I really don't know anymore

[Joyvke]

Heya, she's back after a long period of absence. In the meantime alot has happened.

 

In 2010 I met a guy (21 when we met, 23 now - I'm 28) online and we really hit it off. I enjoyed talking with him for hours on end on Skype. After a while we admitted to liking each other and decided to meet up in the Christmas holidays as he only had just gotten his job. So he came here to the Netherlands (he's from the UK) and we pretty much hit it off the same day. We had a really good time in those days and we saw each other pretty often considering it was a LDR (average 1 - 2 times a month).

 

We dated till October of this year somewhat. He said we didn't get along anymore. Sure we had a few fights and I was getting frustrated. Let me try and explain.

 

Whenever he came here, he'd be sleeping the day away due to being tired. When he was here I wanted to spend time together and not sleep all day. I did mention this a few times. We made an agreement, he'd come here for longer then 1 day, so he could sleep on the Friday, we could do stuff on Saturday and Sundays he'd be leaving home (it was Saturday/ Sunday before). At some point he was sleeping the entire weekend only to wake up for food. The last few times we almost had no sexual contact either. I know he works alot, but for me it was very frustrating as well. Last time he was here I lashed out, I had failed another exam, he came here and he was nearly bald shaven (it was way too short and he knows I really dislike that - still no excuse for me to lash out). In this weekend we went for dinner and was supposed to go to a restaurant, at some point I didn't wanted to go anymore (gran was in hospital), so I let him go to the restaurant with my brother and his mate and me and my mum went to the hospital that evening.

 

The Sunday the saying goodbyes was hard again even though the weekend wasn't that great. We both started thinking is this what we want and ended up with some sort of break up. Tried no contact, but we keep coming back to each other regarding contact. He wrote a really sweet poem, which made me believe things might be go back to normal, but after a few days he said he doesn't love me anymore - at all. In the meantime he's lost two of his grandparents and went to a rough patch himself. It was a very frustrating time for the both of us, for me because I was so confused, upset and had so many emotions going through me, for him because this is the first time he's lost people in his family.

 

We ended up meeting about 2 Sundays ago and really had a great time. If you didn't know we had broken up you'd say we'd still be a couple. We had fun, we cuddled, and what not. It was weird for me to see him still staying he doesn't love me anymore, but yet he wanted to keep cuddling all the time. After that I tried to give him space, both of us constantly checking our phones (can see on whatsapp) but not texting. When we went no contact again, he was the one who contacted me twice.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want a relation with anyone and that's fair enough. Yet we call for hours again on Skype (8 hours on average), so how exactly don't we get along? I'm very confused and really don't know what to at the moment. He's off to work soon, so maybe then he will start missing me. Should I just stop every contact we have and see what happens, or just what we are doing now without pushing him to start something new together with me. Yesterday I wrote him a letter and the ending said this:

 

A very short meeting, but I was so happy to see you again. We had a great Sunday, even with all the bad feelings knowing it was over it was still good. It was nice to be held in your arms. Had fun going to "our" hotel and I was really happy in general. Very sad this could possibly be the last time we'd ever do this. Only regrets that I didn't handle things well the last 3 months in our relation.

 

Like I said, I am glad you came in my life in 2010 and I really hope to see you in my life for a long time to come. I want to give you the space you need to settle your thoughts. I know you don't want a relationship right now and maybe it's just not one with me. I really hope you will remember the good times and like we talk for hours on Skype, I definitely think we do get along just fine. I do love you with all my heart and I wish I had shown this more better the past few months. We had alot of good times and I hope we will make many more to come.

 

Mutual friends tell me to give it time and that he still cares about me, sometimes I think the same. Then he tells me he wouldn't want to get back together if I were to date someone else in the meantime, yet he would be happy for me if I did (???). One of the days before or after our meeting I said I loved him, he said it back. After not hearing it for such a long time I asked if he meant it and he mumbled he did. Then a few days later he said he can't recall he said it nor did he mumble. I know he's a lot younger then I am and I am his first girlfriend in everything. These things are just really confusing for me. Is he acting because he's too proud to date his ex-girlfriend. Is he just too young in his behavior - he can be pretty immature. Urgh I really don't know and I hate it when I don't know what to do .

 

Sorry for the long text and it's probably not really consistent in its story.

 

TLDR

Been dating this guy for nearly 2 years, broke up. Says he doesn't love me anymore and that we don't get along. We've been skyping for hours on end again every day. Keep texting on whatsapp when I said I wouldn't contact him (NC). I'm a very confused individual right now and am not sure what I should do.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Joyvke

[Gottabestrong]

Who calls who on Skype? If it is you, stop. If it is him, ask him why he keeps contacting you if he does not love and does not want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Good luck!

[Joyvke]

Well today I've told him to not contact me if he truly doesn't love me. We've had long Skype calls again over the past few days. I'm crying my heart out at the moment and I wonder if this is the right thing to do.

 

I don't want to play emotional games by not contacting, contacting and such, I want him to realize what he's letting to . I really hope he does, because it was always nice, the attraction is there, we have fun, the only hard thing was the distance we've had.... If I didn't trust him in being faithful I would have broken up already.

 

whatever option I choose none seems to be right.

[Joyvke]

Cried myself to sleep last night. Checking phone hoping he's texted what a fool he's been. It won't happen and I have to move on, I know that. It's so damn hard, I really loved this guy. I hate how my predictions came out as soon as he told me I was his first. I was stupid to believe it would be any different.

 

Why do people throw away others like that. If you have great times, attraction, no cheating and what not, why throw that away. Isn't the essence of a relation to be good friends and be yourself with all the flaws and positives you got or am I too old fashioned for todays relationscene . (There's no GIGS with this guy either).

 

Noticed he's checking his phone alot again, disabled his facebook (the reason, he admitted this, for enabling it was to see how I was doing last time, now he's disabled it again). Once I'm ready I will remove him from everything that I have, but I'm not just yet...

Edited January 6, 2013 by Joyvke

[Joyvke]

Feeling so utterly crap, constantly wondering if this is the right thing to do. I don't want to stop talking to him, but the feeling I will get if he were to get someone else makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this to be over, and I do want to fight, but it's a pointless war if only one side is fighting for it.

 

Can't stop crying.

[Joyvke]

Going to meet up again in the weekend of 26th - 28th see if we can fix it. He wanted to try too. If it doesn't I will walk away from his life. Already asked friends and family to help me delete him from my life. Though I hope on a positive outcome, I'm fully aware it might not be. I'll keep you guys and girls posted. (In case people do read this thread).

[Joyvke]

I know the topic is a little old, but I really need to sprout my thoughts and what not. At the moment I'm feeling heartbroken and I feel I have to write this thing off me.

 

We've seen each other in the weekend of the 26th and the 28th January and initially it was a great weekend. Things turned sour the last night because he really didn't wanted to try anymore. I cried my heart out and even had muscle pain in my belly from all the crying I've done. Realizing I'd be losing one of the most important people in my life, I've acted like a complete whack job by slapping like a proper girl and just having my emotions taking over all reasoning. On to the next morning we've both didn't have alot of sleep. The trip to the airport was a long drive, we didn't say an awful lot. I cried and told him how I didn't understand how he's letting go what we had just because he "feels" he's missing something without even knowing what it is he's missing.

 

Just before we arrive at the airport he mentions we could try again, with one condition that I wouldn't think he'd be leading me on. Since I had to catch a plane we would talk in the evening. In the evening he didn't change his mind and said he really wanted to give it a shot. The next day he came back from his decision, saying he was afraid of hurting me even more. I've explained it would hurt me more if we hadn't tried and that I rather have us try and not work out, then not trying and not knowing what could happen. I asked him if he wanted to try it because he wanted it, or because of me. Turned out he wanted to give it a chance as well, but was afraid his feeling wouldn't come back. So we would give it a few months.

 

Fast forward to last week. We've had some nice weekends in the time. Lots of talking on skype and whatsapp in our absents. Last weekend I made a "romantic" preparation. I had our garden house prepared for a 2 person meal and got him ribs, one of the meals he really enjoys. The weekend was one of the best we've ever had in our 2 year relationship. He agreed on it as well.

 

Today however I broke up. I've told him multiple times as soon as he's home he seems like a different person. It turned out he was having a long weekend this weekend and I said it would have been nice to have known it, so I could book a trip to his place. The first response was "but I enjoy having weekends of my own", this is coming from someone I maybe see once a month. I started to think if this is really the person I fell in love with and it wasn't. The guy I met 3 years ago and started dating for 2 years was a guy that wanted to talk and spend as much time with me when he could. I'm not asking him to come over every week or me coming over every week to his place, I'm also not high maintenance demanding 100 texts a day or wanting presents and all of his time or whatever. All I was asking was an occasional text to hear he loved or missed me. He then told me he still doesn't feel it, whilst he did say last weekend that he never said he didn't love me. It turned out he's only said he loved me because he was afraid I'd turn into the girl from the hotel weekend where I got so upset.

 

When I ask him what love is he tells me it's that he enjoys company, being able to stay himself, being attracted and what not. A relationship is something that is pretty much somewhat the same and able to talk about things, seeing each others side in a discussion or so, and just generally being able to be yourself without having to change. Pretty much all the things we have right now is what he's looking for in a relationship, so I really don't understand what he is missing, but I also know I'm fed up waiting on someone who doesn't know what he wants in a relationship. I doubt he will realize what he's letting go and I'll be back to getting over someone that I cared about a lot. He was upset to hear I'm not going to be friends and that we won't talk anymore, but I can't bring myself to it again. Last time took me a long time to get over someone else because I felt guilty for not staying friends (I was the only friend he had) and it's the same deal pretty much right now. I feel guilty for not being friends, but I don't want to stay stuck in the same cycle yet again. This time feels different though. With my last ex when he was holding me you could feel the distance, now he was constantly wanting to hold me and it didn't feel any different then it ever did. I'm starting to think he might just be stubborn because he's once said that as soon as we break up we wouldn't get back together as he didn't wanted an on and off relationship.

 

Think it's time to consider being the crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.