2, 2013 by edgygirl
Fondue Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think if you stopped being so "intense" and "dramatic," then you may find yourself in a field of more available partners. It is weird that you categorize men in two fields, calm vs. more emotional. Maybe you should control your emotions instead of finding a man that compliments your emotional balance. Do you know what I meam?
Author edgygirl Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Fondue - I do control myself, and it's something I've been working on for years. I know I'm succeeding because my last ex was the emotional one where I kept my cool all the time. We had more things in common than I do with the calm guys but this instability in him bothered me a lot, one of the main reasons I dumped him. He didn't bring the peacefulness I'm seeking in a relationship. For me it makes sense to categorize the type of men I date in two fields (note: I am not saying ALL men are one or the other), as the calm ones is my usual to-go type. Off to a date soon, and the good thing is I have no clue what the guys' profession is or whether he's stable or emotional - following you guys advice and taking chances with varied types
xxoo Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 But if you think about it, you can divide what I'm talking about in two categories: the suffering artist and the logical scientist. We all know they exist. If you meet them, you usually know who they are and each has unique traits that go with that (a logical person versus someone who acts with their hearts). Is it too foolish to believe this exists?. Logical people and more emotionally driven people exist, but you can't determine that by career. I know scientists who are emotional roller coasters, and artists who are steadfast and focused. I also know the opposites. Remember the astronaut who wore the diaper so that she didn't have to stop to pee when she was driving across country to stalk her lover?
Author edgygirl Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Haha, didn't know about this story! Reading about it now, crazy. Very true xxoo. I just usually fond them in certain careers throughout my life. The more logical guys seem to be a world apart in personality from the creative ones I met in college. In any case, I am still confused these days. I tried to go for the logical ones in the past 10 years. Not sure they are right for me anymore. Have to rethink the concept. Maybe the way to look at it is to stop trying to label people and go with the flow without thinking "oh he's emotional, he won't balance me" because of my past experiences. Will be hard as it's a little ingrained in my brain.
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