eyeful Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I know that NC is a pretty common protocol for how to get over someone. However, I feel that for my case, it's best to at least *try* to stay friends, due to the unconventional nature of my relationship, and my difficult life situation. I am really in a transitional period, and thinking about her way too much (she took up a lot of space in my life). Her idea of a platonic friendship isn't going to work for me down the line, so unless we can rekindle something, NC and moving on will definitely, eventually be necessary. For those who have successfully or unsuccessfully gone from the status of lovers to friends (and maybe back again), what was the experience like? My ex and I really tapered off of intimacy/sex (her idea, I wanted to keep the sex going, even just as 'friends' otherwise). In the final stages after a break-up was put on the table, we went from sex multiple times a week to maybe once a week to not at all (over the course of a couple months). Now, we are seeing each other regularly (like once or twice a week) while also keeping lightly in touch at work everyday, as "friends". The catch is that the vibe between us is very similar to when we were together, except there is no sex or intimacy now. This bothers me a lot, because I think it would be natural for us to go ahead with that (probably out of habit), but it is sort of like having a carrot dangled in front of me, or going cold turkey from an addiction. I believe we could share sex and friendship, while ending the conflicts that led to our break (she doesn't, and this is our point of disagreement). To describe the nature of our interactions, she will come up to me and give me a long, tight hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and by then, I am already starting to get sexually aroused. That's because I am so used to that being how our dynamic was (we would often have sex when physical contact was made). Before we really broke up (and the sex stopped) I would try to persuade her into sleeping with me (thinking that I could seduce her and get her into a groove of sex, even as our relationship changed form), and she often went along reluctantly, which allowed some physical pleasure, but was definitely not good emotionally, as I felt really sad having to sort of coerce her, and she said that it was something that we should plan to not continue. She stopped initiating sex after a while, but even when it happened, she said "I don't know if we should, will this confuse you?". I think it really has confused me, and hit pretty hard as I realized how I was being manipulated. Anyway, to jump back into the present, she says she loves me - in public, in the company of others, over the phone, in text messages, and so on. She has made it clear that she isn't interested in other men right now (but that of course, it would be totally okay if she did want to date). Basically, I am willing to follow along with this kind of 'break' until something improves, or disintegrates. Yet the lack of intimacy/sexual love is *really* hard on me. I see it as total rejection, since the sex was a source of ego fulfilment and comfort for me. It's depressing, I thought we would always be together in that way, and I thought that the sex was really coming along and giving our relationship lots of power (we seemed to agree on that). The fact that she is holding off sends the message that she didn't enjoy it as much as I did, which triggers lots of negative thoughts about myself (basically, I feel pathetic). This is in spite of the fact that she reassures me I am handsome, sexy, and so on; her actions speak louder than words, as she wants to stay friends in this kind of unorthodox way, but she continues to flirt and act seductive, without really offering sex, or even some of the steps along the way ('the bases', or whatever). The last couple times we have been together, I really held off on the intimacy (just forced myself not to came onto her, even though I felt sexual tension between us), except for a few very brief, almost platonic pecks (like what you might expect on a slow first date). Any thoughts for me? It's really hard going without that intimacy. I don't even like to masturbate these days because I know I won't be getting the real thing anytime soon. I used to do that when her sex drive was a bit lower than mine or when we were geographically apart and couldn't sleep together, but now it just seems emotionally wrong (especially if thinking about her, given that I may never have her in that way again). I have wondered if this break-up of hers is a test to see if I saw her as a sex object (remove the sex, and see if I stay with her). But I think more likely, she sees our arguments as something which happened when we were sleeping together (as a function of possessiveness, codependency, and so on). She says that she thinks I really over-weighed the sex, and that we could have just as good of a relationship without it. That seems absurd to me, because there was so much passion and fire in that department. I don't find the idea of going out for coffee especially exciting, if the relationship is just going to settle down as boringly platonic. Thanks for reading and giving feedback!
Samilia Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I know that NC is a pretty common protocol for how to get over someone. However, I feel that for my case, it's best to at least *try* to stay friends, due to the unconventional nature of my relationship, and my difficult life situation. I am really in a transitional period, and thinking about her way too much (she took up a lot of space in my life). Her idea of a platonic friendship isn't going to work for me down the line, so unless we can rekindle something, NC and moving on will definitely, eventually be necessary. For those who have successfully or unsuccessfully gone from the status of lovers to friends (and maybe back again), what was the experience like? My ex and I really tapered off of intimacy/sex (her idea, I wanted to keep the sex going, even just as 'friends' otherwise). In the final stages after a break-up was put on the table, we went from sex multiple times a week to maybe once a week to not at all (over the course of a couple months). Now, we are seeing each other regularly (like once or twice a week) while also keeping lightly in touch at work everyday, as "friends". The catch is that the vibe between us is very similar to when we were together, except there is no sex or intimacy now. This bothers me a lot, because I think it would be natural for us to go ahead with that (probably out of habit), but it is sort of like having a carrot dangled in front of me, or going cold turkey from an addiction. I believe we could share sex and friendship, while ending the conflicts that led to our break (she doesn't, and this is our point of disagreement). To describe the nature of our interactions, she will come up to me and give me a long, tight hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and by then, I am already starting to get sexually aroused. That's because I am so used to that being how our dynamic was (we would often have sex when physical contact was made). Before we really broke up (and the sex stopped) I would try to persuade her into sleeping with me (thinking that I could seduce her and get her into a groove of sex, even as our relationship changed form), and she often went along reluctantly, which allowed some physical pleasure, but was definitely not good emotionally, as I felt really sad having to sort of coerce her, and she said that it was something that we should plan to not continue. She stopped initiating sex after a while, but even when it happened, she said "I don't know if we should, will this confuse you?". I think it really has confused me, and hit pretty hard as I realized how I was being manipulated. Anyway, to jump back into the present, she says she loves me - in public, in the company of others, over the phone, in text messages, and so on. She has made it clear that she isn't interested in other men right now (but that of course, it would be totally okay if she did want to date). Basically, I am willing to follow along with this kind of 'break' until something improves, or disintegrates. Yet the lack of intimacy/sexual love is *really* hard on me. I see it as total rejection, since the sex was a source of ego fulfilment and comfort for me. It's depressing, I thought we would always be together in that way, and I thought that the sex was really coming along and giving our relationship lots of power (we seemed to agree on that). The fact that she is holding off sends the message that she didn't enjoy it as much as I did, which triggers lots of negative thoughts about myself (basically, I feel pathetic). This is in spite of the fact that she reassures me I am handsome, sexy, and so on; her actions speak louder than words, as she wants to stay friends in this kind of unorthodox way, but she continues to flirt and act seductive, without really offering sex, or even some of the steps along the way ('the bases', or whatever). The last couple times we have been together, I really held off on the intimacy (just forced myself not to came onto her, even though I felt sexual tension between us), except for a few very brief, almost platonic pecks (like what you might expect on a slow first date). Any thoughts for me? It's really hard going without that intimacy. I don't even like to masturbate these days because I know I won't be getting the real thing anytime soon. I used to do that when her sex drive was a bit lower than mine or when we were geographically apart and couldn't sleep together, but now it just seems emotionally wrong (especially if thinking about her, given that I may never have her in that way again). I have wondered if this break-up of hers is a test to see if I saw her as a sex object (remove the sex, and see if I stay with her). But I think more likely, she sees our arguments as something which happened when we were sleeping together (as a function of possessiveness, codependency, and so on). She says that she thinks I really over-weighed the sex, and that we could have just as good of a relationship without it. That seems absurd to me, because there was so much passion and fire in that department. I don't find the idea of going out for coffee especially exciting, if the relationship is just going to settle down as boringly platonic. Thanks for reading and giving feedback! To me sex is an important part of a relationship, however I also think it ruins the chances of healing it if a couple is in a "mending" phase. I personally don't think that a normal relationship can exist without sex. There are specific situations, of course. To make it short, if that's a break that she wants, I would give it to her, but that would mean putting some real physical distance between the two of you.
oldshirt Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 without sex/romance/intimacy/passion, she is just another woman and you are just another man to her. Get out of the house, life a good fun life and move on. Whenever a woman dumps you, friendzones you or otherwise indicates she longer wishes to have a love/sex life with you, the only thing that should come out of your mouth is- "Next!" This is over, move on.
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