JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Hey guys, long story short had a VERY bad breakup with the love of my a few years ago (got back together once half way) and he's been in and out of my life until 4 months ago driving me nuts! (saying he loves me and cant live without me then dissapearing for months before reapprearing, rinse and repeat 4/5 times...) Got with a guy I knew 18months ago, we live close by and have mutual friends and he'd also had a bad breakup around the same time so we agreed to have a FWB situation. Started off well, he was very attentive (buying gifts, cute texts etc) and it slowly went downhill. I was not so keen to put out when he was being complacent so have finished it with him a number of times but keep going back. He drives me mad as is so hot and cold, one minute suggesting dates, holidays together or popping round with small gifts and the next still chatting but a bit more aloof. He is sweet and always answers my calls + texts and helps me if I need anything but is not making the effort like he used to (atm). Good thing is he's help me get over the ex but I can't stand this unconsistent behaviour. I dont want him to be my BF but just want to do fun things now and again (I have explained this) so it doesnt get boring. It's never been a real booty call thing as we do hang out and chat, cuddle etc but dont actually go 'out' much. He has major issues with his ex (they have a kid) and I know he has been burnt so that may be why he blows hot and cold but feel like I'm yet again in an unhealthy 'relationship'. Anyway I started NC 5 days ago but fell of the wagon so am back on it so would appreciate your thoughts on this situation and I'll keep you updated on how I go! PS Did do NC for 5 weeks 3 months ago and tried to be just friends with him after (he answered my call and sounded pleased to hear from me) but he now says he cant be just friends but also once said he'd be upset if we didnt speak anymore. Thinking maybe I need to do NC for longer this time??
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Sounds more like you expect dating behavior... That's much different than FWB. 1
Author JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 yeah i know it sounds like that but it's more to keep things fun and exciting than act like boyfriend and girlfriend. Plus its being going on a long time now and any relationship needs a bit of effort to keep it from getting stale. He has agreed it's a good idea himself. I just get bored with the same old routine, even doing something random once a month or something. I'm not talking dinner or anything romantic but actually fun stuff (we went to the beach one day which was cool). He suggested a holiday twice before which I think is more overboard then going out for a few hours now and again. He moans we dont have sex anymore but then I dont want to when he's making less effort than he used to, I just find it a turn off!
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You need to get honest. This is not FWB. FWB actually have sex and NO expectations... And most times - nothing that looks like dating. Yours looks like you want dating and he's not interested in making more exclusive effort.
veggirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 2sunny is right. It sounds like you need to figure out what it is you actually want and then go after that. FWB shouldn't have to be attentive and buying gifts. It's supposed to be just about sex. Do you want a relationship with this guy? If you do, doesn't sound like you will get it so you should let him go. If you don't want a relationship, then I don't see the problem. You are surprised that your FWB is mad he isn't getting sex?!?!
veggirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 also, if your concern is keeping things spicy, what do you do to keep them that way? do you buy him gifts? do you surprise him? do you suggest dates?
Author JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 No I dont want to be his girlfriend (or wife!). Just like a bit of consistency and him being full on one week and then just casual and nice the next it makes me not want to give him anything as it drives me nuts! I just think FWB should be friends and benefits not just benefits in my eyes. and yes I do make the effort to spice things up but then dont bother when he goes on weird on me and then the tables turn and it starts again which is why I'm doing NC as it's not fun anymore like it used to be. I've never come across like I want to be his GF and have made it clear I dont want a BF and if I did I dont think of him like that. I just think it could be so much more fun than it has been lately, we almost became like an old married couple and I told him so too! Anyway NC it is as I obviously have different views on a long term FWB than everyone else today! Thanks for your replies so far x
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I NEVER understood FWB stuff...and from what I've heard from everyone who's tried it, it NEVER turns out well. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Sex isn't supposed to be recreation...don't treat it as such.
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I NEVER understood FWB stuff...and from what I've heard from everyone who's tried it, it NEVER turns out well. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Sex isn't supposed to be recreation...don't treat it as such.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Give the guy a break. You want to use him for your pleasure and he's probably out there trying to find a real girlfriend! Meanwhile you want gifts and attention like you're supposed to be his GF all while saying you don't want that! YOU are sending very mixed messages! If you just want sex - just do that! If you just want a friend - stop expecting all his time and attention - HE'S trying to find a REAL GF! You've said that's never gonna be you - so expect no time or attention but just booty call sex.
Author JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Yes you are right. to be honest I think we have both been giving mixed messages! I do really like him and have told him so but because I'm not 100% over my ex could not think about anything serious with anyone. Id like to have a chat to say we have both been giving each other mixed messages etc but do you think I should do nc for a month or so first so maybe by then we might be able to agree on what to do (or not do), eg FWB again or just friends or friends and see how we go??
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Yes you are right. to be honest I think we have both been giving mixed messages! I do really like him and have told him so but because I'm not 100% over my ex could not think about anything serious with anyone. Id like to have a chat to say we have both been giving each other mixed messages etc but do you think I should do nc for a month or so first so maybe by then we might be able to agree on what to do (or not do), eg FWB again or just friends or friends and see how we go?? I would let him go - so he can really find a gal that makes his life happiest.
Author JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 maybe you're right. dont just want him for sex but prob both a bit confused right now so will leave him be for a while..
Author JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 anyway I forgot to say I suggested we dont speak for a while after our last dissagreement but that maybe in a while we can hang out and do something fun and see what happens and he said he hopes so. we have spoke since (because of xmas etc) so do I need to reiterate that or just do NC? Dont want to repeat myself but dont want to dissapear now we've been talking again as I'm now conscious I'm giving as many mixed messages as him!!
crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Yes you are right. to be honest I think we have both been giving mixed messages! I do really like him and have told him so but because I'm not 100% over my ex could not think about anything serious with anyone. that's the end of the story right there. You're not over your ex yet. Also, just like i said, the FWB stuff ALWAYS ends up with someone getting hurt. If you aren't over your ex...or ready for anything serious...WHY are you having sex with someone? Doesn't having sex with someone sorta imply something SERIOUS?
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