ls32ssibm Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Please disregard my previous post related to this, I left out a lot of details. Anyway, I'm 24, male, and subscribed to eHarmony earlier this month. I received a match under my "What If?" tab, which is essentially matches that are outside your general requirements. In this case, it was distance; she, 23, lives a staggering 150 miles away. But, I was very interested in her profile, so I emailed her and she emailed me back. Before I know it we are texting and talking on the phone. This goes on for about two weeks; we are unable to meet on the weekends due to the Holidays, which neither of us have a problem with. We really hit it off, talking a lot, video skype, etc. We have a ton in common and seem extremely compatible. Yesterday, we finally meet. Half way mind you, was still about a 1 hour 40 minute drive for me with traffic. But, we both said we would initially overlook the distance to meet because we got along so well. Now, when we meet, I am extremely dissatisfied with her body, as horrible as it sounds. She was pretty crafty with her photos apparently and made herself seem a lot "thinner" than she was. Mind you, she wasn't fat per se, but rather very, very thick. I had originally suspected she may be on the thicker side but it was way beyond what I was expecting. Her face is gorgeous as her photos portray, but I am not attracted to her body really at all as I prefer thinner chicks. We have dinner, and I try to put it in the back of my mind as I really enjoy her company and took to her personality rather well. Until the car ride home, when I have a lot of time to think. How can it really work if I'm not that attracted to her? This is a pretty long drive. Am I being a shallow dick? When I get home, I decide to text her and tell her I can't see it working out because the distance is a lot for me the handle at the moment. Although not the whole truth, it is partially true, the distance does suck. Besides, what am I going to tell her, I don't like her body? She responds "I'm glad you made it home okay, and that's okay I understand if that's how you feel". Which is about par the course for how sweet she always is. Now, I feel like a complete POS. For a few reasons; potentially upsetting her, judging her like that, being shallow, and wondering if I made a mistake or not. What do you guys think? Should I just leave her alone (and hopefully she finds someone who finds her flawless because that's honestly what she deserves)? To be honest, I am already missing her likeness in my life; that's how much we hit it off. But, I am definitely leaning towards leaving her alone, I don't even feel I deserve someone like her right now anyway.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 When I get home, I decide to text her and tell her I can't see it working out because the distance is a lot for me the handle at the moment. Although not the whole truth, it is partially true, the distance does suck. Besides, what am I going to tell her, I don't like her body? In fact you were being honest about the distance being too great. It's just that you actually meant the distance between one side of her body and the other. But jokes aside, unless you are really hoping to stay long-term friends with her, I'd try to figure out a nice way to just say it. That is probably extremely hard, but what good is the alternative of never telling her the real reason? You WOULD be interested and might be able to make something amazing happen otherwise, but she's too fat and that's ruining it. I'm significantly overweight myself and would never expect anyone to just be OK with that. I'm not OK with it, and I won't be dating until I address it. If I WAS dating, and someone ditched me and wouldn't tell me why, I'd rather at least know that that was the reason. Seems to me it could be a good motivator for her, on the off chance that she can accept the criticism. OTOH even though it's understandable and justifiable, it also gives the appearance of being shallow. It's a tough one...
Author ls32ssibm Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 But, as I said, she isn't really "fat". If she spent 5 hours a day at the gym, she'd probably look the same - it's her bone structure and natural body build, and it's just really not my type. I think I've decided I'm going to just leave her alone. I'm pretty disgusted in myself right now and honestly feels she deserves better, and I don't want to put her through any of these stupid games.
mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I'm glad to read that you did the right thing with this gal by letting her down ASAP after the meeting. As to your problem? I wouldn't sweat it too much. If it's not there, it's not there. And like you said, someone else will like her. I admire you for nipping it in the bud immediately.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 But, as I said, she isn't really "fat". If she spent 5 hours a day at the gym, she'd probably look the same - it's her bone structure and natural body build, and it's just really not my type. I don't see that stated anywhere in your OP. You seemed to be saying she wasn't "fat fat" but still basically fat, in different words. I doubt it could be some insurmountable "body thickness", some unchangeable physique. I know you think that, it just seems unlikely to me. Standing by my original advice.
Malia25 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 But, as I said, she isn't really "fat". If she spent 5 hours a day at the gym, she'd probably look the same - it's her bone structure and natural body build, and it's just really not my type. I think I've decided I'm going to just leave her alone. I'm pretty disgusted in myself right now and honestly feels she deserves better, and I don't want to put her through any of these stupid games. I'm just curious what your version of "thick" is. Liiike Kim Kardashian thick or Christina Aguilera (circa 2011-12) thick?? As a curvy gal myself, I'm aware that my body type is not every guy's cup of tea. In fact, the last guy I dated - I suspect that he wasn't into the curves because he is now with a super fit girl with no curves. And that's ok. But I would rather not hear that as a reasoning for a guy leaving - and she probably won't either. Thicker girls naturally have those insecurities, so to hear that's the very reason you lost interest will not fare well for her body image. But let's hope she is confident enough with her body to know there are others out there who will LOVE her shape. I personally love my big booty and any guy I am with will have to love it too. I get why you feel horrible, but you did the right thing by letting her go early on. If you remain friendly with her, she may want to know WHY you lost interest and that will eat at your guilt even more. Just leave her be. You'll both be fine.
SmileFace Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Just leave her alone. You aren't attracted to her - don't waste either of your times. Edited January 2, 2013 by SmileFace 1
Maneater Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 At least you were honest and polite with her. I wouldn't feel bad. If you used her for sex and was leading her on then that would be shady. We all can't be attracted to each other, it happens. 2
ScreamingTrees Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I personally love my big booty and any guy I am with will have to love it too. What guy wouldn't? You can still have the shape of a skinny minnie and still be a bit larger framed.. I wouldn't mind that at all..
KungFuJoe Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Op, Why are you stressing? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You weren't a jerk...hell, you pretty much handled it in the best possible way. You are definitely a lot more tactful than I was back in the day when I would "fake" a page (I'm dating myself now) from work during a bad date and make some excuse that I got called in for an emergency. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You did the right thing, she does deserve someone who accepts her for who she i s....she will find that because you arent wasting her time......everybody deserves that in life someone who accepts them fro who and what they are and definitely someone who finds them desirable other than for sex....so you did the right thing....and you suck by the way.....;0)....deb
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If I was in her position, I wouldn't want anyone dating me that has doubts to their attraction to me. Don't feel bad. I am sure she has her own preferences. Maybe she didn't find you all that hot either? For all you know, she could be relieved that you rejected her. 1
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