Jseva Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) I can't find any place to express my feelings, and yeh, I found this forum. I just want to find someone to talk about him. I can't stop thinking about what had happened last month in 2012. Thought I could happily celebrate my new year eve with him, but unfortunately, it didn't turn up well. We are housemate. We have been living together for more than a year. During that time, I had fell in love with 2 guys at different time. He's the one, who always be there for me when things gone worst. Two of them are his friends and I just never have any feelings on him. I like him, as a friend and that's it. I remember the first time when I got rejected by one of his friend, I hided in my room and cried, he came and knocked on my door saying that he will make spagetti bolognese for me. And the next day, I saw an apple pie in the fridge with my name written on top. It was really touch and I just don't know what to say to him. I was so happy to have him as my housemate, he's just way too sweet to me. And now, we moved out from the flat to a house and we have a few new housemates. There's nothing happen during the first two months. But things get a bit complicated after I finished my uni's project. We got even more close because of that. He helped me a lot on my work and I remember that he chose to leave his work behind just to help me out for my deadline. I fell asleep on the sofa at 5.30am because I can't carry on my work anymore. And then I woke up at 8am because I need to get to uni before 10am. Guess what, he didn't slept for the whole night because he was trying to finish my work. This is not the first time. Furthermore, there was a day we were watching film together with other housemates. He was sitting next to me, and suddenly, he licked my ear. And that is how we got flirty with each other. We were laughing about that because he licked my face and my cheek! It was disgusting and I asked him to stop. He can't stop laughing at me and still carry on. It was a joke that time. (And also bully!) After that, everyone went back to their room and just us, chatting in the living room. I don't know why, it was quite romantic and I don't know how, we just started to kiss each other. That time, I was thinking, "Oh my god, I lost my first kiss!" Well, thinking back, I have no regret. We laughed and talked when we kissed. That was the time, when we got to know more about our life. I never kiss a guy before and both of us were really into it and we can't resist each other. I think kissing is an addiction. We went away for holidays during the Christmas, it was two weeks. During the two weeks, I secretly made a scarf for him. It was 29th of December, I got back from holidays. He was in the house and went to the door asking me how was Christmas. We had a long chat about our holidays in his room. It was sweet and nice, I love that moment and I will never forget that. I was waiting for a kiss because of my scarf, but ended up with a thank you? I don't want a thank you! I deserve a kiss okay! Don't you think so? and....... he refused. He was smiling and he thought it's funny to do that to me. FINE! Well well well, I kissed him after that and it was a force kiss. He said that would consider a rape and he wants to play his laptop!!! Hahahaa..... We spent a whole night together and yeh, I asked him about us. I said, do you have feelings on me? He kissed me. I was scared, I don't know why, I feel insecure when he done that. " I thought about being your girlfriend, what do you think? " He kept quiet.................. It was really hurt. Apparently, he said to me that it just won't work between us. He has no money for relationship and I deserve a guy who's a lot better than him. I knew, money is always the main problem to him and I said to him I don't mind. Besides, I left one more year to stay in London and I'm thinking to go to New York for an internship. He admitted that he will miss me when I go to New York, but it doesn't mean that I should stay for him. He said, he wants to see me success and marry a rich guy who could give me a better life. I don't care and I don't care!! You have no choice and you can't choose your family background. I understand that and I want you to know, I would like to give a try!! Why?? When I asked you for the one last kiss during the new year eve, you turned away. I started to cry, it was twelve, you gave me a hug and said Happy new year......... I'm sorry. You hold me really tight that night and when I asked you for the last time, do you have feelings on me, you said no. After that, you hold my hand and started to stare at it. You look sad when you were holding my hand but why? Why can't you tell me the truth so that I would be happily to let go. You said I'm like your very close friend and you think I need someone to look after me. You hope that I could quickly find a boyfriend and have a good life without you. Seriously, do you think I'm just gonna let you go like that? I don't want you to be alone! I get upset when you think I fancy another guy but not you. You said obviously you are not as hot as him, and I always think about him when I kissed you. No way! They got a few seconds of my attention, and you got all my attention. Do you understand me?! I'm so upset because you chose to let me go.......... I can't stop crying now and also last night, I was awake until 7am........... I dreamt about holding you for the whole night and when I woke up, it was my little Holland bear that I'm holding on............. To me, life is too short and I just want to go with the flow. I don't mind giving a try and we have more than a year to figure out you know? I know you can't even afford any concert tickets that I want to go or anything, but why can't we try? Why? I said to you during the new year that it will be the last time I kiss you and I promise I will try to let it go. I don't believe that you don't have feelings on me and you said please do. I told you I believe in what I feel from you and when you looked at me, you looked really sad. Hardly want to stare at me because I saw there were tears in your eyes. I know this sounds stupid but I mean it. I hope when you get a high pay job, becoming a wealthy man, if you still love me, please come back and beg for a second chance. Even I have a boyfriend, please give a try. If you want a man to become rich, he needs time. I always tell you that. You can do it. I want to see you done your eyes laser surgery, have nice suits on you, sexy hairstyle, put some weight on your body because you are too skinny. That's what you told me you gonna do when you have the money. I said I hope you could promise me for that and you didn't. I told you I will not be able to resist your sexy face by that time because you aren't bad looking at all. You are good looking. You just don't have the money to dress up yourself. Anyway, I think it's time for me to stop writing about you...... Do wish you could see this, but at the same time I don't want........ Because I want to respect your decision...... Hope you have a wonderful new year and yes, again, I do love you, you bastard x <3 Edited January 2, 2013 by Jseva
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