The Angry Letter I Won't Send

[crashvector]

Verse 7 of 1 Corinthians keeps running through my mind right now.

It says "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Those last two words.

 

You see, when I made the comittment to you to marry you, I immediately erased any option of leaving you, except in the instance of infidelity or abuse. From that moment on, any problems we faced would have to be worked out between us because ending the relationship was no longer even on the table for me. You said "I am just as committed to this relationship as I would be if we were already married." I remember this VERY clearly, as we were sitting in your car under the carport talking before you went inside and i went to my car to go home.

 

Your acceptance to wanting to be married may have been sincere, but your resolve clearly was not. If it was, there was NO way you would have ended a five year long, committed relationship in which we were actively planning our wedding, over something like me asking you for more time alone, even if I DID do it in a manner that was incorrect. I had PROMISED you it was something I was working on...and I was, and love is PATIENT and it TRUSTS and it PERSEVERES.

 

We had other issues in the past...some mine..some yours. When i promised you that I would work and work and work on an issue until I resolved it, I never ONCE failed to deliver on those promises. Not once did I fail you in that regard. And this doesn't even take into consideration that you broke things off because you wouldnt shut your mouth and LISTEN to me. You didnt even read the email I sent you where I TOLD you: I asked for more time with you on Friday night because I made reservations for us at Bernadette's...you know...your favorite restaurant on the PLANET...to celebrate the fact that I got accepted to my first residency...you stubborn FOOL!

 

That's right. You ended our relationship over NOTHING!!! I kept trying to come clean and spoil the surprise because I didnt expect you to start yelling at me for saying "how about instead of being with the kids, we spend the evening alone?" I was TRYING to surprise you, you stubborn fool! You never even gave me the CHANCE to tell you about the reservations because you wouldn't shut your mouth long enough for me to get a single word in before you hung up the phone in my face! Who feels REALLY stupid about now huh?! Do you feel like a complete dumbass? You should.

 

In your last email to me, you said you could no longer be patient with me while I worked on the LAST issue that even YOU admitted was the last issue you could complain about. If you could no longer be PATIENT with me, or TRUST that i would be able to conquer this small thing, or PERSEVERE until I did...then you did NOT love me, so please do NOT lie to me anymore and tell me you still love me.

 

You see, every single time I told you I loved you Suzanne, I MEANT it from the deepest place in my soul. Once we agreed to marry, its no longer just as simple as "you made me mad one time too many and now I'm breaking up with you." If the other person makes you angry repeatedly and they TELL you that they are trying very hard to change something, if you love them, you are PATIENT with them...you TRUST that they will keep working until its fixed...and you PERSEVERE with them until they do. ESPECIALLY when the other person has never broken a promise to you before. In fact, you know DAMNED well that I have moved heaven and earth to keep even small promises because its SO important to me to keep my word. I dont care how insignificant it is...if I give someone my word, i will DIE trying to keep it and you know this better than anyone else. You have SEEN me do it.

 

You have SEEN me defend perfect strangers at risk to my own LIFE because that is my nature. You SAW me that night I stepped in between that little black kid and the guy holding the gun to his head and you heard me when I told the guy "You wanna shoot someone...shoot ME! This kid's just 13 years old...let him go home to his mother." You KNOW the kind of man I am. And you just threw me away. Are you out of you MIND?!

 

You do NOT just up and leave. Especially when there are six or seven other people involved who would be VERY hurt.

 

What the hell is wrong with you that you can just walk away like this?! Your oldest son has asperger's and I've told you before that I can see some of the same traits in you. You got mad at me, but damn...if THIS isn't proof, I don't know what else to say. It runs in your family...and would explain how you can just end our engagement in such a spectacuarly cold-hearted manner. Seriously...after all the love I gave you, do you not think I at least deserved for you to end things with me in PERSON instead of over the goddamn phone?! Or were you too scared to face me...to much of a coward to see the look in my eyes....to watch the light of the burning love I had for you in my eyes turn into pain while you broke my heart?

 

I gave you my heart and soul...and you threw it away. You know what they say "One person's garbage is another person's treasure." I know DAMNED well that some woman will be MORE than happy to have a man like me in her life one day...I just have to find her. I was REALLY hoping that woman would be you...I used to pray to God that it would be you...I begged the Lord above that it wold be you...and you just threw me away.

 

Not to be mean, but let's just look at the odds here: I'm 36 you are 53 about to be 54. I'm a male nurse, surrounded by attractive, smart women all day at work. You sit in an office and counsel people. Before you met me, you went on ONE date with some guy from New Orleans who was a "hot shot lawyer"...who barely had time for you. Let's not forget he was pushing 60 years old, and was so out of shape that he could barely walk up a flight of stairs much less dance you around a ballroom for 3 hours, or play 3 rounds of tennis with you...or ride 35 miles on a bike with you, etc etc etc.

Add to the fact that I have been taking 18 hours of classes Mon-Fri, plus working 16 hour shifts Sat and Sun just so that we would have a GOOD life together. All the while maintaining a 3.76 GPA by the way. I wanted to give you a life full of travel and adventure and memories. For YOU. Every night I could, I made sure you had a beautiful meal and a fire in the fireplace waiting for you when you came through the door.

 

If you are willing to give me up so easily....to give up the fact that you KNOW I would have spent the rest of my life trying everyday to make you feel special and beautiful and accepted..and absolutely adored and loved....then either I was absolutely terrible to you...or you are absolutely COMPLETELY stupid. Im not really sure to be honest...but I DO know...I treated you well...so YOU do the math and tell me what YOU come up with.

Edited January 2, 2013 by crashvector

[crashvector]

I know it was long, and I could never send this to her, but if I could...this is what I would say.

 

thank you all for the space to vent.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Why won't you send it? Just wait for the boy to recover from surgery.

[crashvector]

because it would serve NO purpose at this point.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

It would make you feel better. =)

[Samilia]

It's a good thing to have written this letter, even better than you didn't send it. I hope it made you feel a bit better. My advice is that if you like writing, start writing in a notebook, it helps with everything, not only the break ups.

[TaraMaiden]

It's a good thing to have written this letter, even better than you didn't send it. I hope it made you feel a bit better. My advice is that if you like writing, start writing in a notebook, it helps with everything, not only the break ups.

 

I agree, but only up to a point.

The disadvantage with a notebook, is that you have the opportunity to read, and to keep re-reading everything you've hitherto written. And much of it could be heart-wrenching stuff, full of pain, anguish, distress, anger and resentment.

 

And keeping a notebook/journal, actually also serves to keep that pain alive, because by re-reading - you re-live, and cannot move forward.

 

The best thing to do, is actually what's known as a type of "Free-Writing" Where you just write all your thoughts on the subject; no particular order, just as they arise in your mind.

Now, your mind works faster than your hand, so it may all come out in a confused jumble.

That's ok.

In fact, as the link suggests, forget grammar, spelling, capitals, punctuation, and all literary composition rules.

Just - vent.

Let it all out. Spew forth everything.

 

Then, when you're done, take it outside, somewhere in the open (where it's safe to do so!) and burn it.

Let it go, tell it you're done with that, and you don't want that schytt living in your mind any more.

Wave it goodbye, and watch the ashes being carried away on the breeze. Be determined that now it's all out of your system, that's where it can stay.

 

Damn, but trust me on this one - it feels soooo good.....

[crashvector]

I do that HERE. lol

[todreaminblue]

i think those words from corinthians are just and true

 

 

you would not have to say anything else just that sentence and that in all simplicity, says everything that needs to be said

 

 

the bible to me has word perfect truth...how i know this is i didnt actually know that slice of heaven you just quoted until i read it from you....but i have lived it in my heart all my life not only in love.it is what i have held true not knowing the exact words or how to say it... and even though it doesnt or hasnt applied to me yet in receiving.....one day ill meet someone that holds that truth close to their heart too...and i will get back what i give...perseverance is hard, but ultimately....worth every tear fear,sadness and joy that it brings........keep writing, keep your values true not just between the pages of heavenly simplicity...never write them in anger..I know you will find the lover who will be your wife and who is right for you....deb

[crashvector]

i think those words from corinthians are just and true

 

 

you would not have to say anything else just that sentence and that in all simplicity, says everything that needs to be said

 

 

the bible to me has word perfect truth...how i know this is i didnt actually know that slice of heaven you just quoted until i read it from you....but i have lived it in my heart all my life not only in love.it is what i have held true not knowing the exact words or how to say it... and even though it doesnt or hasnt applied to me yet in receiving.....one day ill meet someone that holds that truth close to their heart too...and i will get back what i give...perseverance is hard, but ultimately....worth every tear fear,sadness and joy that it brings........keep writing, keep your values true not just between the pages of heavenly simplicity...never write them in anger..I know you will find the lover who will be your wife and who is right for you....deb

 

Thanks my aussie friend

 

its just awfully hard to move forward.

[Samilia]

I agree, but only up to a point.

The disadvantage with a notebook, is that you have the opportunity to read, and to keep re-reading everything you've hitherto written. And much of it could be heart-wrenching stuff, full of pain, anguish, distress, anger and resentment.

 

And keeping a notebook/journal, actually also serves to keep that pain alive, because by re-reading - you re-live, and cannot move forward.

 

The best thing to do, is actually what's known as a type of "Free-Writing" Where you just write all your thoughts on the subject; no particular order, just as they arise in your mind.

Now, your mind works faster than your hand, so it may all come out in a confused jumble.

That's ok.

In fact, as the link suggests, forget grammar, spelling, capitals, punctuation, and all literary composition rules.

Just - vent.

Let it all out. Spew forth everything.

 

Then, when you're done, take it outside, somewhere in the open (where it's safe to do so!) and burn it.

Let it go, tell it you're done with that, and you don't want that schytt living in your mind any more.

Wave it goodbye, and watch the ashes being carried away on the breeze. Be determined that now it's all out of your system, that's where it can stay.

 

Damn, but trust me on this one - it feels soooo good.....

 

I have a diary, notebook, whatever we want to call it. I don't read what I write, it's rare. It does help me to dump my emotions on paper, and not all over my friends and family.

 

It also helps me see clearer when I need it. There has been some times where I was surprised by what I had written, thoughts I didn't know were there.

 

I agree that it doesn't contain a lot of happy thoughts, I hide it when I have company. It's a part of me that I don't want someone to see. Not that I would never share my private thoughts, it's just that they're intimate and intimacy isn't given to just anybody.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

The more you accumulate troves of such stuff and keep it to yourself, the more you internalize it, and the angrier and bitterer you will be. It's better just to express yourself to this woman and feel good and powerful and right. She left you a nervous wreck after five years and you think she doesn't even deserve to feel bad about it. Let her know Crash, or this won't leave your mind.