promises Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Apparently a few weeks ago when xMM declared NC he was going through 'therapy'. Yesterday, upon his breaking of NC for the 5th time, he emailed to say that he's now in 'treatment' and is trying to get better. Also, he was involved in some sort of vehicle accident, but, no one was hurt.. Apparently with alcohol? Wow. Now he's the victim. You can't make this stuff up. No mention of the fact that he's still trying to win his BS back, to which I've heard.
watergirl12 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It sounds like he is using his situation to try to get you to feel pity and come back to him. When you say he declared NC, he made this decision to end your relationship? If so, I can see why it is confusing that he made the NC rule and yet keeps breaking it.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Apparently a few weeks ago when xMM declared NC he was going through 'therapy'. Yesterday, upon his breaking of NC for the 5th time, he emailed to say that he's now in 'treatment' and is trying to get better. Also, he was involved in some sort of vehicle accident, but, no one was hurt.. Apparently with alcohol? Wow. Now he's the victim. You can't make this stuff up. No mention of the fact that he's still trying to win his BS back, to which I've heard. Change your number, dump the email address and create a new one this way you don't have to read about how everything is everybody else's fault and he's the poor victim. IF he was in an accident and he was drinking - Reguardless if nobody was hurt, he'll still be charged with DUI. 1
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 It sounds like he is using his situation to try to get you to feel pity and come back to him. When you say he declared NC, he made this decision to end your relationship? If so, I can see why it is confusing that he made the NC rule and yet keeps breaking it. He did the classic telling of the W that he was in love with me, left her only to return a short time later. I asked him never to contact me again to which all h*ll broke loose from the BS side to me. A few weeks past and he broke NC. Fast forward some time and he then declared "NC" after they apparently started therapy. I've changed my #, email, job, etc. My gut is his marriage is all but fallen apart and he contacts me when it's at its worst. Now that he's in 'treatment' I would suppose it's his last ditch effort to save the M. I hope he gets help in the real sense. He's a hurricane.
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 When his wife dumps him he will call you and say he has left her and started divorce proceedings. He is a confused man whose world is in shambles. He was in love with you within the affair compartment and once the compartment of the affair was broken everything fell apart. But, he loved you and is having withdrawal symptoms. But, don't get optimistic. this love only works in the affair bubble. In 'real life' who in their right mind would start a relationship with a man who is going through treatment and separated from his W?? Who in their right mind starts an A or stays as the OW? I guess I should raise my hand! This is the insanity of this whole thing. It is really quite ridiculous. The scary part is that he is very very broken at the moment and his life IS in shambles.
Tenacity Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 promises, I get where you are at. I can tell from your posts that you are still totally focused on ex-MM. I understand that... so well.... But.... he will continue to break No Contact for This Reason or That Reason for YEARS on end if you let him. There is always something. The point is, you are supposed to be moving on. Do you think you are ready to do that? I don't think you are. Please don't beat me up for saying that... but I have been there.
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 promises, I get where you are at. I can tell from your posts that you are still totally focused on ex-MM. I understand that... so well.... But.... he will continue to break No Contact for This Reason or That Reason for YEARS on end if you let him. There is always something. The point is, you are supposed to be moving on. Do you think you are ready to do that? I don't think you are. Please don't beat me up for saying that... but I have been there. I won't beat you up. I know. I am still focused on him. My anger is because I am. I'm trying to move forward. I'm am MUCH better than a few weeks ago. I would like this process to move much faster, yes. 1
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 So how is he contacting you if you changed all forms of contact?
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 So how is he contacting you if you changed all forms of contact? I had one email address which I did not change. He figured that out last week. I haven't dropped that address yet. Yes. I need to.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Normally when folks are in rehab - any form of communication with any outsiders is frowned upon. Makes me wonder if he's really in rehab. 1
Tenacity Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 When his wife dumps him he will call you and say he has left her and started divorce proceedings. He is a confused man whose world is in shambles. He was in love with you within the affair compartment and once the compartment of the affair was broken everything fell apart. But, he loved you and is having withdrawal symptoms. But, don't get optimistic. this love only works in the affair bubble. Sorry Pierre but I have read dozens of these posts of yours and have to ask this. Why do you think that everyone falls into some kind of box -- only defined by YOU -- (the "affair bubble" meaning no one really loves anyone except in non-reality... or the "zero self esteem" choice)? I read many of your earlier posts and I have come to realize that you are looking for some easy answers to why people have affairs. I disagree with you all the way. Go ahead with your approach... but it is more complicated than you give credit for. Human emotions are more complicated than can be explained by your "affair bubble" and/or your low self-esteem theories to explain everything. Just my opinion. 3
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Normally when folks are in rehab - any form of communication with any outsiders is frowned upon. Makes me wonder if he's really in rehab. I know.. I thought maybe outpatient? No idea. I didn't respond.
Tenacity Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I won't beat you up. I know. I am still focused on him. My anger is because I am. I'm trying to move forward. I'm am MUCH better than a few weeks ago. I would like this process to move much faster, yes. I totally understand it. I do.
MissBee Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 promises, I get where you are at. I can tell from your posts that you are still totally focused on ex-MM. I understand that... so well.... But.... he will continue to break No Contact for This Reason or That Reason for YEARS on end if you let him. There is always something. The point is, you are supposed to be moving on. Do you think you are ready to do that? I don't think you are. Please don't beat me up for saying that... but I have been there. Yea it's a normal part of the process, and I've been there myself too. Initially you're very focused on why this person is doing or not doing this or that and analyzing and marveling at their every bizarre action lol ...and it is warranted...but then overtime you realize: I've read 40 broken NC emails and mulled over our relationship 40,000 times, and unraveled 400 lies and distortions and where does it leave me and my life now? Then the only sensible choice with all that info is to step away from this person and their drama and issues and focus on yourself and how you got there and how you can get away for good. Promises is in the first stage and it's good that she posts here to get out those feelings and thoughts versus making the mistake of attempting to reason with him and make sense of it with him. Overtime I'm sure her focus will start to shift and if not, LS members will most likely point it out .
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 He did the classic telling of the W that he was in love with me, left her only to return a short time later. I asked him never to contact me again to which all h*ll broke loose from the BS side to me. A few weeks past and he broke NC. Fast forward some time and he then declared "NC" after they apparently started therapy. I've changed my #, email, job, etc. My gut is his marriage is all but fallen apart and he contacts me when it's at its worst. Now that he's in 'treatment' I would suppose it's his last ditch effort to save the M. I hope he gets help in the real sense. He's a hurricane. Even if he ends up D - do you want a future with someone who acts like this? Treats you like this? What are YOU holding on to here? Hope for the future he "promised"? Why?
Spark1111 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 promises....I've seen this go both ways. NC means you do not solicit, hear, engage, ask others about the life and times and peril of xMM. Close that email address today. To NOT do so means you are still wondering about him and leaving an avenue open to find out about his life. Please stop this. He did not squeak through an email address. You forgot to close it. I've seen this play out IRL. He stops being his own self-crafted victim and in therapy, actually learns to become a better man and he and his wife go on to have a wonderful marriage IF his BS does not divorce him. That will not make you happy. OR, he, when he can no longer elicit your sympathy and obssessive attention to HIM, HIM, HIM...finds another OW to fill the spot formerly held by you. That will not make you happy. At this point, ANY contact or info regarding his life is a lose-lose for YOU. it will only succeed in hurting you and keeping you mired in HIM, HIM, HIM. Think of NC as a total amputation of the source of the pain. it's the only way to get to indifference.
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Promises; Ahhh, the MM, Forever the victim in need of a heroine, a savior, a, "if you were w/me I wouldn't be doing all these self destructive things". Save me! But remember , I "can't leave for you because I am "too good" of a "man" to hurt my W & kids... I am SO angry w/you! I want to grab this MM & shake him to make him remember He is the MM having an A. He is the "man" that is behaving like an irresponsible teen. He is the one who is toying w/the hearts of two (or more, I don't know) women & family & children!! Both you AND his Wife deserve better, deserve to have him out of your life. Please, PLEASE, don't let him manipulate you into thinking your relationship w/him is the only thing that will "save" him !! If there is only ONE thing I could give to both OW & BW, it is that you cannot change or save those who don't want to change or be saved. 5
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you for your help.. I am doing A LOT of self work right now to get myself back to being strong, less co-dependant, more deflective of him, of what this has done and how it's influenced my life. Jwi.. Why would I want him? The truth is that how do I know if I even would? We've never had anything normal. I knew him long ago. Although, I knew him well and so my perception of who he is now and what I knew then is compromised. I want to get to that place of indifference. Where nothing about him phases me. That isn't just about NC.. it's about something inside of me. I'm trying to find peace there..
Tenacity Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you for your help.. I am doing A LOT of self work right now to get myself back to being strong, less co-dependant, more deflective of him, of what this has done and how it's influenced my life. Jwi.. Why would I want him? The truth is that how do I know if I even would? We've never had anything normal. I knew him long ago. Although, I knew him well and so my perception of who he is now and what I knew then is compromised. I want to get to that place of indifference. Where nothing about him phases me. That isn't just about NC.. it's about something inside of me. I'm trying to find peace there.. The entire A was not so much about him but more about you. At least, that was the case for me. You WILL get to that place of indifference. It used to help me to think about what a disaster it would have been in 'real life' if he would have actually left his W and been with me. What a complete nightmare that would have ended up being. It was a nice little fantasy, but the reality would have been a lot different. It would have never worked, and I would have just wasted more years of my life. I didn't know that your ex-MM had issues with alcohol abuse. In rehab for it? Be glad you didn't end up with that mess too.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 That isn't just about NC.. it's about something inside of me. I'm trying to find peace there.. YAY!!! You hit the nail on the head. Look inwards. Enlist an IC if need be. All of the answers you already have - just too afraid to look. BTDT. Think less of him and more of you. Why, why, why, why.... Life offers little in the way of promises (pun intended) and I offer even fewer but I DO promise this: Look inwards to find peace and happiness. It comes from NO OTHER PLACE. So...when's your first IC appointment?
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 If he would've left her for me. Well, for one I'd have his kids hating me initially. I'd be taking them at least partially away from her. I'd be supporting him and them (which isn't a qualm) but, she doesn't really work so ultimately I'd be supporting her, too. I'd have years of distress from her pain and his. We'd have shuffling daily with locations and time. He'd be in contact all day long with her as they have young children. She's clearly co - dependant so mix that hand into the pot. He at risk for relapse if he indeed is an alcoholic. Or whatever it is. I've never felt such animal instinct as I did with him. That is messed up.
Author promises Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Well my last IC session my therapist called him a mother#@$?er... Hahahaha. I'm serious. So, I may need to find a new IC.. Lol. She is great, came well referred. I think she just had a hard time being neutral knowing the details
Tenacity Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I'd be supporting him and them (which isn't a qualm) but, she doesn't really work so ultimately I'd be supporting her, too. Yeah, me too. I would have been supporting him (and her, and his adult kids). Wasn't really a 'qualm' for me either at the time. But really... fun? Not so much, long-term. I'd have years of distress from her pain and his. We'd have shuffling daily with locations and time. He'd be in contact all day long with her as they have young children. Yep. Again, not so much fun in real life. It's not like she would have ever 'disappeared'. And he would have had a LONG time of pain from exiting his marriage, no matter how bad it might have been, which you would have had to live with. While supporting him. And her. She's clearly co - dependant so mix that hand into the pot. He at risk for relapse if he indeed is an alcoholic. Or whatever it is. So, it would have been hard if not impossible for him to truly disconnect from her. It would have been part of your life forever. Plus the alcohol issues. That is all real life. The pain you are feeling is really the loss of the fantasy life. It would never - could never - have been that way even if he did leave. Try to remember that and it will help. I've never felt such animal instinct as I did with him. That is messed up. It's an addiction.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Sorry Pierre but I have read dozens of these posts of yours and have to ask this. Why do you think that everyone falls into some kind of box -- only defined by YOU -- I read many of your earlier posts and I have come to realize that you are looking for some easy answers to why people have affairs. . Tenacity - pot calling kettle black. You just posted some equally "boxed in" defined by YOU opinions about my situation. And easy answers about how I should handle my WW.
Spark1111 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If he would've left her for me. Well, for one I'd have his kids hating me initially. I'd be taking them at least partially away from her. I'd be supporting him and them (which isn't a qualm) but, she doesn't really work so ultimately I'd be supporting her, too. I'd have years of distress from her pain and his. We'd have shuffling daily with locations and time. He'd be in contact all day long with her as they have young children. She's clearly co - dependant so mix that hand into the pot. He at risk for relapse if he indeed is an alcoholic. Or whatever it is. I've never felt such animal instinct as I did with him. That is messed up. But then, so are you, yes? You both want to fix and save a man from some reality of his life's choices. I hope in therapy, if she is as good as other's claim, you learn WHY you were attracted to that. Often, when you are empowered by saving someone else it is a diversion of doing the hard work of introspecting and saving yourself.
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