becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Quick recap - my 18 month relationship ended in Sept - although he kept me on the hook till end of Nov by telling me he still had feelings for me - I've been NC for about 5 weeks - except for a happy xmas message from my ex which did not help! Anyway, I was feeling better about things, had stopped thinking about him too much and was trying to move on. So, I went on a date - thought I was ready and although I had a nice time and the guy was really nice, when I got home I couldn't stop crying. All I did was compare this guy to my ex which is stupid and unfair - I thought it might help me move on but all it seems to have done is set me back. I'm terrified that this will always happen - will I always compare the next guy I date to my ex? Or am I just dating too soon? I don't want to hurt anyone so I won't be dating for awhile now - I just want to know that I'll be able to move on at some point without my ex in my head. Does anyone have any advice or experience which might help?
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It is still fresh in your mind. When enough time passes and you realize that this stringer of a Guy isn't worth your tears anymore, you will moveon without feeling bad. When you do compare, it will be for better, not worse. You will see that the new love in your life is better then the old...and hurt nomore over him. Be confident, and realize you are deserving of a happiness he cannot give. See him as the loser, who gave up a great girl. Put him away. Not enough people go with putting their exes away for good. Block his number, so he cannot contact you and kill your days. Hugs* please feel better. 1
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Just means you aren't ready yet. I think that's happened to everyone who's been in a LTR and had it end...then tried dating again. I just posted this on another thread, but Ill post it here again because its an example that I really should remember myself, as I just had a 5 year relationship end and am heartbroken... Since my ex wife and I divorced, she's dated about 10-15 guy, and knowing her, she's SLEPT with 20 or 30 of them, if you know what I mean lol. Point is.....at one time, I was absolutely CRUSHED about losing my wife...and now I can actually crack JOKES about it...and LAUGH about it, too. So yeah, if I can make jokes about my former wife banging practically any guy that tells her she has a nice rack (and trust me...she had a SPECTACULAR set of d-cups lmao), then that should tell you something. I was an absolute mess after we split up...and now...I can honestly, truly say...I dont give a ****. Hell, I can freely make jokes about it and I dont feel a thing. Now...if I can only apply this to my own current situation, I'd be home free. 2
Gingerxr2 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hi ya , Unfortunately it's common , I tried the same thing but it's just a rebound and I guess we try and fill the empty void that we have going in inside , first I would stop beating yourself up about the feelings you have , it's natural and believe me I'm feeling completely the same , but we're not ready to let anybody in right now ! It's amazing thing this forum you can talk to anyone at any time which will help fill the emptiness you are feeling , trust me it will get better 1 day at a time ! Just remain strong as difficult as that will be X 2
th90 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Perhaps wait for a little longer before you start to date again? IMO, if you're going out again to attempt to move on, you may get hit by the same feelings you had after your last date. So what I'd suggest would be going out as friends. Not a date. Make it clear to the guy you just want to hang out as friends. Have a nice dinner, nice chat and go home. No physical gestures more than a kiss on the cheeks (being polite) and a goodbye-friend hug by the end of the day. This way, you can enjoy your night out with a male friend and get to know each other slowly and only consider dating when you think you're ready. Best of all, no pressure 2
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I wish I could forget him I really do - I was doing a pretty good job until the date. Just made me think of all the good things about my ex when I had managed to forget them. When will I know I'm ready to date again?
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Just means you aren't ready yet. I think that's happened to everyone who's been in a LTR and had it end...then tried dating again. I just posted this on another thread, but Ill post it here again because its an example that I really should remember myself, as I just had a 5 year relationship end and am heartbroken... Since my ex wife and I divorced, she's dated about 10-15 guy, and knowing her, she's SLEPT with 20 or 30 of them, if you know what I mean lol. Point is.....at one time, I was absolutely CRUSHED about losing my wife...and now I can actually crack JOKES about it...and LAUGH about it, too. So yeah, if I can make jokes about my former wife banging practically any guy that tells her she has a nice rack (and trust me...she had a SPECTACULAR set of d-cups lmao), then that should tell you something. I was an absolute mess after we split up...and now...I can honestly, truly say...I dont give a ****. Hell, I can freely make jokes about it and I dont feel a thing. Now...if I can only apply this to my own current situation, I'd be home free. How long did it take you after your divorce to feel like you didn't care and could date other people?
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I wish I could forget him I really do - I was doing a pretty good job until the date. Just made me think of all the good things about my ex when I had managed to forget them. When will I know I'm ready to date again? When you can laugh about all of this, you will know. Unfortunately, there is no forgetting years of your life. But the pain can be forgotten. When you can see all this as nothing more then a laugh. But in the end...you will know. Only you will know 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You'll be ready to date when you look upon your ex with 'Benign Indifference' That is to say, when you see him in the loving arms of another woman, and rejoicing in the baby they've made together, and you think, "Meh... yeah, so what? I'm happy for the guy and I wish him well, but it's all good...." How long this takes for you to achieve, is completely and entirely down to you. Letting go is what you are empowered with. It ultimately comes down to letting yourself move on. 1
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 You'll be ready to date when you look upon your ex with 'Benign Indifference' That is to say, when you see him in the loving arms of another woman, and rejoicing in the baby they've made together, and you think, "Meh... yeah, so what? I'm happy for the guy and I wish him well, but it's all good...." How long this takes for you to achieve, is completely and entirely down to you. Letting go is what you are empowered with. It ultimately comes down to letting yourself move on. I want to move on - but I'm worried that I'll never get to that 'indifference' stage - I guess it helps if you meet someone else eventually - how did you get to that point and how long did it take you?
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It took me a year, if that helps. But we all recover at our own time. I still feel sorrowful at times(a lot rarer.) Especially since her Facebook profile popped up(er...she closed one and started another, has five -- like a good cheater.) So had to block the other gemma one LOL. That is why it is good to block anyway they have to contact you or you them. Fb/twitter are the modern day destructive forces to relationships. But it hurt seeing it and yet at the sametime...I was able to block her. Anyway...a year, and I still suffer some negatives from it....if I allow it.
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 It took me a year, if that helps. But we all recover at our own time. I still feel sorrowful at times(a lot rarer.) Especially since her Facebook profile popped up(er...she closed one and started another, has five -- like a good cheater.) So had to block the other gemma one LOL. That is why it is good to block anyway they have to contact you or you them. Fb/twitter are the modern day destructive forces to relationships. But it hurt seeing it and yet at the sametime...I was able to block her. Anyway...a year, and I still suffer some negatives from it....if I allow it. I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt by a cheater - my problem is that my ex was a nice guy - apart from leading me on for a month or so which he said was because he was confused - I know that was a selfish thing for him to do but then ending a relationship is never straightforward I guess. Maybe it would be easier for me to forget him if I could stop putting him on a pedastal, which I know full well I am doing and it's holding me back from moving on.
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Perhaps wait for a little longer before you start to date again? IMO, if you're going out again to attempt to move on, you may get hit by the same feelings you had after your last date. So what I'd suggest would be going out as friends. Not a date. Make it clear to the guy you just want to hang out as friends. Have a nice dinner, nice chat and go home. No physical gestures more than a kiss on the cheeks (being polite) and a goodbye-friend hug by the end of the day. This way, you can enjoy your night out with a male friend and get to know each other slowly and only consider dating when you think you're ready. Best of all, no pressure What "normal" guy is going to ask you to go out on a date "friends". Are you going to tell him this right before the date? Lol. I mean id settle for the woman i ask out saying ..I'm not ready for a relationship but i might be into hooking up if all goes well. But to say "sure id love to go to dinner with you.....but just as friends". Come on. Just date when you ready. No need to say anything unless something goes well and you need to let the guy know your not ready for something serious All this is just my opinion Argh women
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt by a cheater - my problem is that my ex was a nice guy - apart from leading me on for a month or so which he said was because he was confused - I know that was a selfish thing for him to do but then ending a relationship is never straightforward I guess. Maybe it would be easier for me to forget him if I could stop putting him on a pedastal, which I know full well I am doing and it's holding me back from moving on. Exactly! It is time for you to be selfish dear. And focus on putting yourself on that pedestal. Be selfish! Realize a pretty girl like you can easily have anyone. Flirt, take baby steps...and you'll see how helpful it is in healing. He may be a nice Guy... But it's over; you should be on that pedestal you foxxy lady. Now be selfish *hugs you tightly* stop your tears...it is time to be selfish. 1
th90 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 What "normal" guy is going to ask you to go out on a date "friends". Are you going to tell him this right before the date? Lol. I mean id settle for the woman i ask out saying ..I'm not ready for a relationship but i might be into hooking up if all goes well. But to say "sure id love to go to dinner with you.....but just as friends". Come on. Just date when you ready. No need to say anything unless something goes well and you need to let the guy know your not ready for something serious All this is just my opinion Argh women Sorry if I sounded stupid and naive to you but obviously we're going in different directions. Mine being making it clear it's not a date, just being friends, get to know each other better, if everything falls into place, eventually something serious will develop between the two. No expectation, not rushing into anything, be themselves, be natural. Yours being going for a date, expecting to hook up if the mood sets in between the two. Also OP has a hard time moving on. Hooking up will only do more damage to her mental and emotional well-being as evidenced from her last date. Just my opinion 1
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 How long did it take you after your divorce to feel like you didn't care and could date other people? Like 2 years before I was even REMOTELY interested in women again...and about another year before I could say i was truly READY...so about 3 years. But we were married...and together for a total of 12 years, and had a son together. I met my newly ex-fiance about 6 months after I started dating again.
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 When you can laugh about all of this, you will know. Unfortunately, there is no forgetting years of your life. But the pain can be forgotten. When you can see all this as nothing more then a laugh. But in the end...you will know. Only you will know This is true. I dont only laugh at my ex's promiscuous behavior...there WERE some really good times we shared. They just dont have the same meaning that they used to anymore. I think about them...and feel....nothing. I DO miss those D-cups though. ROFLMAO!!!!!!! I used to even avoid an entire part of town because we were married at a plantation home...under the gazeebo in the garden. Now, I can honestly say...I could go there, stand in the EXACT spot where I said "I do" and not feel a thing. to get to THAT point to me about 5 years...but like I said...I was actually married to this woman and we have a son together..and we were with each other for 12 years. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Sorry if I sounded stupid and naive to you but obviously we're going in different directions. Mine being making it clear it's not a date, just being friends, get to know each other better, if everything falls into place, eventually something serious will develop between the two. No expectation, not rushing into anything, be themselves, be natural. Yours being going for a date, expecting to hook up if the mood sets in between the two. Also OP has a hard time moving on. Hooking up will only do more damage to her mental and emotional well-being as evidenced from her last date. Just my opinion Hmmm. Well my opinion is date when you ready without setting any boundaries (you can have boundaries but dont need to verbalize this) or communicating your fragile state to the person that asks you out. If i go on a date of course id like to get to know the person to see how i feel. I might be interested in another date or not, or something more serious, or just a hookup. It all depends. My point was that i wouldn't go on a date if i was told form the outset that the woman wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. Why bother? Edited January 2, 2013 by cavalier99
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Like 2 years before I was even REMOTELY interested in women again...and about another year before I could say i was truly READY...so about 3 years. But we were married...and together for a total of 12 years, and had a son together. I met my newly ex-fiance about 6 months after I started dating again. I guess I won't need as long because we weren't together for that long in the grand scheme of things. I was with someone for 12 years before my last relationship and that was easier to get over because we grew apart and I had been thinking about breaking up for a long time - we both were - so I had my emotions ready to deal with the break up. This was the first time someone broke up with me so it's all very new and hard to process. I hope you can move on from your heartbreak too x
th90 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hmmm. Well my opinion is date when you ready without setting any boundaries (you can have boundaries but dont need to verbalize this) or communicating your fragile state to the person that asks you out. If i go on a date of course id like to get to know the person to see how i feel. I might be interested in another date or not, or something more serious, or just a hookup. It all depends. My point was that i wouldn't go on a date if i was told form the outset that the woman wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. Why bother? I get you. Just understand one simple thing. Happiness doesnt come by easy. If you go out with someone expecting something in return(potential relationship/hook up), you wont enjoy the process as much as if you didnt expect anything back and just go with the flow. If you're able to respect and accept a woman's wish to just go out as friends as a start, greater things will come into your life.
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Hmmm. Well my opinion is date when you ready without setting any boundaries (you can have boundaries but dont need to verbalize this) or communicating your fragile state to the person that asks you out. If i go on a date of course id like to get to know the person to see how i feel. I might be interested in another date or not, or something more serious, or just a hookup. It all depends. My point was that i wouldn't go on a date if i was told form the outset that the woman wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. Why bother? I think you both make a good point I think that dating when you still have feelings for an ex is dangerous - as I have found out! If you think te new date could be a friend and maybe more could happen once you have healed more then maybe that could be something to discuss, although most guys would not want to wait for a girl who is still hung up on her ex I guess... 2
Honiebee Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If you're upset when you get home, it just shows you're not ready. He could be the most amazingly handsome/funny/lovely person, but it wouldn't matter, because you wouldn't be ready to date him- your ex is still clearly etched into your mind. In a way, you can look at this as a positive, at least you tried it and you now know that you're not ready- so all you need is more time. It also shows you that you're not going to be alone forever, and there are plenty of people out there who would love to date you. It just isn't the right time for you yet.
Author becks77 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 If you're upset when you get home, it just shows you're not ready. He could be the most amazingly handsome/funny/lovely person, but it wouldn't matter, because you wouldn't be ready to date him- your ex is still clearly etched into your mind. In a way, you can look at this as a positive, at least you tried it and you now know that you're not ready- so all you need is more time. It also shows you that you're not going to be alone forever, and there are plenty of people out there who would love to date you. It just isn't the right time for you yet. Thanks Honiebee - that's a sweet post and definitely helps to hear from people in the same boat - I hope you're having a good start to the new year and getting over whatever heartbreak came your way. I'm going to take some time to heal and not rush in to anything
cavalier99 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I get you. Just understand one simple thing. Happiness doesnt come by easy. If you go out with someone expecting something in return(potential relationship/hook up), you wont enjoy the process as much as if you didnt expect anything back and just go with the flow. If you're able to respect and accept a woman's wish to just go out as friends as a start, greater things will come into your life. I agree happiness doesn't come easy. Lol. As far as dating i never have any expectations about hooking up immediately and do like to enjoy the process. But is does need to progress! I like a woman to be strong enough to deal with her feelings and confident enough to follow thru if there is attraction so things can progress normally. I like confident woman in general and that includes being sexually confident if there is a big spark. I guess if i went out on a date and the woman said she liked me but is all about just friendship for now. I would just shrug it off and move on. No harm. But i wouldn't hang around to deal with emotional baggage. She could call me when she feels better lol 2
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I guess I won't need as long because we weren't together for that long in the grand scheme of things. I was with someone for 12 years before my last relationship and that was easier to get over because we grew apart and I had been thinking about breaking up for a long time - we both were - so I had my emotions ready to deal with the break up. This was the first time someone broke up with me so it's all very new and hard to process. I hope you can move on from your heartbreak too x Yes, the person who does the leaving recovers faster than the one that gets left. Just remember this in your future relationships if there ever comes a time again when you feel you must be the one to end a relationship..remember how YOU feel right now...and realize you will be causing someone else to feel this way...so be honorable. I wish more people did...instead of coming up with all kinds of mean, cruel ways to break up. I will move on in time...and so will you. I did what I called a series of "feeler dates". I went out with someone to see how it felt. I was testing the water. If I came home and felt guilty or thought about my ex...I waited another while and tried again, etc. Your feelings will tell you when you are ready.
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