bianca_87 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I met him when I first started college, he is my first serious relationship and he has been with me throughout my college days through to my transition to a full time career. He is several years older than I, as of this year he is in his 30s. We've had ups and downs for the past four years we've dated. We have a lot of history together, and when I have no doubts I am truly happy with him. To me, it is important being with someone whom I could be intimate with, be my best friend, who respects me, always there when I need him, fills my emotional needs and tries to make things right, and share experiences with me. I am in love with him, and have never toyed with the idea of being with someone else. But as I am nearing mid-twenties this year, I am starting to have doubts and sometimes I get very sad and frustrated with the way I am feeling. This guy has a passion and is in the arts. Now, being with a guy in the arts means little money and many struggles. He also hasn't driven in years and don't own a car for this particular reason. When we first dated, we had to find other ways to travel for our dates, this bothered me a little as I've always pictured being picked up on dates...but I never saw it as a huge issue. Eventually I got a car and we could go to more places. Lately, driving us everywhere made me feel like I have the pants in the relationship, and while we live in a society of equality, I do still secretly wish I could be picked up for dates or be able to ask my boyfriend to help pick me up or drive me in times of emergency. While I am not struggling financially at all, he has never asked to borrow money when he really needed it, or took advantage. Most times when I do pay for stuff, I insisted and didn't mind at all. Lately, I'm frustrated because I want to experience different things in life, and travel with him and I don't know when that day will ever come. I travelled with a friend instead last year. He enjoys being at home and chilling out, but because I like getting out of the house he won't say no when I suggest places we could go to, and he would always accompany me. I usually get creative with my ideas so we don't spend a lot of money. However in the long run, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing all the work in this area. I told him how I felt, he said he tried to compromise by coming along as he preferred being at home in the first place. Is it wrong of me to want him to suggest a few ideas now and then? I know we don't need money to enjoy a relationship, but sometimes we need to spend a little to get out there and expand our horizon, see a few places, eat a few things, go to a few events. I feel guilty as sometimes these feelings make me feel superficial. He is struggling a lot financially lately, and I was invited to road trip with my friends and their partners over the summer holidays to see concerts, rent several holiday homes a long the way...but I didn't want to neglect my boyfriend, so didn't go...over the years I have been feeling like I miss out on somethings, but recently this feeling has amplified. My boyfriend is working on finding a job instead of freelancing soon, but I don't know how committed he would be. He did tell me he is comfortable freelancing the way he has been doing because he earns just enough to support himself. I don't know what to do, what would you do in this situation? I'm considering moving on if he gives up job hunting altogether, but I don't know what I'd do if he does try very hard but cannot get another job that pays more. I'd like to know what you ladies out there would do in my situation.
mortensorchid Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Have you ever discussed the possibility of marriage? Is that what you are saying in this tale? Has either one ever brought it up? You are showing the fact that you have doubts, but have you ever discussed taking things to the next level? Do you live together now or not? You pointed out some flaws here, but what exactly do you mean by his being "in the arts"? I dated a guy years ago who told me his big dream was to take his music career to the next level, and once he actually moved from his hometown he gave up. I knew another gal who quit her job and said "I'm starting an all girl punk band and moving to California!", and she now lives with her mom in Florida. If you are supporting him and his nonsense behaviors, then that's what you choose. What exactly does he do?
Ruby Slippers Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 He also hasn't driven in years and don't own a car for this particular reason. When we first dated, we had to find other ways to travel for our dates, this bothered me a little as I've always pictured being picked up on dates...but I never saw it as a huge issue. Eventually I got a car and we could go to more places. Lately, driving us everywhere made me feel like I have the pants in the relationship, and while we live in a society of equality, I do still secretly wish I could be picked up for dates or be able to ask my boyfriend to help pick me up or drive me in times of emergency. I feel the same way. I know women who "wear the pants" in the relationship - make more money, own and drive the car, take more initiative in general. That kind of relationship has never appealed to me in the slightest. It just doesn't turn me on. But my aversion to this seems to be much stronger than yours. I wouldn't even be excited enough to go on a date with a guy if I had to pick him up. I'd rather just stay home. I can be friends with guys like that, but I don't feel attracted to them. I don't know what to do, what would you do in this situation? I'm considering moving on if he gives up job hunting altogether, but I don't know what I'd do if he does try very hard but cannot get another job that pays more. Well, he's told you how he feels about things, and you have four years of evidence: He did tell me he is comfortable freelancing the way he has been doing because he earns just enough to support himself. He's totally fine with just getting by, and feels no motivation to contribute financially to anything beyond his own basic living expenses. It's very common for a man to cover the expenses of taking his woman on vacations with him, and pay for various shared luxuries, if she can't afford it and he wants her with him. How do you feel about being in that provider position? If your continued participation in the relationship hinges upon his employment situation, I think you should get clear with yourself, and then him, about what that really means. What's your bottom line here?
Author bianca_87 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Have you ever discussed the possibility of marriage? Is that what you are saying in this tale? Has either one ever brought it up? You are showing the fact that you have doubts, but have you ever discussed taking things to the next level? Do you live together now or not? You pointed out some flaws here, but what exactly do you mean by his being "in the arts"? I dated a guy years ago who told me his big dream was to take his music career to the next level, and once he actually moved from his hometown he gave up. I knew another gal who quit her job and said "I'm starting an all girl punk band and moving to California!", and she now lives with her mom in Florida. If you are supporting him and his nonsense behaviors, then that's what you choose. What exactly does he do? He doesn't have nonsense behaviors. When I say in the arts, I'm talking about filmmaking and acting. He has been pursuing this for about five years now and each year I seem him improving, but he is often involved in projects that don't pay well or don't pay at all.
Author bianca_87 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I feel the same way. I know women who "wear the pants" in the relationship - make more money, own and drive the car, take more initiative in general. That kind of relationship has never appealed to me in the slightest. It just doesn't turn me on. But my aversion to this seems to be much stronger than yours. I wouldn't even be excited enough to go on a date with a guy if I had to pick him up. I'd rather just stay home. I can be friends with guys like that, but I don't feel attracted to them. Well, he's told you how he feels about things, and you have four years of evidence: He's totally fine with just getting by, and feels no motivation to contribute financially to anything beyond his own basic living expenses. It's very common for a man to cover the expenses of taking his woman on vacations with him, and pay for various shared luxuries, if she can't afford it and he wants her with him. How do you feel about being in that provider position? If your continued participation in the relationship hinges upon his employment situation, I think you should get clear with yourself, and then him, about what that really means. What's your bottom line here? I don't really care about being the provider, but he is uncomfortable with that and wouldn't let me pay for him if it's really expensive. I think I am more comfortable in a relationship where both parties contribute equally...but lately that means not being able to do much, so I preferred paying a bit on my end, just so we could get out of the house and experience new things.
crude Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 It's really not difficult. If you believe in sexual stereotypes like Ruby Slippers, then he's clearly not a man and you're not a woman. If you're more liberal, then you simply make more than him, like countless men who've been the providers while their wives made no $$ at all. In today's world, more women increasingly make more money than more men. Period.
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