Heartonastick Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 ah hey guys im totally new here. Its about 5am in London and I cant sleep. Need some bloody help before I tear my hair out. It all started in December 2011. I met this guy after suffering through a terrible nasty break up that screwed my head completely. I was on antidepressants and about to leave to Lapland for a month. I liked him ALOT. My gut feeling though was telling me not to get in a relationship because I was obviously not very happy in myself, so rejected his offer. But then when I left for Lapland a week into it i had an accident. I was sent home and couldnt work for a month and the whole time he was on the end of the phone getting me through christmas. He said he wanted to prove to me that he was a good guy and did so. On New Years we got together in a relationship. Everything was obviously bliss up until the point where he managed to convince me to stop taking my antidepressants. It was his best interest at heart to try and show me i dont need drugs to be happy. So i stopped (immediately) and things started to go downhill from there. He has a horrible gambling problem and is depressed himself however ive realised now his was different to mine since he's not very emotional at all. After he had to leave his job (long story) i moved all his things out of his house and drove him to London (he lived in brighton) to stay with friends. I then got him a job at my work as a tour guide (he stills there of course) as its good pay and I was going away for a bit. This is when the arguements set in. My depression was back but perhaps worse and I was constantly sobbing everyday. Alot happened in the year, death of a loved one, fractured wrist (from my accident in lapland but didnt realised until 2 months later) 2 car crashes, breaks cut out while driving and also an opportunity in a tour job in europe that i had to leave because I couldnt write with my fracture. Out in Europe he sold his TV to come see me and we travelled together. My depression was at its worst as I cried and was even angry. I do feel bad, but whats done is done. Anyway, He finally decided to end it round august. I was heartbroken. he did it once before but that only lasted 2 days. We still loved each other very much. We've been off and on ever since really (off now of course) and I ended up in hospital after having a breakdown. So im back on the antidepressants. Have had therapy over the past 4 months and feel like im finally becoming the person I love to be. That however doesnt make it easy though since I feel like he saw me when I wasnt myself and probably assumes that is who I am. Because he didnt want to leave the job I do have see him perhaps upto 4 times a week. He did a little bit of dating but i think is struggling to find someone new. Ive tried to be open but am happy focusing on getting better. But here's the issue; I cant stop thinking about him. He isnt the jerk of an ex you want but dont want. He waits for me after tours, remembers EVERYTHING i mention even if it was a year ago he knows me inside out really. He collects my favourite chocolates on the chocolate tour and gives them to me when I see him. He always wants to hang out and worries about me. We obviously have slept together a few times but i said that this isnt right. Finally (im getting there) after becoming stronger each day I finally felt like myself again and have been attracting male attention. A guy on my tour asked me out while I was with my ex. my ex asked me what I was doing after work and i said some guy invited me for a drink (he had a friend who was a girl with him) and and that he could join. He ignored what i said and thought we should hang in a pub with no customers in it after. Got to the end of the tour, guy waited after to see me. I looked at my ex and said are you coming? And he said about a package in the morning he had to wake up for and left. I felt bad but whatever went with the guy. 10 minutes later ex texts saying he forgot to give my my £10 he owed (i was seeing him tomorrow too) and could he meet me since he's walked back to the station to see me. Id obviously left though by then. Then an hour into having a drink with this guy i got a at the table message on this dating website app im on FROM MY EX. DUN DUN DUUUUNNN. I knew he had a profile on there but could never find me since his age bracket looking for girls was a year older than I am so would never fit his criteria (yes I did have a sneaky look at it but I wasnt logged in on my own!) he said glad to see ive finally joined or something its lots of fun on here been on it for years. Anyway it kind of weirded me out a bit.He lied and said he changed the year of the search age bracket because the dating website apparently match us up several times together, but itd been the same before I even joined! Do not know how he found me. Then next few days he mentioned a girl a friend he was going to panto with. I said "enjoy your date" in a jokey way and poked him in the ribs as it obviously wasnt a friend. He lied again and said it was a friend of a guy called Dan who is no longer his mate. I still kind of speak to this guy and he commented on a status on fb and i got chatting. subtly mentioned his friend "amber" but he said I never have met a person called amber nor have a friend and immediately assumed my ex was fibbing about something. Next day he bring up panto and said it was funny. I played along with it all and asked how long he'd known her and that it was unusual how she'd invite him over dan. He then replied saying years and that theyre only friends and she way too fat not his type (i presume they met up and he wasnt very fond of her) I then told him i knew he lied and he got angry fell out and argued with me. Anyway we got over it (a little bit hes still pissed off even though I should be!) I said it isnt my business to know everything there was just no need to bring it up in the first place he didnt need to tell me or even lie about it! New years (the one that just happened remember?) was our anniversary one year not much i know but it was sad. Sad because he distant himself from me and didnt speak over xmas. I was going to see him NYE out of work as he wanted to see me. I called him but he was showing friends around London. He didnt seemed a bit off with me though we only spoke the day before. I kind of got the vibe that I should just back off but wanted to tell him I know that this time of year is hard for us but i still care. I got emotional over the phone and kind of blew it. Rather than it being a nice thing it just went sour and he was pretty cold towards me (which he is like he hates showing emotion) which made me even more emotional and I kind of felt like that crazy ex so might have to pretend i was drunk when i phoned him. Must have done a bit of damage there. So..... im so sorry that was so long. I go back to work him tomorrow and I dont know what to do anymore. Its going to be the frequently seeing him and I have a lot of feelings for him. There is apart of me that wants to get back with him but only if it can be a healthy relationship of course. I dont think he's coping too well with his life. I have very mixed feelings about it all I just want whats best really he is my best friend and I think its the same for him we cant seem to let each other go by the sounds of things. He jumps from one relationship to the other and is hardly single but he's not had a girlfriend since we split and says he cant right now though im very sure he's trying to bless him. Thank you so much if youve read all this any advice will be appreciated to pieces and honesty as well! I know Im not bloody perfect look at me my life is dripping tap of drama! (which he hates drama, I did warn him that my life has a lot going on and that I wasnt ready for a relationship which is one of the few things I can say Im pleased I did!)
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