PeppermintSA Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Regards to everyone, I just registered on this, I must say, amazing forum because I'm in a very, if you will, unorthodox situation. The story of my situation is actually quite long and spands roughly 15 years, so please bare with me. Namely, I'm 23 years old and I'm from an East-European country, yet I've spent my whole life moving around because of my parents' profession. So in the first 16 years of my life, I've lived in 5 different countries - a lifestyle similiar to an Army brat's, except my parents were working in the civil sector, unlike Army brat's that were deployed along with their families to military bases. For a couple of years I've lived in a small Caribean country where I finished the first few years of elementary school. My first year there, I knew a little girl that was a year above of me and our two ''groups'' - the 1st grade boys, and the 2nd grade girls - used to play tag in the school playground. I have vivid and fond memories of that period, a big green bench with eucalyptys trees above it etc. The aformentioned little girl left the country and moved back to Paris - she's French, while I left 2 years later to a 2nd. and then a 3rd. and then a 4th. country, making new friends, seeing different places, and eventually moving back to my home country in Eastern-Europe at the age of 16. I graduated from highschool in my home country, and eventually started adding old elementary school aquaintances on facebook - ya know, taking old yearbooks and looking through them, searching for these long-forgotten kids(now adults) that I barely remember. My sort of goal was to atleast feel that my past truly does exist, seeing that everyone around me had friends from those days that they still see, ocassionally grab drinks with etc., and I was searching for the feeling of belonging, as cliche and cheesy as it may sound. Among them, I added the girl I played tag with in that distant Carribean country. We never communicated, I barely went into her profile - it was just about actually having some virtual tie that truly didn't mean anything, but felt right. Fast forward a few years, I started University, then I got accepted into a very elitistic Academy of performing arts, where you're witnessed to many unbeliavable, fast living people, I started following in their footsteps - a sort of Sex, Drugs & Rock n' Roll lifestyle + the factor of artistic expression. It was a crazy period: a lot of travelling, a lot of artistic expression, VIP parties, One night stands, every vice you can imagine etc. etc. A sort of lifestyle that the average person would gag on. Now I feel that I wasn escapist that was not very happy with his life and that felt that he didn't belong anywhere because of my early childhood and the way it was lead. And during the peak of this mayhem of a life which today, on one had I regret, but on the other hand I feel gave me the right perspective: I've seen and tasted and tried Sodom and Gomora and it's not what I want, one night I simply messaged this girl on facebook out of the blue, just to say hi. I was in some quasi-relationship then which was soley based on sexual experimentation, I was seeing other people on the sides, having one night stands etc, as was the girl I was seeing. And then I start talking to this long-forgotten elementary school aquaintance I chased around a green bench an odd 15 years ago. She was going through the exact same thing: came out of a long, horrible relationship with some ******* was was psychologically abusive and ended up just not caring, having fun, having One night stands, casual dating etc. etc. We started talking, and it was more addictive then heroin. After a month or two of just friendly talk I started feeling things for her, and believe me, I am not an internet person, I don't have online friends, I dont flirt online - I used to barely spend 30min online a day, just to check my emails and that's that - she was the same. Yet, day by day, we started talking more and more, until eventually the day was complete if we hadn't talked for atleast 5-6 hours on Skype. There was no sexual connotations, no flirting, no anything - just pure, simple talking: subjects such as art, film, theater, music, all the way down to puppy dogs, brands of cheese and comic books. So from the intellectual highs to the pop culture lows, and it was just perfect. We clicked, yet I was doing what I was doing, she was doing what she was doing, and then every weekend we'd reflect: ''God, I got so wasted last night and slept with some girl I can't even remember'', - ''god, same here, I got wasted, met some guy in a club and we ended up at his place screwing till the morning'' - it was all like a joke to us, and we laughed, and gave each other advice and talked about past relationships etc. ANd then, out of the blue, it started botherng me. I started feeling sick to my stomach when she'd tell me these things, and I had no rational explanaition. I was always the sort of guy that when he gets cheated on, for example, he truly, deeply doesn't care. I guess that was my defensive mechanism - not getting attached to people. I've had only one proper relationship till then, while I've had my share of women, if you see what I mean. And it seriously started bothering me, I would be with my then casual gf, but only be thinking about my elementary school pan-pal. I'd wake up with her on my mind, I'd go to sleep with her on my mind, pretending to be a close friend, giving her guy advice,goofing around with youtube videos, yet, it all bothered me more then apsolutly anything has ever bothered me. I felt so ackward that a girl I'm not with, a girl I haven't seen in 15 years, a girl I might never see hits a nerve when talking about her sexual partners, casual dates etc. more then if any other girl that I had a proper history with, that I spent days and nights with would. It felt so ackward, and seeing that I'm a very rational, quite cold person when it comes to attachments (because of my history), I really did not know how to act. I spend nights awake, pretending to live one life, while in fact I was living another. I was in a situation where I'm at some big house party organised by a conceptual artists, full of gorgeous women, orgies happeing in the bedrooms and i'm sitting there typing an sms message to this girl (we exchanged phone numbers by then), telling her how I'm bored and asking her about her night, praying to god she wont say she's in some club getting picked up by some guy. And to make things clear, I am unbeliavably not jealous, I frankly never cared - trust for me was given, so I had no idea how to deal with these irrational emotions. Fast forward a few months and I completly stop seeing other girls, without telling her - not because I'm a saint, or an angel or because I want to prove a point - hell, my lifestyle since I was 13 was a mix of teens gone wild, softcore porn and Requiem for a dream, so it definitly wasn't that. I just couldnt live a lie. Eventually, one night I broke down and told her all of this, she was shocked, told me she has the feelings, told me she's gonna stop seeing other people aswell and that she'll visit me in a month. A month later, she visited me and stayed for 2 weeks. It definitly wasn't a perfect stay - let me explain: we clicked the first second, it was definitly true, 100% love that I honestly always thought was complete and utter hollywood bull****, but it was exactly that - true love. Yet, I had crazy cousins crashing at my place uninvited, having arguments, making things really unbearable, so yeah, not a picturesque romantic drama but more like two people in love stationed in the worst possible circumstances ever. We argued a few times, but even in that, there was something different - some mutual, unbeliavable love. She went back to Paris and since then we're in a long distance relationship. We both changed our lives completly - she stopped being a party animal and barely goes out, aswell as me. Not because I'm whipped or because we gave each other rules - hell, I'd like her to go out and have fun. But, I truly don't have the wish to. I have long hard weeks and the best thing is to just relax at home and skype with her. I probably sound like a sissy, and I've become exactly what I always made fun of in my ''earlier life'', but its how it is. Now we come to the problem - I'm pretty sure she's clinically bi polar. One week perfection, one week its ''I cant take this anymore, I need to live my life, I need to find a job somewhere and seeing there arent any jobs in her fireld in France(she's in jewelery trade), I should move to Bangkok'' etc. etc. One day its ''No one has ever loved me and been nice to me as you'', and the next day its ''You don't treat me well''. I mean, whoever knows what bipolar syndrom entails, understands what I mean. Now, on hand i truly trust her - she definitly is not someone that cheats, she was with that ******* for 6 years that tortured her but never cheated on him. Yet, sometimes, as some points in time, like today - after New Years eve - I start having doubts. She becomes cold, I ask her what she did last night and she says she partied with some friends. I ask if I make her happy, and she says ''I dunno''. I understand that it might be because of her bipolar syndrom, seeing its not the first time she replied that, but contextualising it into New Years Eve, parting with people who's names she doesn't want to mention or even eleborate her night + her distance and coldness etc. Should I be worried not just now - but in the long run? I wrote down the whole history of us - the goods and bads - should I be worried about these two things: 1) that one day she'll just say, ''too much is too much, goodbye'' 2) that she'll just send me a message one day and say she cheated on me or met someone new? p.s. we're working on plans to be togather. thank you for your time.
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