Why Don’t Men Listen?

[iris219]

I was trying to figure out why I like the guy I’ve gone out with a few times so much. One of the reasons is because he listens to me and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. This is unfortunately a trait I rarely find in men. He listens and he remembers what I say. This is so odd to me because I never find it. He will reference things I said days before and it still surprises me. I mentioned something I liked and a couple days later, he showed up with it. The gift was a nice gesture, but what was amazing was that he remembered an off handed comment I made one night.

 

He is very detailed oriented and he remembers things like when we first spoke many months ago and what we said.

 

I use to have repeat things to my ex a 100 times because as soon as I stated talking it was like he turned his brain off. I would try to talk to my ex about something we did together and he had no recollection of what I was talking about. I’ve encountered other guys like this too. I just thought having to repeat things to guys was standard.

 

Are some men just not interested in what women have to say? Has anyone else noticed this?

 

I also want to point out that I’m not someone who’s constantly talking. I talk when I feel I have something important or interesting to say.

 

(Before anyone complains, I’m sure there are women who don’t listen either.)

 

It sounds simple, but if you want to make a woman swoon, LISTEN to her!

[Snowman219]

Rule's of dating: If she says buy her something. F***ing do it! Or else!

 

Got it.

[xxoo]

I believe there are some biological reasons that men have difficulty listening to women, from the number of words women use (in comparison to men), to the register of voice women use.

 

Those challenges would vary by individual. Interest also varies by individual. The combination of the two would make possible a wide range of listening ability.

 

Successful listening is a good sign of interest. Unsuccessful listening may not always be a sign of disinterest. The interest may be there, but not the ability.

[Els]

I think any man who is interested in you as a person (ie beyond sex) will at least attempt to listen to you. That has been my experience, at least. I do think it is unrealistic to expect someone to remember everything you say. Just because they don't remember everything doesn't mean they weren't listening when you were talking - some people genuinely have poorer memories. Also, just because they don't show up with something you mentioned you liked, doesn't mean that they weren't listening or don't remember. It's really sweet and I know it feels great when they do the little 'surprise gift' thing, but I wouldn't expect it to be a regular occurrence.

[Treasa]

Just a few days ago I had a lengthy, drawn-out conversation with a male friend of mine over what he should do about his relationship. This conversation lasted half an hour. My male best friend also talked to him. Same advice given, two minutes.

 

That's just how men are. Blink and you've missed their entire interaction.

 

I would say keep it short and concise with them.

[Treasa]

Actually, I shouldn't talk, because I'm female and I tune most people out after a minute and a half.

[MoonSiren]

It is a great quality to find. This guy I'm dating got me Christimas gifts of things that I had said I liked the beginning of the month. I was very suprised that he was listening and remembered what I said. That guy sounds like a keeper!!

[monicaelise]

Men do listen, when you're talking about something they give a rat's behind about.

[iris219]

I think any man who is interested in you as a person (ie beyond sex) will at least attempt to listen to you. That has been my experience, at least. I do think it is unrealistic to expect someone to remember everything you say. Just because they don't remember everything doesn't mean they weren't listening when you were talking - some people genuinely have poorer memories. Also, just because they don't show up with something you mentioned you liked, doesn't mean that they weren't listening or don't remember. It's really sweet and I know it feels great when they do the little 'surprise gift' thing, but I wouldn't expect it to be a regular occurrence.

 

I agree that some people just don't have the best memories.

 

When you remember almost nothing about your interactions with another person, there's a problem. My ex never failed to disappoint me, like when I realized he didn't know what my Master's thesis was about. How was this even possible? I talked about it all the time. He should have had at least a vague idea.

 

I definitely don't expect gifts. I have such low expectations when it comes to dating that I expect very little because I've been continually disappointed.

 

Men do listen, when you're talking about something they give a rat's behind about.

 

I think men should care about things that are important to their mate, even if it's not a topic they would normally be interested in.

 

I listened to my ex talk about his job and a certain sport all the time. I wasn't necessarily interested in either independent of him, but because he was interested, I tried to be respectful of his interests by listening to him talk about them.

[Bristolius]

When I talk, people seem to stop listening when I'm about half-way through my second sentence. Maybe I'm uninteresting and/or people are busy thinking up their own sentences.

[Els]

I agree that some people just don't have the best memories.

 

When you remember almost nothing about your interactions with another person, there's a problem. My ex never failed to disappoint me, like when I realized he didn't know what my Master's thesis was about. How was this even possible? I talked about it all the time. He should have had at least a vague idea.

 

I definitely don't expect gifts. I have such low expectations when it comes to dating that I expect very little because I've been continually disappointed.

 

 

Yeah, I definitely agree that this is bad. It's a bit hit and miss with my bf. He can totally arrive home with some cake that I mentioned liking all of 2 months ago, and can remember stuff about our past dates that even I don't. And at the same time he can forget our address TWO WEEKS after we move in when I think I told him about 3 times.

 

I would be understanding of mistakes as we are all human, but consistently never processing one single thing that you say would be a horribly bad sign.

[EasyHeart]

I was trying to figure out why I like the guy I’ve gone out with a few times so much. One of the reasons is because he listens to me and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. This is unfortunately a trait I rarely find in men. He listens and he remembers what I say. This is so odd to me because I never find it. He will reference things I said days before and it still surprises me. I mentioned something I liked and a couple days later, he showed up with it. The gift was a nice gesture, but what was amazing was that he remembered an off handed comment I made one night.

 

He is very detailed oriented and he remembers things like when we first spoke many months ago and what we said.

 

I use to have repeat things to my ex a 100 times because as soon as I stated talking it was like he turned his brain off. I would try to talk to my ex about something we did together and he had no recollection of what I was talking about. I’ve encountered other guys like this too. I just thought having to repeat things to guys was standard.

 

Are some men just not interested in what women have to say? Has anyone else noticed this?

 

I also want to point out that I’m not someone who’s constantly talking. I talk when I feel I have something important or interesting to say.

 

(Before anyone complains, I’m sure there are women who don’t listen either.)

 

It sounds simple, but if you want to make a woman swoon, LISTEN to her!

Huh?

 

Did you say something?

[iris219]

When I talk, people seem to stop listening when I'm about half-way through my second sentence. Maybe I'm uninteresting and/or people are busy thinking up their own sentences.

 

Maybe some people are just generally uninterested in others. I wouldn't say that you're necessarily uninteresting.

 

Huh?

 

Did you say something?

 

 

But seriously, I have a friend who is making a killing with OLD and I think it's because he's a good listener. Every woman he goes out wants to start a relationship with him immediately, and I don't think he's a good catch (not yet divorced, average looking, skinny fat, underemployed and has to rely on his parents for financial help). I didn't understand why women were smitten for him after a first date, but I'm starting understand.

[soccerrprp]

Yes, women love guys who listen. I have a policy, not just for dating, that I maintain constant eye contact when talking to someone. Keeps me focused, helps with listening and retention and frankly, it's polite. I also know that it makes some people uncomfortable...

 

Anyway, guys are capable if they are truly interested.

[xxoo]

But seriously, I have a friend who is making a killing with OLD and I think it's because he's a good listener. Every woman he goes out wants to start a relationship with him immediately, and I don't think he's a good catch (not yet divorced, average looking, skinny fat, underemployed and has to rely on his parents for financial help). I didn't understand why women were smitten for him after a first date, but I'm starting understand.

 

The ability to make others feel interesting is extremely charming.

[iris219]

The ability to make others feel interesting is extremely charming.

 

Agreed. I wish more men realized this or cared enough to do it.

[EasyHeart]

The ability to make others feel interesting is extremely charming.

There's an old saying that "Interested is interesting".

 

There's a reason it's a cliche: It works.

[iris219]

There's an old saying that "Interested is interesting".

 

There's a reason it's a cliche: It works.

 

Yep.

 

Women are actually surprisingly easy to please.

[CptSaveAho]

Too bad those good listeners turn out to be "friends"

 

Your friend you referenced is proof of that

[iris219]

Too bad those good listeners turn out to be "friends"

 

Your friend you referenced is proof of that

 

Funny you mentioned that because about 4 years ago I tried to date him because I really liked him, but he had too much wrong with him.

 

In addition to the flaws I listed before, he also smokes pot and takes pills. I finally had to end it when he admitted he occasionally still slept with his wife who he was separated from. They still aren't divorced.

 

Being a good listener and showing interest in women can make you attractive even when you aren't.

[Lonely Ronin]

I just had a lightbulb moment, I now know why I do so well in dating. I routinely hear how did you remember that, or I don't remember talking about that.

[iris219]

I just had a lightbulb moment, I now know why I do so well in dating. I routinely hear how did you remember that, or I don't remember talking about that.

 

Is this a natural thing for you, to listen to others? I assume some people are able to do this easily and others aren't.

 

It is incredible how something seemingly small like listening to a woman is so, so important.

 

I knew you were a good listener, LR. I could just tell.

[xxoo]

I just had a lightbulb moment, I now know why I do so well in dating. I routinely hear how did you remember that, or I don't remember talking about that.

 

In many ways, it is tied in with the fact that women like men who genuinely like women.

 

When men on LS complain about how women are this and that, it is no wonder to me why women aren't interested in them Why would I want to be with a guy who is annoyed by women on the whole?

[Lonely Ronin]

Iris,

 

I assume it'd because, I'm super observant, and I have the ability on one thing to the exclusion of everything else around me. What Xxoo said plays a part as well, if I'm with a woman, I'm thee because I really want to be.

[edgygirl]

In many ways, it is tied in with the fact that women like men who genuinely like women.

 

When men on LS complain about how women are this and that, it is no wonder to me why women aren't interested in them Why would I want to be with a guy who is annoyed by women on the whole?

 

I agree but sometimes women do talk too much! Venus/Mars says the way women process things in their heads is by venting and talking. Men process things by going to the cave. So there's a disconnect here that is hard to overcome, biologically it seems.

 

It's great to be with a guy who listens and understand us, and I was lucky enough to have a few, but I'm starting to think that using our girlfriends to vent instead might be a good idea.