civpro Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I have known this girl for 4 years, we are extremely close and the relationship is always progressing, but only so slowly and I am a bit uncertain what to do or where it will go... Some advice here from girls and guys would be appreciated... Since we have known each other so long, I can say I know that her major issue is that she has some deep seated commitment issues stemming from her past. Bf in high school was killed in front of her, substance abuse afterwards, used by several men, major medical issues, etc... I know that this is all past, but it clouds her present and affects me in that sense, all the men in her life have ended up dying or abandoning her... We have had ups and downs, as we move along in our relationship and become more committed, she fights with me, I suppose as she feels that she is losing her independence. I give her the space she needs and she always comes back - its her choice. It is always off and on, but we always come back to one another when other relationships end. Just so many barriers to get past. This is not a FWB or NSA relationship for either of us. We are kinda in the position right now to make this permanent, and I want to treat her right considering her emotional scars. I have told her many many times (even when we were apart that I would never abandon her). I do need commitment to make it work and I dont know how to approach the issue, since she is so phobic of it. We spend the holidays with each other, and her family is starting to ask alot of questions, especially the kids (nieces and nephews), and we are at a point that it should become solid and permanent or dropped. I am there for her, she knows that I love her, she loves me but how to continue with uncertainty as we are moving into the future??? Thanks for any advice!!!
Divasu Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Since we have known each other so long, I can say I know that her major issue is that she has some deep seated commitment issues stemming from her past. Bf in high school was killed in front of her, substance abuse afterwards, used by several men, major medical issues, etc... I know that this is all past, but it clouds her present and affects me in that sense, all the men in her life have ended up dying or abandoning her... I'm inclined to believe that all of 'that' goes out the window once a woman falls in love. I could be wrong, but I came out of a failed LTR (was single for 3 years in-between, dated here and there) then met/dated someone for about two months where I was ready to 'jump'. We are kinda in the position right now to make this permanent, and I want to treat her right considering her emotional scars. I have told her many many times (even when we were apart that I would never abandon her). I do need commitment to make it work and I dont know how to approach the issue, since she is so phobic of it. We spend the holidays with each other, and her family is starting to ask alot of questions, especially the kids (nieces and nephews), and we are at a point that it should become solid and permanent or dropped. I am there for her, she knows that I love her, she loves me but how to continue with uncertainty as we are moving into the future??? Thanks for any advice!!! All you can do is reassure her and solidify the words, with actions. If that doesn't work, not much else you can do. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I have known this girl for 4 years, we are extremely close and the relationship is always progressing, but only so slowly and I am a bit uncertain what to do or where it will go... Some advice here from girls and guys would be appreciated... Since we have known each other so long, I can say I know that her major issue is that she has some deep seated commitment issues stemming from her past. Bf in high school was killed in front of her, substance abuse afterwards, used by several men, major medical issues, etc... I know that this is all past, but it clouds her present and affects me in that sense, all the men in her life have ended up dying or abandoning her... We have had ups and downs, as we move along in our relationship and become more committed, she fights with me, I suppose as she feels that she is losing her independence. I give her the space she needs and she always comes back - its her choice. It is always off and on, but we always come back to one another when other relationships end. Just so many barriers to get past. This is not a FWB or NSA relationship for either of us. We are kinda in the position right now to make this permanent, and I want to treat her right considering her emotional scars. I have told her many many times (even when we were apart that I would never abandon her). I do need commitment to make it work and I dont know how to approach the issue, since she is so phobic of it. We spend the holidays with each other, and her family is starting to ask alot of questions, especially the kids (nieces and nephews), and we are at a point that it should become solid and permanent or dropped. I am there for her, she knows that I love her, she loves me but how to continue with uncertainty as we are moving into the future??? Thanks for any advice!!! No matter what you feel about commitment, no matter how many times you have been abandoned in the past,no matter how much people have abused your trust.It is part of life to have to trust again,if you truly care about someone you will, you go in scared but you do it.......be firm on where you stand as far as a relationship goes.....one thing that determines a relationship fro a woman who has been abandoned is the ability of the guy to not be wishy washy, cut and run but determined and steadfast a rock in other words....to stick it out stand firm and have core strength, if you can survive the rough waters, you sure as hell are going to have fun in the smooth ones......i thought my ex was a rock...in actual fact he was sandstone and i need marble........he abandoned not only me but my family.....the supposed tough rocky ex got going when the going got rough, and i drowned in the wake.....when i am attracted to someone its a core strength i am attracted to but a calm core strength now a soft voice that has passion for life in general good and bad.is able to smile and forgive, never holds a grudge for very long...he can eb the bigger man... and take what he wants from life with faith............. thats where i have missed out i didnt have that calmness in a partner, that determination to ride out the hard times...........i have issues stemming from my past it would take a very determined steadfast guy to handle me...i havent had it very easy and i have had some tough knocks pretty soul destroying ones........i would give strength back in spades, but honestly......steadfast guys who know what they want and go out and get it with core strength and calmness are rare.....thats what it would take for her to feel comfortable with you...dont sway don't chop and change, be honest with what you feel for her and about everything and dont play games... straight down the line is the best way....its all about stability adn the ability to step up with women who have been abandoned...you will succeed even with a woman who has a hard past.....dont pussyfoot and treat her with kid gloves...be upfront with inner calm....that you will know what to say and do when something happens and have a blast navigating calm waters...the calmer you are the more relaxed she will be and open up to you....relax and she will.........deb
Author civpro Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 Thanks for the insight guys. This has been a but of a trying situation, I have always been of the notion that if you love someone, when times are tough, you either love them more or you run. I have never been the running type, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me unsettled either. I guess I have to be the rock that others will break against...
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