mutual stalking. i know this is Not Good, but need unbiased advice/opinions.

[anotherperson]

Background:

My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me mid-May right when I got back from my first year of college. I'm still very much in love with her. Meanwhile she said that she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. She also said (at the time) that she had lost her attraction to girls. However, she still wants to be close friends. For more on the past history of the relationship, you can click here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41254/ and then http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=42026

 

She has now talked with a mutual friend of ours and she didn't say anything about not being attracted to girls, etc. Rather she stated that she's been staying away from me because we would get too close again -- and essentially fall back into a relationship -- which is something she doesn't want right now. Apparently she does emotionally, but intellectually she feels that we should be apart in order to work on our respective problems. Or something like that. This is what I've thought was occuring all summer with her back and forth behavior, but this is the first confirmation that I've recieved that I might be correct.

 

Current:

Disclaimer: Here's where I need opinions, thoughts, help. I'm aware that the behavior that we've both exhibited is unhealthy and Not Good; I don't need people to tell me this. I know it already. I know that some of you will read this and be angry with me, or both of us, or feel that I'm crazy or that I should distance myself from my ex. I've been through all of these options in my mind and I'm aware of all of them. ... I just need someone to read right now and not judge. Read and tell me what they think. Something like that.

 

For those familiar with online blogging, you'll know that some mighty personal things can be written there. You'll also know that you have the ability to lock said Personal Things from general viewing. I discovered this weekend that my ex has been logging into my livejournal account and reading all of my posts. Private, locked, all of them. In doing so, she also found a side journal that I keep just for myself. Very personal. She's been reading that too.

 

Awhile ago, however, I emailed her. I hadn't received any response and I was going a bit crazy over it... and so I checked her email to see if she'd read it or not yet. I've checked her email a few times since... not reading anything, just logging in for some reason. Obsessing, I'm sure. Just wanting to know that she's still around.. looking for a window into her life. In the process of doing this, I found out that she had set up a side journal of her own. All of the posts on it were public (probably since she assumed no one would ever find it) and I read what was there.

 

So. Obviously from this story, we both have each other's passwords. That was the sort of relationship we had. And we haven't changed any of our passwords. So we were both able to access each other's stuff. This discovery was made when I posted in my side journal in a locked post about some of the things she'd written in her side journal. She realized that I had checked her email and found her journal... and she posted something to me on it... and I in turn realized that she had been reading mine by cracking my accounts.

 

Now we're both aware that we've been spying on each other. We haven't talked about this in person -- just in comments back and forth on LJ. Neither of us are mad. Neither of us have changed our passwords still. But we're both aware that we're basically mutually stalking one another.

 

I know this is messed up. As the dumpee, I feel "slightly better" about being obsessive, I suppose. But not really.

 

However... I just... why is she stalking me? I'm stalking her because I'm the "obsessed ex-gf that's trying to hide that she's obsessed and still in love with X." But what is she in this story? Isn't it unusual for both parties to stalk each other? Isn't that usually something that only one person does? And ... would you ever but that much effort and obsession into someone that was "just a friend"?

 

I know this changes our friendship/relationship. This knowledge. But I don't know how. I'm ... confused. Please... something?

 

And for good measure, YES, I KNOW this is UNHEALTHY on both sides. And creepy and Not Good.

[uriel]

No mystery here. Obviously, she's still attracted to and interested in you, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now. Thus, she furtively stalks you. You want to be in a relationship with her, but she's rejected that option. Thus, you furtively stalk her.

 

No, no good's going to come of it unless she somehow changes her mind about being in a relationship with you. Until then, change your passwords, stop looking at her stuff, and build a new life as independently and well as you can. Holding on by stealth and force to an intimacy she's denying you in reality isn't good for you -- it gives you a false sense of connection.

 

-- uriel