Do I carry on being the OW? I have some decisions to make!

[Sparkly24]

I am having an EA with a MM I met through work. Before I met him I had been in a bit of a rut. I was unhappy with my bf and unhappy with myself. He sort of brought me back to life, I felt happy and confident again. I have more or less been obsessing about him ever since. It feels addictive. I know its wrong but I get this huge rush whenever he texts me. We have only ever met outside of a work context once and nothing physical happened which makes me feel less attached to his family, less guilty because they are out of sight I guess. He makes me laugh, he is clever, insightful, patient and mature. I have left my bf since and am now a single girl which I am enjoying.

 

He is older than me. He has 3 kids, all quite young. He has had physical affairs before, one of which meant a lot to him. What he told me about his marriage is similar to what most MM say. I like to think I am open minded and I understand he will never leave his wife. I don’t think I want to be with him in a relationship anyway, he is so much older and lives so far away that realistically it would not work. All I know is that I have a lot of feelings for him and I think about him all the time. I don’t think he is lying to be about how he feels about his marriage – he is not getting anything physical from me at all, he has been very honest about everything, warts and all to me. In fact sometimes it feels like we are just really good friends.

 

This week he is on his own while his W and kids are on holiday and he is back at work. I feel like this is a really good opportunity for us to understand each other more and communicate about what is going on. His W did find out about us and then we couldn’t really talk that much to each other after that. He wanted to come and meet me at the weekend and I want to meet him to see how I feel about him face to face rather than just a voice on the phone. However the other evening we talked on the phone properly for the first time in ages and I loved it at first. We spoke for about an hour about random stuff and then the conversation turned to us. I told him I understood that he couldn’t leave and that I didn’t want him to. I asked him what his ideal situation would be. He said he wanted to have me there for him as a soul mate, as a friend, to be there when he was feeling very unhappy. Then he said he thought I took this whole situation too seriously and that it made him feel uncomfortable. That hurt me very much and I instantly closed up and made my excuses to end the conversation. It made me feel like I was clingy and needy and that my behavior was off-putting. He txted me after saying ‘please don’t be sad, you are so nice to me and all I do is hurt you.’ Then I ranted at him by text, telling him it was his fault because of all the lovely things he says to me, it made me feel like I wanted to give back and then when I do and become more emotional with me he backs off and hurts me. Then he called me back up and told me that I took it the wrong way, and that he meant it was a reflection on him. That he knows I am serious about things and he feels very responsible for my feelings. So I said sorry for my text, all was well, we have been txting and then today nothing. He always texts me to say good morning and I have not heard anything from him and with his W away I thought he would be in touch all the time. I txted him this afternoon to tell him I was going out to a NYE party and he replied with a two word answer. So now I am hurt and angry and want to gain some perspective before he comes round and makes contact and I get sucked back into the cycle again.

 

Do I go NC? Deep down do I secretly want him to leave and be with me? Can we come up with an agreement that makes us both happy? Am I strong enough to invest in something that will never be real? Why has he gone cold on me again today? What am I doing wrong? Am I being made an idiot of without even realising it?

[whichwayisup]

He said he wanted to have me there for him as a soul mate, as a friend, to be there when he was feeling very unhappy. Then he said he thought I took this whole situation too seriously and that it made him feel uncomfortable. That hurt me very much and I instantly closed up and made my excuses to end the conversation. It made me feel like I was clingy and needy and that my behavior was off-putting. He txted me after saying ‘please don’t be sad, you are so nice to me and all I do is hurt you.’ Then I ranted at him by text, telling him it was his fault because of all the lovely things he says to me, it made me feel like I wanted to give back and then when I do and become more emotional with me he backs off and hurts me.

 

He isn't looking to leave his wife and children. He IS being honest with you, letting you know that he enjoys you and your company, you make him feel good but he isn't comfortable with you getting too emotionally attached to him.

 

This isn't all his fault. You need to own your part in this. You know having an affair with him is wrong, you know he's married and ain't leaving. You say you don't want him full time (distance, age, etc) yet you still want him in your life by having an affair. If you stay, detach and enjoy him for what it is. An affair. If you let yourself fall in love, get too attached, you will hurt more and more as time goes on.

 

I say end it now before you get in too deep. Easier said than done, but this isn't good for you in the long run. You are hurting badly now, so imagine how you'll feel in a year from now if you are still with him!

[ThatJustHappened]

But you do realize that he's making an idiot of you. You just said it. He is asking you to be his emotional nursemaid and his concubine, but that's all. What are you getting from him other than a whole lot of pain?

[whichwayisup]

He always texts me to say good morning and I have not heard anything from him and with his W away I thought he would be in touch all the time. I txted him this afternoon to tell him I was going out to a NYE party and he replied with a two word answer. So now I am hurt and angry and want to gain some perspective before he comes round and makes contact and I get sucked back into the cycle again.

 

Do I go NC? Deep down do I secretly want him to leave and be with me? Can we come up with an agreement that makes us both happy? Am I strong enough to invest in something that will never be real? Why has he gone cold on me again today? What am I doing wrong? Am I being made an idiot of without even realising it?

You know the answers deep down.

 

This whole situation is unhealthy, addictive and will make you feel even crappier as time goes on.

 

He doesn't want you to get too serious about him which is why he's pulling the disappearing act. That's his way of dealing with this. He doesn't want to hurt you yet he wants an ego feed. he's being selfish by wanting you on HIS terms. He knows better, as do you do.

 

Walk away. Just tell him that you have no desire to be his side dish and that it's too painful. Ask him to please respect your decision and to leave you alone.

[MissBee]

But you do realize that he's making an idiot of you. You just said it. He is asking you to be his emotional nursemaid and his concubine, but that's all. What are you getting from him other than a whole lot of pain?

 

He's more frank and honest than some Sparkly.

 

He has had many affairs before....HUGE red flag.

 

He already invalidates your feelings and as ThatJustHappened said, he has made it clear that he just wants an emotional nursemaid and concubine on his watch. He already is putting you in your place and you're already feeling clingy/needy etc. It won't improve.

 

At least in my former A my exAP attempted to have 2 separate relationships. In that he loved me, treated me like a gf, gave me emotional support etc. It was still painful because I loved him and it was a dead-end...but at least there was some benefits to it and he didn't try to outright use me. Your situation seems to have more cons than anything else.

 

You're a single gal. There are tons of other men out there who can provide you with companionship/friendship/love if that's what you want. This situation is a poor bet for anything but drama and hurt.

[ComingInHot]

It feels really good to be wanted. It feels even better to be wanted when there are obstacles(Wife, family etc) that make you feel like you're extra wanted if one's willing to Risk time w/you. I liken it to running a race you KNOW you can't win and for all practical purposes shouldn't win cause you didn't put in years of training and effort like the other runners. But you end up seeing the finish line first because the other runners tripped or pulled a hamstring. Thing is, a-lot of times the ones who put in all the time & training know how to regain the distance & you end up coming in second or third anyway.

I DON'T want that for you. I'm pretty sure you don't want that either. Think about putting the time time and effort w/someone who will do the same w/you. It's hard but will be SO worth it in the end*

[Sparkly24]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I do feel much better just sharing this. I am reading over everything and when I look at what I have written it surprises me that I would want to give someone so much and get nothing back. I think deep down I do feel like if I give him what he wants then he will realize what I am to him. The thing is I have been with other people before, i can go and meet someone if I want to, but I don't. I genuinely want to be involved with him. He interests me, he makes me laugh, I love his voice, all of these soppy things, Its not so easy to just say go NC. I have already tried to end it, he has already tried to end it and both of us give up within days. I kind of think in my head because we both get on with each other so well it cant be wrong because there is no other choice, no other option, we have to be involved because when will I ever meet someone that I click with like I do with him? Its so hard to see someone that I think is so brilliant to just be someone who is out to prey on vulnerable people and manipulate me. I don't believe that there are bad people, I just think that people are sometimes good and sometimes bad and it depends on their own experiences. I want to call him now and tell him that I think I want him to leave me alone. I want to explain how I am feeling to him but I am a little scared to, because ever since he said that I am too serious I am afraid of being clingy. Which I guess is what he wants?

[missy268]

I found myself making this exact same decision after 11 months of no contact with my attached co worker well apart from work based contact

 

we had an affair August 2011 til January 2012 - so its been nearly a year since it was over.....over christmas, the flame ignited again - damn office parties!and on friday we were kissing on my sofa....last night, i was sat with a box of tissues crying my eyes out - why? because he was at home with his girlfriend...probably not giving a damn about me and what i'm doing.To why he came running to me i dont know why but he wanted me to kiss and cuddle him and be close...well no i'm here for when she won't show affection to him. I have seen him today and it was hard, but i have decided not to be his other woman...It hurts...it makes me feel crappy, it might boost my confidence for all of 10 seconds, or the 3 hours a week he can spend with me, but the rest of the time what am i getting? These are all things you should be asking yourself. Over time it will slowly kill your confidence and i rememebr feeling numb for a very long time after he left me...it really hurts

 

I was convincing myself I could be the other woman once more....because i loved him and if this was the only way i could have him then so be it...but then the part of me that has sort of learnt from this (can't say fully as ive been kissing him) said NO walk away. I have nothing to gain, and how long before he leaves me once more

 

Your strong when you walk away, not by being the other woman!

[Lillyfree]

he's got an OOW who he's in a PA with, and is spending time with her while his wife is away. you are just there for his amusement and ego boost. don't allow yourself to be played by this dirtbag.

[Catplates]

He's already blaming you for and demeaning the feelings you have expressed. I'll bet he has you feeling guilty as hell .

 

It will only be a matter of time before he will want you for much more .

 

Are you his rainy day toy box for just when he is feeling a bit precious?

 

Grow a backbone girl and walk away!

 

Car

[Sparkly24]

Thanks everyone. I sort of just went for it yesterday, he had been quiet all day so I just texted him asking if we could talk. He replied saying he was knackered after work and wouldn't be much company. I told him I actually needed to speak to him, not looking for company. He replied asking if it was urgent. Which was unusual for him, he was very reluctant and off. I said it was urgent and he called me. AND OH MY GOD LET ME TELL YOU, it was like it was a completely different man I was talking to. I just blurted it out, that I didn't want to do any of this anymore. All he had to say was 'right, OK, no you are right.' and it just shocked me!! There he was being there for me, being my friend, making me laugh, telling me how important I was to him and how I was such a special person to him, and then that was his response. He didnt want to ask me why, he didn't tell me he was sad or that he would miss me, nothing. I tried prompting him, hoping that maybe he was just a bit surprised and a bit closed off, and asked him how he felt about me, and he sounded pissed off when he replied 'look we went over this the other night' and that was it. I told him he knew how I felt about him, that he made me feel happy and it was not easy for me to just always be on the end of the phone waiting for him, and he said 'well obviously I have not been making you happy recently have i?'. No 'good luck for the future', no 'can we just talk', nothing!! This morning I am just in shock, I cried a bit and then the new year came in and I was on my own at home and now its like its almost habbit for me to look at my phone to check for a message from him. Its hurting because of his dismissal. Its hurting because he pretended to be someone who cared and he didn't but I believed him. And now I really have no idea what the hell I am going to do, the whole addictive nature sort of kept me going for about three months and now it is gone and Im a bit lost right now. As soon as I hung up the phone last night he texted me 'I wont contact you again. Please do the same and not contact me.' Which was like a slap in the face. All the times he has done that to me, its been this romantic goodbye thing, where he says he has to stop with me, he has to try and focus on his marriage, but always ends up back in contact with me. And it hurt every time. And when I do it, he acts like a stupid child!! He makes me feel like I broke all the rules, like Im something that went wrong and he wants to sweep me aside, into the bin. Im not sad because I ended it, I dont want to be the OW, I wanted to be THE woman for him, I am sad because he proved to me last night that he didn't care, all this time. Anyway, thanks everyone I did listen to your advice and followed through. Happy New Year xxxx

[missy268]

completely understand with the you don't want to be the other woman, you want to be HIS woman - it hurts.

 

But even if we were our guys women.......how long before we are the BS?

 

thats what i always think...theres something better out there! your free to find it...he isn't

 

Happy new year x

[Lillyfree]

Thanks everyone. I sort of just went for it yesterday, he had been quiet all day so I just texted him asking if we could talk. He replied saying he was knackered after work and wouldn't be much company. I told him I actually needed to speak to him, not looking for company. He replied asking if it was urgent. Which was unusual for him, he was very reluctant and off. I said it was urgent and he called me. AND OH MY GOD LET ME TELL YOU, it was like it was a completely different man I was talking to. I just blurted it out, that I didn't want to do any of this anymore. All he had to say was 'right, OK, no you are right.' and it just shocked me!! There he was being there for me, being my friend, making me laugh, telling me how important I was to him and how I was such a special person to him, and then that was his response. He didnt want to ask me why, he didn't tell me he was sad or that he would miss me, nothing. I tried prompting him, hoping that maybe he was just a bit surprised and a bit closed off, and asked him how he felt about me, and he sounded pissed off when he replied 'look we went over this the other night' and that was it. I told him he knew how I felt about him, that he made me feel happy and it was not easy for me to just always be on the end of the phone waiting for him, and he said 'well obviously I have not been making you happy recently have i?'. No 'good luck for the future', no 'can we just talk', nothing!! This morning I am just in shock, I cried a bit and then the new year came in and I was on my own at home and now its like its almost habbit for me to look at my phone to check for a message from him. Its hurting because of his dismissal. Its hurting because he pretended to be someone who cared and he didn't but I believed him. And now I really have no idea what the hell I am going to do, the whole addictive nature sort of kept me going for about three months and now it is gone and Im a bit lost right now. As soon as I hung up the phone last night he texted me 'I wont contact you again. Please do the same and not contact me.' Which was like a slap in the face. All the times he has done that to me, its been this romantic goodbye thing, where he says he has to stop with me, he has to try and focus on his marriage, but always ends up back in contact with me. And it hurt every time. And when I do it, he acts like a stupid child!! He makes me feel like I broke all the rules, like Im something that went wrong and he wants to sweep me aside, into the bin. Im not sad because I ended it, I dont want to be the OW, I wanted to be THE woman for him, I am sad because he proved to me last night that he didn't care, all this time. Anyway, thanks everyone I did listen to your advice and followed through. Happy New Year xxxx

 

 

it does hurt when you realise how little they care. the response i got (to the email that took an eternity to write and a lot of heartache to send) was: 'you gotta do what you gotta do. it's been grand'.

 

delete all his contact details. (hopefully you're not as unlucky as i to remember phone numbers, that kinda backfired on me boxing day). don't give him the satisfaction of seeing how much you hurt. ignore him. one thing i kept saying to myself over and over in the early days of NC was th e Picasso quote - 'there are only 2 types of women, goddesses and doormats'. you choose which you want to be.

[watergirl12]

He is continuuing to manipulate you. By being blaise, he his hoping to hook you. Nothing makes a person come running to try harder than a partner who is flippant.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM

 

And don't be surprised if he contacts you in a few days with a random text, when he wonders why his prize hasn't fallen for it.

 

Even if he doesn't, you don't need a man that preys on you.

[Sparkly24]

Do me a favor and seek counseling to try to understand why you need so much external validation. You should feel important and special on your own. There is no need to have someone make you special or important. As long as you are this way you are an easy target for men that know how to deal with insecure women.

 

Right now this has really been going round my head. Right now I am trying to get ready for the first day back at work. I have just left my family home where I was staying with them over the holidays and I am back in the city on my own again. I moved up here initially with my ex bf and we had a flat together. When I broke up with him I had to live in the flat on my own and then I moved out and am now living in a flat share. I found it really hard to leave my family yesterday and was dreading going back to work after a week off. Usually I love my job and I love living in London.

 

I am trying very hard not to let this get to me or bring me down but I am getting the occasional heart ache over this MM. So much has changed over 2012 and I have had to go through a lot on my own. And Im a little worried to be honest that I have only been getting through things because I had him in my head, I had him giving me all those little confidence boosts and why cant I do that for myself? I have always had a bf or been seeing a guy, I have never really been single. I have never just been myself which is what I actually wanted to do when I broke up with my bf and before I got so involved with MM.

 

So right now I really dont want to go to work, I dont want to have to go and speak to clients and pretend to be all perky and professional when I really just want to be quiet and get my head straight. Its a pretty high-pressured job. I have an interview for another job that a company approached me about and it would probably be a) easier, b) better work hours and c) a higher basic salary and d) a more prestigious company. But I have not achieved everything that I wanted in my current job and I dont know if I can deal with any more change after everything else.

 

Sorry I know my career is not really relevant to this forum but I just needed to spew a bit and get some onf my thoughts down before I head off on the commute. Which I usually used to spend texting him. What If I cant do this on my own, what if I always need someone there? Im still checking my phone subconsciously and I need to stop it!

[Sparkly24]

Okay so if this is the first time you've been single then you will feel scared and lonely. I've had many periods of being single but it was only when I became single for the first time after my kids had grown and left home that I really felt alone. I was really by myself for the first time ever and it was the scariest and loneliest feeling ever. I hated it! People would tell me that once I got used to it I would be okay and even like being the master of my universe. I didn't believe them at first and the first year was really hard but I survived and the more I coped alone the stronger and more confidant I felt. Best of all, people were right! I love having my own place, I love having all this time to myself to do whatever I want whenever it pleases me. I might not be alone forever but right now I am and I'm enjoying it immensely. You can also learn to love your freedom and independance but you have to go through the growing pains first.

 

Thanks for this. I was actually feeling pretty OK about being single before this crap with the MM. I was proud of myself for dealing with things on my own so its surprising how I have started to feel like this over the last couple of days. Its becoming really obvious that I was using MM as a substitute, but I really did think at the time that my decision to break up with my bf had nothing to do with MM.

 

I was fine yesterday once I was in work, getting back into routine after xmas seemed good for me and it was great to see all my work buddies again, but its the same thing this morning I am waking up alone and I'm immediately looking at my phone to see if I have texts, and I just feel a bit sad. All of a sudden Im not sure if I should have ended it with my ex bf, Im not sure I should even be here in London trying to make a life for myself. Im worried I am starting to go back into my old shell again that I was in before I met MM. So it feels like he has just taken everything away even though I know I shouldn't think like that.

[ComingInHot]

Sparkly;

Great piece of advice I gave myself: Don't DO something About being single, DO something WITH it!

 

Meaning, Do all the things you enjoy that would be difficult if you were in a relationship. Travel. Volunteer. Skydive. Pottery. Workout. Become an exercise instructor and host a class. Anything & everything you want!!

 

Chances are, you will MEET the perfect (nobody is perfect*) person who shares these same interests and the two of you can truly enjoy these likes together.

 

Just make sure he's single. Lol.

 

I had to learn to be "good" on my own, w/myself, before I could be "good" for someone else. Granted I got a dog to have something warm & furry to sleep next to and love me Unconditionally... but my dog gave me great clarity in defining whether or not I was lonely vs alone.*