Should I feel guilty and total responsibility?

[Canadian guy]

My marriage to my wife ended 3months ago. We were together 3 years and have no children. Our relationships had its ups and downs I would say more downs than ups. I never really knew where I stood with my wife as one minute she hated me and the next she loved me more than anyone on earth and wanted my kids. Much of the time she would criticise everything I did and make me feel like I couldn't get anything right even though what I was doing was with our best intentions at heart. This might range from cleaning the house to cooking a meal - I simply couldn't get things right in her eyes. If it wasn't done to her standards it was wrong, black and white. This was pretty much the main theme of our arguments - that and I didn't show her I loved her enough - which always confused me because when I asked her what she meant by this she could never pinpoint what she meant, it was just a feeling..she would say. I think a lot of it was her self esteem but I would support her and tell her she was beautiful. I think the main problem was that we took each other for granted and the marriage became 'comfortable'. My wife would often express her upsets and concerns and we would sit down and talk about them. I wanted to work through them and make her happy but it always seemed like we would end up back at square one or that we simply couldn't communicate. My biggest problem with my wife was the way she spoke to me, like I was stupid or a piece of dirt on her shoe (not always, but enough to be an issue) she also never really took much interest in what i was saying and instead would be glued to her mobile phone and eves dropping on other peoples conversations if we went out anywhere. She refused to change this part of her, claiming it was who she was but still expected me to change who I was!

 

Sorry off on a tangent...anyway what my wife did do towards the end was suggest counselling and also bought a book on marriage. I didn't read the book, I dint know why but I feel so guilty for not taking it seriously instead I made up excuses that I couldn't find the time to read it, deep down I guess I never thought a book would help us the emotional abuse had taken a toll and I was fed up. We went to one counselling session and never went back. My wife also offered me an ultimatum get better or im gone...again It confused me because she could never define what time it was that she needed but she was convinced it was something I was doing - every time it was that I didn't love her enough.

 

As I sit here today I feel so guilty for not listening to her warning signs or taking the book seriously enough she did try god I feel like all this is my fault and if only I had taken those things more seriously that we might still be together, although she was never prepared to change herself.

 

I hate being stuck mulling over the past but im struggling to move forward

[Kelemvor]

Hmm. It's difficult to make assumptions without more information, but I would say you are going through the normal post divorce depression where you second guess yourself. It's normal. You can choose a variety of "what if's" on which to ruminate. I'm of the opinion that very few people evaluate, analyze, plan, and carry out a divorce impulsively. Chances are... you didn't either. It's something you weighed carefully, and in the end felt that it was the right decision. When I look back on my life, there will be a variety of life choices where I might wonder if the choice was correct, which is forgivable, but more importantly... might wonder if the way in which I arrived at that choice was correct, which ironically I hold myself to a higher standard. With that in mind, I would bet that most people would not be guilty in the methodology or process in how they arrived at the decision to divorce, regardless of whether it was the "correct" decision or not. I think, most of the time, it is indeed the "correct" choice also based on how most of us approach making that choice (carefully).

 

I can see your regret with counseling, but if your marriage is as you describe, generally unhappy replete with negativity and few sustained joyful moments then I would say your regret is unfounded. In my case, my stubbornness to try counseling twice and keep trying led to placing myself in situations and temptations that I knew was foolhardy, yet I kept myself and my ex-wife in the situation by not seeking divorce sooner. In the end, it's wasted time for both her and myself. She could have been out there finding someone more compatible and more in line with her life philosophies, and I could have been doing the same.

 

What's done is done, try not to second guess yourself. As I said, chances are this wasn't a decision based on spurious logic and impulsivity, but you thought it out and listened to your instincts. My instincts told me that marital counseling would be a waste of effort and time. Guess what? It was, and prolonged the inevitable by a good 1.5 years.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Kelemvor

[orionboxing]

This is crazy....I was married only 3 years too.

 

Your ex-wife and my ex-wife are VERY similar. Like you, I could not do anything right. She criticized me for not making enough money (I do well, by my standards), not being handy enough around the house (again, totally false), and the list goes on and on.

 

Truth is, I gave that woman everything she wanted (new house, new cars, a dog, vacations) - except a child. And guess what, she got on my case about that too.

 

The difference between you and I is that I actually went to couples counseling and it didn't do anything for us. It might not have worked for you either. My wife, who suggested the counseling, never did a damn thing the psychiatrists asked her to do. Your ex probably would have been the same way.

 

Who initiated the separation? You or your ex?

[GuyInLimbo]

Listen, man, stop beating yourself up. Sounds to me you did what you could. Just because you didn't read a f*cking book you think this was all your fault?? C'mon.

 

The fact of the matter is you never had a healthy relationship, you're out free and clear. Learn from whatever mistakes you made, find someone much better suited to you and who is mentally healthy.

 

Consider yourself lucky.

[newme9]

When I read your post I felt a slight pang in my chest. I was also married 3 years, 1 week short of our 3rd anniversary when my husband left. It was quite complicated with us because i was cursed with anxiety attacks that were because of the pill i was on but thought it was the marriage. With that said, regardless of the anxiety attacks, i still criticized my husband when i thought i was simply making suggestions. I take responsibility for my actions and learned through cognitive behavorial therapy that i needed to change my perspective and perhaps thats what your ex-wives (you and the other guy who posted) need in order to change.

 

So here is my perspective to you. It is sometimes complicated with women because we have complicated relationships with other women and in particular mothers. Mothers are very critical of their daughters and sometimes are very judgemental, more so than to their sons. So its a bad cycle and sometimes us women dont realize we are doing it. its not excusable but maybe that's something you can try to understand.

 

I think youre right in that you both took each other for granted as my stbxh and i were also guilty of that. i think in most marriages we take it for granted and the best thing for well being and happiness is to always be grateful for all that we have. it took my husband leaving me for me to realize that after 31 years of living on this earth. this pain you feel right now is something you should always remember for the rest of your life. not to carry forever, but to remember. i think its a good reference point for never taking anything for granted anymore.

 

also, just because you didnt read the book doesnt mean anything. accept it as it is, that unless both of you are willing to change, then it just wasnt meant to be. We suffer in order to grow and be better for the next one. though i loved my husband soo very much, i also know that i learned a great deal from all this and know that the next and hopefully final husband of mine is someone i can love unconditionally and never take for granted and to never repeat the same mistakes. so accept it as a learning experience in life and dont feel guilty and dont feel totally responsible. it always takes 2. and as long as you accept the situation, take responsibility for your own part (cause thats the only thing you can control) and forgive yourself, then you will start to feel better very very soon. thats what i did and 6 months later, i am well. hope that helps.