4 years and still seeing Ex

[Honiebee]

Hi,

 

Well I am at the end of my tether I just don't know what to do anymore or why these feelings won't shake. I would really, really appreciate some help because I feel as thought I'm becoming sadder by the day.

 

My ex and I went out for a years. We were quite young and had a lot of sex and fun. We hardly ever argued but he was very aloof a lot of the time and I could be very needy. These things clashed and one night he told me had hadn't loved me for several months. We broke up shortly after.

 

After a week of being apart we met for sex and carried on meeting as F buddies I suppose you could say. We did this for a while until he moved to go to uni and it broke my heart. I swore off him. However we seemed to meet up whenever he was around and we always had fun. I developed feelings for him again and told him. He said he didn't feel the same and for me to leave him alone. I did and we didn't talk for a year or two. No contact at all.

Then he got in touch out of the blue to tell me he had a girlfriend. We got talking again and I knew I still liked him. We met up and I'm not proud to say it but we carried on meeting for sex. It was also friendship and we had some very tender moments together.

 

I was confused. Why did he get in touch with me after all that time when he hold be been happy with his girlfriend? Things fizzled out with her although I think they're still in contact. I see him most weeks. Sometimes I stay over at his apartment. He lives alone. We watch movies and talk and drink and have sex. He said the sex with me is the best he has had. This situation has been going on for 4 years. In those 4 years we've not spoken, lived apart and only met when we could. Now we're both in the same town working I see him most weeks. He has told me he has no feelings for me.

He has always been the one who gets in touch with me when we don't talk. He instigated the sex when he hadnt met for ages.

 

I can't not have him in my life, everything feels so grey and empty without him, so I would rather see him once every week/fortnight than not at all. Neither of us are having sex with others, although I think he would if he was offered. I can't understand why he says he feels nothing after 4 years of this. We get on so well and the sex is great, so I don't know why he keeps me so far away from him. When we're together it's so much fun. When we are apart we don't text or talk on the phone unless its to arrange to meet up.

 

Why is he doing this? If he doesn't want me- why does he always get back in touch and why on earth did he get in touch when he should have been happy with his girlfriend? He says its just a bad habit we've got into but when we make love or kiss in bed late at night it feels like we're supposed to be together.

 

If I asked him or told him what I think I know he'd say he doesn't want to be with me and we'd stop talking. And I don't want that. But I also know he'd get back in touch anyway and we'd end up in the same situation.

 

Can anyone help me figure this mess out?

Edited January 2, 2013 by Honiebee
Incorrect times

[Jono85]

this is the most obvious situation/answer, and you must just be in denial.

 

he keeps contacting you because sex with you is very easy. he knows you're down whenever he wants it. he probably even likes/loves the sex with you. unfortunately he doesn't love you though. you are literally wasting years of your life pining over him. he will drop you whenever he finds a great gf that he grows to love. but until that happens, you are extremely convenient.

 

if all of that is okay with you, continue to proceed.

[geegirl]

I'm reading this and I'm asking myself if you are really that naive.

 

It's sex. He uses you for sex. Period. Men can separate sex from love. Women equate sex to love. They can roll with you and get up an go and the fact that he is telling you he has no feelings, is his way of telling you it's just sex. It's not making love to him, it is to you. Don't project your fantasies on him.

 

And do you think he's going to give up free, uncommitted and available sex just because he has a girlfriend? His character shows you that he has no care for anyone but himself. He's a cheater.

 

You know why he stops talking to you when you talk about getting serious? It's because he doesn't want to deal with something he doesn't want. Pardon my harshness. He just wants to f*** so anything outside of that, he has zero interest.

 

You're too blind, you're in serious denial. One thing is for sure. You lack self-respect and your sense of value is non-existent.

[TaraMaiden]

Why does he keep coming into your life?

Why does he keep connecting with you?

Why does he keep meeting up with you and just having sex with you, even though he has a GF?

 

Answer:

 

BECAUSE HE CAN.

 

I hate to be harsh honey, but you keep succumbing to his obvious charms (though for the life of me I'm having a lot of trouble seeing them!) and giving into him.

If he throws a hook and you bite, you have nobody to blame for it, but yourself.

 

The question is not, and is never even what he's doing and why...

The question is, why the hell do you keep opening your legs for him when all you get is a big fat zero and a damp patch to sleep on?

 

Jeesh, take a reality pill sweetie!!

[Honiebee]

Thanks for your replies- I suppose it's hard to see clearly when feelings get tangled in the way. Thank you.

[geegirl]

Thanks for your replies- I suppose it's hard to see clearly when feelings get tangled in the way. Thank you.

 

Four years and you have nothing to show for except for hook-ups.

 

Start thinking instead of blindly following your feelings. Four years of nothing is a long enough time to wake you up.

[TaraMaiden]

You really mean nobody's ever pointed this out to you before?

You've never had any inkling or suspicion, thought or idea that this might be the case?

 

Seriously??

 

 

You have to go No Contact - and stay No Contact.

 

Boy, you've been fed so many breadcrumbs, it looks like you could start a schnitzel production warehouse.....

[Honiebee]

You really mean nobody's ever pointed this out to you before?

You've never had any inkling or suspicion, thought or idea that this might be the case?

 

Seriously??

 

 

You have to go No Contact - and stay No Contact.

 

Boy, you've been fed so many breadcrumbs, it looks like you could start a schnitzel production warehouse.....

 

When I decide I don't want this anymore, he will do something or say something that makes me think he might change his mind. Because we do more than just have sex- we're friends too- to me it feels like it may mean more to him as well. I felt that the length of time this has gone on meant it must mean SOMETHING.

 

But I think - the comments on this thread about me projecting that relationship fantasy on to him are true and I'm probably seeing things that aren't there., and no contact at all seems to be the only way forward, even if he tries to get back in touch.

 

I don't want this to go on for another 4 years.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Honiebee
Adding extra

[geegirl]

When I decide I don't want this anymore, he will do something or say something that makes me think he might change his mind. Because we do more than just have sex- we're friends too- to me it feels like it may mean more to him as well. I felt that the length of time this has gone on meant it must mean SOMETHING. But I think - the comments on this thread about me projecting that relationship fantasy on to him are true and I'm probably seeing things that aren't there., and no contact at all seems to be the only way forward, even if he tries to get back in touch.

 

Well, four years have gone by and everytime he feeds you words, it has never once shown you that he has changed his mind. Right? He uses you and spits you out, over and over.

 

Friends? Friends don't treat friends this way. They don't use each other. You need to redefine the meaning of the word. A friend doesn't manipulate your feelings for them to get what they want.

 

The length of time only means that you've allowed him to have his way with you for four years. That is all it is. If length of time meant something, you would have progressed in this situation. Heck, you would have at least been in a proper relationship with him by now. Not even that!

 

Please NC. Know you deserve better. Tara's signature has a great NC guide to help guide you. Read it, over and over.

[Honiebee]

Well, four years have gone by and everytime he feeds you words, it has never once shown you that he has changed his mind. Right? He uses you and spits you out, over and over.

 

Friends? Friends don't treat friends this way. They don't use each other. You need to redefine the meaning of the word. A friend doesn't manipulate your feelings for them to get what they want.

 

The length of time only means that you've allowed him to have his way with you for four years. That is all it is. If length of time meant something, you would have progressed in this situation. Heck, you would have at least been in a proper relationship with him by now. Not even that!

 

Please NC. Know you deserve better. Tara's signature has a great NC guide to help guide you. Read it, over and over.

 

Thank you. Thank you very much- I think it needed someone from the outside to look in because I am blind to it after all this time. NC will be hard but to carry this situation on would be even harder. ao NC is best in the end. Thanks for taking the time to read.

X

[TaraMaiden]

Honiebee, there are several pithy sayings that come to mind...

You would do well to write them out and pin them up where you can see them, prominently, at all times....

 

You can even get these keyrings for inserting your own photos and stuff....

 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."

 

 

"Actions speak louder than Words"

 

The one in my signature:

"The one who cares the least, Controls the most"

 

My Avatar:

"I've learnt so much from all my mistakes - I'm thinking of making a few more!"

 

(That one's to make us laugh - but it's unfortunately true....!

 

And finally, the one in MY keyring:

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most".

 

Plus:

 

Copy, paste and print out the No Contact Guide, as many times as you need to paper every flat surface of where you live, put one up in the bathroom (always nice to have something good to read while you 'sit and think'...) and carry a copy with you at all times.

 

You need to get this, but you also need the determination and resolve to get past it.

Never hesitate to come back in here and vent, ask questions whatever:

 

But realise this -

The question is never "Why is he/Why does he....?"

 

The question is always "What do I do now?"

 

The answer is always self evident - grab your NC guide and do as it suggests!

[Honiebee]

The answer is always self evident - grab your NC guide and do as it suggests!

 

TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you. Ah it does sometimes feel like I've lost my mind. Just a little (okay way more than a little- to the point of obsessive creepiness).

 

How would you say the best way to implement NC is? When I've said before that I don't want the situation to continue, he gets angry and says I've led him on, making him think I'm okay with the situation when I'm not. He gets really angry with me for lying.

 

Another example is, when he had a girlfriend, I initially refused to see him- to which he says I was 'obviously' only using him for sex, as I was refusing to meet him in a friend capacity. Although, this time I can say with certainity that meeting as 'just friends'/ no sex, doesn't work.

 

I want to come away from this without him realising my feelings- do you think that's possible?

 

x

[becks77]

Hi,

 

Well I am at the end of my tether I just don't know what to do anymore or why these feelings won't shake. I would really, really appreciate some help because I feel as thought I'm becoming sadder by the day.

 

My ex and I went out for a years. We were quite young and had a lot of sex and fun. We hardly ever argued but he was very aloof a lot of the time and I could be very needy. These things clashed and one night he told me had hadn't loved me for several months. We broke up shortly after.

 

After a week of being apart we met for sex and carried on meeting as F buddies I suppose you could say. We did this for a while until he moved to go to uni and it broke my heart. I swore off him. However we seemed to meet up whenever he was around and we always had fun. I developed feelings for him again and told him. He said he didn't feel the same and for me to leave him alone. I did and we didn't talk for a year or two. No contact at all.

Then he got in touch out of the blue to tell me he had a girlfriend. We got talking again and I knew I still liked him. We met up and I'm not proud to say it but we carried on meeting for sex. It was also friendship and we had some very tender moments together.

 

I was confused. Why did he get in touch with me after all that time when he hold be been happy with his girlfriend? Things fizzled out with her although I think they're still in contact. I see him most weeks. Sometimes I stay over at his apartment. He lives alone. We watch movies and talk and drink and have sex. He said the sex with me is the best he has had. This situation has been going on for 4 years. In those 4 years we've not spoken, lived apart and only met when we could. Now we're both in the same town working I see him most weeks. He has told me he has no feelings for me.

He has always been the one who gets in touch with me when we don't talk. He instigated the sex when he hadnt met for ages.

 

I can't not have him in my life, everything feels so grey and empty without him, so I would rather see him once every week/fortnight than not at all. Neither of us are having sex with others, although I think he would if he was offered. I can't understand why he says he feels nothing after 4 years of this. We get on so well and the sex is great, so I don't know why he keeps me so far away from him. When we're together it's so much fun. When we are apart we don't text or talk on the phone unless its to arrange to meet up.

 

Why is he doing this? If he doesn't want me- why does he always get back in touch and why on earth did he get in touch when he should have been happy with his girlfriend? He says its just a bad habit we've got into but when we make love or kiss in bed late at night it feels like we're supposed to be together.

 

If I asked him or told him what I think I know he'd say he doesn't want to be with me and we'd stop talking. And I don't want that. But I also know he'd get back in touch anyway and we'd end up in the same situation.

 

Can anyone help me figure this mess out?

 

Hey Honiebee - you posted on my thread so I thought I'd look up your story...

 

You need to get out of this situation asap - before you waste more time in which you could be meeting someone who wants to be with you for the right reasons.

 

I had a friend who wasted 9 years of her life waiting for a guy to develop feelings for her - instead he would just ring her up when he wanted sex. When she tried to go NC he would text her so much - not because he had suddenly realised his feelings, but because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to call up his 'sure thing' - and get sex when he wanted it.

 

Tell the guy you need some space or if you can, tell him that you don't want this kind of 'hook up' relationship anymore and you want to break all contact. Then you need to delete all numbers/email etc - block his number if you can. It's the only way - and believe me I know how hard it is BUT....

 

You will feel better after time,

You will see why he didn't deserve you,

You will move on and be happy with someone new

 

It will take time - and you will want to reply to him if he manages to contact you - but don't!!! If he really wanted to be with you then he would tell you - and if he doesn't then you have to move on - do you want to be in limbo for the rest of your life??

 

No contact!!!

[geegirl]

"How would you say the best way to implement NC is? When I've said before that I don't want the situation to continue, he gets angry and says I've led him on, making him think I'm okay with the situation when I'm not. He gets really angry with me for lying."

 

This guy is a piece of work. I don't know why you can't see the manipulation and gaslighting going on right before your very eyes.

 

The best way is to go silent. Or you tell him that you cannot continue having sexual encounters anymore and that you need to cut contact. No ifs, ands, buts about it and just fall off the radar. The only way.

 

It's not about what HE WANTS. You implement NC because YOU WANT it to move forward. If you are ready, then his tantrums are of no concern to you because you are placing YOUR NEEDS FIRST.

 

"Another example is, when he had a girlfriend, I initially refused to see him- to which he says I was 'obviously' only using him for sex, as I was refusing to meet him in a friend capacity. Although, this time I can say with certainity that meeting as 'just friends'/ no sex, doesn't work."

 

It's called gaslighting. Look it up. He manipulates you in such a way whereby you now feel like the guilty party when in fact, the man is cheating and using you for sex! And it's working. You feel guilty and then you stay and keep feeding him with his supply.

 

He pulls the friend crap? And you fall for it? A friend doesn't bang you and then run to his girlfriend.

 

He is not a friend nor considers you a friend. You're someone that he uses for sex under the guise of "friends".

[Honiebee]

 

It's called gaslighting. Look it up. He manipulates you in such a way whereby you now feel like the guilty party when in fact, the man is cheating and using you for sex! And it's working. You feel guilty and then you stay and keep feeding him with his supply.

 

He pulls the friend crap? And you fall for it? A friend doesn't bang you and then run to his girlfriend.

 

He is not a friend nor considers you a friend. You're someone that he uses for sex under the guise of "friends".

 

I hadn't heard of 'gas lighting' properly before, at least, I never really thought it was happening to me. Just because I find it hard to understand why anyone would do that. It's just...it's not a very nice thing to do- I can't see why anyone would want to be so malicious. I think I'm a lot more naive than I thought I was. I'm glad I posted here though- I would be forever wondering if I hadn't.

 

X

[geegirl]

I hadn't heard of 'gas lighting' properly before, at least, I never really thought it was happening to me. Just because I find it hard to understand why anyone would do that. It's just...it's not a very nice thing to do- I can't see why anyone would want to be so malicious. I think I'm a lot more naive than I thought I was. I'm glad I posted here though- I would be forever wondering if I hadn't.

 

X

 

He was cheating on his girlfriend. Why would you think he is not capable for despicable behavior? You're idealizing this man. The sex/love has gotten you feeling like you should be the exception. You're the rule.

 

Stop projecting your morals and values on someone else. While you know you could never hurt someone this way, don't ever be so naive to think that everyone is just like you.

[Honiebee]

Hey Honiebee - you posted on my thread so I thought I'd look up your story...

 

 

 

It will take time - and you will want to reply to him if he manages to contact you - but don't!!!

 

Thanks for reading and replying. As with your situation, I have tried to go on dates with other people, but I was doing it to try and forget him- not because I was smitten. I was going on dates with the hope of developing any feelings for the person, not because there as an initial spark in the first place. It can make you sadder, as you do begin to think no one is as good. But I do know there will be- it can just be frustrating waiting- so I know how you felt! If you're not ready, you're just not ready! Xx

[KatZee]

TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you. Ah it does sometimes feel like I've lost my mind. Just a little (okay way more than a little- to the point of obsessive creepiness).

 

How would you say the best way to implement NC is? When I've said before that I don't want the situation to continue, he gets angry and says I've led him on, making him think I'm okay with the situation when I'm not. He gets really angry with me for lying.

 

Another example is, when he had a girlfriend, I initially refused to see him- to which he says I was 'obviously' only using him for sex, as I was refusing to meet him in a friend capacity. Although, this time I can say with certainity that meeting as 'just friends'/ no sex, doesn't work.

 

I want to come away from this without him realising my feelings- do you think that's possible?

 

x

 

Oh he's GOOD! He cheats on his girlfriend, uses you for sex and then tells you he has no feelings for you, mainly only sees you for sex, and then flips it around and gets mad at YOU when you want to walk away from his BS!

 

---Sociopath.

[Honiebee]

Oh he's GOOD! He cheats on his girlfriend, uses you for sex and then tells you he has no feelings for you, mainly only sees you for sex, and then flips it around and gets mad at YOU when you want to walk away from his BS!

 

---Sociopath.

 

It's been hard to break away because he makes me feel like its all me-! I end up thinking I'm mad. Well I guess I am considering the replies on this post.

X

[geegirl]

Thanks for reading and replying. As with your situation, I have tried to go on dates with other people, but I was doing it to try and forget him- not because I was smitten. I was going on dates with the hope of developing any feelings for the person, not because there as an initial spark in the first place. It can make you sadder, as you do begin to think no one is as good. But I do know there will be- it can just be frustrating waiting- so I know how you felt! If you're not ready, you're just not ready! Xx

 

I think the last thing you should do is date. The fact that you allow a man to manipulate you this way and have a hard time identifying bad behavior is a clear sign that you need to take some time off and work on your self-esteem. You have poor boundaries and desire very little for yourself.

 

You are dating because you are trying to find a man to fill the void that this ahole is leaving. Rather than date, have a relationship with yourself. Take a year off and focus on healing and rebuilding your sense of self.

 

There is a reason why you've allowed a man to manipulate you for four years and still continue to still struggle to find your way out of it. A person with strong sense of self and healthy boundaries would have stopped this behavior a long time ago.

 

Put men aside for awhile. You need to focus on you.

[KatZee]

I think you should definitely take a dating break as well... during this time really focus on yourself. Also, I would take a look into this book:

 

Dr. Phil.com - Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World<br>The New Book By Dr. Phil

 

It tells you all about the people who are going to use you in life, and what signs to look out for and what to do about it.

[fixing]

Honiebee, please get a hold of yourself and listen to all the advice ITT. Go no contact and never look back. You have wasted 4 years of your very unique life already. NO MORE. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

[Treasa]

You don't have to talk to him and put up with his ****. That's the idea of NC. You block him, don't take his calls, don't let him email or call you, and make sure he has no other way to contact you.

 

And being single right now and insanely happy about it, I agree that you shouldn't go looking for someone else to "replace" him. True love isn't about a gaping hole that you need to fill. You need to be happy with yourself. This is SO true. My life is very fulfilling even though I don't have a boyfriend at the moment (my choice).

[Honiebee]

I did do a year NC, and I didn't get over him- so you think it was a mental block on my part? As though I didn't want to? Because when he contacted to tell me he had a girlfriend I was heartbroken despite the long NC. I refused to meet him at first, although he made me feel as though I was only interested in him when sex was involved- and 'now he had a girlfriend, I wasn't interested in his friendship'. So I ended the NC and met him, only for the situation as it is now to occur.

 

My mistake was in breaking NC after a year- this time round would it just be a case of not breaking it AT ALL- no matter if I think friendship will occur? I had changed my number at that time, but he contacted through email.

 

I would be worried this would happen again. Perhaps the mistakes of the past will help me to stay strong this time around? I do want this to stop- as you say four years with only sex to show for it - it's quite pathetic. I want to start enjoying myself- I've signed up to a language class. The first step xx

[geegirl]

There is no friendship. Friends don't treat you this way. They don't cheat on each other. They are not calculative and manipulative. They don't use you to fulfill sexual needs. Do you sleep with your other friends? Do they manipulate you when you don't want to sleep with them? Define the meaning of the word and ask yourself if you truly have a healthy and supportive friendship with this man.

 

Block his number and his email.

 

It's not "perhaps the mistakes" of the past will help you stay strong, instead you should be saying it must make you stay strong. You identify them as mistakes yet you still waffle back and forth.

 

Just because one year of NC didn't make you forget him doesn't justify the fact that you should go back to someone that uses you for sex. It's not going to magically turn into happily ever after just because you're struggling to detach. Stay away, even if it takes another year and focus on your self-esteem and hold on to your self-respect.

Edited January 3, 2013 by geegirl