crashvector Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 After sleeping about 3 hours on my sofa, I managed to get up this morning about 6am, drive out to get my son. I explained to him what happened, and of course, he started crying and immediately wanted to talk to my exfiancee and her kids. So, i texted her and said "(his name) wishes to talk to you if he can, he's asking to." She replied "I cant matt..not yet." So I replied "Okay, I will tell him he can talk to you later." he daughter texted me, so I told her my son would like to talk to her, and she said "YES! Let me speak to him." So i did. An hour later, I get a series of texts from my exfiance chewing me out for letting my son talk to her kids...saying my son doesnt need to be in the middle of all this drama, and all he needs to know is that he is loved and that he will see them again My kids are already stressed out about this enough!. I replied with "I will not lie to my son, and he is JUST as involved in this as anyone else. I will respect your wishes and not let him speak to any more of your kids, however, he deserves his closure, too. He loved you like a mother, and thought of your kids as his brothers and sister. So, yeah, I don't apologize for giving my son the chance to speak to the people he loves. Your kids are all adults." That kinda helped me today too, because I kinda pissed me off. I'm a kind, soft-hearted man, but I'm a FATHER first. I'm not gonna tell my son lies about him seeing her again, etc...NOT when he thought of her as his second mother damnit. Anyhow, I went to the movies with my friend to see "Django Unchained". We had a drink before the movie (yay for tequila sunrises) then the movie. Afterwards, I took her to dinner to thank her for taking the time to comfort a friend who is hurting. At dinner, she reminded me of all the goofy pranks we used to play on each other in school, and I actually found myself....laughing. She always made me laugh 17 years ago in high school, and still has a knack for it now. It was nice to get out of my house for an afternoon. Now, the sad part: the clock turned 12 midnight when I was about 15 minutes from my house....driving on a dark highway in my car. I sort of expected a "happy new year's" text or call or something...from her or her kids or SOMEONE. nothing. Next thing I knew, i was crying again. Boy I hate this rollercoaster. I want off.
MyAngel Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Well here's a happy New Years from me that will have to do in the meantime Crash I am seeing a small amount of healing shining through in your words (you felt pissed off? Good! That's one of the stages of grief so you are working through your emotions). Good on you for standing up to yourself and your beliefs.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I'm going through the same thing it's an emotional roller coaster!!! U never know what emotion comes next and I did something I majorly regret. I spam texted him cause I was so angry. Now I can't take it bak
Author crashvector Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) Well here's a happy New Years from me that will have to do in the meantime Crash I am seeing a small amount of healing shining through in your words (you felt pissed off? Good! That's one of the stages of grief so you are working through your emotions). Good on you for standing up to yourself and your beliefs. thank you. it was temporary. Like I said, I guess I'm just too sensitive to stay angry at anyone for very long. I was just upset that she was trying to control me and what I thought was best for my kiddo... I mean, I didnt INTEND to cause any harm, I was just doing what I thought was best for my son...by letting him say his goodbyes. I REFUSE to tell lies to my son...he trusts me, and I owe him the truth as his father. I am NOTHING without my sense of honor. Every moment of every day, its in the forefront of my mind...I MUST try to do the right thing. I cannot do anything else. I remember something my grandpa told me when I was 9 years old and he was dying of cancer, and it changed my life. He said "You might not understand this now, but you will someday. Being a MAN is not about having a big house or lots of money...its not about driving a fancy car or wearing expensive clothes. Its not about having lots of pretty girlfriends. Being a REAL man is about always trying to do the right thing...even when it's the hardest thing on earth to do." I NEVER forgot that. And I try with all my heart to live up to that every day. that is why I always tried VERY hard to make my fiance FEEL loved. I was committed to her. I had given her my solemn promise that i would be devoted and faithful, and I tried my hardest to always treat her well and to love her and her kids...and to make them know I would always be there for them. Edited January 1, 2013 by crashvector
FailedFirstLove Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I admire you for that. She will regret wha she lost. I wish every guy was like you. Not all guys are willinging to give it their all and work out anything that comes between te relationship.most give up at any sign of trouble. After that they no longer respect the girl. Hen their angry they act according to that. Don't stop to think of the other half for a second. 1
CptSaveAho Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 thank you. it was temporary. Like I said, I guess I'm just too sensitive to stay angry at anyone for very long. I was just upset that she was trying to control me and what I thought was best for my kiddo... I mean, I didnt INTEND to cause any harm, I was just doing what I thought was best for my son...by letting him say his goodbyes. I REFUSE to tell lies to my son...he trusts me, and I owe him the truth as his father. I am NOTHING without my sense of honor. Every moment of every day, its in the forefront of my mind...I MUST try to do the right thing. I cannot do anything else. I remember something my grandpa told me when I was 9 years old and he was dying of cancer, and it changed my life. He said "You might not understand this now, but you will someday. Being a MAN is not about having a big house or lots of money...its not about driving a fancy car or wearing expensive clothes. Its not about having lots of pretty girlfriends. Being a REAL man is about always trying to do the right thing...even when it's the hardest thing on earth to do." I NEVER forgot that. And I try with all my heart to live up to that every day. that is why I always tried VERY hard to make my fiance FEEL loved. I was committed to her. I had given her my solemn promise that i would be devoted and faithful, and I tried my hardest to always treat her well and to love her and her kids...and to make them know I would always be there for them. Sorry Ace You have no concept of what being a man is A man does not get his kids involved in parental affairs A man does not need to talk to ex's for closure A man doesnt date someone old enough to be their mom A man puts himself first before anyone else I could go on all day, but you might want to look in a mirror and read a couple books on what being a MAN is
FailedFirstLove Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Sorry Ace You have no concept of what being a man is A man does not get his kids involved in parental affairs A man does not need to talk to ex's for closure A man doesnt date someone old enough to be their mom A man puts himself first before anyone else I could go on all day, but you might want to look in a mirror and read a couple books on what being a MAN is Your definition sounds like a dad...
Mcnulty Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Sorry, but no, i think you were wrong to let your son speak to her daughter. If I was her, your ex, I'd be fuming, thinking you've used the kids to get at her. How old is your son? I would be protecting him from front line communication here. Yes I'd tell him it was over, that's what i did with my son and it really hurt to see the pain in his eyes, but above all else, I will protect him and would say, in time son, you can speak to her, but it has to be further down the line and discreet,(too soon, feelings are raw), between you and the daughter, no-one else. I personally think you've just shot yourself in the foot.
sangel07 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 A man does not need to talk to ex's for closure So a real man doesn't have any feelings? Sorry, couldn't disagree more. 1
CptSaveAho Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 So a real man doesn't have any feelings? Sorry, couldn't disagree more. A real man knows closure comes from within. He doesn't seek external validation from somebody that does not want anything to do with him. He processes his emotions on his own 1
sangel07 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 A real man knows closure comes from within. He doesn't seek external validation from somebody that does not want anything to do with him. He processes his emotions on his own But we don't all process emotions in the same way, so this seems just a generalization to me...
na49 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Your story seriously makes me tear up a bit crash. I'm happy to hear that you were able to go out and have a good time for at least a little while. I'll be going out to see that movie tomorrow night, was it any good? No but on a serious note. Your closure will really come from within. She's pretty much told you it's over, but it's not enough. I found myself in a similar spot. I wanted to get "closure" from her. It's all BS. My definition of "closure" from her was that she would apologize and we would get back together. It doesn't work like that. I got my "closure" when I learned she only wanted me as a friend, something that I didn't want. It's probably WAY too soon for you to think about this, but so you get some sanity back, it may not be a horrible idea. Block her out of your life because if you have any plan on moving on, you'll have to. You love her, I get it. But why torture yourself and cry because she didn't send you a text last night? Think about it. Does she really owe you anything now? You guys aren't together anymore. She doesn't have to care, so she's not. (She does sound like a very cold person though) 3
Author crashvector Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 well, I figure what can she do? Break off our engagement or something? there is no book or manual here that says what to do next. All I am doing is the best I can here,letting my conscience be my guide. Yeah, I might be making a few mistakes, but none of the mistakes I have made come anywhere close to the one she made. 1
MyAngel Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Yes all we can do is the best we can. I don't think you're going to get closure from this woman. I think you've said your goodbyes and she's made it clear of her position on the break up. It's time to cut the contact with her crash.... It will be so hard to not have ANY ties to her at all but take it one day at a time. I haven't talked to my ex for 3.5 weeks and I have moments of weakness but I don't contact. It hurts so much. In fact I'm crying right now but the despair passes and is replaced with a more mellow feeling. It's a rollercoaster. You need to ride the highs and lows because we can't really get off it right now....
Author crashvector Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Yes all we can do is the best we can. I don't think you're going to get closure from this woman. I think you've said your goodbyes and she's made it clear of her position on the break up. It's time to cut the contact with her crash.... It will be so hard to not have ANY ties to her at all but take it one day at a time. I haven't talked to my ex for 3.5 weeks and I have moments of weakness but I don't contact. It hurts so much. In fact I'm crying right now but the despair passes and is replaced with a more mellow feeling. It's a rollercoaster. You need to ride the highs and lows because we can't really get off it right now.... Thanks...im just doing the best that i can... Im sorry you're hurting too...this really sucks and I wish no one ever had to go through this. Yeah, shes made it clear she's gone...i just need to pretend she died and do my best to move along.
CptSaveAho Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 well, I figure what can she do? Break off our engagement or something? there is no book or manual here that says what to do next. All I am doing is the best I can here,letting my conscience be my guide. Yeah, I might be making a few mistakes, but none of the mistakes I have made come anywhere close to the one she made. She didn't make a mistake, she dumped your rebounding butt You're acting like a mad man
Author crashvector Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 She didn't make a mistake, she dumped your rebounding butt You're acting like a mad man Rebounding? I was referring to my ex.
Mcnulty Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Go NC with it all, her, the kids man. You're digging yourself a hole, believe me. Time to start healing, albeit anger, denial, acceptance, it's time.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 How are you doing now? It seems like you are alot better than the first day here. Your handling it and trying to cope slowly. it's been 3 weeks for me and I'm struggling more than you and you have so much more people to lose. I can imagine yours will definitely take some time and the memories will never go away. But it's true that if u do contact her or her family she will just get more angry. It doesn't give her time to think it through and maybe miss you because what you do constantly angers her. Maye next time u can invite ur friend somewhere else that is more distracting and invovled? like bowling or take your son to do what he wants.
Author crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 thanks for the advice. I just not sure how to handle it when her kids text me and such. I promised those kids I would not abandon them, and I feel like I HAVE to keep my promises. Its not just because it's them...regardless of who or what it is...I guess maybe it's because you guys don't know me...but I can NOT break my word once i give it. It would eat at me and eat at me until I made it right. So when her daughter texts me asking if she can meet my son...likes she's done the last three days, I've just put her off by saying that we are on our way to my hometown or such. I dont lie and i dont break promises...so I feel like I'm REALLY caught here. I KNOW it's gonna make my exfiance more mad at me, but I can NOT lie to or abandon her kids because I PROMISED them I would never to either of those things.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You don't have to break your promise. Talk to her kids and tell them why you can't contact or awhile. Make them understand its only temporary. Once things cool down and their mum allows contact u can go back. Jut cause you don't text or call them in a few days or weeks doesn't mean you broke ur promise and abandon tem
geegirl Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I don't think it's about keeping promises or breaking your word. The situation has changed. The dynamics of the relationship between you and her and the kids have changed. You can tell her kids that you need to respect their mother's wishes to have some distance for now and that in time hopefully a resolution can be found and contact can resume. What you promised before does not apply anymore. These are her kids. You have to respect that boundary and what she deems important for them. They are adult to know that you did not abandon them. So that should not be an issue you shoulder.
Author crashvector Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 How are you doing now? It seems like you are alot better than the first day here. Your handling it and trying to cope slowly. it's been 3 weeks for me and I'm struggling more than you and you have so much more people to lose. I can imagine yours will definitely take some time and the memories will never go away. But it's true that if u do contact her or her family she will just get more angry. It doesn't give her time to think it through and maybe miss you because what you do constantly angers her. Maye next time u can invite ur friend somewhere else that is more distracting and invovled? like bowling or take your son to do what he wants. I think I have a slight advantage over SOME people here because I have been through I TERRIBLE divorce...and survived. I am TRYING to fall back into some of the habits that enabled me to survive what I consider to be a BRUTAL split from my exwife...such as...and this is something I used to tell myself all the time: "Fake it til you make it." Make NO mistake...I'm still spending most of my day in tears. I'm dealing with the loss of SIX people that I deeply loved...one of whom I was getting ready to marry in less than 5 months and had visions of living the REST OF MY LIFE with her happily ever after. She was my heart...my ANGEL. She was the woman I was SO devoted to that I was taking 18 hours of college classes AND working 40 hours a week to make SURE that we would have a GOOD life together with her kids and my son. I did this for the last four YEARS of my LIFE....for HER. I feel like it was all for nothing...like all my hard work...the HUNDREDS of sleepless nights...all the work I did..gone. On the weeks I didn't have my son.....I would drive to her house as soon as my last class was over...from where I went to university more than an hour away. I would stop at the grocery store and get things to make dinner. I have a culinary degree because I loved to cook, but I ONLY used it with her because she appreciated it and could see the skill and love I put into EVERY plate of food I ever made for her. I made sure that woman had a hot meal that was beautifully arranged and skillfully prepared every day she came home from work...because she works hard and sometimes came home at 730 or 8 at night...and I felt she DESERVED to have a hot meal ready for her. Then, i would do my work for school and we would enjoy a glass of sauvignon blanc from New Zealand before we went off to bed and fell asleep with her in my arms. SO no....I'm NOT really doing better. I'm just HIDING it better than I was the first 3 days.
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