kaylan Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I ask this because based on my current dating situation, and the situations of those around me, it seems most people are not capable of being totally honest with someone. The girl I was last dating didnt tell me any huge lies, but one was a white lie, and the other was an omission I should have been told from the start. However, in regards to the omission, Im not sure she even realized she felt a certain way at the beginning of us dating, so maybe there was nothing to tell. Anyways, Id say Im honest to a fault. I dont pull punches, Im clear about my feelings and intentions, even if it means hurting someones feelings. Id rather them know the truth and be able to handle the situation in the way they feel is best for them. Plus I like to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want a girl to always be completely honest with me, so I seek to give out the same. But I was talking with a friend last night, and she feels everyone lies...and I replied "maybe youre right because so many people are selfish and out for solely their own good". Its just kind of a shame though, because I try not to do things that would ever give a girl cause to worry or look over her shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it just seems like people are too keen to hoodwink each other nowadays. 2
movingon12 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 In dating I would say no: most people have their guards up for a long time before they would feel comfortable being completely honest. Though what people keep private will vary. In ltr/marriage it should be possible. But then again most people can't even be completely honest with themselves so its probably rare.
EasyHeart Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 My general rule is the the more often and the more vehemently a woman says she values honesty, the less honest she wants you to be. Often, women define "honesty" as "tell me what I want to hear".
Casablanca Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Impossible, every one has a skeleton or two they never revel
todreaminblue Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I dont know kaylan because i dont class my self as normal......so i dotn know what is normal when it comes to relationships....i doknwo this.....if i am with soemeone in a relationship and that included dating with the prospect of long term....(the only way i date anyone)...i ant to eb able to trust them and i want them to be able to trust me...two way street.......i will be honest...if they ask me hey do you like this on me or what do you think i should do ....good or bad ill say the truth if its bad...ill sweeten it with a positive....if its good ill say it how it is.......good or bad the truth can soemtimes hurt but if you dont say it and that partner or peron you are dating finds out...there goes trust.......i dont think you should play games in a relationship...relationships are intricate and complex enough without lies...the truth makes it easier to navigate and compromise and sure as hell hurts a lot less that found out lies that leave you confused and disillusioned...... If i have done something wrong , i dont handle guilt well, at all actually it eats me up and my hair falls out.......i prefer to cop the consequences and move on.......I think it is a keystone honesty somewhere you cant stuff it up if you are honest...i dont mean cruelly honest...just honest...you can put the truth to someone without it being as damaging as lying and yes i do believe lies damage relationships....relationship killers.....you start with one and it snowballs....if you tell the truth you dont have to worry about what you have said....you wont forget it....lies are not that way.....fro soem reason they are hard to remember maybe god made it that way...confounded lies into forgetfulness....who knows...i stick to truth it is plain simple and always in your memory..i have lied everyone does.......but it isnt long before the truth comes out for me...lies are a cover and in a new relationship....enough for me to say goodbye....if someone can lie directly to my face when i care about them deeply...i am the one who will get hurt..it is obvious to me that they dont trust me as much as i was willing to trust them with the truth pointless for me to be involved.......deb
monicaelise Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 But it just seems like people are too keen to hoodwink each other nowadays. It's not a "nowadays" phenomenon. It's always been this way. What's different about nowadays is that people somehow have come to expect a level of honesty in their relationships that isn't even honesty, so much as a lack of respect for boundaries. I don't think complete "barf-out-your-entire-life-and-every-single-thought-no-matter-how-stupid-or-mean-it-is" honesty is good in any relationship. Some things should be kept to one's self. I absolutely do not endorse lying, or deception, but if I'm going to push someone on something they're not comfortable talking about with me, I'm not going to be shocked or insulted if they're not completely honest with me. It's totally unreasonable to expect people to be absolutely candid about every single aspect of their existences. I won't lie about anything, but I will refuse to discuss things I don't want to, and I will not volunteer up things I don't feel the other party needs to know. I know I'll probably be clobbered here for saying these things, but I don't believe we are entitled to rummage through someone's "dirty laundry" just because we're intimate with that person. 1
ScienceGal Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Everyone is entitled to their secrets and personal privacy. But, if they're lying about current things in the relationship, or hiding past things relevant to the relationship, then that's probably wrong. Yet, many people do it for various reasons. To save themself from a discussion or possible argument, to hide shady behavior that they may or may not want to continue with, to spare their partner pain. Everyone lies. The lie and reason for it matters.
salparadise Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I think that complete and total honesty in an objective sense, especially if you're including omission, is probably not possible. For one, many of our thoughts and feelings exist only in the unconscious or semi-conscious realm and it's difficult to realize and understand them ourselves, much less to share them openly. Secondly, we often entertain thoughts and feelings that would be hurtful and it would be cruel, wrong, masochistic to utter these words under the guise of just being completely honest. The concept of truth is complex and vague, as is the human psyche. Philosophers have debated for millennia just trying to comprehend it. Reality is that truth and honesty are concepts of the human mind developed in the context of our systems of ethics and sociology, and they are as nuanced as each individual is unique. I think the best we can do is to strive to be open, honest and forthcoming with our partners while also being loving, giving and compassionate, and protecting them from the awful pain that objective truth or honesty might visit upon a tender soul. Of the few people I've known who were predisposed to verbalize every thought that passed through their brains, I think the all had deficits in interpersonal relations and probably had sociopathic tendencies. One of the higher functions a healthy, well socialized individual posses is the ability to edit themselves appropriately while still being honest, true, open and protective of other's feelings.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I believe in and practical total honesty with everybody, including my romantic partners. It hits most people like a bolt of lightning, because we know the truth when we hear it, and most people are constantly BSing themselves and others. So when people hear the simple truth, it has a big impact. People trust me a lot, because they learn quickly that I'm open and not hiding anything. Being honest has a way of encouraging other people to be honest, too. The truth shall set you free 2
carhill Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Since the parameters and verifiability of mutual 'honesty' are impossible to achieve in nearly any circumstance, the answer is unknown. My opinion is 'no', it's not possible, perceptively. An example of one verifiable circumstance: My divorce was adjudicated at a particular time and date in 2010 and can be verified with the court. However, I could be remarried right now and it may be exceedingly difficult for a person to verify that unless they knew the jurisdiction and could access records there. Just imagine the billions of other tiny tidbits of 'stuff' which are never able to be verified independently. That's why we have 'trust'. We *believe* our partner is being honest. Lastly, 'honesty' doesn't necessarily trump impulse control nor social propriety. Otherwise, the word 'polite' and 'law abiding' would be trumped by 'honesty' without filters nor inhibitions. Ask any inmate who forgot that one. 'She pissed me off with her nagging so I shut her up'. That's honest. And illegal. How one expresses honesty is as important as the meat of honesty. Mixed bag, IMO. That's life.
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