How do I cope with regret after breaking up?

[littlesunshine]

So I had this 4 months relationship, it was my first serious relationship ever, and I broke up with him. Things are a little complicated and I think I will start from the beginning. Anyway, I've known him for a long time, our parents are good friends. But we were never really friends, since we only occasionally meet up when our parents decide to visit each other. We live on two different sides of America, and he's older than me (I'm a senior in high school and he's a sophomore in college).

 

During the summer we met again and spent some quality times together. I soon realized that we both obviously had feelings for each other, so I made the first move by dropping hints and breaking the touch barrier. Things then developed into a pretty normal relationship. But unfortunately when school started we had to go back to different parts of the country. At first we emailed each other whenever we got the chance, we even mailed each other presents and surprises. Then one month or so into the school year, things started to change. He emailed me way less, sometimes not even once in 2 weeks, not even one line or one text or one call. No nothing. While I do still email him every 2 to 3 days because I just want to talk to him and communicate, because I thought he wanted to hear from me as well.

 

He told me he was busy with his part-time job and school work, and I can understand that. I'm not needy, I don't need him to write a sonnet for me everyday; I just think it's really bizarre that he can't find one minute to send me one sentence in 2 weeks. It might also been that the difference is too great compare to how much we emailed in the first few weeks. I suppose I could have been okay with it, had he not been constantly posting on FB and twitter about how he's hanging out with friends and going to parties. I would log on to my account and see things like, "Had a wonderful night at the birthday party #awesome" or "I found out about a new coffee house, better than Starbucks" or pictures of him partying.

 

I wonder where he gets all these time when he can't even find 1 minute in 14 days to send me a short something to give me a quick update. Naturally, I confronted him because I didn't think I deserve this. His only reply (which came within 2 hours) was that he's been very busy and he doesn't even think he would have time to socialize. I said alright, I trust you. But he kept on posting things about him partying and socializing everyday, which made me very confused and sad. I felt like I've been lied to and deceived and intentionally hurt.

 

Then early in December I talked to my brother about it. After thinking over a few days, I sent him an email (I know, but that was our main way of communication so...) saying that I feel that I'm inhibiting his life since he obviously doesn't want to communicate with me, and that it seems to me that our relationship had become an unnecessary burden and restriction, and I think it's time to call this the end. Of course, I said at the end too that I wish him all felicity in marriage and life, and since Christmas was in 2 weeks, happy holiday.

 

He didn't reply until Christmas Eve, first complaining to me about how much work and emails and things he has to take care of. Then he said he wanted to suggest the same thing anyway, that he has enough in his head already with working and studying. I was angry and shocked at his insensitivity, so I just asked him to excuse all the troubles I've caused and happy holidays. I didn't block him on FB and twitter until a few days ago, and he has been posting things of his "wonderful life" and hooking up with girls the whole time.

 

But for some reason, I miss him, and I regret breaking up because I think about the possibility of how we might be able to work thing out. I don't know, I might be just unwilling to accept the fact that my first serious relationship is over (feels like a failure) and maybe I just enjoy feeling safe and secure and supported (feels like I'm so messed up), which I did feel the first 5 weeks of our relationship. I might be just missing that, and not him exactly. I don't know how to cope now. I feel so stupid for have to regret my own decision and so angry at both him and me. Him because he broke his promises and me because I am such a coward.

 

Well I must end now because this is getting dangerously long... I can really use some advice right now. Was I wrong in breaking up with him? Should I just let time cure my pain and let it be? How do I get over my regrets, I mean, are they even reasonable regrets? I don't know, any advice would be fantastic. Thank you for your time and effort

[sadpanda87]

sounds like a typical case of ldr growing apart. you were quite right with the break up, he was going to do it sooner or later.. chances are he was hooking up with that chick before you officially 'broke up' anyway

 

move on, you'll find someone better, someone that will care for you

[Sarahbee]

It's normal to have regrets when breaking up with someone, even if you know in your heart and your head that it's the right thing to do. It's always hard because there's an empty space where they used to be, and of course you're going to miss them. And part of that seems to be idealising them and remembering only the good things about them.

 

Remember the reasons why you broke up with him - they're very valid reasons. He's moved away, he's moving on with his life and he's not taking the time to include you in it. You've done the right thing in letting him go, and now you just need to give yourself time to grieve the loss and move on. You're young, you'll have plenty of opportunities in the future to meet someone else. Go no contact, nurture yourself, keep busy and don't look back. He's shown to you that he wouldn't be a great boyfriend, so hold out for someone who wants to be with you and who makes you feel safe and treasured, not confused and disappointed. Good luck.

[Treasa]

Sweetie, you are very articulate for an 18-year-old. I think you did the right thing, and I think you have someone way better coming your way. You deserve better than this.

[littlesunshine]

sounds like a typical case of ldr growing apart. you were quite right with the break up, he was going to do it sooner or later.. chances are he was hooking up with that chick before you officially 'broke up' anyway

 

move on, you'll find someone better, someone that will care for you

Thank you for your advice I do hope I can meet somebody wonderful this year!

[littlesunshine]

It's normal to have regrets when breaking up with someone, even if you know in your heart and your head that it's the right thing to do. It's always hard because there's an empty space where they used to be, and of course you're going to miss them. And part of that seems to be idealising them and remembering only the good things about them.

 

Remember the reasons why you broke up with him - they're very valid reasons. He's moved away, he's moving on with his life and he's not taking the time to include you in it. You've done the right thing in letting him go, and now you just need to give yourself time to grieve the loss and move on. You're young, you'll have plenty of opportunities in the future to meet someone else. Go no contact, nurture yourself, keep busy and don't look back. He's shown to you that he wouldn't be a great boyfriend, so hold out for someone who wants to be with you and who makes you feel safe and treasured, not confused and disappointed. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice I find your words quite soothing. I already blocked him on all my social networks and I will try my best to not contact him. Thank you and I have my fingers crossed for the future!

[littlesunshine]

Sweetie, you are very articulate for an 18-year-old. I think you did the right thing, and I think you have someone way better coming your way. You deserve better than this.

Thank you My head tells me that I did the right thing but I guess I need to adjust still. Thank you, I sure hope I will meet a wonderful guy this year!