4 years and still seeing Ex

[Honiebee]

There is no friendship. Friends don't treat you this way. They don't cheat on each other. They are not calculative and manipulative. They don't use you to fulfill sexual needs. Do you sleep with your other friends? Do they manipulate you when you don't want to sleep with them? Define the meaning of the word and ask yourself if you truly have a healthy and supportive friendship with this man.

 

Block his number and his email.

 

It's not "perhaps the mistakes" of the past will help you stay strong, instead you should be saying it must make you stay strong. You identify them as mistakes yet you still waffle back and forth.

 

Just because one year of NC didn't make you forget him doesn't justify the fact that you should go back to someone that uses you for sex. It's not going to magically turn into happily ever after just because you're struggling to detach. Stay away, even if it takes another year and focus on your self-esteem and hold on to your self-respect.

 

Thank you geegirl. I am not quite sure why I have the self-esteem issues and the lack of self-respect- it sometimes gets to the point where I watch myself doing things- almost like an out of body experience- and think 'why are you letting this happen to yourself" and yet do nothing about it.

 

It's odd. I have been reading the posts from this thread over and over though, the repetition does help. I am not sure if these issues are something deeper, but either way I think you're right, they need to be sorted before I can move on from him, and think about dating again. Thank you. x

[geegirl]

Thank you geegirl. I am not quite sure why I have the self-esteem issues and the lack of self-respect- it sometimes gets to the point where I watch myself doing things- almost like an out of body experience- and think 'why are you letting this happen to yourself" and yet do nothing about it.

 

It's odd. I have been reading the posts from this thread over and over though, the repetition does help. I am not sure if these issues are something deeper, but either way I think you're right, they need to be sorted before I can move on from him, and think about dating again. Thank you. x

 

I think this man has become an addiction to you. You want what you can't have and the more difficult it is to get him within your grasps the more difficult it is for you to let go and move on. Your value depends on his validation so you do whatever you can to make him want/love you. This is toxic to you and these types of situations make it even harder to detach. You just keep falling into a deeper hole everytime you engage in these unhealthy behaviors. You need to stop. Understand you are an option to him. You want to be a priority to someone. Write a list of what you hope for in a relationship and what you want in a partner. Has he given you all that you need? Aim higher, seek better. You know you deserve it.

 

There is a reason why you settle for so little. Step back and dig deep. If you don't find the root, you'll keep getting tangled with bad relationships, because you've set low expectations and standards based on the view you have of yourself.

 

You're most welcome and keep posting/venting.

[Honiebee]

I think this man has become an addiction to you. You want what you can't have and the more difficult it is to get him within your grasps the more difficult it is for you to let go and move on. Your value depends on his validation so you do whatever you can to make him want/love you. This is toxic to you and these types of situations make it even harder to detach. You just keep falling into a deeper hole everytime you engage in these unhealthy behaviors. You need to stop. Understand you are an option to him. You want to be a priority to someone. Write a list of what you hope for in a relationship and what you want in a partner. Has he given you all that you need? Aim higher, seek better. You know you deserve it.

 

There is a reason why you settle for so little. Step back and dig deep. If you don't find the root, you'll keep getting tangled with bad relationships, because you've set low expectations and standards based on the view you have of yourself.

 

You're most welcome and keep posting/venting.

 

I would agree, it is almost an addiction. It's as though his validation can get me higher than anything- and I've been confusing sex with love- in my head perhaps the more I have sex with him the more I kid myself he wants me/loves me. It's odd- I think about it as realistically as I can...

 

When we were actually together, he wasn't a great boyfriend - constantly pushing me away and letting me down- not wanting to see me.

 

Since- I've experienced his treatment me over the years ( he once asked me to walk five paces behind him in case people thought we were together... don't ask)- and the person he has turned in to is not someone I would even want to date now.

 

I never thought he would cheat on anyone, and he did- he cheated on his girlfriend with me. I would never feel secure in a relationship with him, now knowing his behaviours- how easy it is for him to lie and how he just does it without even a slither of remorse. And do I want to be with someone like that- definitely not.

 

I know that I am still putting up with it, but not even in the context of a relationship now- but as you've said, it's me being naive, thinking it's some kind of soulmate thing- but in actual fact it's just that I'm convenient, an easy lay and he knows I will come running. It feels a bit empty to know that there's nothing at the end of this four years. All the tears, arguments and hard slog- and there's no reward. I'm glad I found this place though. Just re-reading and re-reading, it's like a mantra. I read the NC Guide too- very helpful. x

[Honiebee]

So- trying NC and its really hard. I am sat waiting for his text but terrified of it at the same time. Do I just totally ignore it if he does text?

 

I keep thinking about the last time we saw each other he was quite cutting. Saying I was full of myself etc. he refused to let me stay and got angry when I asked if he still had feelings for his latest ex (the girl he cheated on with me).

 

I'm not sure what the next step is- I'm so miserable. I spent all day in bed (I got up at 5:30pm) because I was just too miserable to get up. X

[Million.to.1]

Honibee, you can't just go NC on this guy and expect that to work out well without him understanding what you are doing. It never works that way. Read the thread in my sig, there are a couple of other threads linked in there too which explain.

 

Despite the fact that i agree the NC is your way forward, you can't just do it and not expect a back-lash. Look now. You are sitting "waiting for his txt" - WTF?? - No. It's not meant to work like that.

 

Write out a CLEAR SHORT EMAIL explaining to him that being friends with him and continuing this casual sexual relationship is holding you back from many things, including meeting someone that does "have feelings for you". Don't finger point or blame him. Ask him to support you as a true friend and help you move forward by "not contacting you"

Explain that a friendship is not possible at the moment as there are too many other feelings involved for you at the moment. You need space and time and that you are not going NC to punish him, but rather help yourself.

You will be stopping contact via phone, txt Facebook etc to help this process.

Say that this email requires no reply and that you wish him all the best and hope that he can understand how hard it is for you to do this, but it must be done. ETC.

Then delete him from FB, block his number etc.

 

 

If you do this, he has NO REASON to contact you, guilt trip you or try to make you feel bad about it. You must ignore any contact he tries and keep it up.

 

 

Don't use the excuse of "i tried NC for a year and it didn't work" - All that is telling you is that you need to START OVER, and learn the lesson that ANY contact takes you back to square one.

If you had ignored his call that time, and not reestablished contact, you would probably be in a much better place now, maybe in a real relationship with someone who loves you and you wouldn't be giving him a second thought.

 

 

Please just take the time to tell him that you can't continue this and you need him to respect you and leave you alone for good. If he gets mad, then that is more reason to eliminate this soul sucking guilt tripping user from your life once and for all.

[geegirl]

So- trying NC and its really hard. I am sat waiting for his text but terrified of it at the same time. Do I just totally ignore it if he does text?

 

Agreeing with Million. In an earlier post I mentioned to you to state your case in that you cannot continue this dynamic anymore and that you have to be in no contact. Then shut the door.

 

It seems as if you are afraid to make that decision and act on it. You are still in hiding waiting for him to control the situation and you.

 

It's up to you Honie. It's a choice. A choice to stay indefinitely in pain or to finally say enough is enough. If you want to start 2013 as another year under your belt as someone's scratching post, then the choice is yours. That would make 5 YEARS, total.

[Honiebee]

Agreeing with Million. In an earlier post I mentioned to you to state your case in that you cannot continue this dynamic anymore and that you have to be in no contact. Then shut the door.

 

It seems as if you are afraid to make that decision and act on it. You are still in hiding waiting for him to control the situation and you.

 

It's up to you Honie. It's a choice. A choice to stay indefinitely in pain or to finally say enough is enough. If you want to start 2013 as another year under your belt as someone's scratching post, then the choice is yours. That would make 5 YEARS, total.

 

Would you agree that email explaining I can't do this anymore would be beneficial, and then shut the door (as you say). As you've said- this isn't a friendship. I can't call him when I want it text him when I want as I could with a normal friendship. He won't even be friends with me on Facebook.

 

I do find it very hard to make new friends and don't really have any in my hometown at the moment, as we all dispersed from university. My job is good but my colleagues are a lot older than me and have their own cliques within the establishment- so I haven't had much luck there.

 

In a way- I have been using him as my sole point of contact. I have seen a forum in which people with the 'friend' problem can post- that may help.

 

I don't want 5 years of my life to be totally wasted, I really don't. I guess I'm just scared I will have nothing (in terms of no one to hang around with). I'm frightened of being lonely. Sounds pathetic I know.

 

But it is a lot of hurt- A LOT of it and maybe it's better to be alone than to hurt. I would like to break this- I feel worthless when he kicks me out- I know it's going to be hard. X

[geegirl]

Would you agree that email explaining I can't do this anymore would be beneficial, and then shut the door (as you say). As you've said- this isn't a friendship. I can't call him when I want it text him when I want as I could with a normal friendship. He won't even be friends with me on Facebook.

 

Two things. Email or text. Short and simple. There is no need to be long winded and emotional about it because trust me, he's not emotional and any sign of it from you will not change his mind as to how he views you. Again, yes, he is not your friend and by accepting that, he does not need an explanation, rather a straightforward statement as to you not being able to continue contact.

 

I do find it very hard to make new friends and don't really have any in my hometown at the moment, as we all dispersed from university. My job is good but my colleagues are a lot older than me and have their own cliques within the establishment- so I haven't had much luck there.

 

Finding it hard to make friends is not a justification to keep pretending this man is your friend. If that is the case, it would be better for your to be friendless than to be used by someone claiming to be a friend.

 

In a way- I have been using him as my sole point of contact. I have seen a forum in which people with the 'friend' problem can post- that may help.

 

He's become what fills your void. Even if it means being treated shabbily. This is where you self-destruct and you diminish your own self-esteem. Find other ways of finding friends because four years haven't gained you a friendship in him rather a nice arrangement for him to get his jollies on.

 

I don't want 5 years of my life to be totally wasted, I really don't. I guess I'm just scared I will have nothing (in terms of no one to hang around with). I'm frightened of being lonely. Sounds pathetic I know.

 

Honie, you want healthy friends. Friends that can provide support. Not a "friend" that uses you for sex. Please get out of this twisted mindset. Check out this site, I was struggling like you with making friends. Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup

 

But it is a lot of hurt- A LOT of it and maybe it's better to be alone than to hurt. I would like to break this- I feel worthless when he kicks me out- I know it's going to be hard.

 

It is better to be alone than to be with someone and to still feel alone. But the sad part about that is, you're not even with him.

[Honiebee]

 

 

It is better to be alone than to be with someone and to still feel alone. But the sad part about that is, you're not even with him.

 

Thanks geegirl. I know that everything you're saying it completely true. I think it's just working through the pain, knowing I've given 4 years of my life to this guy- that the love I have for him remains. It makes me feel physically unwell.

 

I think it's just getting over the fact that I've given myself to him, everything to him for 4 years- surviving on those breadcrumbs, hoping his mins will change. But it won't will it. There's all this hurt and you're right, we're not even together. It's embarrassing. I will stop. Because I want to. X

[Honiebee]

Geegirl you've been really really helpful in this. I know this situation is damaging to me emotionally- there have been times he's kicked me out when I've been drunk and I've ended up sobbing on the street in the dark.

 

It's finding the strength to leave this - because it's been going on for so long. This is helping so much. Thankyou.

[Simon Phoenix]

So this guy won't add you on Facebook, makes you walk five steps behind him like an indentured servant and throws you out of his place in the middle of the night just cause? Yeah, any time you feel weak, reread those things and ask yourself why you would put up with that. This guy isn't your friend, hell, he almost sounds like an abusive pet owner.

[Honiebee]

So this guy won't add you on Facebook, makes you walk five steps behind him like an indentured servant and throws you out of his place in the middle of the night just cause? Yeah, any time you feel weak, reread those things and ask yourself why you would put up with that. This guy isn't your friend, hell, he almost sounds like an abusive pet owner.

 

I've probably made him sound a bit of a monster- I'm not a picnic to be with either but yea, it is all true. If he decides he doesn't want me to stay he will get me out of there whether I'm drunk or not. And yes, when we were walking together once he did ask me to stay behind him because he didn't want people to 'think we were together', although I'm sure if anyone who knew us saw us walking 5 paces apart they'd figure it out anyway...

 

And no, no Facebook, I don't think he wants me to know what he's doing with his life too much- I don't think he wants me to see his friends and his ex girlfriend- even though I know who she is and what she looks like anyway.

 

There are so many more things I could write on here, so many. I don't know why I put up with it- I don't think he even realises what he's doing half the time! X

[Simon Phoenix]

I've probably made him sound a bit of a monster- I'm not a picnic to be with either but yea, it is all true. If he decides he doesn't want me to stay he will get me out of there whether I'm drunk or not. And yes, when we were walking together once he did ask me to stay behind him because he didn't want people to 'think we were together', although I'm sure if anyone who knew us saw us walking 5 paces apart they'd figure it out anyway...

 

And no, I don't think he wants me to know what he's doing with his life too much- I don't think he wants me to see his friends and his ex girlfriend- even though I know who she is and what she looks like anyway.

 

There are so many more things I could write on here, so many. I don't know why I put up with it- I don't think he even realises what he's doing half the time! X

 

First step is you have to stop defending him. The guy is a douche. Sometimes a spade is a spade. He realizes exactly what he's doing. He knows he's using you and doesn't give a s--t. You have to have some value to yourself and stop trying to justify his unacceptable behavior. Some people just suck.

[geegirl]

Geegirl you've been really really helpful in this. I know this situation is damaging to me emotionally- there have been times he's kicked me out when I've been drunk and I've ended up sobbing on the street in the dark.

 

It's finding the strength to leave this - because it's been going on for so long. This is helping so much. Thankyou.

 

It's not just damaging you emotionally. It's striping you of your self-esteem and trust me you are paving the way for more self-destructive and damaging behavior in your future.

 

He kicks you out on the streets at dark. You identify this is as cruel but yet you keep going back. It is because you have zero value in yourself. This is your friend? This man that kicks you out. Walks a few steps ahead of you. Can you not see how warped your thinking is? You're so damaged you can't tell good from bad.

 

This situation should have drained you of your strength to keep investing anymore. You don't need strength to step away from this, you just need an ounce of self-respect.

[Honiebee]

First step is you have to stop defending him. The guy is a douche. Sometimes a spade is a spade. He realizes exactly what he's doing. He knows he's using you and doesn't give a s--t. You have to have some value to yourself and stop trying to justify his unacceptable behavior. Some people just suck.

 

How do you know that he is very aware that he is using me? Not sure of that's a stupid question. I wasn't sure whether he planned everything and sort of 'sets-up' the meeting/engineers it for when he wants sex? Or whether he doesn't think about it too much but it happens anyway?

 

But yes- he isn't a nice person, I was shown that with how easily he could cheat and dismiss it by saying that they weren't serious. They were! Does it make me a bad person - the fact I was seeing him, knowing he had a girlfriend. Or the fact that I've been wallowing in this situation for years now?

[geegirl]

There are so many more things I could write on here, so many. I don't know why I put up with it- I don't think he even realises what he's doing half the time! X

 

Write a list of all the bad things. Journal it, and for every bad, write down your thoughts as to how it made you feel when he did it. Then write down what you believe would have been the kind and loving thing to do if you were with a good man.

 

You put up with it because a toxic situation will deplete you of your sense of value and your self-respect. You put up with it because you feel you deserve little to nothing. You put up with it because you DO NOT love yourself. You put up with it because you place him above you. You put up with it because you have confused love with abuse.

 

You have to literally step out of your emotional bubble and start using your brain to think of YOUR REALITY. You can't roll up in a ball and stay in your puddle and idealize and romanticize what will never be.

 

You are holding onto an image of a man rather than seeing him for who he is. You've fantasized the potential of what could be. And you hold on hoping, one day, just one day it'll all fall into place.

 

I'll say this, when a man knows that he can minimize you to nothing while you allow it, trust that he will never promote you to an equal partner because he himself would have lost all respect for you. It's harsh but it's true.

[geegirl]

How do you know that he is very aware that he is using me? Not sure of that's a stupid question. I wasn't sure whether he planned everything and sort of 'sets-up' the meeting/engineers it for when he wants sex? Or whether he doesn't think about it too much but it happens anyway?

 

But yes- he isn't a nice person, I was shown that with how easily he could cheat and dismiss it by saying that they weren't serious. They were! Does it make me a bad person - the fact I was seeing him, knowing he had a girlfriend. Or the fact that I've been wallowing in this situation for years now?

 

Is he is aware that he is using you is not the question. Do you feel used?

 

Do you feel like a bad person sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend?

[Honiebee]

It's not just damaging you emotionally. It's striping you of your self-esteem and trust me you are paving the way for more self-destructive and damaging behavior in your future.

 

He kicks you out on the streets at dark. You identify this is as cruel but yet you keep going back. It is because you have zero value in yourself. This is your friend? This man that kicks you out. Walks a few steps ahead of you. Can you not see how warped your thinking is? You're so damaged you can't tell good from bad.

 

This situation should have drained you of your strength to keep investing anymore. You don't need strength to step away from this, you just need an ounce of self-respect.

 

Sometimes I feel completely drained, as though there's nothing left. I seem to fight more for him, the more he pushes me away. I wish we had just broken up and not had any contact at all, since. He is still doing this with current ex (the one he cheated on with me). Perhaps it's some kind of ego thing, as well as keep us around for sex.

 

This probably needs me to change my thinking totally- I think this has ruined my ability to meet and trust new men. And no, I don't think I have any respect for myself or my body at the moment. How to build it up is something I'm not sure about- reading and exercise? Or is there something else I could do? X

[geegirl]

Sometimes I feel completely drained, as though there's nothing left. I seem to fight more for him, the more he pushes me away. I wish we had just broken up and not had any contact at all, since. He is still doing this with current ex (the one he cheated on with me). Perhaps it's some kind of ego thing, as well as keep us around for sex.

 

This probably needs me to change my thinking totally- I think this has ruined my ability to meet and trust new men. And no, I don't think I have any respect for myself or my body at the moment. How to build it up is something I'm not sure about- reading and exercise? Or is there something else I could do? X

 

The last thing to do is think about meeting men and trusting them. You don't have the ability to even trust yourself in making good decisions.

 

I would suggest you find a counselor to help you organize your thoughts and to help you find coping skills in how to deal with situations that keep getting you into destructive behavior. Get involved in activities that I suggested on that website I sent you. Get to the gym and start on a workout plan and work hard at it. Immerse yourself in a hobby or passion that you left by the wayside. Get to that language class and focus. Read books on co-dependency and rebuilding self-esteem. Think about volunteering as it will give your perspective in life.

 

The void you have in you cannot be filled by this man. It has to be filled with what makes you, YOU. There is no you right now. There's just him. So, what is Honie all about? What does she like to do in her free time? What are her passions? What makes her unique? What are her qualities?

 

Start journaling. You can choose to stay broken and defeated or you can get up and rebuild and reinvent.

 

You don't want to be on LS a year from now talking about sitting on dark streets and being someone's toy.

 

And please be careful when you sleep with him, if you do. You do not want to get an STD since he is sleeping with his ex as well and god knows who else that he can rope in.

[Hopeful714]

A friend of mine is/was in a similar situation as you.

 

10 years later...and yes...I said 10, there are no regular phone calls or texts, no real dates, etc. Just a meal prepared by him and a bang. During these years there were also times he slept with other women.

 

This IS just all about sex. And its been going on so long now (for you and her) that its doubtful things will ever change. They don't want anything else from you...its obvious.

 

My friend is finally tiring of this (thank goodness) and you should have long ago. Respect yourself and stop this. People will only give us as much respect as we have for ourselves and you were always just too easy for him. Sorry.

[Honiebee]

Is he is aware that he is using you is not the question. Do you feel used?

 

Do you feel like a bad person sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend?

 

Yes I do. The way he can just discard me when he wants and how all of our meetings have always been on his terms. The way he can get so angry and self righteous over things I know (and he does too- guilty conscience) are wrong. The way he can sometimes he so nice and gentle and fun to be around- and yet other times push me away and be so malicious. Almost like he wants to hurt me (although he always maintains he doesn't). I hate it all. It's rotten.

 

The journal sounds great, I never thought of comparing his actions to what 'should happen. I'm not sure if counciling would cost money- but yes there are plenty of things I could immerse myself in. Exercise being one of them, as well as reading and the list you gave me.

 

I feel like half a person sometimes. I can't blame him totally- he's made his feelings to me very clear (non existent) and I'm STILL hanging around him like a bad smell, hoping he will change his mind. No wonder he carries on seeing me- its like having the best bits of a girlfriend without any commitment. I see how nice to would be to have someone who is there solely for pleasure on your life.

 

I've been a fool. I didn't realise the lengths some people would go to just for sex. I didn't know there were people who existed that wanted to hurt you. It never occurred to me before!

[Simon Phoenix]

How do you know that he is very aware that he is using me? Not sure of that's a stupid question. I wasn't sure whether he planned everything and sort of 'sets-up' the meeting/engineers it for when he wants sex? Or whether he doesn't think about it too much but it happens anyway?

 

But yes- he isn't a nice person, I was shown that with how easily he could cheat and dismiss it by saying that they weren't serious. They were! Does it make me a bad person - the fact I was seeing him, knowing he had a girlfriend. Or the fact that I've been wallowing in this situation for years now?

 

He wants sex, he gets sex, he tosses you aside. Wash, rinse, repeat. Of course it's planned. A lot of guys have girls that they use for this very purpose. As far as you, I wouldn't say you are a bad person. I'd say you are a person who has no self-worth or value for putting up with it. You aren't bad, but you are pretty much a doormat for this guy.

[Hopeful714]

"the way he can just discard me when he wants"

 

NOOOOOOOOO........you are LETTING him just discard you when he desires because you KEEP GOING BACK! YOU NEED TO SEE THAT.

 

Stop it. It may hurt but STOP IT and move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

You really need to think of this at a base level. He wants sex. You'll provide sex without him having to put out any effort whatsoever. He calls you. You f--k him. He tells you to leave. And repeat. All he wants is to get off and you are an extremely easy mark for him to do that. There are no underlying motives besides that.

[geegirl]

Yes I do. The way he can just discard me when he wants and how all of our meetings have always been on his terms. The way he can get so angry and self righteous over things I know (and he does too- guilty conscience) are wrong. The way he can sometimes he so nice and gentle and fun to be around- and yet other times push me away and be so malicious. Almost like he wants to hurt me (although he always maintains he doesn't). I hate it all. It's rotten.

 

It is rotten. Sometimes he is nice, and sometimes he is malicious. He should be consistent. When it's not consistent, it's not reliable and it's not trustworthy. You ask if he is using you. Your questions are centered around what he is thinking and feeling. Start asking yourself what you feel and think. You'll be surprised at how you actually start to see the reality of him and the blindness you've been experiencing.

 

The journal sounds great, I never thought of comparing his actions to what 'should happen. I'm not sure if counciling would cost money- but yes there are plenty of things I could immerse myself in. Exercise being one of them, as well as reading and the list you gave me.

 

Yes, start that journal. Three columns. What he did. How it made you feel. What you hope should/must be. Start writing your goals down. This is a new year and while I don't believe in resolutions at the start of a year, your journey should begin now. Write all the things you want to accomplish and what you hope to achieve. Right now, visualize a happy Honie by year end, who she is, what she is thinking, what she looks like, how she's feeling and what it will take for you to get her there. The self-help books you read will have exercises. Do them. And don't just read the book once, highlight areas that make you think and make you understand and keep going back to them. It helps you reprogram your state of mind. Get to the library.

 

I feel like half a person sometimes.

 

Yes, because you have become an extension of him. Neglected yourself in many ways to become what he wants you to be.

 

I've been a fool. I didn't realise the lengths some people would go to just for sex. I didn't know there were people who existed that wanted to hurt you. It never occurred to me before!

 

Sometimes it's also your responsibility, that as soon as you see someone crossing your boundary, get out. We cannot control the actions of others but we can control ourselves from getting hurt.