Is it wrong to expect gifts in an LDR?

[Aedra]

Basically, I've been in an LDR for two years now. It's been a rough, rough ride, particularly the first year but we've pulled through and I know I love this guy. He is sweet, genuine, honest and loyal of that I don't doubt. One of the ways I try to show affection, especially with such a long distance, is gifts. Pretty normal right? Over the 2 years I've bought him many things, quite recently a 200 dollar gift that I knew he'd find very useful and he loves it.

 

The only time he has ever sent me anything was some flowers very early on in our relationship, but this was only after ALOT of arguments about it. I've hinted many times I'd like something to remind me of him, a physical momento to help me cope with the distance, but he never gets around to it. He has alot of trouble with gifts and I know its partially because of financial reasons. I recently went to his country to stay with him for 2 months, he spend quite a bit of money on gas and various items so I know he is not stingy.

 

The other reason is because he doesn't feel like anything he'll send me is good enough compared to what I get him. I rarely ask him anymore after realizing how difficult it is for him, but I always feels this deep disappointment and frustration regardless. I just keep feeling, it shouldn't be too much to ask for a small physical item that reminds me of him, right? I've always asked for inexpensive things, like letters or a picture frame, but even that is too much for him and he never gets around to it. I don't want to any financial strain on him whatsoever, but I can't help but feels he's just trying to avoid it for whatever reason half the time because he always gives me half a dozen different excuses. What do you think? Am I being too materialistic/unresonable or is there some kind of explanation? I'm just feeling kind of conflicted and worthless about it.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Aedra

[movingon12]

Are you "hinting" that you'd like these things or are you actually telling him you'd like him to send you these things? If he doesn't show love through giving gifts, it's not going to be a priority for him unless you are very clear that you want him to send things to you that you can hold in your hands.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but one thing I have learned is usually 'hints' aren't enough.

[Aedra]

Are you "hinting" that you'd like these things or are you actually telling him you'd like him to send you these things? If he doesn't show love through giving gifts, it's not going to be a priority for him unless you are very clear that you want him to send things to you that you can hold in your hands.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but one thing I have learned is usually 'hints' aren't enough.

 

Sorry, think I didn't explain that bit properly. I am almost always blunt and to the point about gifts. I think I have a very honest discussion with him at least a dozen times. It never gets anywhere. I suppose you are right though, he doesn't seem to see it as a priority.

[movingon12]

I know LDR aren't very realistic situations, but I think you've either got to really spell it out: 'next month please send me a letter' or just accept that he's not really into gift giving.

 

I read once there are (I think 7) different ways of showing love. One is giving gifts, one is providing money/a home, one is feeding, one is romantic poems/letters/songs, and I forget the rest. Might be worth trying to work out what it is that he does so at least you can notice and appreciate it when he does it. (Assuming he can do it if you're apart).

[HeavenOrHell]

If someone asked me for presents I'd find it quite rude and presumptuous, I'd rather get surprises for people, not gifts which are expected of me.

 

Some people just aren't gift givers, it doesn't mean they don't care.

 

Some people aren't romantic, and can't pretend to be if they're not.

 

 

Sorry, think I didn't explain that bit properly. I am almost always blunt and to the point about gifts. I think I have a very honest discussion with him at least a dozen times. It never gets anywhere. I suppose you are right though, he doesn't seem to see it as a priority.

[movingon12]

I loved buying / sending gifts to my girlfriend when in my LDR...

 

if fact, I don't see that distance is the issue, I just love buying things for my other half, sometimes it's a surprise, sometimes it's something they have hinted about, sometimes we are in the shop and she is going to buy it and I do instead...

 

just one of the things I like doing... I guess not everyone is the same...

 

I think it would be dangerous to 'expect' or bluntly ask for things though...

 

The problem comes when different people show love in different ways. If you loved buying your girlfriend gifts, but what she actually wanted was for you to call her and sing love songs down the phone, she's not going to be happy with just receiving gifts - no matter how much you loved sending them. So the question is, why do you send the gifts? To make her happy or to make you happy?

 

It's dangerous to assume that because you love sending gifts that means she loves receiving them. The OP has identified that what she needs is something physical she can hold in her hand (even just a letter). That's not unreasonable. But clearly her boyfriend isn't a gift giver.

 

So what happens next?

a) she 'pretends' that she's happy with the way he shows love even though she's not

b) she accepts he's not a mind reader and politely tells him what would make her happy or

c) she breaks up with him because she's not getting what she needs.

 

Any long term relationship (distance or otherwise) depends on open communication, it's about being honest with each other. Sometimes that means having awkward 'blunt' conversations - but it's better than assuming your partner automatically knows what you want.

[HeavenOrHell]

Asking for gifts means if they're being given it's because they've been asked to give them and not because the idea came from the giver, which would take the meaning out for it for me.

 

My partner isn't a big gift giver, I said don't worry about xmas presents. as I don't do xmas but he sent a couple of lovely things anyway.

 

I never expect presents from him, and gift buying isn't his thing really anyway and he usually has no idea what to get When he sends me something I really appreciate it because it's something he chose, I value the cards he sends as much as the presents, if not more because of the words inside.

 

I don't receive cards/presents from him often, but it means I appreciate them more when I do.

 

I really appreciate all the meals out he pays for when we're together, and he sends me donations for the little charity I run, he's also said if there's anything I want ie dvd's or books anytime just to let him know (just because he has more money than me), which is really kind of him, or if I see anything when we're out then let him know. I don't like to take advantage though, so I don't do that too often

 

He's a kind soul though.

[Aedra]

The problem comes when different people show love in different ways. If you loved buying your girlfriend gifts, but what she actually wanted was for you to call her and sing love songs down the phone, she's not going to be happy with just receiving gifts - no matter how much you loved sending them. So the question is, why do you send the gifts? To make her happy or to make you happy?

 

It's dangerous to assume that because you love sending gifts that means she loves receiving them. The OP has identified that what she needs is something physical she can hold in her hand (even just a letter). That's not unreasonable. But clearly her boyfriend isn't a gift giver.

 

So what happens next?

a) she 'pretends' that she's happy with the way he shows love even though she's not

b) she accepts he's not a mind reader and politely tells him what would make her happy or

c) she breaks up with him because she's not getting what she needs.

 

Any long term relationship (distance or otherwise) depends on open communication, it's about being honest with each other. Sometimes that means having awkward 'blunt' conversations - but it's better than assuming your partner automatically knows what you want.

 

Thanks, I'm glad somebody understands where I'm coming from. I really appreciate everyone's responses too. I really don't like being so blunt all the time, but I'd rather be crystal clear about what I need. Honestly not sure what to do about it. It's making things much harder for me then I feel it should be. A couple of days ago he admitted he was too selfish about gifts. Some time before that he told me there was no real emphasis on gift giving in his family and was never priority. So yeah, I'm not really sure what to feel about it all. I know I have been very clear about what I need, but with his money problems I've just quieten down about it. He shows love in other ways, but it doesn't give me the same feeling as gifts does, you know? And I think it would be kind of petty to throw away a genuine relationship over something like gifts. So I don't know. I just feel bad and I don't even know what to feel.

[tinyrobot]

Hey, I was lurking around here and I had to log in and respond to you because I've gone through the same.

 

First off, it pisses me off when people say that demanding presents is for shallow people and that is rude. Well, it is, BUT when you are in a relationship and you care enough to give presents to your partner then, OUT OF EDUCATION (if not out of love), you SHOULD return the present.

 

Of course, later comes something that really sucks and it is the fact that we all evalute the present: is it expensive enough? is it bad quality? is it bad taste? do I like it?... well, giving presents is really hard but if you know the person very well (as you are supposed to know your gf/bf) then you shouldn't have problems getting closer to the ideal present for them.

 

Yes, it is hard to get a good present when you don't have money but if your partner has been giving you things and you feel you can't return them because of your financial status then you should talk to them and tell them that you can't return that level of presents and if they dont mind if you give them things that you can afford.

 

Parenthesis here: for the person giving expensive presents, they shouldnt start off like that if you are expecting gifts in return. You should give normal presents to see what they can return and later, increase the value if you believe/see they can really afford something better.

 

Anyway, Im sorry Im writting so much but I think I have a PhD on this department. My point is that I dont think you are wrong with your expectations but the bad news is that this guy is not going to change.

 

He is careless because at some point (and Im talking about me, i dont know about you), after you've given so many presents and never see anything in return you start lowering your expectations and just wait for a candy or a lollipop. But when not even that comes then I can only tell you that he doesnt deserve your attention anymore.

 

I dont know how the rest of your relationship is, but this thing (stupid and shallow for some) is just one of the many red flags that appear when a relationship is not good in general.

 

I was in a LDR for 5 years and I gave all the presents, big ones, small ones, cards, all shows of affection and I never got ANYTHING in return. So at some point I said to myself: ok, I wont regret what I did because I gave these things out of love and affection BUT I can't continue being a fool for so long, so I stopped with all that. There came a time when someone didn't receive my presents anymore and that was it..

 

We broke up around a month ago. But that's another story.

[Aedra]

Hey, I was lurking around here and I had to log in and respond to you because I've gone through the same.

 

First off, it pisses me off when people say that demanding presents is for shallow people and that is rude. Well, it is, BUT when you are in a relationship and you care enough to give presents to your partner then, OUT OF EDUCATION (if not out of love), you SHOULD return the present.

 

Of course, later comes something that really sucks and it is the fact that we all evalute the present: is it expensive enough? is it bad quality? is it bad taste? do I like it?... well, giving presents is really hard but if you know the person very well (as you are supposed to know your gf/bf) then you shouldn't have problems getting closer to the ideal present for them.

 

Yes, it is hard to get a good present when you don't have money but if your partner has been giving you things and you feel you can't return them because of your financial status then you should talk to them and tell them that you can't return that level of presents and if they dont mind if you give them things that you can afford.

 

Parenthesis here: for the person giving expensive presents, they shouldnt start off like that if you are expecting gifts in return. You should give normal presents to see what they can return and later, increase the value if you believe/see they can really afford something better.

 

Anyway, Im sorry Im writting so much but I think I have a PhD on this department. My point is that I dont think you are wrong with your expectations but the bad news is that this guy is not going to change.

 

He is careless because at some point (and Im talking about me, i dont know about you), after you've given so many presents and never see anything in return you start lowering your expectations and just wait for a candy or a lollipop. But when not even that comes then I can only tell you that he doesnt deserve your attention anymore.

 

I dont know how the rest of your relationship is, but this thing (stupid and shallow for some) is just one of the many red flags that appear when a relationship is not good in general.

 

I was in a LDR for 5 years and I gave all the presents, big ones, small ones, cards, all shows of affection and I never got ANYTHING in return. So at some point I said to myself: ok, I wont regret what I did because I gave these things out of love and affection BUT I can't continue being a fool for so long, so I stopped with all that. There came a time when someone didn't receive my presents anymore and that was it..

 

We broke up around a month ago. But that's another story.

 

Thank you for your response tinyrobot. That sounded really painful I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out =( I agree with alot of your points though. I recently came back from 2 month vacation to the U.S and got to live with my bf almost like a normal couple. It really opened my eyes with how he lived and was raised as well as the general attitude of people in his hometown, so I can understand why some people think expecting gifts is presumptuous and don't take offense. Culturally, his area is so radically different from mine and how I was raised. Still, I feel he has no real excuse for the zero attempts to send me anything and you're right, its unlikely he'll ever change. I'm still not sure how to deal with any of this at the moment, I'm trying to do everything I can to make everything work, just bit depressed over everything.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Aedra

[FitChick]

Either give gifts with no expectations or stop giving them except maybe for his birthday. If he notices he will either be relieved because the pressure is off or he will get you something.

 

When are you planning to move to the US or is he planning to move to your country? Having an end date makes LDRs a bit more bearable.

[Aedra]

Either give gifts with no expectations or stop giving them except maybe for his birthday. If he notices he will either be relieved because the pressure is off or he will get you something.

 

When are you planning to move to the US or is he planning to move to your country? Having an end date makes LDRs a bit more bearable.

 

There's no set end date atm, its complicated due to finances and we've both doing our best to figure out whose going to move. By the looks of it he is most likely going to move in 2 or so years.

 

I had along talk with him today too again about the gift subject, which ended up unraveling into alot more then I expected. He is frustrated with how I handle things in my life and feels I'm not doing enough to improve myself and due to those feelings, feelings discouraged with sending stuff on top of the financial issues he's having. He feels he isn't treating me like his girlfriend enough as well and isn't sure why despite being clear he really loved me and wanted me to be his wife eventually.. sounds a bit contradictory don't even know what to think. I just feel really hurt by what he said I feel I'm doing my best. =(

Edited January 3, 2013 by Aedra

[allenpo123]

 

The other reason is because he doesn't feel like anything he'll send me is good enough compared to what I get him. I rarely ask him anymore after realizing how difficult it is for him, but I always feels this deep disappointment and frustration regardless. I just keep feeling, it shouldn't be too much to ask for a small physical item that reminds me of him, right? I've always asked for inexpensive things, like letters or a picture frame, but even that is too much for him and he never gets around to it. I don't want to any financial strain on him whatsoever, but I can't help but feels he's just trying to avoid it for whatever reason half the time because he always gives me half a dozen different excuses. What do you think? Am I being too materialistic/unresonable or is there some kind of explanation? I'm just feeling kind of conflicted and worthless about it.

 

 

I TOTALLY know how you feel. I was in a LDR before, and I kept hinting him to send me a card, a letter, or just anything that came from him. It's really not the stuff he bought, but the effort he put into it right? I was needy and kept pushing him to send me something, every time I mentioned this up, he said the more I push him, the later he is really actually going to do it. He also said that he's just not that kind of person who writes letters or send things. He's the kind of person who would rather stay up late and talk on the phone when he can get direct response.

 

I felt like I was being materialistic nudging him to send me stuff but I was so insecure that he was never going to send me anything, it was like I'm not worth that effort. He did send me a stuffed animal on my birthday, but it was through AMAZON and it only had this crappy typed message in it, he didn't even bother to pick up a card for me and send it. That really broke my heart, but I didn't tell him.

 

I don't think expecting gifts in LDR is wrong, I think it's part of the fun! I sent him so many handmade cards just because I felt like it and I knew it would bring a smile on his face. But if you don't get anything in return, it can be a little frustrating..... Giving and receiving has to have some kind of balance..

[ladyabstrused]

Well, I don't think there is any wrong or right really because it depends on the situation. If he is truly pressed with finances and has a hard time getting stuff for you just so he could keep up with living, I think you should understand his position.

 

Pardon me if you've mentioned what I'm pinpointing here because I didn't read all the posts in this thread. All I'm saying is, expects gifts within reason if you must, but in my opinion, there's a lot more to love and to the relationship than gifts or objects. I'd rather my boyfriend save up the money for a future with me, or save up the money for his bills so he could speak to me through the phone or via online which I think is more important in an LDR.

 

I always believe that there should be a goal in mind, to close the gap, only when we are in physical will I then perhaps think about gifts and such. I like giving my boyfriend stuff, but in no way am I expecting anything back from him. All I ask in return is his honesty and loyalty and love.