loveless and loved

[lovelessnloved]

Gave him he said that would be the last time I ever hOk to start hello, well I guess I need to start at the beginning so here it goes. I was dating a guy I knew him from middle and high school he was always attractive to me but we never really hung out different circles and all. I went to a group home at sixteen went back home at 18. Anyway start collage in my home town. A mutual friend of ours comes down the hall asking me to take his friend to the hospital I was like yea sure so it happened to be him anyway after that we hang out all of the time well we are friends at this point but I have by this time been developing feelings for him we start having sex supposed to be no strings well we end up falling in love mind u this is the short version I chased him for a while I must admit but I stoppedand started dating a guy then he asked me to break up with him because he said he loved me that was one of the happiest days of my life. Well when I say I loved him I mean I felt phycical like **** when I wasn't around him or talking to him border line obssion but I didn't notice because he asked thwe same to me. Well he was an opiate addict I must add and on the worst kind a blocker called suboxone any way he had terrible withdrawls and I would take care of him eventually he got off of them but begandrinking. He started to threaten me and hit and choke me when he was drunk. I still loved him tho I was so sure I could save him from himself. One night it was so bad he got put in jail he was holding me by my neck in the air against a door. He went to jail after two weeks I forgave him I felt addicted to him I loved him more than my self it seemed I know it wasn't healthy but I did. Well he stops drinking and the violence ends then we find out I am pregnant the drinking came back. I decided that my son would have a better home with a real family so we said we would find a family to adopt him. But it never went that far I had to have an amniosetisous to make sure my son would not have d.s that night my boyfriend called me saying he wanted our son but he would never make a good father and apologized for all the times he hurt me and that he wanted to die. I told him I forgave him and then he said that it would be the last time I ever spoke to him again. I rushed to where he was staying to find him asleep I woke him up and told him I loved him and begged him never to leave that he was my heart. My sun as I would call him and without him I could never be happy. I left after he said he wouldn't do anything and we made love and told me he wanted to keep our little boy I went home that night not knowing my own personal son would never rise again. I had to work the next day so I went to see him on my break..... I knocked I could see him through the window but he didn't wake then I saw it there was a gun layed accross his lap I broke in the door to find him laying there he wasn't breathing and was so cold. Needless to say I would still be with him I love him so much and wished I had stayed with him I had no idea he had a gun I am crying as I rwrite this because the last time I saw him there was a bullet in the side of his head and a single tear of blood running down his face. A year later I start dating a guy but he pressured me into it so to speack I kept my son and he fills my life with joy like no other can. And this guy loves him has been a wonderful man. But well I don't fell passion with him as I did with my late boyfriend it turns out that this guy was child hood friends with my boyfriend and the last time they saw eachother was during a fight....over me. I do vfind I love his guy but not the way I felt for my sons father. Also I loved sex with my boyfriend(sons father) now I find myself not enjoying sex and never getting an orgasm he tries and he does love me is this reaction normal or has something in me died as I suspect. I still think of him al the time on numerous occations I even said the wrong name once during sex what should I do we were friends should I just give up on us?