LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 My MM returned last night after a weekend at home. He showed a tenderness, vulnerability and adoration for me that I haven’t experienced before with him. The cloud of guilt that normally hangs over him evaporated. His eyes were bright and happy. His passion was higher than ever. He travels home twice a month. He always returns happy to see me, yet I notice a little guilt linger for a few minutes. Then he settles into our routine. Last night he was waiting in the driveway for me to arrive. This older man looked like a happy child to me. He's planned a wonderful New Years Eve for us tonight. Being new to this forum and only three months into my first affair with a MM, I wonder if other AP’s experience potentially pivotal moments like these in their relationships?
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 My MM returned last night after a weekend at home. He showed a tenderness, vulnerability and adoration for me that I haven’t experienced before with him. The cloud of guilt that normally hangs over him evaporated. His eyes were bright and happy. His passion was higher than ever. He travels home twice a month. He always returns happy to see me, yet I notice a little guilt linger for a few minutes. Then he settles into our routine. Last night he was waiting in the driveway for me to arrive. This older man looked like a happy child to me. He's planned a wonderful New Years Eve for us tonight. Being new to this forum and only three months into my first affair with a MM, I wonder if other AP’s experience potentially pivotal moments like these in their relationships? I think it means he has successfully fully compartmentalized his family life and his affair. In other words, he has become more callous and unfeeling to his family - and ultimately,in time, you'll find it a double-edged blade. Its NEVER a good thing to see one become accustomed to guilt - its the anesthetization of one's soul. 9
Spark1111 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 FBS here.... OR, he has finally realized the way toleaveyour spouse guilt-free is to pick a fight over something small and inconsequential....make a mountain from a molehill...then fume over how terribly she treats you. This way, you can run to your lover feeling justified that you are entitled to your affair. 4
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 My MM returned last night after a weekend at home. He showed a tenderness, vulnerability and adoration for me that I haven’t experienced before with him. The cloud of guilt that normally hangs over him evaporated. His eyes were bright and happy. His passion was higher than ever. He travels home twice a month. He always returns happy to see me, yet I notice a little guilt linger for a few minutes. Then he settles into our routine. Last night he was waiting in the driveway for me to arrive. This older man looked like a happy child to me. He's planned a wonderful New Years Eve for us tonight. Being new to this forum and only three months into my first affair with a MM, I wonder if other AP’s experience potentially pivotal moments like these in their relationships? Your first affair with a married man? Are you planning on making this a habit? 1
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Your first affair with a married man? Are you planning on making this a habit? No. I hope for this never to happen again.
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 I think it means he has successfully fully compartmentalized his family life and his affair. In other words, he has become more callous and unfeeling to his family - and ultimately,in time, you'll find it a double-edged blade. Its NEVER a good thing to see one become accustomed to guilt - its the anesthetization of one's soul. Thank you. This is why I posted here, to get a reality check on what's going on.
Decorative Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 FBS here.... OR, he has finally realized the way toleaveyour spouse guilt-free is to pick a fight over something small and inconsequential....make a mountain from a molehill...then fume over how terribly she treats you. This way, you can run to your lover feeling justified that you are entitled to your affair. And this scenario is why NYE is my worst trigger night of the year. Yup. #workshardatnewmemories
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 No. I hope for this never to happen again. It's not something that is happening to you..it's something you are doing..you are choosing to sleep with a married man. Own up. If you don't want to be involved with a married man, just someone's second choice, then don't. You're only 3 months in, you still have time to get out relatively unscathed. He is not quite that lucky. As other posters have said, it's all part of the seduction. He's not just seducing your body, he's seducing your brain too..he's telling you what you want to hear to keep you where he wants you. He's compartmentalizing his life with his wife and family and his life with you. 2
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 FBS here.... OR, he has finally realized the way toleaveyour spouse guilt-free is to pick a fight over something small and inconsequential....make a mountain from a molehill...then fume over how terribly she treats you. This way, you can run to your lover feeling justified that you are entitled to your affair. He doesn't fight with her, or so he tells me. He never says anything negative about her or really talk about her at all. I'm almost sorry I posted here. Been reading LS for a while looking for insight and answers.
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 It's not something that is happening to you..it's something you are doing..you are choosing to sleep with a married man. Own up. If you don't want to be involved with a married man, just someone's second choice, then don't. You're only 3 months in, you still have time to get out relatively unscathed. He is not quite that lucky. As other posters have said, it's all part of the seduction. He's not just seducing your body, he's seducing your brain too..he's telling you what you want to hear to keep you where he wants you. He's compartmentalizing his life with his wife and family and his life with you. I understand it is a choice. One that I struggle with daily. I suppose I should be very careful about the words I choose here. Every day I think about ending this.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I understand it is a choice. One that I struggle with daily. I suppose I should be very careful about the words I choose here. Every day I think about ending this. So why don't you? Are you really happy living like this? Taking breadcrumbs from this man who took 3 whole months to warm up to you..worrying about guilt and pain..knowing it has an expiration date.. That's no way to live.
woinlove Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I understand it is a choice. One that I struggle with daily. I suppose I should be very careful about the words I choose here. Every day I think about ending this. I don't think it is a matter of being careful about your words, but instead trying to think about them in a new way. In fact, the word "happen" is one of the most commonly used phrases to describe how one decided to enter into an affair, much more so than any other type of relationship. It is a way of distancing oneself from the decision and may alleviate some guilt. Ultimately it is best to recognize that one always had and has choices and to own the choices we make. That is how we learn the most. If affairs simply happened to us, we could keep on repeating exactly the same behavior over and over. Fortunately, we don't need to, once we realize they don't just happen to us, but are a choice. I do think it sounds like MM is getting more used to living a double life. As someone said, this probably has as much downside as upside. 3
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 So why don't you? Are you really happy living like this? Taking breadcrumbs from this man who took 3 whole months to warm up to you..worrying about guilt and pain..knowing it has an expiration date.. That's no way to live. I agree, just don't have the courage to end it and when we are together I don't want to. The whole situation is very confusing for me. I am not used to living like this. Perhaps I am able to ignore it much of the time because he is living here without his W. The fact that I didn't know he was married when this started doesn't really matter. I have chosen to continue.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I agree, just don't have the courage to end it and when we are together I don't want to. The whole situation is very confusing for me. I am not used to living like this. Perhaps I am able to ignore it much of the time because he is living here without his W. The fact that I didn't know he was married when this started doesn't really matter. I have chosen to continue. Then I'm not really sure what answers you need. If you just want people to cheer you on and tell you how great it is that you're sleeping with another woman's husband, you probably won't find much of that here. But you say you've been lurking on this site for a while, so it seems to me that you must have already known that. So what are you looking for?
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Then I'm not really sure what answers you need. If you just want people to cheer you on and tell you how great it is that you're sleeping with another woman's husband, you probably won't find much of that here. But you say you've been lurking on this site for a while, so it seems to me that you must have already known that. So what are you looking for? I was looking for truth which I seem to have gotten. I didn't look at this from the angle that he was becoming accustomed to the guilt. He is obviously better able to compartmentalize things now. Not good. That's why I posted. To get another perspective on the change last night.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Fair enough. Just to be clear I'm not trying to scare you off, I was genuinely wondering. Well, good luck I suppose. You will need it.
Author LadyRecovery Posted December 31, 2012 Author Posted December 31, 2012 Fair enough. Just to be clear I'm not trying to scare you off, I was genuinely wondering. Well, good luck I suppose. You will need it. I appreciate it. Most of what I want to know I can find in other threads or posts. This was something totally new and I interpreted it the wrong way. Needed to hear how it really was. Was too caught up in an incredible evening to see it for what it really was. I've tried to end this twice and allowed him to romance me back. This was before I read the threads about no contact. Really wish I had the courage to do that right now. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I appreciate it. Most of what I want to know I can find in other threads or posts. This was something totally new and I interpreted it the wrong way. Needed to hear how it really was. Was too caught up in an incredible evening to see it for what it really was. I've tried to end this twice and allowed him to romance me back. This was before I read the threads about no contact. Really wish I had the courage to do that right now. You do have the courage. You don't sound very happy with your situation. What's keeping you from dumping him and finding a nice single guy who doesn't put you last?
MissBee Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) My MM returned last night after a weekend at home. He showed a tenderness, vulnerability and adoration for me that I haven’t experienced before with him. The cloud of guilt that normally hangs over him evaporated. His eyes were bright and happy. His passion was higher than ever. He travels home twice a month. He always returns happy to see me, yet I notice a little guilt linger for a few minutes. Then he settles into our routine. Last night he was waiting in the driveway for me to arrive. This older man looked like a happy child to me. He's planned a wonderful New Years Eve for us tonight. Being new to this forum and only three months into my first affair with a MM, I wonder if other AP’s experience potentially pivotal moments like these in their relationships? Not sure what you mean by pivotal. But I think most have experienced moments in their As that seem different/more tender/vulnerable etc than other moments. I don't know if they are always pivotal though...in that they mark some change in circumstances or going in a new direction. These moments can be just that...moments, in that they are transient. I'd just be careful not to get carried away and invest much stock into such a moment, although I do understand how it makes one hopeful. This wasn't in an A, but I remember when my ex and I were attempting to reconcile. Actually, let me be frank, I wanted to reconcile . We continued sleeping together and I would hang out with him and do all that with the hopes that he'd realize how much he loved me/missed me and we'd get back together. Most of the time I ended up feeling badly after we slept together because I felt it wasn't tender/emotional/romantic, but just about sex and I felt used. I do remember one "pivotal moment" like you described though, that I thought marked a possible new beginning. One day he asked me to go to lunch and we did and it felt like a first date again. He was attentive, very excited to see me like a a teenaged kid, open, vulnerable and sweet like he was when we first started dating. He asked me to come over and watch movies and I agreed. He was very attentive again, he cooked for me and things felt great. I felt like his girlfriend again and someone he was inlove with and not just his ex whom he was getting sex from. I spent the night, we slept together and for the first in a long time...it felt like making love. He looked into my eyes, he kissed me a lot, it was passionate, he told me I was beautiful etc. Long story short....for me that felt pivotal and different and I thought it meant that things would change, but they didn't. We never did end up getting back together (thankfully!) and after that I think we hung out a few more times and he went back to being more aloof. Saying all that to say: depending on what you're looking for, be careful about assuming moments of vulnerability will be pivotal...if pivotal means an upgrade/change/improvement in circumstance. I don't know what prompted my ex to be like that that day...but someone's reasons may have nothing to do with us or maybe it does, but even so it doesn't always mean things will change. I don't know what your MM was feeling and what resulted in his behavior but I'd watch for more than just tender moments. Edited December 31, 2012 by MissBee
april38 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I understand why you were so excited by his attitude last night. I've been there. As so many of us know the highs in an affair are the greatest highs, but the lows are the lowest lows. The problem with what is happening is he's pulling you in deeper, and probably himself as well. But this just means you will probably experience more pain later. My xMM started getting much closer to me 3 months in, and I really believed I was winning him over. After 7 months I won his heart completely and he left his wife for me and filed for legal separation. I got what I wanted, and I was so happy (except for the fact that then I had to sit there and be by his side while he mourned the loss of his old life and it kind of ruined what was supposed to be a wonderful time for me). Three weeks later he went back home, and I never felt worse. This was 8 months ago, and I'm just starting to get a grip on reality. I'm only sharing this because I couldn't stop myself from falling for him, and I'm sure you can't either. But it did end in tragedy, and I'll never be the same. If you feel you have to go down this road, then you have to. Just be prepared for a very painful rollercoaster ride. I'm sorry.... 1
MissBee Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I understand why you were so excited by his attitude last night. I've been there. As so many of us know the highs in an affair are the greatest highs, but the lows are the lowest lows. The problem with what is happening is he's pulling you in deeper, and probably himself as well. But this just means you will probably experience more pain later. My xMM started getting much closer to me 3 months in, and I really believed I was winning him over. After 7 months I won his heart completely and he left his wife for me and filed for legal separation. I got what I wanted, and I was so happy (except for the fact that then I had to sit there and be by his side while he mourned the loss of his old life and it kind of ruined what was supposed to be a wonderful time for me). Three weeks later he went back home, and I never felt worse. This was 8 months ago, and I'm just starting to get a grip on reality. I'm only sharing this because I couldn't stop myself from falling for him, and I'm sure you can't either. But it did end in tragedy, and I'll never be the same. If you feel you have to go down this road, then you have to. Just be prepared for a very painful rollercoaster ride. I'm sorry.... This is a good point...affairs are indeed a rollercoaster and since stuff is so shaky, the highs always seem higher than they really are and the lows are indeed low. 2
Spark1111 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 He doesn't fight with her, or so he tells me. He never says anything negative about her or really talk about her at all. I'm almost sorry I posted here. Been reading LS for a while looking for insight and answers. well, is that a good thing or a bad thing for you? It's a good thing he doesn't speak badly about his wife, but to not speak of her at all? is that to help you or him or both of you forget that he is married to another woman who awaits his return home twice a month; maybe as excited to see him as you are? Why have you not asked him about his wife, now that you do know of her? Sheesh....I am amazed always at wht is purposely not talked about during affairs! .....Reality should never intrude on fantasy.....until it does and all hell breaks loose. WHAT do you want out of this relationship? How do you perceive the future? Are you happy with things the way they are now?
veryhappy Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Do you want a R with him or are you open only to an A? Men who omit sharing they are married are the worst. He manipulated you, and made it hard for you to stop once you found out he was married.
Catplates Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 He was probably thinking about all the goodies you will put on a platter for him later.
Catplates Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I agree, just don't have the courage to end it and when we are together I don't want to. The whole situation is very confusing for me. I am not used to living like this. Perhaps I am able to ignore it much of the time because he is living here without his W. The fact that I didn't know he was married when this started doesn't really matter. I have chosen to continue. Ignoring the fact that he is married will get more difficult as time goes on. YOur mental and emotional stability will eventually suffer from trying to accept being his second choice. YOu WILL NOT get used to living like that. Try to see past the stars into your eyes into the future. Do you really want to be living with somebody else's husband say 6 months or a year from now? Apart from your own well being, there could be so many consequences for others. Three months is not a long time. It will be much easier now than later to leave it. Many of us have waited years, and suffered much pain and misery in recovery. It is all time wasted when you could be doing much more constructive things in you life. Please take all this as well intentioned. Folk here rare getting nasty or bitchy. They often try to let you look at things from a different perspective. All the best Cat 1
Recommended Posts