Recovering from Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend

[hopefullove]

Hi guys

Well, i was wrong.

I thought my boyfriend loved me sooooooo much.

From what I have learned from reading all the commitment phobic literature on the first 20 pages in google, it's that when in a relationship with a commitment phobe, you get sucked in so hard, thinking they love you sooooo much, "brainwashed",thinking you were everything they wanted, and what you had was soooo incredible, we fell in love so hard, everything seemed perfect, and we both never had this connection before, and i thought he was the one. I am so angry because he knows what he is, but he still went along with it because he thought this time it would be different, and I didnt know until the second we were done. The signs were there, he ran away from an engagement before, his long list of failed relationships, all short, ours being the longest continuous one he said, at 8 months. I just, wanted to believe it was real so bad.

 

What I am right now is really confused. And it has been 3 months post break up, what I thought we had was amazing and life changing. But when he freaked out, just as it went from 0 to 120, it quickly went back to 0... he refused to talk about it, everything was "end of discussion"... He said he couldn't deal with the stress. I believe him, that the anxiety was too much, it was giving him IBS. Like, he is THAT phobic.

 

When we broke up, (over a fight... i started to feel neglected, I started to feel taken for granted, he was nit picking on a lot of stuff, and i was suffering from my own anxiety because of his moodiness, it wasn't a fight that wasn't fixable, and his wanting a break turned into the eminent break up), he said, he ran away every time, he said he thought it wouldn't happen this time, that he didn't know what he wanted... throughout the next few months, I would press him from answers, and here and there I would get some.

 

The summary was that he hates commitment and when he starts thinking about kids and marriage he starts freaking out. And it's not just relationships he can't commit to, it's everything, work, everyday situations... also, he said that if he didn't care, he would have dragged this out even longer than the 1 month break where he pulled me along with his silent indecisions, where he was only physically there, still living with me, but withdrawing more every day. He wants me to move on, he acknowledges he has many issues, and realizes they also stem from childhood. But he said he doesn't want to involve me in them. He said he will never forget me, and that he feels guilty, that there is a deep internal pain. All this i pretty much had to pry out of him bit by bit.

 

This is my second time in love, my first love, it took me 4 years go get over, actually it took him to get me over... so I know it is possible to move on. But, I love this guy so much, and I know the only way to get over it is to forget it and move on but right now I'm having a really hard time. I keep thinking that it wasn't real, and i keep getting mad. I keep thinking it wasn't worth it to him to try, and i keep getting mad. I think i am pretty well adjusted, with great family and friends and self esteem (which was a red flag because this guy started treating me with disrespect and I can't allow myself to put up with it, and backed out).. but I love him.

 

Is there a point? What is the best thing to do? Do commitment phobes ever change? He said he doesn't know what will happen in the future, but we can't be together right now. It sounds like he is in a lot of pain too, I have a lot of anger, and he will listen to me vent, he doesn't ignore me... but keeps telling me to move on.

[Just smile]

Having been involved with a man you describe for four years I can honestly sympathize with you, ready my previous posts from the beginning.Men like this are very manipulative. Very cunning. Mine loved me but also only wanted me when he wanted me. He compartmentalize the entire relationship. I was a trophy for him and when he would break it off as he did numerous times he always and I mean ALWAYS came back. This time I broke it off, and believe me this is the hardest thing I've done,because I was being antoangoized , now this ******* is basking in the sun in Florida, not thinking of me at all. I guarantee you when he Returns he will begin the begging, and if he doesn't well, then that's my greatest New Years gift, these types of me do not move forward and it truly is toxic.

[Ariella1984]

Hi hopefullove,

 

How are you doing? I am going through a similar situation as you. My thread is in the Breaking Up Section, entitled "Commitmentphobe Mindf&8k". It's so hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it? These guys were the one's that initiated everything, wanted everything with us and then bam-gone. From what I have read, it seems the only way these people can change is through therapy. Sadly, there is nothing we can do and as long as they go on as they are, they will just keep repeating the same patterns over and over. Very tragic

[youngnlove89]

Oh girl!! I can COMPLETELY relate to you. If you have time, go and check out some of my former posts on here. I was with a commitment phobe for a year and a half. We were on and off, back and forth until recently, a month ago, things finally ended. FOR THE BETTER.

 

Do they change? Unfortunately they do not. This is the thing about commitment phobes, they can't commit to anything, including letting you go. This is why these relationships tend to be off and on. Until finally someone gets fed up and ends it. Usually him. Because every time we take them back we are teaching them that we are weak and vulnerable and lack self esteem. Because why else would a confident person take back a schmuck?

 

It took my commitment phobe A YEAR to tell me he loves me. But he never wanted to move in together and he constantly reminded me about his feelings of marriage, or lack thereof. He said it wasn't in him to ever get married. He wanted kids, but wasn't in any rush. He loved me, but "not that way". He said I was only 95% the one. And then before I could even grasp the things he was saying, he would be kind and sincere. Kiss my hand, give me back rubs, tell me I'm so special and he loves me, write me cute notes, did simple cute gestures. It confused the heck out of me.

 

Don't let the way they treat you fool you. They go from being emotionally sincere to being emotionally constipated. They are up and down. They don't know what they want. All this resides in THEM, not you. It isn't your fault.

 

Best thing for YOU to do is to make him disappear. Don't succumb to his ploy indirection's. He wants you wrapped around his finger while he tries to figure out if you are really what he wants. Guess what, a guy who really wants you, will know offhand right from the get-go. He doesn't have to second guess or need time away from you to realize this!

 

It took me too long to realize that these types of people don't change. I blamed myself for awhile, thinking it was me that did something wrong. But no, I'm an intelligent articulate sexy woman and I deserve the best. As do you.

 

Do you want to be with someone who has to constantly wonder whether he wants to be with you or not? It's exhausting, it's stressful. I found myself angry and bitter a lot being with my ex. I was unhappy because he was so confused about me, about us, about him. It was toxic and detrimental.

 

It's going to be a long haul for you. You are going to be confused, mixed up, and feeling out of control for awhile. You will miss him and he will miss you. But don't confuse that with him wanting to change. He can't.

 

But I promise you, you will soon realize it was for the best. Although, I'm sure you can't fathom that right now.

 

Go read my threads and you will see the ups and down I went through being with him.

 

If I can do this, you sure as hell can.

[GG3]

Ugh. I went through a breakup with one of these back in July and I still think about him everyday. The stories are all the same. Mine kept pushing to be friends with seems to be another CP trait and I finally had to write a nice email informing him that I needed to block things. Even after that he attempted to contact me. My impression of these types is that they can't change without some real commitment to therapy and looking inward...instead of blaming everyone else.

 

I think what really hurt the most are all the stupid little criticisms, half of them weren't even true. I'm still working to get some of those criticisms out of my mind. Or him wanting to remain friends so badly. Kind of hard for a woman to do that after falling for someone and sleeping with someone for months and then being rejected.

[NoMoreJerks]

Oh girl!! I can COMPLETELY relate to you. If you have time, go and check out some of my former posts on here. I was with a commitment phobe for a year and a half. We were on and off, back and forth until recently, a month ago, things finally ended. FOR THE BETTER.

 

Do they change? Unfortunately they do not. This is the thing about commitment phobes, they can't commit to anything, including letting you go. This is why these relationships tend to be off and on. Until finally someone gets fed up and ends it. Usually him. Because every time we take them back we are teaching them that we are weak and vulnerable and lack self esteem. Because why else would a confident person take back a schmuck?

 

It took my commitment phobe A YEAR to tell me he loves me. But he never wanted to move in together and he constantly reminded me about his feelings of marriage, or lack thereof. He said it wasn't in him to ever get married. He wanted kids, but wasn't in any rush. He loved me, but "not that way". He said I was only 95% the one. And then before I could even grasp the things he was saying, he would be kind and sincere. Kiss my hand, give me back rubs, tell me I'm so special and he loves me, write me cute notes, did simple cute gestures. It confused the heck out of me.

 

Don't let the way they treat you fool you. They go from being emotionally sincere to being emotionally constipated. They are up and down. They don't know what they want. All this resides in THEM, not you. It isn't your fault.

 

Best thing for YOU to do is to make him disappear. Don't succumb to his ploy indirection's. He wants you wrapped around his finger while he tries to figure out if you are really what he wants. Guess what, a guy who really wants you, will know offhand right from the get-go. He doesn't have to second guess or need time away from you to realize this!

 

It took me too long to realize that these types of people don't change. I blamed myself for awhile, thinking it was me that did something wrong. But no, I'm an intelligent articulate sexy woman and I deserve the best. As do you.

 

Do you want to be with someone who has to constantly wonder whether he wants to be with you or not? It's exhausting, it's stressful. I found myself angry and bitter a lot being with my ex. I was unhappy because he was so confused about me, about us, about him. It was toxic and detrimental.

 

It's going to be a long haul for you. You are going to be confused, mixed up, and feeling out of control for awhile. You will miss him and he will miss you. But don't confuse that with him wanting to change. He can't.

 

But I promise you, you will soon realize it was for the best. Although, I'm sure you can't fathom that right now.

 

Go read my threads and you will see the ups and down I went through being with him.

 

If I can do this, you sure as hell can.

This post is so awesome on so many levels -- so very accurate, and so full of wisdom. And so eerily similar to my experiences.

[hopefullove]

So I bought Men Who Can't Love, and He's Scared, She's Scared, as so many people had recommended online, I read thru Men Who Can't Love in a flash. WOW! So many people said that those books played out their whole relationship, but it honestly did. From the beginning woo-ing stages where I was perfect and the one he had been looking for, and the illusion of the best boyfriend in the world, to the middle and the end, which for me, came really close together.

 

I blamed myself for so long! He let me take the blame, and also the nit-picking. Isn't it so insane they all do this?

All of a sudden in the last month, i was a horrible person because I didn't open the blinds in the morning! Or basically he was miserable because the parking spot was too small. what? insane!!!

 

The part for me that hurt the most, was he was constantly looking for something better. I could sense it, i mean, the last 3 months of our relationship... something felt off, and yes, i got more insecure because something wasn't adding up. Now I know that my feelings were warranted. I know what kind of person i am, I am funny, smart, loving, genuine, attractive girl, I'm a great catch! But wow, did he ever make me feel like crap about myself. It's subtle if you don't know what you're looking for. Which I didn't! I was so confused why I was getting so paranoid. But knowing that they do break you down, break down your self esteem, by always criticizing you, and making you feel not enough... that was my life... I was so confused... he was so perfect and loved me so much, then all of a sudden, it was like he couldn't stand being around me.

 

I haven't been keeping track of our N/C. Yesterday would have been our 1 year anniversary... i know it means nothing now... but thinking about how it started. It makes me really sad. I kept texting him for answers, and they never want to give any (before)... he got mad that I wasn't letting it go, I said i was looking for an apology. HAHA the fool insisted that he had already apologized several times... UM like i would forget that? What kind of state of mind is he in that he can't even remember NOT apologizing for treating me like crap???

 

I found his online dating profile. he said he doesn't go on anymore. But it basically said he ended his long term relationship and was there looking for something better. It made me so angry.

 

He told me he thinks he needs therapy. I guess it is all up to him.

I think about what we had, and i think about if I can forgive him, for how he treated me, or even trust him, I don't know.

 

 

OH.

So true about them can't commit fully to breaking up. The books i read, they say how they like to hang on to your stuff. it's hilarious! He hung on to my keys for a month after he moved out. He still has my itouch that i have asked for 6 times, each time he was in a position to bring it back because he was picking up stuff or just around. nope. He also said he can't commit to other things, it just all makes sense now... we have spent days looking for shoes for him and he couldn't commit to a pair of shoes!

 

Anyway!

Those books were fantastic!

EVERYTHING was accurate, from things he would say "if you love me, then you would understand" "i need more time" "we're great together but we can't live together" "i dont know what i want" "we're just not compatible" to how he actually got anxiety attacks and headaches and stomach problems! WOW that is so messed up! Also OH. about the sexual rejection. yeah, that messes up your ego to, well my ego. I mean since we met, i had progressively gotten more and more in shape and in the end, there was a no touching policy. Don't worry, they do that to everyone. They can't live with their guilt.

 

Man, it is a messed up arena in their head.

 

I am so glad for this forum. I was really down today and was thisclose to seeing how he was doing. but for why.... I need to take care of myself.

[GG3]

All of a sudden in the last month, i was a horrible person because I didn't open the blinds in the morning! Or basically he was miserable because the parking spot was too small. what? insane!!!

 

This made me laugh about the blinds. Mine actually brought it up against me that I "don't really drink milk." "Huh?" I said. "I never see you drink it!" Seriously...it was a small confrontation. I thought, "Wow...I've never had anyone not want to be with me for not casually drinking milk around the house...yeah that's a real relationship problem there." I still don't understand that one.

 

I'm sorry about what he wrote in his online profile. How awful!!

[hopefullove]

This made me laugh about the blinds. Mine actually brought it up against me that I "don't really drink milk." "Huh?" I said. "I never see you drink it!" Seriously...it was a small confrontation. I thought, "Wow...I've never had anyone not want to be with me for not casually drinking milk around the house...yeah that's a real relationship problem there." I still don't understand that one.

 

I'm sorry about what he wrote in his online profile. How awful!!

 

omg LOL

what the hell? that is so ridiculous! because you don't drink milk? That makes no sense what so ever!!!! i dont understand what goes on in their head. I'm glad i read those books because they explained to me that they will make up any excuse or find any sort of fault to legitimize getting away. And usually it's things that are beyond your control, or things that have always existed but seem to be a problem all of a sudden.

 

he made me feel so bad about myself.

i told him he was making me feel like **** once, he said that i made myself feel like ****. that it was about self confidence.

it's such a jekyll and hyde thing going on that it is so confusing as where the man who loved me so much went. And it's so hard to believe what was real.

 

I told him i saw it. what he wrote. he just laughed it off. that's all he does. his "lol's" of shame. and guilt. he said to me, maybe i will find a man who won't find my traits so annoying. I feel he is such a horrible person! People say, oh dont go off on your ex, don't dump on your ex. i dont know why. when i think of these things, and remember these things and how much he hurt me. and then i remember all the things and how he treated me when he loved me. and moving from love to hate was just a switch.

 

I dont understand. I'm a lot better than i was a few months ago. But i am so hurt.