crashvector Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 (edited) I am a soon-to-be 36 year old man, divorced for 7 years now. Unless its a case of abuse or infidelity, I will ask you this: Why did you fall in love with your spouse in the first place? Then, read this: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Notice verse 7: it always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES. Not sometimes...not whenever its convenient...not only when it comes easily without any real effort on your part... but ALWAYS. I'm no bible-thumper, but I know how bad divorce is. Trust me...if there is ANY way you can salvage your marriage: DO IT. Unless you have been divorced, you have NO IDEA how bad it is. do yourself a favor and exhaust EVERY option you have before you start talking divorce. Just a message from a man who's been down this sad SAD road, and who believes in real, true love with all his heart. I weep when I think of all the good loves gone bad simply because someone gave up too quickly. Edited December 31, 2012 by crashvector 5
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I've been divorced twice. in my case? I wouldn't change a thing. Love is NOT constant. In fact, nothing is. Persevering when there is something broken just makes it worse. That's the problem. This has to apply to both people, equally, at the same time. I think hand on heart, I can honestly say it never, never does. Hence - this website. 3
movingon12 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Getting divorced was absolutely one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.
mid-divorce Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Can I ask, how long were you married and did you have kids? {im 37, my wife is divorcing me, she started the divorce 1 week after leaving our home with our 3 children .. 3, 5 and 11 year old]
movingon12 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Can I ask, how long were you married and did you have kids? {im 37, my wife is divorcing me, she started the divorce 1 week after leaving our home with our 3 children .. 3, 5 and 11 year old] Who are you asking?
mid-divorce Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Both of you that think the divorce was the best thing... I'm just struggling to get my head round things and would like to know what you think from the side of wanting the divorce... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/354725-wife-divorcing-me-14.html
movingon12 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 In my case, we'd been together 7 years, married for 1.5. No kids fortunately. I'm not saying that's it's fun or that everyone should do it as soon as things go wrong. But equally there's no point trying to keep going in a relationship that is doomed to failure. I remarried 3.5 years after I separated from my ex and now, for the first time, I know what a real marriage should be. The differences between my first and second marriage are like night and day. So for me, divorcing my ex gave me the chance to be truly happy with my husband. 1
mid-divorce Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 In my case, we'd been together 7 years, married for 1.5. No kids fortunately. I'm not saying that's it's fun or that everyone should do it as soon as things go wrong. But equally there's no point trying to keep going in a relationship that is doomed to failure. I remarried 3.5 years after I separated from my ex and now, for the first time, I know what a real marriage should be. The differences between my first and second marriage are like night and day. So for me, divorcing my ex gave me the chance to be truly happy with my husband. I haven't been the greatest husband, nothing major.. just untidy, not helping enough with the kids etc.. i have told my wife i love her everyday and i have always tried my best by her up until she said she wanted to leave, then we argued alot... but since she has been gone (5months) i have had councelling every week to make me a better person and I am great now with the kids, ive learned to run the house myself and do great at this too - all this she can see and says how im now the husband she wanted but 'its too late' as she has lost her love... BUT 8 years ago she moved out and said the same, then came back after 5months and we have had 2 more kids since..
jf2good Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 If love is: "not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs" then my wife never loved me, in fact then most people don't love as they are easily angered. So why is abuse and infidelity the only things you deem are allowable for a divorce? Giving up on a marriage too early is not right, neither is hanging on too long.
Kelemvor Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 To the OP: I'm sorry that you feel this way. I have a suspicion that you might be one of the unfortunate individuals to travel through divorce and never actually move on or seek/find new relationships that are fulfilling and worthwhile. Hindsight can be a funny thing... 20/20? or... 20/20 through rose colored glasses? I can pick virtually any past relationship and find it much easier to tease out the positives than the negatives which I tend to forget or minimize over time. That's actually what got me into my mess of a marriage to someone that I had actually been engaged to 10 yrs ago but had the common sense to break it off back then whereas I didn't later on. 2 miserable years later, I have a divorce. It's one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but it was also the absolute best decision for BOTH of us. Now... if I sat around, depressed for a long time, I might start to view the relationship differently, but I doubt that I ever will. Chin up. You went through it for a reason 7 yrs ago. Whether it was your decision or hers... I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason in life. I see the underlying point of your post, which is to insinuate a generalization that people are somewhat lacking in the level of commitment they make before the altar. That may be true, but I doubt that people become more happy by remaining in toxic and unhealthy marriage situations. 1
KathyM Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I'm one of those who has been married a long time, stilll to the same husband I married at 19 years old, and who has perservered through the difficult times. And I can say it was well worth it. Our marriage had its struggles, some of which others would have thrown in the towel long ago, but neither of us were willing to give up on the marriage, and I can say with all honesty, it was the best decision to stay, and our marriage is now much stronger and better than before. Things can improve if one is willing to hang in there through the difficult times and work on the marriage.
worldgonewrong Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Just to add to this thread: I do believe love IS constant, for some. The trick is being able to hook up with someone who truly grasps that, even through the seemingly-impossible tough times. 1
trippi1432 Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I'll add to the love is not constant theory, you can be angry or upset with a person but know in your heart that you still love them. That part is constant and extends beyond "in the moment" feelings of emotional affects of love, disappointment or anger. Personally, for me, I believe in marriage and the benefits and struggles that come with it. It's an institution to be respected and TWO people being responsible for each other's care, feelings and hearts. The problem with marriage today is that people treat it callously and as something disposable. 5
standtall Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 well crash...you're not going to get a lot of people to agree with you here for several reasons. 1. Most happily married people are not here posting on the divorce and separation forum. 2. You quoted the Bible and a passage about marriage. Most people do not have a Bible based marriage at all...as a matter of fact most of them have the exact opposite. 3. Most people are agnostic/atheist nowadays.
GuyInLimbo Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 To the OP: I'm sorry that you feel this way. I have a suspicion that you might be one of the unfortunate individuals to travel through divorce and never actually move on or seek/find new relationships that are fulfilling and worthwhile. This was my immediate thought as well.
health Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Crash I agree with you 100% When you think of all the mess of divorce, dating with baggahe, rebound marriages, money lost I agree people have to think hard and deep. If people decided to get married in the first place it meant something was there. Anything other then abuse and infidelity doesnt compare in the slightest of the drama of divorce. Good post!
SuperGeek Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) My ex-wife left and started boning another guy. How do you keep trying when that happens? It was over for me before I even realized it. It has taken about 2 years for me to recover from the legal, emotional, and financial costs of getting out of that mess. So OP, my commentary on your post... I didn't even get a chance to try to fix anything. She planned and executed her mission covertly and under the radar before I had any idea what was going on. Sure, we had arguments and stuff going on toward the end, but did i think she was going to file for divorce? nope. Didn't even cross my mind. She wanted out and now she's out. Ironically she has tried to come back in the recent past after her dirtbag rebound boyfriend moved on to another woman. I let her know that hell would have to freeze over 20 times before I'd even consider it again. I'd rather be alone than go through the pain and financial cost of her leaving me again. Some things just can't be fixed and a line was crossed. She had her chance and a line was crossed that just changed it all for good. I'd rather start fresh now and meet someone new and give them a shot at a relationship, not my ex who clearly wasn't happy in the first place. I don't think I can ever trust her again and so even thinking about getting back into a relationship is not fair to me, but not fair to her either. People don't leave relationships if they truly see a future in it, even despite adversities. I have seen many couples overcome some pretty harsh adversities in their relationships and they were far worse than what my ex-wife and I went through. The fact is my ex just wasn't that into me or I was a POS to her. Regardless, it wasn't meant to be and clearly it just needs to stay that way. OP, just learn from your past marriage and move on. It's all any of us can do. Get yourself out there and start dating again. I'm forcing myself to slowly get out there again also. SuperGeek Edited January 7, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
standtall Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 My ex-wife left and started boning another guy. How do you keep trying when that happens? It was over for me before I even realized it. Pick a better, God fearing spouse a head of time.
SuperGeek Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Trust me that is the plan the next time.... if a next time even happens at this point. I've got such large trust issues and bitterness that I've got a long way to go myself before I can even think about long term again. I've avoided jumping back into 2-3 bad relationships due to paying attention to red flags in the beginning. I chalk this up to the lessons (read 'pain') I went through from the 'ex'.
MsDecember Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I agree, divorce is tough. It sucks. If my Ex H wouldn't have cheated on me and then continued to lie about it while we were trying to figure it out and go to counseling.... We might still be together. I might still have my happy little life. Our kids wouldn't have to leave mom to be with dad and vice versa. BUT, sometimes people suck and they make selfish decisions that impact more than just them. I have the kids majority of the time and I am the responsible parent, the one who has to clean, cook, make the rules and inforce them. He is the fun parent. He lives a different life than we do. He left for years with limited contact and is now back in a more stable prescense. He left. I am in the one who the kids are mad at. People who aren't around make very few mistakes. So sometimes you have to divorce, It's for the better they all say. But its ok to say this is sad, very sad
M30USA Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I don't know anymore. It's just so sad. Sometimes there is no solution--neither staying in the marriage or divorcing will work. This is why I believe in some cases it's just a result of living in a corrupted world. I once thought idealistically about marriage. I thought people who divorced were all selfish. Now that I've been through it, I've realized that people can try very hard to save their marriage and it can still fail. I prayed to God for my own marriage (as did my ex) and it still failed. Even as a staunch Bible-believer, I don't believe that God answers all prayers the way we want. He hears all prayers. But he answers them differently. I don't know why he didn't give us the power to have a successful marriage.
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