Inflikted Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Sorry in advance for how long-winded this post is, I just have a lot of stuff to put out there, and vent about. Anyway, I vaguely posted about this yesterday, here, but I decided to make this post, diving into all the details. So, as some of you may know, I fell pretty hard for a girl I work with over the summer, because we were connecting amazingly well and becoming pretty close. I asked her out, and we talked it over a little, but it didn't end up happening. Thankfully, things didn't become awkward between us, and we were okay. I decided that, even if we weren't dating, I really wanted to be good friends with her. I know, some people don't believe you can be "friends" with someone you've had feelings for. I wanted to give it a shot anyway, because, well, to be frank, I don't have very many friends. I very rarely find people I connect with, and I've never found a girl I connected with "romantically". So, when I finally do find someone I actually have a good connection with, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, and I get really excited, and I allow myself to get a little too emotionally attached to them. A month or so ago, I found out from someone else that this girl used to date this other guy we work with (prior to me ever having feelings for her). I'm... iffy, towards him, because he's the womanizing "player" type, and I often get sick of hearing him brag about how easy it is for him to get women, when I'm sitting here constantly alone. Anyway, they didn't last too long, because he was also seeing another girl (who is his current girlfriend right now) at the same time. Finding this out stirred up a lot of negative thoughts in me. I couldn't stop wondering why she'd have given him a chance, but not me. He didn't seem like her type; she seemed like the kind of girl that wasn't attracted to the douchey "player" type, like she wanted someone smarter and more mature, and I always thought that's why she and I connected so well, because we're on the same wavelength in terms of intelligence and maturity. So, that's been bothering me a lot, still, because I can't get over the idea that, even if I'm lucky enough to find another cool, smart, mature girl that I connect with that well, she'd probably still end up passing me over for a guy like him, too. In a way, I feel like it's a competition that I just can't win. What's been bothering me a lot lately is that the friendship between me and this girl has kind of faded away, for reasons I don't even know. I've been trying very hard not to say or do anything weird to her, so I don't *think* it's anything I did. But now whenever I work with her, she spends most of the time being chummy with that other guy she used to date. She used to hang around with me, talk to me, joke around with me, etc., and now I'm lucky if I get to have a brief conversation with her, and she does all that stuff with this guy now, instead. Heck, a couple of days ago, he took her out to lunch, and I felt bad, because I'd bet good money that if I said to her "Hey, let's go get lunch", or "Hey, let's get coffee", she'd probably say no. I'm not judging her or saying she shouldn't hang out with whoever she wants. I just... I miss when she seemed to want to spend time with me. It just makes me wonder, what the heck happened to what we used to have? Why does it seem like she's less interested now in talking to me, joking around with me, etc.? Why can't I get to hang out with her and do stuff with her outside of work? Why can't we be friends? Sure, I asked her out once, but that was months ago. She actually dated and had a bad breakup with this guy, yet they can be all chummy now? I just don't understand how, given the situation, it's not "weird" for her to be good friends with him, but it's "weird" to be friends with me. I know it's bad/ wrong for me to feel "jealous" the way I do, and believe me, I'm trying to fight it as much as I possibly can. I hate that this stuff gets to me so much, but it does. It got so bad that, yesterday, I almost talked to this guy about it. I was ready to tell him that I liked this girl. I... don't know what I would've hoped to accomplish, and that probably would've been a bad idea, but for some reason, I thought maybe I could talk to him and we could work it out and move on. It just eats me up to see them being so chummy together, while I no longer get to have what I had with her. But, I decided to keep my mouth shut. As much as I hate how much I'm making myself suffer by silently sitting by and trying (unsuccessfully) to ignore them, I know talking to him would probably be a very bad idea. Although, he does know that I've been into a girl, and he's surprisingly been trying to help me out and be supportive of me with it, but I can't actually talk to him about it and let him try to help me without telling him the truth. So, that's pretty much a no-win scenario for me. I... do kind of wonder what he'd say or how he'd react, because I don't know that he has any "romantic" interest in this girl, considering he is still seeing his other girlfriend. It'd be interesting to hear his input, but again, there's no real way to talk to him about it without telling him the truth. Other than that, I know there's nothing I can really do. I know that it's just a sad, sucky situation, and that chances are, I'm going to keep making myself miserable about it for a while, yet, because I don't know how to properly deal with it and "get over" all of it. The worst part is, for the longest time, I've been a very reserved kind of person that always kept to myself and never really opened up or got close to anyone, or let my real "personality" shine out. I've always been very guarded. For reasons I don't even know, this girl really helped pull me out of my shell like no one has ever done before, over the summer. That's actually one of the big things that attracted me so much to her. When I started connecting with her, I started "caring" more about trying harder to be the person I wanted to be. Over the last several months, I've opened up a lot, and I've been generally more happy and upbeat, and enjoyable and fun to be around. Many of my coworkers took notice of me opening up and have praised me for it. But now that my friendship with this girl is fading away, I find myself retracting back into my shell, and returning back to my more solemn, quiet self that no longer "cares" about trying to be the person I want to be. Being friends with her really made me happy and made me feel good about myself, and now that I'm losing that, I'm losing the thing that's kept me "holding on", that's kept me pushing myself. I don't want to go back to being that guy, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I just feel so bummed out and disappointed, and I miss the way things used to be, and I hate knowing that things won't be the same again. :/
sophiez Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Some people are brought into our lives to teach us something about ourselves. This girl obviously had an effect on you. She challenged you to bring your personality out and shine. That's awesome. Doesn't mean she was meant to stay in your life, though. And you shouldn't let your personality dwindle because of it. The relationships we have in our lives mold us. They define a piece of who we are. They help shape us for our future relationships. You have it in you to be that outgoing, happy guy. You know that now. Don't give someone else the power of your personality. Show her how awesome you are without her. Good luck. Hope you feel better soon!
Teknoe Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Some people are brought into our lives to teach us something about ourselves. This girl obviously had an effect on you. She challenged you to bring your personality out and shine. That's awesome. Doesn't mean she was meant to stay in your life, though. And you shouldn't let your personality dwindle because of it. The relationships we have in our lives mold us. They define a piece of who we are. They help shape us for our future relationships. You have it in you to be that outgoing, happy guy. You know that now. Don't give someone else the power of your personality. Show her how awesome you are without her. Good luck. Hope you feel better soon! I echo this. I feel your pain, but as sophiez said, some people come into our lives for just a season, and then they go. The point is, to take what they've taught you and be a better person for it. Don't dwell too much and stay stuck in the past. Admittedly, I am struggling somewhat with this too. Met a really cool girl last year (heh, now that it's 2013) and we hit it off. But then I got kind of wish washy and awkward on her, and the momentum died... I tried picking it back up once I realized I screwed up, but by then she had already moved on. It sucks, but that's life for ya. Some things just aren't meant to be... and time does heal all wounds... even deep ones. Blessings brother
Teknoe Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I'm not judging her or saying she shouldn't hang out with whoever she wants. I just... I miss when she seemed to want to spend time with me. It just makes me wonder, what the heck happened to what we used to have? Why does it seem like she's less interested now in talking to me, joking around with me, etc.? Why can't I get to hang out with her and do stuff with her outside of work? Why can't we be friends? Sure, I asked her out once, but that was months ago. She actually dated and had a bad breakup with this guy, yet they can be all chummy now? I just don't understand how, given the situation, it's not "weird" for her to be good friends with him, but it's "weird" to be friends with me. I know it's bad/ wrong for me to feel "jealous" the way I do, and believe me, I'm trying to fight it as much as I possibly can. I hate that this stuff gets to me so much, but it does. It got so bad that, yesterday, I almost talked to this guy about it. I was ready to tell him that I liked this girl. I... don't know what I would've hoped to accomplish, and that probably would've been a bad idea, but for some reason, I thought maybe I could talk to him and we could work it out and move on. It just eats me up to see them being so chummy together, while I no longer get to have what I had with her. But, I decided to keep my mouth shut. As much as I hate how much I'm making myself suffer by silently sitting by and trying (unsuccessfully) to ignore them, I know talking to him would probably be a very bad idea. Although, he does know that I've been into a girl, and he's surprisingly been trying to help me out and be supportive of me with it, but I can't actually talk to him about it and let him try to help me without telling him the truth. So, that's pretty much a no-win scenario for me. I... do kind of wonder what he'd say or how he'd react, because I don't know that he has any "romantic" interest in this girl, considering he is still seeing his other girlfriend. It'd be interesting to hear his input, but again, there's no real way to talk to him about it without telling him the truth. More thoughts: 1. I'm glad you didn't tell him. Glad you were strong enough to hold back because I guarantee you you would have regretted that when your head is more clear. Right now you're in a desperate mode... so having irrational thoughts is common. Just... don't act on them in haste because that's when big mistakes usually take place 2. You admitted you like her a couple months ago. It might be possible (and likely) that in recent months you have been broadcasting signals or signs to her that has made her go "WHOA... I better slow down with this guy... I like him as a friend but I don't want to give him any wrong ideas." The other part is, as you said, she's found someone she might be actually interested in (whether it's this coworker or perhaps someone OUTSIDE of work). In any event, girls can change on a dime, man. That's the thing about being the guy friend. Once emotions develop, it's hard to stop, and most girls if they find out or have an inkling, and don't feel the same way... eventually discomfort will take place and they'll peel off. Some peel off immediately... but others stay good friends for a few months, and then the inevitable happens. The guy gets more clingy, hopeful or whatever, and she goes UH OH... this isn't gonna work out. Anyway, I wanna encourage you to continue being the best you you can be, regardless of your status with this girl going forward. Do it for yourself. I wish you the best. I know it's hard. Seeing a therapist for professional help is also an option I'd consider if I were you... if the depression hits you hard in the next couple of days/weeks.
Teknoe Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I know, some people don't believe you can be "friends" with someone you've had feelings for. I wanted to give it a shot anyway, because, well, to be frank, I don't have very many friends. I very rarely find people I connect with, and I've never found a girl I connected with "romantically". So, when I finally do find someone I actually have a good connection with, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, and I get really excited, and I allow myself to get a little too emotionally attached to them. Man, it's like I'm looking in the mirror. I too get emotionally attached to female friends VERY easily, especially if they're attractive in my eyes. I also am going through a season where I don't have very many friends... defined in calling them/seeing them to hang out. I mainly hang out with my bro, his GF and my cousins. It's nice, but it's fam, and it is different from hanging out with friends who aren't of the same "blood." My friend I mentioned two posts up? She and I clicked and like you I got too excited and emotionally attached. Now? We rarely even talk. Used to chat on GCHAT for hours on end good rapport. Now not much. It was hard to adjust, but eventually you just do.
Author Inflikted Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time "moving on" is because I feel like there's nothing for me to "move on" to. I mean, before she and I hit it off over the summer, my life was uneventful, routine, and very lonely. I felt like I'd never connect with anyone, and I'd always have a boring lonely life. Then she and I started getting along really well. These last several months were so exciting and enjoyable, and I felt like I was building something up. Now that all of that is apparently over and done with, I feel like I'm back to my old uneventful, routine, lonely life, and that life sucked. So, it's hard to "move on" when there's really nothing in the horizon to look forward to.
Recommended Posts