She said I insulted her?

[walkoffame]

I got out of a long on and off relationship early last year. I kept trying with a girl that wasn't good for me and after much advice and thought I called it quits for the final time.

 

The past few months Ive been seeing a new girl. Except I think I put my foot in it today when I insulted her and she told me to leave her alone.

 

When we first met she was telling me a story of how she got into a huge argument with her family because she needed a ride to the city to goto a bar with her friend. She couldn't get a cab anywhere so called her sisters boyfriend and he took them. They weren't staying for long so the guy hung with them until the end and gave them a ride back. They picked up her friends boyfriend on the way home and the taxi guy said we can go back to mine and hang if you guys want. So they all went.

 

Whilst there the guy makes a pass at the girl I'm dating and professes his love for her. She says absolutely no chance.

 

This happened a week or so before I met her. The next day she told her family what happened and they pinned blame on her and accused her of a bunch of things but shes friends with the guy and its her sisters boyfriend so of course theres nothing going on.

 

I never gave it another thought after this. Then she mentioned something a few weeks ago about how he'll often message her whilst hes over their house asking what shes upto. She'll reply saying nothing much. She said she thinks the guys weird but she tries to be as nice as possible. I never thought anything of this.

 

Then today she says my sisters boyfriend messaged me again today. She said she was sat next to her mum at the time and she was going to ignore the message. Her mum told her, hes just having a bit of fun, just message him back, so she did. Then he said something inappropriate and sexual towards her.

 

I asked if she'd flirted with him before, because I dont understand why he would flirt if he hasnt gotten a good response before, especially after she told him she wasnt interested.

 

So I outright asked her, are you attracted to this guy at all. She said absolutely not. I then said, well you must have given him a reason to think its alright to flirt. She said she hadnt.

 

I then asked asked again but in a really suggestive 'yeah right' kinda tone. Are you sure you dont like this guy. She said absolutely not. I dont think he likes me like that anyway. I said well of course he does! he made a pass at you at his house and sends flirty messages to you and he even told you he liked you!!

 

She then got mad and said, Im trying to forget that happened alright. Im very insulted youve suggested I have a thing for my sisters boyfriend. I brought this topic up this morning because I wanted to confide in you. She then said she was going home. I said, I'll call you later and she replied, dont bother.

 

Im thrown off. One minute her parents are shouting at her for going back to her sisters boyfriends house, then the next minute her mother is encouraging her to send a message back to this guy when he sends her a message saying 'lazy ass'

 

I dont know what she was trying to confide. Maybe Im in the wrong and Ive totally acted out of line.

 

Some opinions to help me figure this out would be great please. How should I have reacted in this situation?

 

Ive had a problem in the past opening my mouth and upsetting people, so if Ive spoken out of turn. I can accept that.

 

Thanks

[veggirl]

She either likes the attention or she has piss-poor boundaries. Both are no good for you. If a guy is chasing your girl, you should be able to trust your girl to tell him "quit it" and she either doesn't have the backbone to do it, or she lets him do it cause she likes it.

 

and don't buy any crap about her trying to keep the peace since it's her sisters bf.

[SpiralOut]

It's a bad idea for a girl to tell the guy she's seeing that some other guy is hitting on her. So what if you responded in a way that she didn't like. It's not fair of her to expect you to be all supportive and non-judgemental of her while she complains about her problem with some other guy.

 

Like someone else said, poor boundaries. Not just in the way that she isn't saying no to him, but also the fact that she would tell you any of this. It's not a good sign either that she needed her mother to help her figure out how to respond to a text message. Either she's got poor boundaries or loves drama.

Edited January 2, 2013 by SpiralOut

[Mina]

She either likes the attention or she has piss-poor boundaries. Both are no good for you. If a guy is chasing your girl, you should be able to trust your girl to tell him "quit it" and she either doesn't have the backbone to do it, or she lets him do it cause she likes it.

 

and don't buy any crap about her trying to keep the peace since it's her sisters bf.

This. My ex was like this to her ex. He had made it clear that he still had feelings towards her, and she kept responding to him. Mind you this was an ex that she had claimed raped her. When I pressed that I wasn't comfortable with the whole thing, I got the whole thing of "don't you trust me?" "I love you not him" etc. I'm pretty sure she ended up cheating on me with him.

It's sh*tty boundaries, and she likes the attention. Stand your ground on this because it may be a sign of things to come. If she's not setting proper limitations on people who are flirting with her it gives credence that the relationship isn't that important to her.

 

Welcome to LS

[walkoffame]

Thanks for the responses.

 

When he confessed his feelings when she was at his house that night before we met, she told him to back off and that it would never happen between her and him in a million years whether her sister was in the picture or not.

 

So I believe she made it clear then. But this guy still flirts with her infront of her sister at their house.

 

I was curious actually as to why she'd tell me of someone's interest in her and she said. She'd rather tell me now than me find out later someone's had a crush on her and been flirting with her this whole time and she's never let on.

 

She also said she never spoke much at first when he came round their house because she thought he was strange. However she needed a cab that night and it's his job so she called him. She found it strange he decided to hang around and then when he invited her and her friend and friends boyfriend she thought nothing of it and just figured it was her sisters boyfriend being friendly.

 

I'm not sure i quite understand what you guys are saying about boundaries. Do you mean as in she shouldn't have told me?

 

I think she feels like she's in a situation that no matter she does, she's ending up in the wrong. One minute her parents are mad because she gets a cab ride off the guy and she's made to feel like she's done something wrong. Then she's told off when the guys keeps messaging her. Then the next breath her mothers telling her to reply to him.

 

Is there any way I can figure out if she actually does like him?

 

She got mad because it seemed I asked in a way as if to imply she would disrespect her sister like that. But I asked in a literal, irregardless, do you like this guy, kinda way. People can still develop feelings for their siblings partners.

 

After being in a poor relationship before, I never know how best to handle these situations if they come up.

 

In one respect I figured, why go back to this guys house. However in another I think, why can't you go hang out with your sisters boyfriend. It wasn't one on one, there were four people hanging.

 

What I forgot to mention. What threw me off was, when I got mad and asked her. How do you think this makes me feel, you telling me all this? She said how dare you make this about you. Then she said she brought it up to confide in me. How do you guys interpret this?

 

I didn't feel I'd have conflicts this early with a new person

[Mina]

Boundaries are limits to how you let people act towards you and act within the confines of the relationship.

 

Example:

Due to my experience, I have the boundary now that if you're going to let another man constantly flirt with you, when you know he has feelings towards you, and you act like you are encouraging/reciprocating those actions, I'm not going to deal with it. Either it stops, or the relationship is over.

 

 

The fact that you are already fighting this early, and you both seem pretty young, just let this one go. Her says that you're trying to make the situation about you, when it directly effects the relationship you two share, thus the situation does include you, shows she doesn't understand that. Her saying that she just wanted to confide it with you, as one would a friend, rather than discuss the matter with you shows her rational, and that she doesn't see the relationship as something that is a symbiotic situation, but as two people together.

[walkoffame]

We're actually 26 and 23. So not so young for stupidity. I said straight up, you must have given him a reason to think its acceptable to flirt.

 

She said when she first met him she thought he was weird and couldn't take him seriously at their house or look at him because he acted weird.

 

She then said they just joke on and have a laugh, for example he'd saying something like, you're not going out dressed like tht are you and she'd say something wise back.

 

I said to her, he obviously likes you, he confessed it to you at his house. She said nah, I don't think he likes me like that. I said we'll he confessed it to you! And that's when she got a little angry and said she was trying to forget it.

 

It's unfair to be mad and say I've flipped it an made it about me.

 

However, what if this is an innocent situation and she is literally being pestered by her sisters boyfriend and doesn't know how to act to make it right?

 

She hasn't been distant or any less loving since this began.

 

I guess I'm looking for advice on where to take it from here. When she calms down and I talk to her, or whenever we next hang out for example. Do I continue on like nothing had happened and just forget about it? Or do I bring it up again if I'm not satisfied?

[walkoffame]

I spoke to her on the phone today. She had a really pissed off tone, so I asked why she was being cold.

 

She said she was still mad about the other day and said I shouldnt have spoken to her like that. She said I had a look on my face when I was asking her as though I was accusing her and she also said she was pissed I made the problem about me.

 

I said like you guys said, that the problem directly affects me and she again said it doesnt because she can take care of it herself. She was just looking for an ear to listen so she could get it off her chest cos it was bothering her.

 

I said, so if a girl constantly hits on me, it doesnt affect you?

 

She got mad and said regardless of what I said, you seemed as if you were accusing me of something rather than asking and that pissed me off. Im tired and I dont want to talk about this. I said thats not fair, why does the conversation end when you want it to?

 

Then she hung up