How to deal with having the same course/similar activities as my ex?

[GlassParasol]

I know this has likely been asked before and sorry if it's in the wrong section, but I'm back at Uni in a week and also going to be taking on outside classes again. Both are situations in which I know I'll see my ex at (we also have many mutual friends). I'm just wondering how to approach this. I've mainly attempted to take no notice of him mostly for whenever I've seen him out during this holiday period, maintained cutting him off from my life, and I've always had a wide range of friends there to take my mind off the situation.

 

The class outside though, is a particularly small one (a martial arts class), which means there's more chance of us having to interact. I will be civil with him if need be, and there's also the prospect of us working together in Uni. I just...I'm focusing on myself from now on, and I know that it'd be wrong to drop something I love doing for the simple reason of him being there. He can't control what I do, he's not involved anymore.

 

Does anyone have advice on how I can cope with still seeing him around on a regular basis, or has anyone been in this position?

[GlassParasol]

First, thank you for your reply.

 

I can't give much advice, but I'm in a pretty similar position (no uni, no courses, but lots of mutual friends and activities that we normally do together) and really haven't figured it out myself yet.

 

One thing I can tell you is that it's much harder than I thought it would be. He and I actually had a conversation about how to handle this. We set ground rules, common-sense things like that no one takes it personally if the other is more comfortable sitting at the far end of the table, and whether we want to be included when the other gets the gang together for some activity or other. It was all very adult and civilized.

 

Yes, I'm just wondering how things will be back when Uni starts too, it's not really kicked off yet apart from one day briefly before Christmas break started. It is a hard one to figure, I agree and I've not even started yet, haha. It was good at least you both had that talk - we really messed things up with ours - he wanted it to be, in his words, "as if nothing ever happened", but at the same time still wanted to be there for me? Which got me confused and then we had a drunken incident which didn't help. I currently don't talk to him, because it's the only way I can cope but I know there's going to be a point where I have to. I want it to be adult and civilized too.

 

None of that stopped me from getting trashed at an NYE party that he was also at last night and spending half the party running outside to cry on the porch. (I am fairly certain that I would have been able to handle myself better if I'd been sober, so I guess that's lesson #1. In my defense, though, that's kind of what NYE is for.)

 

Ah, know the feeling - he was at a NYE party too, regarding when I meant I've seen him over Christmas. I'm sorry it got to you like that, I've been there also when smashed. I was composed enough and enjoyed myself for some of the night, though afterwards I confided to a friend I wasn't really feeling it anymore and I did get close to tears. Yes, NYE is the night of the year to really go all out haha.

 

I agree 100% with the above...in theory. Recent experience is making me reconsider what it will look like in practice, though. Can you make small changes to reduce the chance that you'll have to interact with him? Eg., switching to another timeslot for the martial arts class, pre-arranging with others in your course that you'll do all your group projects together, so you won't get stuck working with the ex, etc. Not forever, hopefully, but for long enough that you'll be able to stop being so affected by him.

 

Yes, and that's what I'm afraid of too - how I think about it may be very different from what actually happens in reality. I'm not sure I can do anything about the martial arts class unfortunately, think it might be just that slot for at least one of the classes...I'll look into it though. But that's a great idea for my course - for now at least, I'd rather not have to be in a position where I have to work with him - particularly if it's a two person project. Yes, just until I feel better about the situation and it doesn't affect me.

 

I don't know; I wish I had some better advice. Good luck.

 

You did have some good advice and suggestions. I'll definitely take them on board. Thank you.