Chain is finally broken...but why do I still feel like this

January 2, 2013

Hey guys. Those who have seen my story knows whats going on, so I'm not going to get much into it. To be honest, I'm f****** sick of all of this s*** anymore. I want to stop thinking about any of this. I want to stop waking up and crying being a 26 year old man. I'm tired of all this, so I tired to "end the madness" on my end...and YET I still kill myself over it. WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT?!?!?!?!? "Oh, stabbing myself with this knife hurts, I think I'll keep stabbing myself."

(EX gf three years broke up with me. Said feelings changed or whatever. Likes someone else but is still not with him because "She doesnt want to date anyone." Bulls***)

Okay, so on 3am on the 31st, I send a message to her. This was more or less like a "'I'm done" message. I was told IF I had to say something, say that then go NC forever. So I sent this pretty long message saying I do care about you, and if there was any way to change the past I would, etc etc but there is nothing else I can do to make you see what I feel or what I would do, so I have to move on." There was more, pretty deep message, but that was it. Honestly, I WANTED her not to text back. I texted it at 3am so I wouldnt have to sit around my phone and wait around for her to possibly text. I could just send it and go to sleep. Sent it, and I went to sleep.....

NOW AGAIN LET ME REPHRASE THAT I DID NOT WANT HER TO TEXT BACK!!!! So, I'm pretty sick on the 31st, so I sleep a LOT (till about 3pm...its raining and I'm exhausted.) So, I wake up then, and there is no message from her. Again, I didn't want her to text...maybe it was because I subconsciously had a dream about her or something, but I was ticked I didnt get a message back lol. It's usually when I first wake up, I feel like I want/need to talk to her, so I do need to block her number...but the text goes likes this:

Me-"did you at least get my message"

Her- "Yes, I just dont know what you want me to say."

Me- "You obviously know what I WANT you to say."

Her-"I'm sorry"

Me-"I just dont understand why you are so negative on giving me another chance.

Her-"I dont want to talk about this anymore. Its exhausting

Me-"While I agree with you that it is annoying, doesn't mean it doesnt hurt me less.

Her-"I am sorry you hurt. I really am"

So, for some reason, I get into fighting mode. I have NOT got mad at her since the BU three months ago....I have sorta in my mind, but NEVER to her. I should have, she left me high and dry, dragged me on for a month and a half saying I love you and I will be back I swear, doesnt pay her part of rent, leaves me, treats me like trash, etc.......So I start getting short with her. She says "I.Dont.Want.To.Date.You. That is it. I dont want to start dating because I don't want to date anyone. We can be friends. That is all. You dont want that, so there is nothing else I can do. And I said "Of course I don't. That's being demoted to the minor leagues when I was playing in the minors." I just told her imagine its hard for her to give to sh**s about it, but you'll never know what its like. She goes "Yeah I do I know its hard." SHE HAS NOT HAD THIS DONE. SHE WAS IN AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP WIT SOMEONE FOR TWO YEARS AND THEY SAW EACHOTHER ONCE AND SHE WAS LIKE 16. She is going to tell me she knows....that made me angry. I told her "Try paying bills when you lose your job, and then have you gf need to go on a "Personal Journey" aka, I'm too much of a chicken s*** to just break up with my BF, so I have to lie about it for months so I don't look like the bad guy." . I felt good on that one. First time I didnt feel like a whimp. Of course, because its true, she got furious. She was like "Thats horses***. I left to go to therapy and find myself and I did. I am not longer insecure and spineless. I am a confident woman now and not a pushover and (more women rights stuff. Not being sexist, I just cant remember). I left you for multiple reasons (Its one thing, I've counted 8 different reasons at one point as to the MAIN reason, but there was never a solid one answer) and one of those is your irrational outburst which you are doing now (Once in almost three years did I show that. Playing Monopoly...I get REALLY competitive. Who buys the cheap property in front of GO and loads up hotels on them???)

Anyways, I go 'I've always been there for you. Why would you even say this stuff?" She goes "Go Away"....then goes "I'm tired of being accused of your problems (never did) and "leave me alone now because you have PISSED me off." So I told her again, I do care, but it is what it is. I went on celebrating New Years day. I sent her a Happy New Year text at 12:01.....I get a drunk text at 3am making NO sense saying "happy nte year. Sorcery, I'm pure." lol. So, I wake up today, a brand new year, and ALL I can think about is HER still. It's so annoying to me anymore. I miss her more than I ever have missed someone before, and she just throws me away. I did EVERYTHING for her. She had brand new apartment with brand new furniture, a new bed (bought an air foam mattress...didnt even like it, but did it for her), drove her everywhere since she didnt have a car, took her out to eat a bunch...etc etc etc. And yet, HERE WE ARE. I'm so mad about this and I'm tired of worrying about every single thing ever. I'm not going to contact her again, its just really really really hard. UGH

January 2, 2013

I'm not going to contact her again, its just really really really hard. UGH

I will take that bet.

January 2, 2013

Her-"I am sorry you hurt. I really am"

No. She's. Not.

Now go NC and leave her alone. You're just annoying her now, and you look very desperate in all of this.

January 2, 2013

DUDE. What are you doing? I mean stop torturing yourself. Its over. Go NC already.

January 2, 2013

For everything that is Holy!!! Will you PLEASE start NC!!! The only thing you accomplished with those text is justifying her reasons for dumping because, "He's a psychotic douche rocket" and now doesn't have to feel bad about how things ended or how she treated you. To reference Monopoly, you gave her a Get out of Jail Free card.

Go NC. Heal and move on. Start your own personal journey!

January 2, 2013

Her-"I am sorry you hurt. I really am"

No. She's. Not.

Now go NC and leave her alone. You're just annoying her now, and you look very desperate in all of this.

I think she is sorry he is hurt but like she said what does he want her to say? It's over and OP is going to have to face it. When someone has broken up with you and you continue to beg them back, knowing they don't want to go back, it makes the dumper start to hate you. OP just leave her alone and accept that it is over between you.

January 2, 2013

I feel your pain son! But, you know what you gotta do now man. NC, you just hurting YOU at this stage. Its one of the hardest pills too swallow when you suddenly realise that, whilst you are depressed as hell, your ex is happy and not even thinking about you. Its at this stage man, when you wake up and really force yourself to move on.

NEVER CALL HER AGAIN. Dont give her ego extra boosts

January 2, 2013

This might be the funniest thread I've ever read.....oh s***, it's mine haha. We had legends on here (Cav, stilla, and D) come on here and tell me I'm dumb and they are right obviously. I'm nowhere near proud of what I did. I'm glad I got mad, however, because she's been blowing smoke for months and me getting angry hasnt made me sad about her for the past two days. It's her birthday today too and I haven't said a thing. I appreciate the responses, they made me laugh

January 3, 2013

Well her Birthday came and gone and no word from me. Granted, this isn't some huge movement for me or anything, but not telling her that after celebrating three years of them...I do feel like that is kinda of a big deal for me. Like a little moral victory. She didnt say anything to me, I didnt say anything to her.....its so weird though still to me. Not the birthday part.....but just breakups in general. I know feelings change and people dont have the same feelings anymore and thats fine I get that....its just....its so random at times and you look back at all the good times and wonder how in the HELL could someone leave something that was so sure

.....for instance....my GF was 18 about to turn 19 when I met her. Throughout our time together, we went to Florida twice (Destin and Orlando), Disney World (she didnt pay a dime. I did one of those clinical studies where they make you take pills and stuff and test your results. I didnt have a lot of money because I was a college student so I did one of those for two weeks and got enough money so she could a full week paid vacation in a nice hotel and every park), went on a road trip to Wisconsin once, stayed at a VERY expensive hotel on a luxury suite for valentines day. On top of these things, she didnt have a car so I let her borrow mine all the time without having her pay for gas, I bought a nice apartment for us to live with brand new couches, bed, and even a cat for her. I did SO MUCH for this girl and for what? I had one depressing month where I was depressed at work, so she says I didnt show her enough affection and caring. TWO MONTHS BEFORE THAT I WAS BEING POKED AND TESTED ON SO YOU CAN HAVE A F****** NICE VACATION INSTEAD OF US SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE. How is that "Not showing enough affection?" She turned 22 yesterday and still doesnt understand how much I have done for her....either that, or just wants new meat I dont even know.....it just irritates me that I have tried everything in my power to make her happy and yet she wasn't? Ugh

January 3, 2013

Your problem is that you did do everything. You became a pushover, you became boring, you became easy. When you give someone everything, they become spoiled and they take your kindness for granted. I'm not suggesting that you become Scrooge McDuck and become cheap, but don't be a doormat either. And please maintain NC. That whole text or whatever and subsequent argument was just painful to read and probably even more painful to go through.

January 3, 2013

This might be the funniest thread I've ever read.....oh s***, it's mine haha. We had legends on here (Cav, stilla, and D) come on here and tell me I'm dumb and they are right obviously. I'm nowhere near proud of what I did. I'm glad I got mad, however, because she's been blowing smoke for months and me getting angry hasnt made me sad about her for the past two days. It's her birthday today too and I haven't said a thing. I appreciate the responses, they made me laugh

Hey bud. I appreciate the compliment. I don't feel like a legend. Sh*t i just joined in October. Lol and am still recovering myself. But thanks. Made me feel good!

I know it is tough. All that stuff you did with her to make her happy. It is like it was flushed down the toilet.

I personally. Over 8 years, Went with my ex to hospital, got her medicine, went to appointments with her, took off work, gave her money when she needed extra, negotiated car deals for her picked out car, got her a job on the side that netted her 10k in a month helping me out with my business, took her and sometimes her family on trips to puerto rico, san fran, AC you name it.

Helped her family go thru a BK, got lawyer, negotiated with bank and cleaned their credit report, setup computers for her, wireless network, printer, made food her, brought her coffee in the morning at work. Helped her with school. Tons of sacrifices that i enjoyed because i loved her.

Basically you name it. I was ALWAYS THERE FOR HER.

BUT who cares. I doesn't matter. Except I'm glad i did those things. She still appreciates that i was in her life and what a great BF I was. I know it. She knows it.

But she left. So f*her. She is a great person and super nice but she is gone and isn't coming back. So f*her again. I need to recover and you do too. We cant become indifferent if we replay how unfair it is.

Soooo it isn't fair. They made a decision. It sucks. We did our best and should be happy about that. I also f*k ed up some things. But again who cares. Lessons learned.

I guess what i want to say is that we all gave it our best shot but it didn't work out for them. So stop thinking about the past and get on with the future. Get mad, at what happened, forgive, get mad again. But don't wallow in self pity. It is a form of being egotistical and self centered and will will hold you back. Resentments, fear, self centerdness, ego, will delay recovery. Try daily to let go, and regain some peace.

Hang in there. And please go NC to recover. Then all the unfairness of it all will not seem as important and you can begin to accept it is just part of life. You are going to come out of this super strong with a lot of wisdom. That is a huge plus for you next great love.

Rock on!

Cav

January 3, 2013

Your problem is that you did do everything. You became a pushover, you became boring, you became easy. When you give someone everything, they become spoiled and they take your kindness for granted. I'm not suggesting that you become Scrooge McDuck and become cheap, but don't be a doormat either. And please maintain NC. That whole text or whatever and subsequent argument was just painful to read and probably even more painful to go through.

Hey SIMON. Hope you doing good man!

I agree being a doormat is bad. I also did a ton for my ex. But i wasn't a doormat. I made sure i got my needs met and also gave a lot out of love.

So i don't know if the OP was a doormat or not. I think it is okay to make those sacrifices in the right way in a relationship and he should be commended as long as he wasn't a pussy.

But he is simply upset he gave it his all and it didn't work out. That is a tough pill to swallow for all of us. Many times while mourning my relationship i cried about how my best just want enough for her. This really helped me to understand i could move on without regrets. I tries sooo hard. But just couldn't hold onto her sooo. So No choice we need to let go.

January 3, 2013

Hey SIMON. Hope you doing good man!

I agree being a doormat is bad. I also did a ton for my ex. But i wasn't a doormat. I made sure i got my needs met and also gave a lot out of love.

So i don't know if the OP was a doormat or not. I think it is okay to make those sacrifices in the right way in a relationship and he should be commended as long as he wasn't a pussy.

But he is simply upset he gave it his all and it didn't work out. That is a tough pill to swallow for all of us. Many times while mourning my relationship i cried about how my best just want enough for her. This really helped me to understand i could move on without regrets. I tries sooo hard. But just couldn't hold onto her sooo. So No choice we need to let go.

I'm good cav, actually real good. The last few days (pretty much since Christmas) I've become truly indifferent. No anger, no regret, no sadness, no wanting to go back in time and say or do this or that. Who knows if this means I'm totally cured, I guess I could relapse, but I truly think I'm 99.5 percent back now. Hope things are well with you.

Anyway, I can see what he was talking about, it just read like "I did all of these things to make her like me and now she doesn't like me". I have no problem being generous or being nice, but I feel like those things are healthy if you never expect a reward for them. I don't regret anything I've ever done for any of my exes or anything I've given them because I gave it to give it, not to keep tabs. And my exes tended to return those favors in kind. Hell, the last one probably gave a lot more than I did. I'm just rambling, but yeah, it came off like he was trying to buy her companionship instead of doing it out of the goodness of his heart. If I'm wrong, completely disregard.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

January 3, 2013

I'm good cav, actually real good. The last few days (pretty much since Christmas) I've become truly indifferent. No anger, no regret, no sadness, no wanting to go back in time and say or do this or that. Who knows if this means I'm totally cured, I guess I could relapse, but I truly think I'm 99.5 percent back now. Hope things are well with you.

Anyway, I can see what he was talking about, it just read like "I did all of these things to make her like me and now she doesn't like me". I have no problem being generous or being nice, but I feel like those things are healthy if you never expect a reward for them. I don't regret anything I've ever done for any of my exes or anything I've given them because I gave it to give it, not to keep tabs. And my exes tended to return those favors in kind. Hell, the last one probably gave a lot more than I did. I'm just rambling, but yeah, it came off like he was trying to buy her companionship instead of doing it out of the goodness of his heart. If I'm wrong, completely disregard.

Man that is awesome that you are doing great and are over her! Congrats . I know its been a long trip! You've arrive at the post BU promised land i mean life has ups and down still but at least you've overcome this one and it is a biggy.

Ill never forget you post about running you into her at the parking garage and at the bar! Lol that was awesome and made me laugh like you wouldn't believe!

Even though this is thru the internet i really feel like you've been part of my BU class and appreciate all the help and reading your posts which are always good.

Man. I hope i get totally indifferent one day . Rock on! Cav

January 3, 2013

I'm good cav, actually real good. The last few days (pretty much since Christmas) I've become truly indifferent. No anger, no regret, no sadness, no wanting to go back in time and say or do this or that. Who knows if this means I'm totally cured, I guess I could relapse, but I truly think I'm 99.5 percent back now. Hope things are well with you.

Anyway, I can see what he was talking about, it just read like "I did all of these things to make her like me and now she doesn't like me". I have no problem being generous or being nice, but I feel like those things are healthy if you never expect a reward for them. I don't regret anything I've ever done for any of my exes or anything I've given them because I gave it to give it, not to keep tabs. And my exes tended to return those favors in kind. Hell, the last one probably gave a lot more than I did. I'm just rambling, but yeah, it came off like he was trying to buy her companionship instead of doing it out of the goodness of his heart. If I'm wrong, completely disregard.

Cav- Whats up man? I agree with you one hundred percent on what you said. It sucks big time because I felt like I gave it all I had. In fact, even after the BU, I feel like I gave her everything I had emotional wise. I told her things and feelings I know she will never hear from anyone else. It was weird for me to say those things, but I meant it. She didnt want to hear it so its whatever. She just kept saying I dont want to be in a relationship and I dont want to give you another chance. Keep trucking I guess

Simon-I can also consider you a legend because I've seen you around and helping me with my whining as well lol. To answer the questions between you and cav, I tried to treat my girlfriend like a princess. I wanted her to have the things she never had. She had a rough childhood and I knew it going in. She never had anyone to care for her, so I always wanted her to do stuff and feel stuff she never did ya know? She had huge bouts of depression and never dealt with her past. When she got everything and all my love, and I became a tad compliant, and things became kinda boring (adult), her 21 year old self who never had an actual BF decided to get the attention from someone else probably who knows. She keeps saying she just lost feelings, I didnt show enough affection blah blah...it was like 8 reasons and none of them stick to me. She now likes someone who has a GF and she wants to chance. I don't even know and it drives me crazy and makes me upset and makes me question love and makes me question myself and my self worth.....

I never did anything to get credit points added to my side. I did everything to see her smile. I loved her being happy, especially when she wasn't all the time. I guess.....if she had this issue of "feelings changing" or "becoming stagnant", I guess I was hoping she would give me the benefit of the doubt because I was always there for her. If she really had an issue and sat me down and told me, there would be NO way I would not take it seriously. She said "she told me" and I know she never did. Instead, she left one day crying uncontrollably saying "I'm depressed, need therapy" and I stood by her and gave her space and she says I love you every single day and I'll come back I swear..and then she drops me a month and a half later....THEN says she likes someone but doesn't want a relationship with him. It really makes me question myself because I tried. I really did. I've attempted to tell her how much I care and what not and she does NOT want to hear it. Says she never wants to come back to me. So it makes me sad and thus here we are.

January 3, 2013

Wow this is painful...and im sorry

Leave her alone...she sounds selfish, and its time for YOU to be selfish and take care of you.

January 3, 2013

Confused, it sounds like she simply has a case of the GIGS. She's young, immature and probably has no idea what she wants. Unfortunately, the immaturity and indecision has collateral damage, which is your relationship. All you can really do right now is work on you and let her do her thing. Not wait around for her. I think it's admirable that you wanted to give your girl all the stuff she never had, but you got to change your pitch selection sometimes. But that's something you'll learn and that's something that the next one will get to enjoy -- the new, improved, exciting you. You'll get there and it will be awesome. It'll take some time though.

But yeah, let this woman do her thing. If she wants to see what else is out there, let her.

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