JandyE Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 When I'm dating someone, I find I have no problem showing affection in public or when alone with that person. However, I have a hard time showing any affection around my friends or family. I was raised with lots of love, kisses, and hugs. My parents were affectionate in my presence, even though there was constant infidelity. No sexual abuse, no denial of affection as a child. So I don't think this has much to do with my upbringing, but I won't rule that out. I have a son whom I shower with affection all the time anywhere we go. When it comes to dating and being in a relationship where even hand-holding seems like a daunting task, I have issues. I've found in the past, I wasn't shown affection in public by many love interests and I grew cold to love. It wasn't until my mid-twenties when I was in more adult-like relationships the other person was affectionate. They didn't have to hide our relationship, but I did only in front of people I knew. Not like I wanted to, but it was increasingly uncomfortable to show any type of affection. Like I said, I have no problem around strangers or when alone. Thoughts? I'm seeing someone new and I don't want this to be an issue. Nearly every man I've been with has cheated on me and I can't help but feel they did it in search of the affection they craved. I know the biggest part of the infidelity was because I happen to be a very successful classy woman. I was on their level and they chose women who were beneath them in some way to boost their own egos. I really don't want this to be an issue with the new guy, but it became an issue last night. I explained my PDA issue and he's willing to work with me while I figure it out. What do you think?
carhill Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Welcome to LS So I'm clear, you have no issues showing affection *to* your friends and family in social situations but have a more difficult time showing affection to a love interest *around* them. Is that right? If a behavior inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. Considering you feel this is an issue for yourself, and apparently have experienced infidelity and betrayal in past relationships, have you considered getting professional help with the psychological aspects of your affection and intimacy styles? Perhaps you could learn some tools to process the impetuses to your affection style in a different way and alter the style to one which apparently would match up better with what you express you want or believe is healthy. It's like you know it but are not feeling it, or are feeling inhibited. That can be addressed. Good luck.
Author JandyE Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I'm in therapy as a result of my previous relationship. I have an appointment in a few days. Just wanted to get more than one opinion. Thanks.
carhill Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 A competent psychologist will facilitate your journey and offer tools along the way. You didn't clarify my question regarding affection style. Clarity helps understand whether this style is situational or global. It's all good information.
Author JandyE Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I have no problem showing affection to anyone in any situation besides my significant other. And the show of affection to my partner is only in front of friends and family.
joli_doll Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I also think discussing this issue with a therapist will help you sort things out. In my opinion, it seems like your trouble with PDA around friends/family is a subconscious precautionary method in case the relationship ends up falling apart. This is a deduction based on betrayal in your past relationships and although unintentional, I think your current uneasiness is brought on to prevent any form of scrutiny, pity, judgment or to avoid appearing broken down if there is a breakup. Because of this, I think you will need to work on establishing trust in a partner corresponding the relationship along with being mindful that past deceptions are unrelated and irrelevant to your existing relationships. Those are just my 2¢ ...I hope you make sense of things with ease
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Have you explored intimacy and trust issues in counseling yet? The wall you put up when you're alone serves a purpose for you - what is that?
ChessPieceFace Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Nearly every man I've been with has cheated on me LOL. If that's true it's because you pursue amoral "bad boy" men. Even if you were totally non-affectionate, if your dating pool represented a normal cross-section of men, it would be incredibly unlikely that "nearly every" one of them would have cheated on you. Date someone with ethics next time.
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