chalk Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Hey, I read many stories but I’d like to share mine to get some advice. I have been with a girl during 3years and 8 months. Though we are from the same country, we met abroad when we were 18 and we fell in love. We were quite different people but it was something really rewarding; we were discovering great new things thanks to each other and we were feeding each other’s world. Of course, everything hasn’t been perfect during our time together; we were both inexperienced with relationships and so we did some mistakes (no cheating) or said some things that were not always quite all right. But we also learned from those difficult moments and we got stronger out of them. We lived together abroad during one year. After that, when we were back in our country, we would mostly be together during week-ends because we were living quite far from each other. Her family situation has always been kind of messed up, and it was affecting her a lot. I was supporting her the best I could with that. Last year, she went on an Erasmus during 6 months. It hasn’t always been easy to deal with the distance but we managed to get through it. Like the rest, it made us stronger. We were really in love with each other. When she came back, I went to study in her city for a few months (some school exchange that I had arranged). We were both really happy about it. We slowly started to face some issues though. It was a time of big stress for the two of of us and I believe that we were letting our frustration go on each other. We talked about it and we both apologized for some things we did or said. It was great because we were able to say how we were feeling and all those things. Times were tough but love was there. A few weeks went on and things were getting better. Then, she left for a few days to visit her sister who studies abroad. Unfortunately, she had a big fight with her sister the last day. When she was back, she told me that she was really not fine with herself anymore and that she needed time alone. I was extremely surprised with that sudden decision. She told me that she didn’t deserve me and that she wanted to give me a better person. I tried to reason her and to explain that I couldn’t wish better than her but she insisted; she needed time alone. After a few days, I told her that she was actually breaking up with me and that she should have the honesty to say it. I repeated “say it… I break up with you.” many times and she finally said it to me, but she was crying and I could see that she was in love with me. I insisted so much that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing anymore. After that, long story short, things got pretty messed up. I was completely broken and I went through many different steps: anger and insults, excuses and begging, … It wasn’t easy at all for me because she really closed herself to me very quickly and so, she didn’t give me any other answer. I was lost. I insisted a lot to get answers in conversations that looked more like fights and cries, and the few hints that I got got me even more confused: “You and I are just too different” – “I am not fine enough with myself to give myself to someone else” – “you were always saying mean things about me” - … After about two months, I told her that I needed a clear closure and that if she wasn’t in love with me anymore, she should say it. But she didn’t and she only told me that she couldn’t do anything from me and that I didn’t have to expect any rational explanation from her. She was totally closed to me, like wearing a carapace and contacts (mostly mails then) became colder and more painful for me. Slowly we went no contact for more than a month. It was holidays then, and I did a big trip to change my mind. I thought that I wasn’t going to hear from her anymore but she did contact me the day of our anniversary though, which I found really weird but it seems it was a coincidence. She was still pretty closed about herself and she just said she hoped that we could be friends. We agreed to meet a few days later and the meeting went well. She apologized to have hurt me but she said that she didn’t regret her decision because she really needed time alone. I told her that she should have been more frank with me because I never got clear answers or a clear closure and that it could have spared me a lot of pain. She said she was sorry and that she hoped that we could still be friends. A few weeks after that meeting, I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her because she was too special for me and that I would probably always seek for more than a friendship. And so, we went no contact for about two months until I sent her a postcard for her birthday. A few days later, she sent me a message to say that she really appreciated my card and to give her a sign if I wanted to meet up. I said okay, but so far, we haven’t been able to find a date to meet. It is now 8 months that we are not together anymore. I still have difficulties because I lost someone really special. She was my lover and my best friend. Her loss leaves a big emptiness. I can't be interestd in any other girl and I still have feelings for her but I don’t know what to think about her anymore. I never got a clear closure and the only hints I got got me confused. I don’t know what to do anymore: meet with her or not, tell her how I feel or not, forget about her or stay friends, … Thanks for reading this and for your help.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Read my signature. She cannot - and never will - give YOU the closure you seek. The only person who can do that - is you. We're right at the beginning of 2013. Do you see yourself right at the beginning of 2014 still wishing for the same thing? I hope not. So what can possibly change between now and then, to give you what you most require? The answer is, YOU. You have to take a step back and look at the big picture. It's over, it can never be, it will never be, and you need to move on. The only one stopping you is you. Your mind-set has decided you want something, and until you get it, you are stuck. Buddy, the only one with a key to that mind-set - is you. If you stay stuck, it's because your mental state keeps you stuck. All hope of a better time, is within you. It is what it is. Chew it up, spit it out, and move on.
Author chalk Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I totallly agree with you about the fact that I am the only one who can make closure, but it is just something difficult to do when you kind of need to guess why it ended. On the other hand, she wants to remain friends and I don't know what to think about it. Should I keep in touch with that girl that i consider like someone special or should I keep no contact in order to make sure that I move on? That's tricky...
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 You can never be friends with someone while they hold your heart in their hands. It's impossible. You have to reach a level of "Benign Indifference". That is, you could see her in the arms of another man, holding their baby, and think "Meh, big deal, but I guess she's happy, so I'm glad for her." Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide!" in my signature. It's a link. It explains there why you can't be friends, and why.... and why they suggest it. So many dumpers suggest that. It's ridiculous, it can't work.
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