good cop/bad cop Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I am in this prediciment. I am a MM who is deeply in love with my OW. It is more than just sex. We have so much in common, not to mention the fact that we can talk about anything. My relationshiop with her is something that I could have only dreamed of having. My problem is that she left her husband expecting me to leave my wife and kids to be with her. I truly want to be with her, but I need time to get my head straight and figure out if I am doing the right thing. This is a daily thought and concern for me. How do I leave my family. my kids? Am I being selfish? It has been five months now. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. We still see each other often, but not as often as before. She now has a "boyfriend" if that is what you want to call it. I am struggling with this.
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I am in this prediciment. I am a MM who is deeply in love with my OW. It is more than just sex. We have so much in common, not to mention the fact that we can talk about anything. My relationshiop with her is something that I could have only dreamed of having. My problem is that she left her husband expecting me to leave my wife and kids to be with her. I truly want to be with her, but I need time to get my head straight and figure out if I am doing the right thing. This is a daily thought and concern for me. How do I leave my family. my kids? Am I being selfish? It has been five months now. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. We still see each other often, but not as often as before. She now has a "boyfriend" if that is what you want to call it. I am struggling with this. First, decide if you love your wife enough to want to stay and fix things at home, and fix yourself. You can't hop out of a marriage and straight into the OW's arms..That's leaving your whole life behind for someone else. If your marriage is to end, let it be because you cannot stand being married to your wife anymore and you'd be better off alone, reguardless of what the OW does or doesn't do. The OW isn't 'waiting' for you. She left her husband because she wanted to, for herself so it seems and she's moved on. Get some counseling to help you sort this out and do tell your wife the truth about your affair and your desires. Maybe she will make the decision for you and divorce you so then you can be free. Keeping your wife in the dark, deciding if you're gonna stay or go without her input IS selfish and unfair. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Dude: You are in love with OW within the affair context, no doubt. You love her a lot and in the affair you can talk about anything, I agree. The problem is that your love only works in the affair bubble. If you break the bubble all hell breaks loose and the love is just not the same. And this is why so many MM's and MW's do not leave their BS's..Or if they do, they end up going back home and beg to be taken back.. Grass is greener..Until one realizes it isn't. 1
2sure Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 People divorce every single day. Poor people, rich people, with kids, without....everyone moves on. Why on earth is your wife, who will be most affected either way , not part of one of her life's biggest decisions? I mean, you have to end the marriage or fix it and you can't do either without her on board. The selfish thing here is thinking its all about you...like you're the only Main pllayer here for either your wife or OW. 4
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 It has been five months now. What have you been doing during those 5 months to help you make a decision? Have you gone to counseling? Talked to your wife? Or have you just 'thought' about this but put no real plan together to make changes? Life is short. If you truly are unhappy with your wife and marriage, then do divorce. You two can still co parent your children together, it'll be hard at first with all the adjustments but it can work. Or if you aren't sure who it is you want, don't sit there and do nothing. Be proactive! You'll get some good (sometimes harsh) advice on here. Some of it you may not want to hear, but it is helpful in the long run. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I think you should ask your best friend and life partner what to do. Remember her? Your wife? 5
SidLyon Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I am in this prediciment. I am a MM who is deeply in love with my OW. It is more than just sex. We have so much in common, not to mention the fact that we can talk about anything. My relationshiop with her is something that I could have only dreamed of having. My problem is that she left her husband expecting me to leave my wife and kids to be with her. I truly want to be with her, but I need time to get my head straight and figure out if I am doing the right thing. We hear (or rather read) this sort of stuff here on LS all the time. These are just words (from the "MM: having an affair manual" by the way) and we generally see far less in terms of "action". I get the impression people would rather talk/write than actually do. Well this is a time when actions count for more than words, so read all the advice (even if you're just a fly-by) and then DO something. This is a daily thought and concern for me. How do I leave my family. my kids? Am I being selfish? Well if you're genuine with your OW you just leave. Of course it's selfish, but so is having an affair and betraying your wife and family while stringing along your OW. you've already demonstrated your extreme selfishness so why be concerned about selfishness now? Maybe it's guilt! It has been five months now. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. We still see each other often, but not as often as before. She now has a "boyfriend" if that is what you want to call it. I am struggling with this. I expect you will lose your OW and also your wife, if you don't take some action. Are you at all concerned about losing your wife? if not, then that should be an incentive to leave her so you don't lose the OW too. Maybe you would just prefer to keep stringing along both women. You won't get a great deal of sympathy here because many posters are BW and OW, who have been in the position of either your wife or girlfriend. People here can't advise you which choice to make (wife or OW) but I think most would agree that you ought to make a choice then go with it. If you are having difficulty choosing then it's only kind to involve your wife as it affects her most of all. Telling your wife about this incredibly important issue in her life is also the right thing to do, but I doubt you want to hear that. To do nothing is extremely cruel to both women. My comments in bold above. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Of course you are being selfish. You want to keep your marriage and your gf. How could that be anything but selfish? What's truly selfish is keeping your wife, the one person your swore to honor above all others, as your fall-back plan. Sh*t does happen in this life and people do fall in and out of love. At the very least, your wife deserves the chance to make the same informed choice you're facing - go or stay.... Mr. Lucky 3
ComingInHot Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 How do You leave your family & kids?... File for divorce and joint custody, then pray they forgive you. Are you being selfish? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 How do You leave your family & kids?... File for divorce and joint custody, then pray they forgive you. Are you being selfish? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... LOL yes! Of course! But lets all remember that this is a WS, that is positing on this side. His heart must be on the right side of his dilema. Help him.
veryhappy Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) I have a Ph.D. in holding exMM's hand, so let me hold your hand and solve your predicament. In his case, he flip flopped from truly wanting to be with me to "sort of stumbling" on what I was offering. From he was done with her to "what her and I have". You are paralyzed and the only reason you'd do something is because she pressed you. What have you done though? Nothing. You want to stay M above all else. You don't need time, you don't need to clear your head. You've chosen. Now be fair and let your OW know, leave her alone and go back to your life. If you ever divorce you can let her know and see if she's available. Right now though, you have no intentions to be with her and you won't. Save everyone some grief and don't prolong the agony. Edited January 2, 2013 by cutedragon 1
ComingInHot Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Cantgetoverit; You are right. Sometimes when I read I read these posts, I feel my soul literally ache w/pain knowing exactly what his wife is going to go through. I will try, thank you for reminding me why I'm here. GoodCopBadCop; Like I said to Cantgetoverit, I (and many others here) KNOW what your wife is going to go through and feel. You cannot see it right now, But it is going to be a THOUSAND times Worse than any pain you are feeling right now. I know it sounds like I am "minimizing" your feelings. I'm not. I am saying that, w/out a doubt, what You are doing to Your WIFE & Children AND entire family is by far MORE hurtful than what you feel at present w/in your affair. Reality has a way of Smacking us in the face, knocking us back into our senses, giving us the old "heave hoe" out of our hot air ballons to leave us Free falling to the ground where we are forced to See the damage we've done and to face the consequences. OH what we do to try to climb back into our balloon and float away again! But that makes it worst. Are you a Business man? What is your area of expertise? It would be helpful to know what you "do" for a living on a daily basis in order to give you a tool or two that you may not realize you already have ... 1
nofool4u Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I am in this prediciment. I am a MM who is deeply in love with my OW. It is more than just sex. We have so much in common, not to mention the fact that we can talk about anything. My relationshiop with her is something that I could have only dreamed of having. My problem is that she left her husband expecting me to leave my wife and kids to be with her. I truly want to be with her, but I need time to get my head straight and figure out if I am doing the right thing. This is a daily thought and concern for me. How do I leave my family. my kids? Am I being selfish? Of course you are being selfish. You are expecting OW to wait for you, and now that she has a boyfriend, you don't like it. You are using your wife as the back burner good old stand by. Why not give her the opportunity to go out and find another man? It has been five months now. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. We still see each other often, but not as often as before. She now has a "boyfriend" if that is what you want to call it. I am struggling with this. You said it wasn't just about sex. Well if she has a bf now, I'd say it was. You are afraid of losing her, but aren't concerned about holding your wife hostage in a marriage to a man that wants another woman. Your kids will be fine, your wife will fair much better with someone else later on. Do them a favor and file for divorce. 2
Yellow1111 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I agree with whichwayisup. 5 months seems like a long time to be doing nothing. Regardless of the OW, life IS short and you need to examine why you've stayed married while wanting someone else. Your wife deserves the chance to find someone who really loves her! If you and the OW truly love each other, it may work. It also may NOT and she may be done. But you have to do it from a place of honesty and integrity... Not a great start thus far. I doubt she has another boyfriend, more likely wanted to get on with her life in a positive way and needed/wanted you to leave her alone. Affairs are draining. I don't see the kids being your biggest worry. Children thrive when their parents love them and are true to themselves. Staying stuck and modeling lying, cheating, etc. will damage them for sure. Likely already has. Sounds like what you are really afraid of is change, being seen as "the bad guy" or giving up some the material comforts in your current life. Just sayin'.
Furious Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I am in this prediciment. I am a MM who is deeply in love with my OW. It is more than just sex. We have so much in common, not to mention the fact that we can talk about anything. My relationshiop with her is something that I could have only dreamed of having. My problem is that she left her husband expecting me to leave my wife and kids to be with her. I truly want to be with her, but I need time to get my head straight and figure out if I am doing the right thing. This is a daily thought and concern for me. How do I leave my family. my kids? Am I being selfish? It has been five months now. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. We still see each other often, but not as often as before. She now has a "boyfriend" if that is what you want to call it. I am struggling with this. Maybe your wife will help you with your dilemma, many betrayed spouses hand their cheating husband their suitcase and wish them well to live happily ever after with their soulmate. Just saying... 3
SidLyon Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 OP hasn't come back yet. Perhaps a fly-by or an OW masquerading as a MM (it happens). Either way, most of the advice has been sound, so hopefully somebody will benefit. 2
ampersand Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Hey GCBC - I hear ya, man. My story is close enough to feel your pain. The feedback here should be thought provoking but I just wanted to show some support too. You won't find much of that here, which makes sense when you consider we are all bringing some baggage. The harsh comments sting because they hit home. You were already thinking a lot of these things and now you've invited a bunch of people from both the OW and BS side to gang up on you and send you into a spiral. Been there too. Helps me to think of you as a good man, because it's my way of telling myself that I am too. Helps others to call you a piece of sh*t, because that's where they are in their process. So try and keep that in perspective. You're paralyzed because you can't decide what will make you happy - to stay or to go. I propose a different way of thinking. First be happy, then decide. Don't let the decision be what dictates happiness, because both paths have some joys and some pain. Don't think about the past or the future, think about the present, and how you can be happy in it. There was a time before your wife and the OW that you were happy - think about how you can recreate that. Don't let the thoughts of your OW or your wife send you down a path of negative feeling. This approach seems to be helping me find a more solid foundation from which to make a decision. One that can more plainly face the potential of each choice and proceed without fear. The reality is, you have to be ready to lose both women, and more. The knowledge that you can weather that and come out happy is what you need before you embark on that journey. If you want to blow things up and start from the bottom then by all means take the prevailing advice and tell your wife "so she knows what a piece of sh*t you are" and your decision may be spelled out for you. I may do that at some stage but I would rather have an idea of how I want things to work out first - though knowing that there is only so much control I have anymore. 1
ampersand Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 BTW it also helps to do some of what we failed to do when we got ourselves into this: think it through. I find myself hanging on to these fantastical ideas of what life would be like, but when I start to think about how it would really transpire, it starts to crumble. Looked at any apartments lately? Remember that one where you could hear the neighbors like they were in the same room? Remember that first set of pots and pans you got at Kmart? Ready to start your life there again? Ready to live there alone and hide your relationship from your XW and kids? I don't think staying out of guilt is a sustainable approach but I do think a realistic look at the options is an important consideration... and one that helps shake the fog. What you are feeling right now is a sustained withdrawal from the fantasy, especially as it feels like it is being pulled away from you. Despite my words it hasn't been easy for me either.
jnel921 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 She sounds like a homey hopper just like my H's OW. He didn't do me the courtesy of telling me himself. She did because she thought if I gave him the boot he may want her or if her BF forgave her he'd stay. So in her twisted mind she believed someone wanted her and it would be whoever stayed. I told her she could keep him, but he didn't want to go. He wanted me. if you are having doubts maybe you should reconsider why you are not seeking those things you think this OW is giving you that you beleive your wife isn't. You may need to work on those things. You know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Expect the OW to always have other men dipping into her. Respect your wife and tell her the truth. She deserves to make her own choices about her future. She shouldn't have to wait until she catches you, gets a phone all or an STD before knowing the truth. You are a selfish liar. Put on some pants and be a man.
notanother1 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) sorry, can't do this Edited January 5, 2013 by notanother1
secretlady76 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 The OW should have left her marriage because it was no longer working, not because she wanted to be with you. Ok, you haven't done anything for 5 months but on the other hand it has given you time to decide if your marriage is worth as proper go, which you couldn't have done whilst still in contact with OW. Many people stay in their marriage because it's the easy option, it keeps damage to a minimum, you can keep the life you've grown accustomed to etc. But really; if you really no longer love your wife anymore, regardless of the OW, then really you should let her know so she can make a decision. Otheriwse you are living a lie. Surely you need to allow you and your wife to find someone that will really make you both happy. The kids; well as long as they're loved and supported then they will thrive. I don't beleive in waiting until they are at college before divorcing.....that makes their whole childhood a lie. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 sorry, can't do this This is an anonymous place and there is a lot of collective wisdom here. Please reconsider posting. Perhaps you could start your own thread? 1
Author good cop/bad cop Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I am here. Just watching and reading. I think the only reason I am still at home is the kids. I know this excuse sucks and it is probably over used. I also am aware of the hurt that I would cause. Don't think that because I am a man that I am not hurting either though. My marriage is one that is crumbling and it has from the start even before any of this. My wife is very controlling. This I have come to realize (through counselling). Yes, I said counselling. Both as a couple and as an induvidual. I feel very unappriciated at home and am often put down. (she says things like I am not her best friend and that I am unattractive) There is no communication between us, nor has there ever been. I don't have any imput on any decisions other than those that are financial. I work and she doesn't. I come home from 10 hour days and immediatly start to clean or cook dinner. She plays me very well. Do I feel guilty about what I am doing? Yes and no. My OW woman brings me so much joy and happiness that I feel that I deserve. Am I being fair to her (OW), no. However it is not easy for me to leave. I don't care about possessions, Kmart cookware, or paper thin apartment walls. I am worried about my children and the effect of all this will have on them. If I were to tell my wife that I was leaving she would go balistic. If she found out about this she would go ballastic. So basically I feel stuck. Like my tires are spinning in the mud. Thank you for the feed back positive and negative!
Confused48 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I am here. Just watching and reading. I don't have any imput on any decisions other than those that are financial. I work and she doesn't. I come home from 10 hour days and immediatly start to clean or cook dinner. She plays me very well. Good / bad, I'm a BS but I do have one thing in common with you. I let my WS play me big time. For a long time. Then after D day I got the guts to say no more. That I'd rather my WS leave me than be played anymore. At first WS did say it was over. But that was just tough talk. Fear set in for WS and WS stopped that. I called the bluff. You are in a good position to do that too. What would your W do if you insisted on being treated right? What have you got to lose? If it works she will see you as a strong confidant man and THAT is attractive. Could solve that problem too!
jnel921 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) GC/BC.... I feel compelled to respond as my situation almost mirrors yours. It was 5 months ago when my H had his sexual relationship. Although I uncovered suspicious cellphone calls and text messages he explained himself out of it and told me it was his best friends mistress whom he was trying to keep at bay for his friend who was away and she wanted to know where he was and often vented about her relationship to my H. During this time she complained about my H BF lack of attention and my H complained about a lot of the stuff you just mentioned. My H complained that I was controlling and that I didn't help much at home. That I wasn't being the W he wanted me to be. This woman used my H to get back at her MM. My H being the weak person he was fell for that and fell right in between her legs. My husband claims this happened only twice in a two week period where his friend was away. However my H claimed he told her that it wasn't going to happen again and she agreed as she wanted her MM. One day they got into a fight and I guess she thought she could call my H and when he told her he didn't want anything to do with her that is when she called me. After the discovery of the phone calls and text messages I was not surprised. I was hurt of course. We both had some very important things to discuss at that point. I don't know you, but I can tell you that I did communicate with my H. I always made my husband aware of this things that were lacking in our marriage. For a long time I was hurting, went to bed a lot of nights in tears wishing we got along better. The tone and conversations between us were never the best. Especially in front of our kids. My husband said I was controlling too. The only thing I am responsible for is our finances. I budget our checks pay our bills and make sure we have money for whatever we need. We both work and make decent amounts of money...so we both never really want for anything. He goes away to see his family whenever he wanted. His Sundays were dedicated to sports. I work during the day and he works at night so we really only see each other partially on the weekend and a couple of hours the day he is off. So the controlling part never made any sense to me. I can tell you that because we didn't get along, I did not want to do my part. I didn't feel like I wanted to help out or do anything extra while he was behaving like a total jerk to me. So basically we were being shi--y to each other. That happens when there are issues that need to be addressed. Screwing another woman didn't help. It didn't help me either. I was angry when that witch called me and told me about their affair then proceeded to tell me the stuff my H was complaining to her about me. Then I realized she had major issues as she is telling me how she didn't want to lose her MM but yet needed to tell me how she loved my H attention and how she liked screwing him. At that point I wished I could have kicked her a$$. The conversation was too long and pointless. She wanted whoever wanted her. She was a homey hopper, home wrecker, and a complete mental patient. I told my H if he wanted that he was very welcome to go. He didn't want to and said he was embarrassed that this even happened. He was sorry to have hurt his BF in the process as well. Since then we have been in counseling. We have both changed. It takes two people who want to make it work. Of course what he did pissed me off and destroyed me. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. After all was said and done there were really only two choices. Break up or work on rebuilding our marriage. We chose the latter. We are better now. We smile more and help each other without complaint. He shows me he loves me everyday which opens me up more and makes me want to do a little more for him everyday. Like I said in my earlier post. I wish the news would have come from him. It was tougher coming from her because it made him and the situation look worse. I am happy however that this has happened. It has changed our relationship for the better and we are still working on it. I really hope you think about your situation. You are not stuck in the mud. I am sure something other than your kids keeps you there. You need to go back and remind yourself of why you fell in love with your wife and find that again. If your W loves you and if you are truly remorseful and want to work things out she may give you a chance. Being upset is normal. No one ever expects the person they promise to cherish to fall into someone else's bed. You can't have both. Besides the OW doesn't love you. She loves your attention. There is someone else in her bed right now. Fix what you have. THe OW has deep issues. Edited January 5, 2013 by jnel921
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