He always threatens divorce during fights.Seeking perspective.

[wanderinglost]

Here's my situation in a nutshell. I've been married to my husband for a little over 4 yrs. We are both 30 and no kids. We only dated for a year before getting engaged and were married after a quick couple months. (He was raised Mormon and I guess that quick engagements are normal for them) I was raised to explore personal spirituality in many forms (Tarot cards, Native American, I-Ching,Wicca...pretty much whatever, my parents are into the new age stuff) So we have very different views on politics and religion. (Conservative Mormon/Christianity vs Liberal/New Wave/Hippie) This I don't think is a deal breaker, except he wants me to explore my spiritual needs privately and feels uncomfortable with some of my choices (like using tarot cards) I'm trying to be understanding of that. I even offered to keep everything in my home office, but it still feels like I have to hide in my own home.

 

Here is the real issue for the past years of marriage we generally don't fight but when we do he always threatens to leave, sometimes using divorce as a weapon and becomes very spiteful and says really nasty things. He always then apologizes saying he didn't mean it and he was just trying to hurt me. This has led us into a nasty cycle and I no longer want sex and have trouble getting into any sort of intimacy with him. These type of fights have happened about 8 times or so. The last time, 3 weeks ago, I finally decided to call his bluff and agree to separation. This was a short lived idea and he has been back home for the past 2 weeks and although we agreed to try everything and make it work we haven't been talking (about our marriage) When I bring it up we fight. He wants a clean slate, for me to forget all the hurtful things he has said and done. I simply cannot just forget about our history as I am afraid we will end up in the same cycle we have been in. I want to talk and work out our issues, he wants to have sex and go out and party together. I have tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable having sex until we connect emotionally again. I know sex is huge but I just don't want it right now, i'm still hurting and confused. I have even tried watching porn alone to try and get me in the mood and it does help but it also bothers me that I have to do this. I know he would be hurt if he knew this as well. I fear we didn't take enough time to really get to know each other before trying the knot and that we aren't meant to last forever.

 

Obviously, there is more to any story but these are the big roadblocks in our way currently and i'm starting to run out of will to fight for us. Any advice or perspective is welcome.

[Mack05]

Well if you both keep going the way you are going this will end up in the divorce courts. This is two emotionally immature people who are piece by piece slowly dismantling their relationship. Unless you are both willing to compromise and change the way you are currently doing things I fear the worst for you guys. Think of every time this cycle happens as throwing a dart on a wall. The first one causing a little dent but if it keeps happening the damage gets bigger and bigger.

 

I used to communicate like your husband. Everytime I had a fight with a partner I would either say things without thinking, or threaten to break up. You can't be part of a healthy relationship when someone is communicating like this. It turns out I was unhappy in some of these relationships, but I had the inability to communicate this to my ex partners for various reasons (not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to be alone, not understanding the real nature of what my problems were etc etc) I would just keep it to myself and move on. Eventually by bottling this all up, my frustrations came out in the worst possible way.

 

You may not think your different views on life is a deal breaker but I think you are kidding yourself. They may not be to you, but it certainly seems a huge thing for your husband. I have yet to met a woman who has the same core values as me. Instead of doing the right thing and leave, I would either judge her or try to change her. I get the sense that is what your husband is doing. He needs to stop this! If he doesn't he will drive you further and further away.

 

No woman should ever feel judged or have her partner what to change her to suit his needs. That is manipulation, not love and something I am not proud of from my past. Your husband needs to accept and love you for who you are. Mentioning Divorce because you don't Agree with him is probably his way of trying to either change or control you. This HAS TO END. You are either a team who work hard at the marriage together and who love each other differences and all, or you both except that you are too far apart to make this work. It's that black and white..

 

Getting married fast is madness. You think your love can conquer anything at the beginning but as Taramaiden said in another thread love is not constant. It requires an incredible amount of hard work and dedication to overcome the many obstacles a marriage encounters. It requires compassion,honesty,compromise, trust, Love etc etc and very very good communication.

 

Emotional immaturity and bad communication (which is what is happening in your relationship) do terrible damage to a relationship. How can you feel free to express yourself or feel secure in the relationship when the D word is used in nearly every single argument? Your husband is doing what I used to do. Promising to make it better but you can only make it better if you REALLY want to change. You can only make it better if you are truly honest with yourself and your partner. Anything else are just words and empty promises, which I too have been guilty of in the past.

 

I would suggest the following...

 

1) You need to stop using sex as a weapon in arguments because that is what you are currently doing..

2) You both need to figure out why he threatens divorce in an argument. This is coming from somewhere and you both need to figure out where. Otherwise the same types of fights will keep happening.

3) I think it's now essential to get marriage counselling. A MC will give you not only an outside prespective but the tools needed to communicate better in the future.

4) Two books that I recommend you both read are 1) how to suck a lemon and 2) why can't you read my mind.

5) Try to determine if your husband is not happy within himself. This might explain a lot of this kind of behaviour. When you happy in your life these differences don't seem to matter as much...

 

Hope things work out for you..

Edited December 31, 2012 by Mack05

[jf2good]

OMG, your just as guilty as he is by not having SEX, which means you don't love him. SEX and LOVE can not be separated in a marriage. If you want to keep this marriage you both need to get into counseling ASAP. I am not saying you should or should not keep the marriage, but it sure sounds very fixable. I can't understand how you can call yourself Liberal New Wave Hippie and not have sex as the center of your relationship. Having sex will never fix a marriage, but not having it will kill it for sure.

 

You can't use the excuse of only dating 1 year and married for 4 years and say you don't know your husband. There are many people who had short courtships and have remained married until "death do us apart" People change over time and if a marriage can't accept change it is doomed.

[dreamingoftigers]

The church offers couseling. And, NO they won't push you into a baptism etc. They have a lot of experience with member/non-member marriages AND they'll give husband a kick to the head for using divorce threats as a conflict tool. It is abusive. Seriously.

 

And, yeah, it's pretty beyond hard to feel lovingly sexual when buddy is pulling the "I obviously don't love you enough to argue constructively and not abandon you" card.

[crashvector]

I'm gonna admit I only read the title of your post.

 

However, I DO know this: You can't have a secure relationship with someone who is constantly threatening to leave.

 

Love and trust are the two things that make the glue that holds a marriage together.

 

You need to seek counseling or therapy in order to get to the bottom of why he feels he has to throw this "im gonna leave you" mess in your face at ever conflict. Its not fair to do to you.

[Kelemvor]

Lots of problems here. Lack of sex, immaturity, with vastly different spiritual philosophies. The spiritual philosophical dichotomy might not bother me so much if you mentioned.. I don't know, buddhism vs new age, or hindu vs taoist, etc.. but a true mormon very much "ok and accepting" of tarrot cards and new age philosophies? I commend you on your spiritual exploration, but I find that an extremely odd pairing. Most mormons I've known are very spiritually conservative and fundamentalist in their theologies with little "real" acceptance of "liberal" spiritualities.

 

Anyway, I'd find a marital counselor before calling it quits on a 4 year marriage. Chances are if you've had much happier moments during those 4 years, then you could probably have them again as you two likely have some compatibility. Lack of sex and constantly threatening divorce are two problems that if not addressed will more than likely land you in divorce land. Good luck.

[Radu]

Here's my situation in a nutshell. I've been married to my husband for a little over 4 yrs. We are both 30 and no kids. We only dated for a year before getting engaged and were married after a quick couple months. (He was raised Mormon and I guess that quick engagements are normal for them) I was raised to explore personal spirituality in many forms (Tarot cards, Native American, I-Ching,Wicca...pretty much whatever, my parents are into the new age stuff) So we have very different views on politics and religion. (Conservative Mormon/Christianity vs Liberal/New Wave/Hippie) This I don't think is a deal breaker, except he wants me to explore my spiritual needs privately and feels uncomfortable with some of my choices (like using tarot cards) I'm trying to be understanding of that. I even offered to keep everything in my home office, but it still feels like I have to hide in my own home.

First of all, is he one of the Lost Boys ?

2nd, you should not have to hide your religious beliefs around your partner.

I could understand in public if you don't want to cause questions and such, but he is either ok with it [and you don't need to hide at home], or he doesn't like it ... which should have been adressed before the marriage.

 

Here is the real issue for the past years of marriage we generally don't fight but when we do he always threatens to leave, sometimes using divorce as a weapon and becomes very spiteful and says really nasty things. He always then apologizes saying he didn't mean it and he was just trying to hurt me. This has led us into a nasty cycle and I no longer want sex and have trouble getting into any sort of intimacy with him. These type of fights have happened about 8 times or so. The last time, 3 weeks ago, I finally decided to call his bluff and agree to separation. This was a short lived idea and he has been back home for the past 2 weeks and although we agreed to try everything and make it work we haven't been talking (about our marriage) When I bring it up we fight. He wants a clean slate, for me to forget all the hurtful things he has said and done. I simply cannot just forget about our history as I am afraid we will end up in the same cycle we have been in.

If you sweep this under the rug, it will repeat itself no doubt.

You simply cannot be a pushover when it comes to this kind of stuff [it's emotional blackmail, could even be considered abuse].

 

I want to talk and work out our issues, he wants to have sex and go out and party together. I have tried to explain that I will not feel comfortable having sex until we connect emotionally again. I know sex is huge but I just don't want it right now, i'm still hurting and confused. I have even tried watching porn alone to try and get me in the mood and it does help but it also bothers me that I have to do this. I know he would be hurt if he knew this as well. I fear we didn't take enough time to really get to know each other before trying the knot and that we aren't meant to last forever.

 

Obviously, there is more to any story but these are the big roadblocks in our way currently and i'm starting to run out of will to fight for us. Any advice or perspective is welcome.

 

 

Emotionally detach from him even further.

Ask him to go to MC with you, and you should go into IC as well [as should he].

Do not allow for an MC that tries to sweep the stuff, or that tries to make you look like the bad guy.

Find one that understands that a good marriage means no demons in the closet.

If this fails, dump him.

DO NOT have a child with this man untill these are solved.

If he refuses to solve them, divorce him but when you start the process try not to look back.

You are 30, you probably want a family and well ... time is running out when it comes to your options.