arabicvoltaire Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 This will be one hell of a read... please bare with me. I have had a girlfriend for five months, June to November. Everything started out great but took a sudden turn when we reached the three months mark. She started acting more cold, stiff, unaffectionate and at times bitchy. We fought a lot. I thought I loved her and that we just went through a phase, but had fears of it ending. I confessed my fears to her but she just told me that I was being paranoid, and shouldn't worry. But I had to worry. When it reached five months, she told me she no longer had feelings for me, after a very rough patch and a lot of uncalled for fights. We both had our flaws but I really remember her making a big deal out of small things. A couple of weeks before the break up, I met a girl online via my friend. The girl lived in the UK (I live in Sweden) and was my friend's relative. We started talking and I honestly have never had a better spark with anyone else. She completed me in a way, and although I had a girlfriend that I cared for a lot, I couldn't help feelings so attracted and attached to this girl. Let's call her M. We had (still have) the best level of communication two individuals could possibly have. We talked about everything from silly everyday stuff to deep conversations and told each other our secrets. It felt good. She made me happy, and I missed that feeling of happiness. I knew that me and her had a thing going on, and I couldn't deny the fact that I started to resent my girlfriend because of her. She treated me way, way better. I didn't cheat though. M knew about my girlfriend all along and I told her about our problems. She was there and supported me all along and made me want to try to fix things with my ex once and for all. If it didn't work out, I had a better girl for me. Days passed and at one fight I lose it and tell my ex I needed a pause. We don't take the pause though, and she breaks up with me a week after. Her reasons varied at first but she eventually said that she "lost her feelings for me". I wasn't surprised and, quite frankly, wasn't that broken. I was in a shock, though. It ended fast. I continued on talking with M and eventually we started flirting more and more. She made coming over my ex so much easier, and made me consider a LDR even though I am so against it. I felt like I needed a little change, and since that I the money and time for it, I booked a flight to the UK to meet M. She was happy and so was I, our talks escalated so quickly that we admitted that we had feelings for each other. During the time between the flight and the booking, we talked heavily. It felt good for the most, but I had a feeling that I wasn't over my ex and that I was using Marwa as a tool. We had a talk and we both said we weren't looking for a relationship just yet, but would really want to be more than friends. Date and everything. I was completely fine with it. It was monogamic, though, and I don't think either of us would accept the other dating someone else. It was a commitment and I sometimes felt that I shouldn't be doing it. It felt like I should give myself time to recover, etc, but that feeling didn't dominate. It was confusing, even though it was what I felt like 10% of the time. Since that the tickets were already booked and I still wanted and needed a change, I did nothing and took the flight. I spent a weekend at her place. It was frankly speaking the best weekend of my life (or at least the best one I could remember). We had a lot of fun and the first time I saw her, we hugged and kissed like if we have met countless times before. Before I saw her, I was so nervous but it faded away immediately when we hugged. We went back to her place. Sexual intercourse took place, but no penetration (she's a virgin and neither of us wanted sex), alongside with a LOT of kissing, hugging and cuddling. It felt amazing the first two days, but then it felt like I didn't want to kiss at all (keep in mind it was the only thing we did for two days). By the third day of the weekend, I really wanted some alone time to think, and I started feeling that I didn't want a relationship or anything. She said that she loved me at the first day and I said that I loved her back because it was what I really felt like. I kind of started doubting it at the third day, and eventually felt uncomfortable. Keep in mind that the first two days I was beyond happy with her. I told her about this all, that it was such a sudden change for me, that my break up was kind of hard, and she understood. We sat down and talked, and I started feeling awesome again. I still had doubts, though. I don't know if any of this is making sense. I don't know how to describe what I felt but it was really mixed. I've never wanted to be with someone this bad, but it still feels like I don't really have feelings for her. That was the way it felt until I said bye. I left at night and it was the most horrible night of my life. The exact second I said bye, I felt love in a way I've never done before. Not for all of my past relationships combined. I ended up crying for twelve hours something, and it didn't get any better until I started talking to her again. For two days we kept talking about how great it was and how deeply we missed each other. But, oddly enough, the same feeling I felt back at her place came back to me on the third day. I therefore told her that I wasn't sure if what we had was love, if we really loved each other, if I'm ready for anything just yet or if I even knew what I wanted. I told her we moved too fast. That hurt her a lot and for the first time in months, our conversations were dull. I couldn't talk to her much that day as I was in the gym and had a couple more things to do. I could not stop thinking about her. I wanted to tell her that I love her more than anything and I thought I did a huge mistake. If she is the only thing on my mind, then it has to be love. If I really want to tell her that I love her and I care for her, then it must be love. I talked to her about it and we got back on track, I admitted my love for her and things kept going on normally ever since. It has been good, mostly. When I miss her, I seem to try to reject my feelings because it does hurt to miss someone that far away. And as the tale goes, it feels much better when we two talk. I've felt crazy euphoria several times while talking to her, but I admit waking up and questioning my love all over again. Though at those times, I didn't say anything to her and just calmed down. It all resulted in me having a clear head and realizing that my feelings are genuine. But my heart hasn't stopped itching since I came home from the UK. I don't know what it is. I don't miss my ex but I sometimes think about the relationship and how it was, like if I get reminded of it while seeing some TV show, seeing a mutual friend, or just having a thought of it pop into my head. It doesn't hurt, and I've never felt that I want my ex back. In fact, I've rejected her twice already and it wasn't because of my pride. It was because I really didn't want her back. I feel nothing when thinking of her; pretty much the same feeling when thinking of my other exes whom I've got over completely. I may feel like I want to have sex with her but I just masturbate it away and feel disguise of the thought afterwards. It has been three weeks since coming home and we have been talking well. The days have followed a crazy pattern that is fading more and more for each day that goes; I wake up, miss her, think if it's love, start thinking that I am just on a rebound and that I'm using her to fill up my own emptiness, talk to her, feel happy, realize that I'm afraid of being hurt, let down, etc, and that missing her and my fears make me question my love, sleep happy, wake up, same goes on. The pattern isn't written on stone and feelings can be felt at different points throughout the day. I mostly try to ignore them and it works out well, since that lately I have experienced that I'm not as crazy and unstable. I want her to the 100% and I wouldn't trade her for anybody. I don't know why I keep questioning things, if it's because I'm afraid of loving again, if things are moving too fast, if I'm forcing myself to love her so that I won't hurt her feelings, or if I'm being full-time crazy because of hormones. I have never felt so strongly for a person before and I suspect it to be the reason why my head is having a crazy orgy with my heart and soul. I just know that I want her, but that feeling just seems to come in waves. I've never felt that I completely don't want her, but it's hard to explain. There is doubt involved but I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Last night was new years and although I was out with friends and had a blast, I missed her a lot. I woke up today, feeling that I miss her worse than ever, which started the negative chain of thoughts that I'm not really in love, that I just fill my own emptiness, that I don't want her, then going on to thinking that I just have a crazy defense mechanism that prevents me from missing someone this bad, that I am over my ex since that I don't miss her at all, that I shouldn't worry and that everything will be okay. We talked about a possibility of us two seeing each other sometime this month and it felt weird, but as I tried to calm down it felt really good to know. I don't like this. It gets better for everyday and every time I make one of these posts, I get busy doing something else, I realize I'm crazy and I delete it, talk to my girl and feel good. I kind of have a history of doubting relationships for many reasons, and generally having a lot of destructive paranoid thoughts that I eventually deal with and just laugh at. When I started writing this post, I was having a breakdown but now I'm really calm. This has sure been a huge read and if you made it this far, THANK YOU. Please tell me now... what the hell should I do about this? What I'm feeling now and 90% of the time is that I want M and only M. I've thought of her the whole day and I really experience every symptom of love there is to be experienced when thinking of her. I am not interested in other girls, and I don't miss my ex. Still I mistake what I feel for M for a lot. I feel like I'm making myself sound like the psychopath of all times but I don't care. I had to write all of this off me and I hope someone takes time to read through it and replies. If anything seems unclear, feel free to ask as I can develop and explain. I'm quite tired, a bit hungover and missing her a lot as I write this so I'm a little emotionally unstable. Thank you again.
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