Love and it's casualties

[youngnlove89]

It's crazy what we are capable of feeling for someone. How one person can make you feel inferior to the whole world.

 

Your friends and family tell you,

"It's okay, you deserve better"

"Everything is irrelevant, stop asking if they miss you, they don't."

"You are over-thinking everything, just let it go"

"He wasn't the one, you'll get over him"

 

We've heard it all. We've heard how we shouldn't feel this way or that way, that we should be happy that they are gone. That them leaving us was for the best. That we deserve better. That we shouldn't be crying over them or missing them or thinking about them. That they were losers, scumbags, pricks, jackass's and jerks.

 

And here we are. Clinging onto every memory we have left. Getting lost into the depths of our minds and painting the perfect scenario of when they come back and realize what we always had. Our thoughts become the victim, our feelings the enemy. At night is the worst, our desires and lost dreams haunt us. Our hands tremble, our memories shake us, our lips quiver as our eyes welt with tears. "They don't deserve your tears," they tell us.

 

And still.

 

Here we are everyday, proclaiming of love and love lost. No matter how it ended, no matter how big of a jerk they were, no matter how long it lasted...the hurt remains. It's there to remind us of what can happen if you love too hard.

 

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them that they won't.

 

But what happens when they do? Then what?

 

JUST FOR ONCE, why can't someone just tell you straight up that it sucks! That it will hurt every damn day and you will cry, you will wish all day long that they come back, you will hurt so bad that you rather have your fingernails pulled off. That what you are feeling is NORMAL. That it is okay to miss someone that left you. It is okay to still love them even if they did you wrong. Why can't someone just listen and build us up rather than put us down?

 

I wish people would stop blaming me. Stop telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. That I should be over him. That my self-esteem is low because I loved someone who was emotionally unavailable. That it's all my fault for letting my feelings get out of whack. That I shouldn't have taken him back every time.

 

If this were some premonition I was having, where I could go back to that very moment I met him, and have the opportunity to take it all back and walk away from ever meeting him, I WOULD. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to love someone who couldn't love me back! I didn't want to hurt so bad that I can't breathe! I didn't want to be ignored by someone I would do anything for! I didn't want unrequited love.

 

To all of you who are so strong, who can easily move on and drop the love of your life, who can find the hope that I never could, I hope you never have to know what it's like to love someone and then find out that you're not enough.

 

Because then you would realize how hard it is to let go.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have stopped talking to people who tell me to snap out of it. That includes ALL my friends and family. They have shown zero understanding of this, and I don't need their **** attitude, to be honest.

 

While they mean well, I don't want to have them in my life at the moment. I'd much rather go through this on my own. They usually tell you that you should reach out to friends and family after a break-up, but when I did, the things they told me made me feel worse.

 

I need to deal with things at my own pace, and realize certain things/truths at my own pace. Otherwise, any healing will be fake - forced healing is never true healing. I need time on my own, to process my feelings. And you know what? I can do it on my own. It helps when people (even strangers) show total understanding and do not try to tell me that I should snap out of it. Usually, those people are ones who have experienced this sort of thing fairly recently and are more in touch with their feelings than others who just tell you to snap out of it. If I could just snap out of it, duh, I wouldn't have needed your advice or support, would I?

 

IMO, those people who can let go so easily, never truly loved the person who dumped them.

[TaraMaiden]

....

 

IMO, those people who can let go so easily, never truly loved the person who dumped them.

 

I disagree.

 

Some people have low self-esteem, and believe nobody else could love them...

 

Others have a need to be loved, and cannot grasp that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end....

 

There are all kinds of ways to love.

The greatest of these is being able to truly love enough, to let go.

[sydneylovesyou123]

Wow, after reading that, I'm literally in tears. This is spot on exactly what I am going through. I always cling on to the memories because that's the only thing I have left of the person. I am sorta with a person who is emotionally unavailable, I dated him long distance for 5 months, now we are in limbo. I can't even be myself around him anymore because that's how emotionally unavailable he has become. And I will tell you, it is exhausting to feel this way. To constantly be trying and trying to get through the walls they built up. To have them treat you like **** and you just take it because you see right through the crap and know in your heart that the guy is a good person. Trust me, I have gotten every single one of those sayings said to me in past relationships and now. Truth is: they are right. Everyone is looking out for your best interest. People want us to be happy, especially the ones closest to us, family and friends. It's so easy for them to say, but once you look back and realize they were absolutely right in what they said.

 

Last night was probably one of the worst nights ever. My ex/bf, whatever you wanna call him has told me he doesn't know what he wants. So i've bene pushing to prove to him that I'm what he wants, asking him for a chance and whatnot. ME? A chance?! I DID NOTHING WRONG TO HAVE A CHANCE. He's the messed up one. But here I am, doing stupid things to keep him in my life. So I think last night was the last straw, as we were at a party through mutual friends. We went together, but he never really hung around me, which was fine, i don't wanna follow him around like a lost puppy dog. It's sorta like he is embarassed of me because he showed no affection until the ball dropped and gave me a quick kiss. Then when I fell asleep before he did, since he went to get food, I heard him come into the room where I was, said he was glad I was okay. Then went into another room to sleep on the couch. I texted him and said "come and sleep with me!" I heard him say to the people in the room next to me, "she just texted me to come sleep with her. I'll just pretend I didn't get the text, is that okay?" I was fuming. Now I look like some desperate person who wants him and he clearly doesn't want me. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, yet he continually says those things. It makes him seem like he isn't interested at all. I look like the fool. I'm tired of it. I shouldn't be asking for a chance when I've been nothing but a sweetheart that would drop anything and everything to be with him. I'm sorry for the rant.

 

 

I hope you know, I've been through heartbreak before, so this one will just add onto that. It does get easier, although it takes time. I will look back and laugh on all these things one day. I've done that in the past, laughed at how badly I was treated and how I just LET it happen like I'm a fricken doormat. I know you will too!

[youngnlove89]

If I could just snap out of it, duh, I wouldn't have needed your advice or support, would I?

 

 

This is what I'd like to say to so many people sometimes. It's not like this is what we wanted. And, in my own opinion, I don't think it's low self-esteem either. (I love ya Taira Maiden and you give the best advice ever, so no offense) I used to think it was low self esteem, but I just really don't feel that way anymore. I look in the mirror, and I know I'm beautiful. I know I could be with many different guys and I have options. I see that. But I don't want anyone else right now. I'm trying to get over my ex. And I love him enough to let go. But that doesn't mean it makes it any easier for me. It's still damn hard. I still cry, lately everyday. But tears are good. I'm pushing out all the hurt and pain. Crying is like releasing all the bad, it feels good.

 

And I feel strong for the most part, I know that even through all this pain I have now that one day (one day never comes fast enough) I'll be over him. Because I've been through this before. This is what I get for loving too hard.

 

I think, in my case, what hurts the most for me is how he ignores me. Ignoring someone is the worst.

[KatZee]

IMO, those people who can let go so easily, never truly loved the person who dumped them.

 

Wow. SO, SO, wrong. I can't even tell you how incredibly wrong you are. Letting go and doing what's best for your own sanity and your own mental health doesn't mean you never truly loved the person who dumped you. It means you love yourself, and you respect yourself way more than you will ever love and respect someone who's done you so wrong, who's hurt you time and time and again. It's about doing what's best for YOU and to stop giving a crap about how your dumper feels.

 

I wanted to marry my ex. I saw my whole life with him. I sacrificed everything for him. I gave up so much for him. I accommodated him with everything. I gave 200% to that relationship. But you know what, after lying, cheating, and continuing to disrespect me, I'm sorry. I'm not going to continue giving my love, devotion and dedication to someone that can't even be bothered to appreciate one ounce of me. THAT is what I personally focus on. I don't sit and wallow in all the happy memories, because what are they if the rest of the time they're out doing shady crap behind your back? I focus on who the person truly is. A liar. A cheater. A self absorbed, emotionally unavailable, selfish, disrespectful person. Seeing someone for who they are is going to push you to move on and get over it much sooner than sitting in your room wallowing.

 

No one said it wouldn't be painful and suck. I don't think anyone on these boards has ever said, "just get over it, it's fine."

 

I think almost everyone has made the mistake of going back to someone a second time, or giving someone a second chance after they've done something horrible, but going back for thirds, fourths, fifths, sixths and sevenths unfortunately does become the dumpee's fault.

[NoMoreJerks]

I disagree.

 

Some people have low self-esteem, and believe nobody else could love them...

 

Others have a need to be loved, and cannot grasp that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end....

 

There are all kinds of ways to love.

The greatest of these is being able to truly love enough, to let go.

I was talking about friends and family who give you the advice to "just snap out of it." Those people, from experience, have a very cold, calculated, business-like approach to relationships. My parents are like that, and the same goes for my sister. In fact, my sister , who is married -- I have never seen her be in any way passionate about her husband / in love with him, etc., at ANY point in their relationship. I am not, and can never be like that. I am a passionate person, and I can never look at relationships as business-like "matching your interests to the interests of someone else." This is not some sort of experiment with robots, or something like the software they have on some online dating sites where they show you that you're a "80% match" for this or that person. That's why I can never do online dating in the first place. It sounds too businesslike, too cold, too calculated.

 

They do not have self-esteem issues, because I know them too well. I am good friends with them, and while one can never know for sure that someone has self-esteem issues, I think those who have really serious self-esteem issues, will show it at some point.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wow. SO, SO, wrong. I can't even tell you how incredibly wrong you are. Letting go and doing what's best for your own sanity and your own mental health doesn't mean you never truly loved the person who dumped you.

I never said that someone who has loved can never let go. I have loved, and I know that I need to let go. My comment is about those who think that you can "just snap out of it" overnight, and who get frustrated with you when you don't. It shows a lack of understanding of what love and hearbreak makes one feel like.

[youngnlove89]

Wow, after reading that, I'm literally in tears. This is spot on exactly what I am going through. I always cling on to the memories because that's the only thing I have left of the person. I am sorta with a person who is emotionally unavailable, I dated him long distance for 5 months, now we are in limbo. I can't even be myself around him anymore because that's how emotionally unavailable he has become. And I will tell you, it is exhausting to feel this way. To constantly be trying and trying to get through the walls they built up. To have them treat you like **** and you just take it because you see right through the crap and know in your heart that the guy is a good person. Trust me, I have gotten every single one of those sayings said to me in past relationships and now. Truth is: they are right. Everyone is looking out for your best interest. People want us to be happy, especially the ones closest to us, family and friends. It's so easy for them to say, but once you look back and realize they were absolutely right in what they said.

 

Last night was probably one of the worst nights ever. My ex/bf, whatever you wanna call him has told me he doesn't know what he wants. So i've bene pushing to prove to him that I'm what he wants, asking him for a chance and whatnot. ME? A chance?! I DID NOTHING WRONG TO HAVE A CHANCE. He's the messed up one. But here I am, doing stupid things to keep him in my life. So I think last night was the last straw, as we were at a party through mutual friends. We went together, but he never really hung around me, which was fine, i don't wanna follow him around like a lost puppy dog. It's sorta like he is embarassed of me because he showed no affection until the ball dropped and gave me a quick kiss. Then when I fell asleep before he did, since he went to get food, I heard him come into the room where I was, said he was glad I was okay. Then went into another room to sleep on the couch. I texted him and said "come and sleep with me!" I heard him say to the people in the room next to me, "she just texted me to come sleep with her. I'll just pretend I didn't get the text, is that okay?" I was fuming. Now I look like some desperate person who wants him and he clearly doesn't want me. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, yet he continually says those things. It makes him seem like he isn't interested at all. I look like the fool. I'm tired of it. I shouldn't be asking for a chance when I've been nothing but a sweetheart that would drop anything and everything to be with him. I'm sorry for the rant.

 

 

I hope you know, I've been through heartbreak before, so this one will just add onto that. It does get easier, although it takes time. I will look back and laugh on all these things one day. I've done that in the past, laughed at how badly I was treated and how I just LET it happen like I'm a fricken doormat. I know you will too!

 

 

Thank you. It is hard. And I'm sorry you had to go through that. I just can't understand the human mind and the feelings we feel. Why do we care so much about someone who doesn't treat us right?! What is the point?

 

I wish we were all capable of moving on the instant someone decides they don't love us anymore. The world would be a better place and it would make more sense.

 

I've been through it before, actually worse then this breakup. I dated this guy for 10 months and we were living together, building our new home, he gave me a ring, we bought a dog, we were in love. He treated me like a princess too. Then I found out he had another girlfriend (4.5 year relationship) in a different city that was off and on and he visited her on the weekends. Then I found out that there was another girl he dated for a couple months. THEN I found out he was sleeping with his client (who was married) He dated 3 other girls in our relationship and I didn't even see that, because he was home every night, besides weekends when he said he was "working with his dad." And guess what, today he is married to his older client (she divorced her husband) and they have a baby on the way!! Life is shocking.

 

I was a zombie in that breakup. I couldn't watch the TV, I couldn't eat, I couldn't listen to my favorite song, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even stand for long periods. I cried and it was the horrible moaning cry. I lost a ton of weight and became very depressed. It took me two years to get over what he did to me. I think once you hit rock bottom like that, you don't ever want to go back to that. I promised myself I would never let a guy make me feel like that again. I definitely handle breakups differently now, they still hurt, but i will never let my life slip because of them.

 

That is my inspiration. Knowing that I have been through worse, and I got over it. And I WILL get over this too, after I deal with all my emotions.

[TaraMaiden]

I was talking about friends and family who give you the advice to "just snap out of it." Those people, from experience, have a very cold, calculated, business-like approach to relationships. My parents are like that, and the same goes for my sister. In fact, my sister , who is married -- I have never seen her be in any way passionate about her husband / in love with him, etc., at ANY point in their relationship. I am not, and can never be like that. I am a passionate person, and I can never look at relationships as business-like "matching your interests to the interests of someone else." This is not some sort of experiment with robots, or something like the software they have on some online dating sites where they show you that you're a "80% match" for this or that person. That's why I can never do online dating in the first place. It sounds too businesslike, too cold, too calculated.

 

They do not have self-esteem issues, because I know them too well. I am good friends with them, and while one can never know for sure that someone has self-esteem issues, I think those who have really serious self-esteem issues, will show it at some point.

 

Ok, I get your point now....

 

Thanks for clarifying....

[KatZee]

I never said that someone who has loved can never let go. I have loved, and I know that I need to let go. My comment is about those who think that you can "just snap out of it" overnight, and who get frustrated with you when you don't. It shows a lack of understanding of what love and hearbreak makes one feel like.

 

Anyone who thinks you can get over someone you loved overnight clearly has never been in love period. I think people just get frustrated hearing the same story over and over so the knee jerk reaction is to just snap and say "get over it!"

[youngnlove89]

I focus on who the person truly is. A liar. A cheater. A self absorbed, emotionally unavailable, selfish, disrespectful person. Seeing someone for who they are is going to push you to move on and get over it much sooner than sitting in your room wallowing.

 

No one said it wouldn't be painful and suck. I don't think anyone on these boards has ever said, "just get over it, it's fine."

 

I think that is good advice, to focus on what they really were. I think I'll practice that. Maybe that will help me.

 

And I wasn't pointing fingers at LS, this is what my friends and family tell me also. This is what I've seen people tell other people.

 

People feel different. People love different. and we all handle things different. What I feel, is different then what you have felt. There is no way to know how I feel, because only I can feel it.

 

Sure, going back to a guy who is emotionally unavailable more than once is probably not the best idea in the world. I've learned that the hard way, but at the time I was too in love to be bothered by what was "wrong" or "right" I did what I felt, I followed what I thought would make me happy. Because in the end, I wanted happiness.

[NoMoreJerks]

Anyone who thinks you can get over someone you loved overnight clearly has never been in love period. I think people just get frustrated hearing the same story over and over so the knee jerk reaction is to just snap and say "get over it!"

Hence what I said in my initial post.

[BUBS]

I feel your pain. These people that tell you to suck it up and do what you need to do are not out to get you, in some cases they lack empathy, but in more cases they just really want you to get out of the funk and be the person that they remember, no one that cares about you wants you to be miserable, and perhaps they just really don't understand what it is to love something more than you love yourself, that kind of crazy high, manic low, toxic love. I too try to avoid the ones that sugarcoat this process, unless I feel I am in need of a reality check. I agree with you entirely, it is miserable... and in time you almost become friends with that kind of pain, it's the only thing that reminds you that they existed, that at some point this person was so worthy of your love, that you are withdrawing from a different time... it's hard to face reality when someone shows disgusting and sick colors, to be fooled. It goes against our basic understandings of companionship.

 

The thought process is different. As dumpees a choice was taken from us. As you said, we dwell on the positive, even the negative but all in all the people who left do not dwell like we are, they are not purposefully sitting in bed conjuring up that time you danced in the kitchen at 3 am together, or professed your love for one another on the beach... since the choice was theirs, they choose in many circumstances to not continuously second guess their decision. This is not to say that they probably dont occasionally think, miss, and get nostalgic, but they absolutely do not torment themselves like we do, if they did, they would find enough good to come running back, just as we have. In our minds from constantly rehashing those memories and experiences, it becomes difficult to understand how they haven't come back, or why they weren't better to us.

 

Like you, my ex came back a few times over the last 10 years (I'm 23 so you can understand that this man has been a huge part of the little life I've had on this earth), one of which was what I thought the real thing was finally happening, devine timing. We got engaged, we lived together, we were happy... but at our age the expectations for what a long term relationship is supposed to feel like are falsified... and many struggle with coming to terms that the butterflies and honeymoon does not last forever, and ultimately see the loss of that particular feeling as "falling out of love" or a "problem" instead of what it really is...comfort, loss of mystery, a need to actually begin working on the relationship.

 

When he left me the first time, when I was 16... I used to run around saying the same quote you said with an added ending to everyone that questioned why I was so damaged from the loss...

 

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, trusting that they wont...and still loving them when they do"

 

Take heart youngnlove... you have loved madly, and with every fiber of your being... and you are paying the ultimate price. It stings, it aches... this is one of the few scenarios in a persons life where their character is truly tested... where they question the bigger purpose, what people are really about, and every other thing that everyone secretly fears having to confront but never thinks of till they actually have to. It is a frightening thing coming to terms with a loss like this, and some never do, I didn't the first time he left, for 5 years I lived my life as if he would return even slightly, I refused to put myself in situations where it would make it impossible for him to come back, even turned down a proposal from a relationship that occurred inbetween.

 

But we are older now... and while you may not want to, or know how (none of us do) it is important to remember that what you do in the future is now up to you... this can be the most horrible part of the whole thing... realizing that you have to find joy in other things and goals that don't pertain to a life with them... it seems impossible. When we were with them, any goal we had was an "added bonus" the dream of having a successful career was a dream that involved in it, having them to be proud of us. Getting a home in our mind had them in it, you get the point... and now imagining the same goals you once had that probably inspired and lifted your spirits, hurts... but you have to pursue them anyway...from here on out its trial and error... some things wont make you happy, and some will... this will be harder now that you don't have the crutch of someone you love to soften the blows of finding your path... but you will find a path, we all will. I wish you a happy new year, and good luck... for all these people commenting with tough love, for the family and friends trying to give you common sense generic advice for your loss, just remember, as unlucky as you feel right now... you are luckier than many of the people who were capable of dropping that pain quickly, because your heart is enormous and most don't get to experience love like that in a lifetime or the lessons that can be taken from it, even if it was one sided.

 

Learn what lessons need to be learned, grow stronger and become more self sufficient, with every bad day that you lean on yourself for instead of him you will find another piece of your life puzzle, for every time you change your own damn tire or oil, you will empower yourself a little more, and for every time you choose to not be ashamed of giving too much of yourself to another, forgive yourself and trust that you will carry on a healthier relationship with time, you will fill the void eventually. Continue to post, continue to write, continue making yourself into the best version of yourself you can become... all of us know that a great deal can happen in one year, we can meet the love of our lives, we can get our hearts broken... one step at a time darling!

[TaraMaiden]

Weird...I've said this twice in the past 24 hours....

 

Every situation has different protagonists, but many, many situations bear a striking similarity.

We get a lot of posts from people responding to the comments and threads of others, with "OMG, you have just described my situation perfectly!" or "Are you sure we don't live with the same person??"

 

As humans, we 'run with the herd, and develop similar coping strategies.

 

Which is why an awful lot of seasoned 'advisers' become impatient and sound a bit heartless. Because it's different people, but the trials and tribulations are 'the same'....

 

But sometimes, the posters do deserve a slap upside de head....

[mammasita]

I think people just get frustrated hearing the same story over and over so the knee jerk reaction is to just snap and say "get over it!"

 

Very true. Especially for those that don't learn from their mistakes and keep doing the same dumb **** over and over. I'll be the first to tell them to "suck it up and stop being an idiot"

[ScienceGal]

Every situation is different. I'm not sure on the specifics of yours, so this is very general.

 

After a separation, some people outwardly express their feelings while some internalize it. Some reach out, and beg, while others shut down. Who "loved" more is indiscernible.

 

I will tell you that it sucks. Especially when it seems they've moved on. Especially when you get to the point where you feel that you should have moved on as well. Just realize that the people giving you the "chin up" advice care for you and want to see you happy. They're not going to promote that you wallow and reminisce, because that brings pain. They do understand though, on some level. Everyone has been there, but no one wants to be reminded of it.

 

And, it is emotionally draining to friends and family if the grieving process is long and all they see of you is a depressed shell. I've been on both sides of this.

 

There is no timeline to emotional healing, and it certainly isn't linear. Cut your friends and family some slack, and cut yourself some too. It sucks and it will continue to suck, but just try to find things, however small, that bring you joy.

[TaraMaiden]

Very true. Especially for those that don't learn from their mistakes and keep doing the same dumb **** over and over. I'll be the first to tell them to "suck it up and stop being an idiot"

 

(My comments above were in response to that very point in KatZee's post....)

[NoMoreJerks]

With my parents, I never bothered them about the story with my ex. I only told them about it once or twice (once after each of our break-ups). But they were really mad at me for not getting over it "overnight." If I talked with them and sounded depressed/down, they'd get mad at me. So much so, that I didn't want to talk to them anymore because I couldn't fake being happy anymore. I mean, they literally expected me to get over him overnight. With my parents, I can understand , because I don't think they've ever truly been in love -- their marriage was sort of , almost an arranged marriage. My dad was introduced to my mom by his family, they met a few times, then got married.

 

My sister, on the other hand? I don't get it. She's only 33, so it's not like she's ancient -- but she just thinks that I was just being a drama queen (again, I only told her about this guy once or twice at the most).

[na49]

Gah reading that made me miss her even more...

 

I hate this feeling. I hate that she's gone. I hate that she picked her new friends and him over me. I hate that everything I did wasn't enough. I hate that she's never coming back. I hate that I'm alone while she's out f*cking new guys already. I hate that we go to the same college and I'll always have a chance of running into her possibly with another guy who she loves more than me. I hate that she just wants to be friends. I hate that I trusted her. I hate that she doesn't care anymore. I hate waking up and going to sleep thinking of her. I hate it!

 

On a more related note. My older brother has never had a romantic relationships. He's never really had a "true" girlfriend in my opinion. He's never brought a girl home and introduced her to our family. He never went out on little trips with a girl. He never has really been in love. And yet he is the one who tells me "Just get over it." "Stay friends with her, she's a cool girl." He has no idea how difficult this is to deal with. I haven't spoken to him about my feelings in a long time now because I know he doesn't understand. My own brother doesn't understand the feeling that I'm going through and for his sake I hope a girl never breaks his heart like a girl broke mine. A year ago today if you told me I'd be feeling the way I feel, I wouldn't have believed you. On the verge of tears, feeling miserable. Me? Heart broken? Over a girl who cheated on me? pshh you're crazy. Well this is crazy, but it doesn't stop it from hurting so bad.

 

It's easy to just say "move on", it's harder to actually go through with it. That's why coming here has been helpful though, we all have been through it. I get better advice dealing with my situation from here than I did from my friends.

[KatZee]

Hence what I said in my initial post.

 

I think I interpreted it the way TaraMaiden did. It sounded like you were saying those who move on easy never loved them, but I get it now.

[youngnlove89]

I feel your pain. These people that tell you to suck it up and do what you need to do are not out to get you, in some cases they lack empathy, but in more cases they just really want you to get out of the funk and be the person that they remember, no one that cares about you wants you to be miserable, and perhaps they just really don't understand what it is to love something more than you love yourself, that kind of crazy high, manic low, toxic love. I too try to avoid the ones that sugarcoat this process, unless I feel I am in need of a reality check. I agree with you entirely, it is miserable... and in time you almost become friends with that kind of pain, it's the only thing that reminds you that they existed, that at some point this person was so worthy of your love, that you are withdrawing from a different time... it's hard to face reality when someone shows disgusting and sick colors, to be fooled. It goes against our basic understandings of companionship.

 

The thought process is different. As dumpees a choice was taken from us. As you said, we dwell on the positive, even the negative but all in all the people who left do not dwell like we are, they are not purposefully sitting in bed conjuring up that time you danced in the kitchen at 3 am together, or professed your love for one another on the beach... since the choice was theirs, they choose in many circumstances to not continuously second guess their decision. This is not to say that they probably dont occasionally think, miss, and get nostalgic, but they absolutely do not torment themselves like we do, if they did, they would find enough good to come running back, just as we have. In our minds from constantly rehashing those memories and experiences, it becomes difficult to understand how they haven't come back, or why they weren't better to us.

 

Like you, my ex came back a few times over the last 10 years (I'm 23 so you can understand that this man has been a huge part of the little life I've had on this earth), one of which was what I thought the real thing was finally happening, devine timing. We got engaged, we lived together, we were happy... but at our age the expectations for what a long term relationship is supposed to feel like are falsified... and many struggle with coming to terms that the butterflies and honeymoon does not last forever, and ultimately see the loss of that particular feeling as "falling out of love" or a "problem" instead of what it really is...comfort, loss of mystery, a need to actually begin working on the relationship.

 

When he left me the first time, when I was 16... I used to run around saying the same quote you said with an added ending to everyone that questioned why I was so damaged from the loss...

 

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, trusting that they wont...and still loving them when they do"

 

Take heart youngnlove... you have loved madly, and with every fiber of your being... and you are paying the ultimate price. It stings, it aches... this is one of the few scenarios in a persons life where their character is truly tested... where they question the bigger purpose, what people are really about, and every other thing that everyone secretly fears having to confront but never thinks of till they actually have to. It is a frightening thing coming to terms with a loss like this, and some never do, I didn't the first time he left, for 5 years I lived my life as if he would return even slightly, I refused to put myself in situations where it would make it impossible for him to come back, even turned down a proposal from a relationship that occurred inbetween.

 

But we are older now... and while you may not want to, or know how (none of us do) it is important to remember that what you do in the future is now up to you... this can be the most horrible part of the whole thing... realizing that you have to find joy in other things and goals that don't pertain to a life with them... it seems impossible. When we were with them, any goal we had was an "added bonus" the dream of having a successful career was a dream that involved in it, having them to be proud of us. Getting a home in our mind had them in it, you get the point... and now imagining the same goals you once had that probably inspired and lifted your spirits, hurts... but you have to pursue them anyway...from here on out its trial and error... some things wont make you happy, and some will... this will be harder now that you don't have the crutch of someone you love to soften the blows of finding your path... but you will find a path, we all will. I wish you a happy new year, and good luck... for all these people commenting with tough love, for the family and friends trying to give you common sense generic advice for your loss, just remember, as unlucky as you feel right now... you are luckier than many of the people who were capable of dropping that pain quickly, because your heart is enormous and most don't get to experience love like that in a lifetime or the lessons that can be taken from it, even if it was one sided.

 

Learn what lessons need to be learned, grow stronger and become more self sufficient, with every bad day that you lean on yourself for instead of him you will find another piece of your life puzzle, for every time you change your own damn tire or oil, you will empower yourself a little more, and for every time you choose to not be ashamed of giving too much of yourself to another, forgive yourself and trust that you will carry on a healthier relationship with time, you will fill the void eventually. Continue to post, continue to write, continue making yourself into the best version of yourself you can become... all of us know that a great deal can happen in one year, we can meet the love of our lives, we can get our hearts broken... one step at a time darling!

 

Wow thank you for this. This really made me feel better for once. If anything it helped me better understand my breakup and why it's okay to feel the way I do.

 

This is what we need more of. Encouragement. Someone to root you on right through the breakup and to a better life! Someone who lifts your spirits and doesn't tell you what to do, but rather shows you what you can do.

 

Putting someone down, telling them "you are a fool to take him back countless times," or that it is "your own fault for how you feel because you choose to hold on," or getting tired of their "bullsh.it" and saying we deserve a slap on the head, never helps that person heal. But makes us deeper in that hole.

 

It made me feel ashamed. It made me feel like I loved wrong and that my feelings were wrong. And that it was my fault. I held in my tears for so long because I was ashamed of crying. I stopped talking about how I was feeling inside for the mere fact that I was scared what people would say. I avoided this site many times and just wrote to myself. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone on here because no one understood. I knew if I came on here, I would get bashed and be seen as pathetic.

 

For once, it feels nice to know what it was okay to love and it was okay to make mistakes and mess up. It's okay to hurt. It's part of the process. It's okay to have your ups and downs.

 

This advice right here helped me more than anything I ever read before. This give me the strength I needed to see what I was afraid to see.

 

Instead of feeling ashamed and scared, I feel empowered and more wise. I feel happy. I can now see that there will be a day when I can truly put the past away.

[cavalier99]

Hey NA49. I THINK YOUR MAKING PROGRESS!

 

The "i hate this and that" venting post you just wrote is important! You are processing you emotions and grieving. Good job!

 

See how this started to happen after you blocked her!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Sometimes, when people who care tell you to "snap out of it," they really aren't telling you to just forget about your love.

 

They may be telling you to "snap out" of a behavior AROUND your feelings of loss.

 

I think when we tell people around here to stop over-thinking and trying to analyze somebody who's long gone, it might be perceived as saying "just forget you loved him / her," but it's not meant that way.

 

Same with "stop wallowing and get out of bed; put down the bong, take a shower and put your make-up on."

 

Your feelings will be what they are, but overindulgence, drama, self destructive behavior, obsessing, stalking, begging - all could be "snapped out" of if a person were willing to.

 

Many years ago one of my dearest friends went through hell with a wretched guy. After a few months of me listening to EVERY detail about how he did her wrong (and he did) while she kept running back to him if he dropped a crumb, finally I told her that I was no longer available to hear a single thing about this ass. She was pissed.

 

After some time passed, she thanked me. We spent a lot of time together, and me putting the kibosh on the obsessive sharing actually helped her move on.

 

That was over 20 years ago and when we talk now, we laugh about "he who shall remain nameless."

 

OP - I am not saying you are doing any of those things.

 

The act of letting go results from a conscious decision and it is, in fact, an action. After a while, your feelings will follow.